The Puberty Chronicles

In the spirit of Get Mortified (worth the click), I have decided to do a series known as The Puberty Chronicles, for airing out some of the mortifying aspects of becoming an adult. If you would like to do a Puberty Chronicle of your own, please do. Or, if you would rather have me post it anonymously for you, I would be most happy to. (After I call all my friends and read it to them)


Part I: Middle School Moments
When I was in elementary school, I used to bite my fingernails. My mom painted my nails with some sort of stuff that tastes bad and is supposed to deter you from biting. The problem was, I used to like the taste, so when I was home I would suck the acrid-tasting stuff off my fingers, paint them again, and then suck them some more.

Just another saga in my endless stream of oral fixations.

Then came middle school and I had bigger problems. I forgot all about my nails and looking for pleasantly salty things to munch (I rediscovered this quest in college -- a tale for another day).

In middle school, among the mortification of budding puffies and glasses and waiting to menstruate, there were perms. Numerous perms. Once, my bangs were so hyper that I had to go in the girls’ room and wet them down. After I finished climbing the stall door a few times (for exercise, you know), I soaked my bangs completely and then headed over to the dryer to blow them dry. Alas, the dryer was not working, so I returned to class with soaking wet bangs, which I covered for the entire period with one flat hand. I’m sure nobody noticed.

Another thing I remember from middle school is that the basement level was called The Dungeon, and I never ever wanted to go down there. In fact, I’m rather certain I never did. My twin sister Twirling Girl had a class down in The Dungeon and that made her so very cool. And brave, too. She had all the cool stuff—classes in the scary part of the building, and a class trip to the World’s Fair in Tennessee! What did I have? An oversized dickie, a clog sprain, and an eraser I stole from Mr. Shaw.
I do recall that one of the somewhat exciting things about middle school, grade six, was that there were two eighth graders who would kiss (!) before they got on their respective school buses and went home. They were practically grown up, by the looks of them, and they would actually kiss goodbye just like adults! Wow! I used to time my bus platform arrival to try to catch this magical moment. More often than not, I missed the kiss and also my bus.

The low point of my middle school career was when I got caught throwing toilet paper at the girls’ room ceiling. I feel I have told this before … But anyhow, I had just discovered the joy of ceiling art via papier mache, when in walked the principal and caught me … wet-handed. There was no getting out of this one! Oh, the shame! The shame!!!!!!!!!!! I had to serve a school detention, and I was in this room with all these derelicts, people I had never seen before. Smokers, to be sure. AND the proctor read my offense out loud: Spinnerina M. Girl, throwing toilet paper at the ceiling. Vandalizing the school. Ah ha! Young lady, you may sit right here while you do your time. My red-hot face burned and my ears buzzed with the blood-rush of embarrassment and shame. I was one of them! These ... these animals! These bad, bad boys! I was deeply mortified.

But not as mortified as the time I heard that Beth, an eighth grader in my class, had gone to the movies with a 9th grade boy and he had stuck his finger in her hoo-hah! His finger. Fingers! Plural! Like you could even fit more than one up there, duh! EW! Why would anybody do that? Ever?!?!?!? Luckily, I was on to high school and I never had to hear the answer to that one.

The Black Book (a veritable what the hell who's who? of people who have held little bits of my heart through the years)

Name: Clem
Me: 2nd grade, confused, ADD, never brushed my hair.
Him: the boy who sat next to me, Cuban, dark, mysterious, effeminate.
What happened: I chased him around the playground and pinned him down, tried to kiss him. Primordial sexual stirrings. My mother wouldn’t let me go to his house to play. Interest waned.

Name: Jenny
Me: I adored her in 2nd-3rd grade
Her: My best friend
Why we kissed: We were best friends, so we had to seal the pact. She had the biggest pucker ever.

Name: Martin
Me: Grade 3, glasses, precocious, lost the spelling bee
Him: Grade 4, older, taller, played the lead role in The Mikado, British
What happened: Huge crush; fantasies of being hospitalized and him holding my hand, consoling me. Not entirely sure he knew I was alive. See how much I loved him in this picture.

Name: My Cool J. Fox
Me: Freshman in high school
Him: Senior, repeating a class he had failed, looked like Alex Keaton
What happened: Huge crush; fantasies of being hospitalized and him holding my hand, consoling me. Not entirely sure he knew I was alive.

.

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Now come the crush years. Too many to list. Include Markus, whom my cousin also dated. 2 guys named Hillar. Blah blah blah. Hard Puberty, breasts, mortification, adjustment.

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Name: Dennis 1
Me: Senior
Him: Sophomore, but older than most because he stayed back and had started school late. Not too bright. Big eyebrows. Skinny.
What happened: I broke up with him the day before the prom but we went together anyhow. He showed up in a tux that did not match my dress. I ignored him all night.

Name: Hodge
Me: College Freshman
Him: Junior (also in college)
How It Went Down: Storybook romance; I spotted him at a soccer game and said, “I would die for a guy like that.” He spotted me in the bookstore and said, “Do I know you?” then hunted me down in my dorm. We were in love for a few months. He showed up to meet my dad in a rumpled shirt & no shave. He broke up with me. We tried to get together a few times but it didn’t take. I was finally over him 2 years later.

Name: Aryan
Me: Sophomore-Senior in college
Him: Lived in my dorm, dated my friend, drove a beatup Chevy pickup that he still has.
What happened: He broke up with her to date me. She tried to kill herself twice. We camped & burned tires in the woods. Love. He was Russian Orthodox and I wasn’t. I think black folks are a-ok and he doesn’t. His former roommate is now my boss. His brother died in 1999 so we got back in touch. 1-2 emails a year.

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Now comes sort of a blurry haze for a few years in the job world. Including Mike, my vice principal, who was arrested the day after we went out for drinks (for possession of cocaine) & forced to resign; Dennis 2, whose mom I worked with and who (I found out) had been arrested for a domestic violence incident at some point; Dennis 3, whose brother I worked with and who left 25 drunken messages on my answering machine one night; some guy whose name I forget whom I escaped by ducking out through the kitchen of a bakery; some other guy who I left at a restaurant after he got up 8 times to make phone calls. I think I might have been making bad choices.

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Name: Shepherd Boy
Me: 24
Him: 19
What happened: Broke my heart.

Name: The Onion

Me: 27, feisty, adventurous

Him: 28, Dot com millionaire, eccentric, liar, somewhat famous.

What happened: I felt like something wasn't quite right. I let it go. Later, I read about him online and found out what he had been up to, and it was not good. I can't give details, because I don't want you to look him up and embarrass him.

Name: Neighb
Me: I don’t know. Almost 30.
Him: My best friend.
What happened: We were friends for 10 years, then we crossed over & couldn’t cross back when it didn’t work out. We stopped talking when he started dating the woman he later married, and we just never talked again. My boss is good friends with him (he also lived in my dorm) & gives me updates I don’t want to hear.

Name: Stefan
Me: Now
Him: A very dear friend
What's happening: I so wish we were attracted to each other, because I adore him and we are amazingly great friends. We are each other’s Plan B; maybe when we are both 90 and we’ve given up the quest for Mr./Ms. Right.

Name: Sven
Me: 30
Him: 39, Norwegian, possible Asperger’s Syndrome, tall, penilely challenged
What happened: I hated his stupid dog and didn’t love him. He cried for 3 hours when we broke up and wouldn’t leave my house.

Name: Neil
Me: Looking for work with birds of prey, recovering from surgery, feeling a need to reconnect with my womanhood.
Him: Doing a study with birds of prey in Wyoming desert, running dogsleds in the winter, living in a teepee, smoking pot.
What happened: Spent a few weeks banding hawks and reconnecting with my womanhood. Then I came home.

Name: The K-Man
Me: Teacher, 31-34, smitten
Him: Charming, funny, alcoholic, married
What happened: Great pals, worked closely together, went to New Orleans for a conference and he acted like a big asshole; I told him to go to hell and fix his train wreck of a life. Left him in New Orleans. Major impetus for giving up alcohol.

Name: Brad the Clown
Me: 35-36, aloof, bored
Him: 37-38, one testicle, artistic, boring, racist, lazy, sloppy eater, has 1 joke that he repeats over & over.
What happened: I dumped him.

Name: The Handyman a.k.a. Brazil nut
Me: 36, 2 days after breaking up with Brad, I said to my friends; “I need a hot-blooded Latino lover to tell me I am beautiful.”
Him: In my house when I got home that day.
What happened: 1 month fling, with bonus (!) of numerous items fixed & painted around my house. Then he went back to Venezuela.

Name: Freaky Hand Fetish Dude
Me: Agreed to a blind date
Him: Bass player, looked like

this guy from Stargate, freaky, carried pictures of his cats in his wallet.
Why I changed my phone number: When I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him trying to hold my hand this early (we had met 10 minutes ago) he said, peevishly, “Oh, what --- we have rules about things now?!?” He asked me to clap my hands so he could psychoanalyze me according to how I clapped. When I did so, he closed his eyes and smiled and said, “That is the most beautiful sound in the world.” Later, he rested his hand open-palmed on my hand and moaned with his eyes closed as if he had just squirted in his pants. He freaked me out so much I didn’t leave him immediately, I was afraid he would stalk me. Luckily he didn’t know where I live or any of my phone numbers but the one I changed.

Name: Calzone
Me: Horrified ... yet drawn to him.
Him: Abusive, condescending, defiling, objectifying, pampering. Ridicules me, feeds me cheese, dresses me up like a cowgirl.
What happened: It’s still happening and it never ever stops.

Name: Monkey
Me: Nurturing, adoring, anticipating.
Him: Fuzzy, has a giant hoo hah, indignant, flattering, incessantly packing and unpacking.
What happened: He is coming here in 3 days!!! It will be the time of our lives. I am, after all, easy to please.

Meditation a la Mode

I am just sitting here, eating some ice cream and thinking deep thoughts. To wit:

• A very small spider has taken up residence in the corner of my office. It is a S.A.S. (spider of acceptable size), so I will leave it alone. I hope it doesn’t decide to walk across my lips in the night.
• When my twin sister and I were 5, we went to a birthday party that included a trip to the movies to see “Snoopy Come Home”. There’s a part where the Peanuts kids are singing, “Snooooopy, Snoooooopy, oh won’t you come home, come home, come home?” It is so sad. It tears you up inside. We started to bawl; we were inconsolable. Our mother had to come get us.
• We were always that way, getting each other worked up. We’d lie awake at night in our shared bedroom saying things to each other like, “wait … what if mom and dad …die?!?!?! Waaaah!” and then we’d barge in on my parents for comfort after working each other up into a red-alert fit.
• The Honda Element is butt ugly. I actually threw up a little in my mouth when one passed me today.
• When I was six, I threw a giant rock into Lake Huron. Well, I threw it towards Lake Huron. At the precise moment it reached her area, my younger sister stood up and the rock ended its trajectory on the back of her 2-year-old skull. Twin sister & I stifled her screams because we didn’t want to get in trouble. Don’t worry, she was fine and later we told our mother (when we were 17).
• I just can’t wear a do-rag the way I did back then, young & carefree in Key West.

• I really, really miss Jim Henson. Viscerally. Deep in my belly. I love The Dark Crystal! I love when Kira is calling for those stilt-walker things and she yells, “kama leyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” I love when Aughra sniffs Jem and says, “Looks like a gelfling. Smells like a gelfling. Maybe you are a gelfling!!” I love the whole surreal, slow, mystical quality of it.

And did anyone else have a pleasant, albeit disturbing, semi-erotic response to the dog-dragon thing in Never-Ending Story? He’s this giant, strong, undulating, furry beast. How could I not feel a tingle?

• Somebody I know, after reading my comment about waking up in the dead of night with fears, shared the following: For years I used to wake up and check to make sure my breasts and vagina were still there. I had heard that people changed gender, and I thought it happened spontaneously. Just wanted to make sure everything was intact (She finally stopped a few years ago, when she turned 45).

I think I might have actually failed Organic Chemistry II, but the professor gave me a mercy D- because I used to go to his office hours every single day. For extra help, you sickies!

I got a 7% on my Calculus IV final exam. That's zero-seven. I was done in 23 minutes & spent the next hour and a half drawing bunnies all over my test. I was on Dean’s List every semester except the one after that calculus class (and organic); that semester I was on Academic Probation.

I did an independent study in Chemistry that consisted mostly of going out to lunch for Rocks & Wings with my professor. And trying to fix the mass spectrophotometer, which we never managed to do. And learning to shoot a revolver (picture later—in I Might be White Trash VI).

I saw somebody I knew at the grocery store today and I ran & hid behind the organic dairy display until she passed. I just wasn’t in the mood.

There’s a mentally challenged man who works in the cafeteria at my work, and every time he sees me he asks me the same exact question. I don’t know whether to be annoyed or compassionate. Aren’t I allowed to be annoyed by people, even though they are retarded? Dude, I answered you the first 54 times!!! I hate that I feel guilty for thinking “please shut up” every day, in my mind, at him.

I don’t really like Halloween that much. I plan to go out & leave my house dark. Yeah, it’ll be an egg magnet, but at least I won’t have to rummage through my pantry & give the kids canned goods when I run out of candy, like I did last year.

10 Years Today

This is a repost, marking 10 years since I decided to give up my little alcohol habit.

Disclaimer: This post isn’t meant to be funny. These things are only funny to me because they are all true, because I did them, and because I salvaged my poor gin-soaked soul on August 6, 2003. If you think you might have a problem, consider these points or take this quiz. I took it 14 times before I realized that cheating on the answers didn’t make them any less true.

Image respectfully borrowed from BeerStuff

You Might Have a Teensy Weensy Problem With Alcohol If…

• You make three separate trips to the recycling center because you don’t want anyone to see how many bottles you have, but you still care about the earth.
• You carry your trash really carefully when your landlord is around, so he doesn't hear the clinking.
• You remember drinking 1 bottle of chardonnay, but in the morning you see 3 empty ones.
• You go to at least 3 different liquor stores because you don't want to be seen going so often; nevertheless, all the owners cheerfully greet you by name.
• You drunk-dial your friends and then tell them the same story several times, in almost the exact same words. When they call you on it, you say, "oh, I've told this story so many times I don't remember who I told it to." (this doesn't work very well when it's the same person, in the same phone call)
• You make elaborate plans with friends and family, and then don’t remember a word. The next day, when your friend says, “so what time should I come over?” you pretend you know all about it to cover your ass. Later, when your other friend calls (with whom you also made plans), you cancel because of an “appointment you forgot you had”.
• Your first words in the morning, every morning for 2+ years, are “Oh, shit ... not again.”
• Your coworkers ask you why you look so tired, or if you are sick (answer: both). Your answer: trouble sleeping (also true).
• You wake up at 3 AM every night in a shame spiral, and wonder how & when you got to this point. You’re an intelligent, beautiful, self-aware woman, dammit—you can’t be a drunk! (you can be both; nobody sets out to have this affliction on purpose, ya know. Duh.) (By the way I sometimes dream that I went on a drinking binge & wake up feeling utter despair at having failed, then relief that I’m still OK. And if I did fail, I hope I’d have the strength to pick up where I left off).
• You bring your own magnum of chardonnay to the party because they probably don’t have what you want (or enough of it); you offer to open it for the hostess. You drink most of it.
• You order a whole bottle of wine at a bar and the bartendress keeps it on ice for you and all the friends you intend to share it with. Most of them don’t have any.
• You decide that a mandarin Absolut & tonic (m.a.t.) is OK at 10 AM; it’s citrusy, like orange juice. That's breakfast, right?
• You decide that grocery shopping is so much more fun with a buzz on, so you have one m.a.t. for breakfast & then put one in a sippy cup for the road.
• The following activities are drinking triggers: talking on the phone, sitting at the computer, watching TV, driving home from work. Also breathing, eating, sleeping.
• You’ve rationalized that you’d better switch to vodka since it doesn’t smell (as much—enough of anything and your sweat still smells like skid row).
• You lie to your best friend on the phone that the reason your speech is slurred is because you are wearing a Crest White Strips on your teeth.
• You decide to drink only on weekends, then drink on a Thursday because that’s close.
• You decide to drink every other day, and then fail after 2 days.
• You decide not to drink one morning, and then change your mind on the drive home. You haven’t done it yet, you could still stop it, but having made the decision in your mind it is already too late. This yet-unacted-upon weakness fills you with despair.
• You decide to drink just 2 glasses of wine, but glass 3.5 kills the bottle (you have biiiig glasses), so why stop? Wine goes bad if it sits.
• Wine never goes bad in your house.
• You wonder aloud about your drinking habits with all of your drinking friends, and say things like, “it’s not as if I’d drink something else if there were no wine in the house” (this was before I discovered the m.a.t. and the no-smell-vodka secret)
• There is always wine in the house.
• You actually think to yourself, who needs friends when I have this?
• You choose a night home with a DVD and 2 bottles of wine over a night out with friends (rationalization: cheaper, and then I don't have to drive drunk).
• You wonder aloud whether a life without wine in it is even possible. All those dinners out, and no wine? (it is possible, and the peace of mind that comes from a sober life far exceeds the enjoyment of a fine chardonnay. Although sometimes I still imagine the molten-gold flavor of it going down my throat, and I feel a lust unlike anything I’ve ever felt).
• You finally resolve to quit drinking, but you can’t “officially” quit until all the booze in the house is gone, so you make a list of everything you need to consume, including that nasty bottle of Pimm's and the Smuggler whiskey your dad brought over for a party once (happy ending: upon realizing the huge volumes I’d have to consume, I gave all my top-shelf vodkas, gins, scotches & rums to a friend for her huge summer bash, and poured the rest of it down the toilet on August 7, 2003. Funny, I didn’t feel bad about wasting it, even though I was raised not to waste nutrients. I figured those kids in Africa didn’t need to become boozehounds).
• You check out the AA website, just to see what it’s all about.
• [UPDATE] You taste a tiny tiny sip of your husband's drink sometimes, mostly to remind yourself that you can't have it, you are never safe around it.  When you taste, it flows into you like a river of golden lava and awakes a craving so deep and complete that you know, really know, that you are only well because you are not having it and oh, what a slippery slope this is ... truly, in one day it could all be undone by going down this path.  So you just touch the path with your toe for the reminder, and then pull it back to safety. Tickle the sleeping tiger, then pull your hand back to watch it very closely, lest it fix its gaze upon you.

[note: I am not made uncomfortable in any way by the mention of alcohol, the presence of it, or when my friends around me order it at the dinner table. I am happy to discuss it and proud of my sobriety. It’s not a word that needs to be whispered, like cancer or prison. I am not offended by anyone’s drunken audio post, or mention of drunkenness in this virtual (or any other) world. The only thing that upsets me is when I meet/see people who are obvious alcoholics; not because I judge them but because I know the place they are in, and it is not a good place. I questioned my drinking for 8 years, and experienced out-of-control drinking for about a year and a half before I stopped. I still question exactly how I got to that point. I can only hope that suffering alcoholics find solid ground, as I did. Thank you for reading.]

3 Things Meme, Spinnerina Style

This made me giggle today, so worth the repost ...

I've seen this thingy here and there, and thought it might be fun to play. It just needed a new spin on it, so I made up new categories.


3 Things I Often Say Aloud

• Time to sample for Quality!
• Hey, lover.
• What's goin' on?

3 Things I Say Inside My Head

• Shut up you stupid, stupid cow.
• I could kill you with my bare hands.
• Nice fupa.

3 Things I Really Should Throw Out

• A dress I fit into in 1995 that I hope to fit into again one day. Then I'll throw it out.
• The half and half ... it's making some sort of strange grainy things in my coffee.
• My entire collection of jeans, and start over.

3 Ways I Hope I Don't Die

• Eaten by cougar or bear
• Fire / house invasion (tie)
• Drowning / sharks (tie)

3 Flavors I Can't Stand

• Caraway seeds
• Black licorice
• Chalky liquid medicines, a la Pepto

3 Yoga Positions I Can Get Into



3 Positions I Can't Get Into




3 Articles of Clothing That I Won't Wear

• Mock turtleneck
• Corduroy pants
• Spike Heels

3 Ways I Think I Make the World a Better Place

• I make people laugh
• I am kind to people who are flustered in the grocery store line
• I sing

I felt like a repost, so ...

100 Things


1. My first language was Estonian. I still speak, read & write it. All the time!
2. I didn't really speak English until I went to kindergarten,
3. where I learned the word "soon" and thought it meant one o'clock.
4. I thought this until I was 11 years old.
5. Because it rhymes with "soon", you see?
6. My twin sister Twirling Girl has always, always been there.
7. I don’t know what I would do without her.
8. My baby sister Tuuna Taco is my other best friend.
9. My parents are some of the best people I know,
10. And I don't tell them enough, so I am telling them now.
11. Since they read my blog.
12. Which sort of censors me, but that is probably a good thing.
13. I can be gross at your blogs, right?
14. I worry that if I ever meet any of you, you will discover that I am not really as pretty as the persona I have created
15. although I have begun to think of myself as "Spinning Girl" and would probably answer to it if someone called to me.
16. Sometimes I get terribly lonely.
17. Often, I love being alone & doing what I want, when I want.
18. I need to tune my piano so that I can play it.
19. I need to clean my chimney so that I can make bigger fires without fearing that I am going to start a chimney fire.
20. Some pieces of music are so beautiful to me that I cannot contain the emotion I feel when I hear them, and I just cry.
21. I can’t stand most of the music I hear on the radio.
22. There are some exceptions.
23. I have an almost unholy obsession with Yellow Ledbetter and every time I hear those first few hesitant guitar notes, I smile with glee.
24. I had a small alcohol problem once.
25. By small, I mean that it had a short life. Maybe two years of really drinking in a way I felt was out of control.
26. Plus 15 years of wondering if maybe I drank a little too much?
27. I gave up the booze on August 6, 2003.
28. In March of 2004 I drank 3 bottles of wine by myself and scared myself so much that I never want to drink again.
29. In July of 2006 I accidentally took a giant swig of my cousin’s vodka tonic, but only because our cups were identical and it really was by accident.
30. If I drink on purpose, I am afraid I will not stop, ever.
31. I still get mad that something so fun could turn into something so bad, but I’m OK with it and I don’t miss it. It just pisses me off that alcohol was such a mean trickster bastard.
32. I become smitten very easily.
33. Recently I was smitten with someone in my grad class.
34. But he never called when he said he would, so I had my answer.
35. That’s too bad, because I still find him really attractive even though I don’t talk to him much.
36. I am also completely infatuated with Jamwall, even though we have never met, because he gets me and we feed off each other’s sick humor in a truly exhilarating way.
37. Right now, I am imagining Jamwall naked.
38. Are you?
39. Someday, I hope to spend a weekend with him, romping through a condiment village that we have built together.
40. Sometimes I am perfectly happy with my life the way it has gone thus far.
41. But I am always ready for the next big, good thing.
42. I would like to be a mom, though not necessarily give birth.
43. Maybe I just need a pony!
44. Or a dog, a non-pooping dog.
45. Having to pick up shit is the one major thing keeping me from getting a dog.
46. Sharing my living space with a box of urine and shit and giant hair balls is what is keeping me from getting a cat.
47. I had the most amazing cat once, and he will never be equaled.
48. I fear the spider, but only once it has reached a certain size.
49. Spiders of Acceptable Size (SAS) are allowed to live freely in my home.
50. Spiders of Unacceptable Size – SUS-- are thrown outside, not killed, unless they are huge or move very fast.
51. I would probably go crazy if I woke up and discovered an SUS clinging to the tip of my nose with all 8 of its legs.
52. I can honestly say that I love my job.
53. It is like a dream. A job cannot be this perfect, can it?!?!?
54. I sometimes fear becoming debilitated and unable to teach anymore; what would I do then?!?!?
55. I don’t spend much time fearing the future though.
56. Most of my fears are fleeting thoughts, lucky me.
57. Maybe I am stupidly optimistic. That is fine with me.
58. I take life’s little luxuries very seriously.
59. My bed.
60. My coffee.
61. That’s a short list, but those are the two biggies.
62. When I was a child, my favorite place to visit was my grandparents’ house in upstate New York.
63. Sometimes we had to weed the garden, and we had to finish before we could swim.
64. This taught me self-discipline and delayed gratification.
65. I used to pretend I was a poor little slave girl, weeding my little row of carrots in the blazing hot sun.
66. Nothing equals the bliss of a cold swim after you have been sweating in the blazing hot sun.
67. There was (is) a spring-fed pond on my grandparents’ back property.
68. It is stocked with fish that were caught elsewhere & put there by my family.
69. They have lived & multiplied there for 50 years.
70. I used to catch grasshoppers in the meadow and then feed them to the fish.
71. I used to be very good at catching grasshoppers; the most I ever caught was 72.
72. Grasshoppers!!!
73. I fear that one day a swarm of locusts will land on me, as payback.
74. This fear, however, is fleeting.
75. When my family sells my grandparents’ house, I don’t think I will be as sad as I was over the past 10 years, watching it decline from what it once was.
76. Nothing gold can stay.
77. I hope that my parents’ home becomes that way for their grandchildren ... a really special place where you can always go and be happy.
78. I believe it is really important to listen to children and not try to spank too much of their personalities out of them.
79. Like the boy who made the grappling hook; it made me really happy to see that.
80. I can think of 5 teachers off the top of my head who would have said, “put that stupid toy away.”
81. Of course, I teach science, and can justify “allowing” a homemade grappling hook in my classroom.
82. It scares me how little science some people know.
83. I’m a little bit obsessed with Carl Sagan, and rightly so.
84. Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors is one of my favorite books of all time.
85. I should read it again soon. I tend to reread books I love several times.
86. I have read Lord of the Rings at least 22 times from start to finish, plus countless times of reading just certain parts.
87. For me, rereading a good book is like visiting a place that I love.
88. When I want to escape for a while, I go to Middle Earth.
89. I’m OK with being a total geek.
90. I have amazing tits, so I can get away with it.
91. Are you imagining my tits right now?
92. Go ahead, then. I am OK with being objectified by you.
93. Shit, I forgot about my parents reading this.
94. Sorry mom and dad, sometimes I say dirty things to be funny.
95. Dirty and funny is one of my favorite combinations.
96. Wow, 100 is a lot.
97. I might have dyslexia because I often reverse “tomorrow” and “yesterday” in my speech, regardless of what language I am speaking. I think those two concepts got stored incorrectly in my Wernicke.
98. I am a huge procrastinator, and I did this instead of grading papers.
99. I always feel better after a good day of procrastinating.
100. I’ll feel even better later when I get that shit done. Thank you for reading!

I am vacationing , so please take my quizzes.

If you have not already done so, you should take these quizzes to see how well you think you know me. If you already took them, it may be time for a refresher course:

Quiz #1: Take a Spin

Quiz #2: Another Spin

Quiz #3: A Spunful of Sugar

The less I write, the less I have to say. The more I write, well ... we shall see.

It's a strange phenomenon that the less time I give myself for writing, the less I have to say, and the less I want to write. But something in me drives me to want to write more, and unblock these obstacles that pile up in front of me. Stephen King, in On Writing, says that we should write every day to keep the instrument limber; you won't write a masterpiece everyday, but you have to show up at the page for the muse to know you mean business. Getting together with Leigh Yung Li always helps, and on one of our recent slumber parties I quickly came up with 7-8 stories I could tell, including how Brad the Clown once flipped a blueberry pie upside down. This is a tale for another day... or best left buried, before the angry demons awake? For now, I am simply showing up.

School ended.

It was an intensely busy time, but one of the highlights includes this letter that I got from My Little Percy, the most amazing student:

... and these shoes from Ashe, which you may remember from an earlier post. The boy outgrew them, and thought I might like them as a parting gift to remember him by. They now reside on my fireplace, and smell only very faintly of his little Indian feet.

My house occupies a largish chunk of my time ... mowing, trying to fix my botched paint job in the yoga room, growing small vegetables and trying to beautify the backyard for gatherings.

Something is dead under my shed; I smell it, I see the flies. I refuse to look. Three baby birds fallen from their nest in the front yard are covered with those same green-bottle flies. I refuse to look. I hear the flies, buzzing. There is a smell.

I joined a gym, finally, a commitment that is long overdue for my out-of-shape body. I felt I needed some physique intervention. It came in the form of Matt, who is 6'4" tall, 1% body fat, and expensive. Twice a week for an hour he kicks my ass, and I come back for more. I am starting to feel muscles in places where I forgot I had places. This is so much better than Curves, where all I learned was whose daughter got accepted to which college. I forgot how good sweating can feel. My favorite part of the gym is the shower. They have the best soaps. I haven't showered in my own house for about two weeks.

Sitting at the computer feels like work. I read email sometimes. Sometimes I make lolcats, like this one from my sister's house:

I know Todd loves these.

In a week I leave for choir camp, but I'll try to post something every day until then. Just showing up at the page; no promises of brilliance, OK? I can't live up to that. I can barely fucking walk.

And in August, well ... am I allowed to say, you guys? Or should I wait until after? I don't want to let the simian out of the bag too early. Let's just say a very exciting blog reunion is brewing.

Oh, and about the blog frolic? I'm working on it. Fuckspot.com refused to "save as draft" even though I am hitting "save now" and "ctrl-D" like they tell me to, but all I get is the silent hourglass and a blank stare.

Carry on. See you tomorrow.

Because I can.

The 3-Word Meme, courtesy of my sweet & sweaty papa:

1. Where is your cell phone?
In my pants.

2. Boyfriend/girlfriend?
Might be nice.


3. Hair?
Glossy, cascading, fabulous

4. Your mother?
Funny, comforting, friend

5. Your father?
Brilliant, hilarious, orderly

6. Your favorite item(s)?
Chenille, photos, bed

7. Your dream last night?
Haunting, reminiscent, troublesome

8. Your favorite drink?
Bold dark roast

9. Your dream guy/girl?
Funny, decadent midwesterner

10. The room you are in?
Sage green, dragonflies

11. Your fear?
Big hairy spider.

12. What do you want to be in 10 years?
Teacher, healthy, writer

13. Who did you hang out with last night?
Will and Grace

14. What are you not?
apologetic of flaws

15. Are you in love?
Ask me tomorrow.

16. One of your wish list items?
Trip to Scotland

17. What time is it?
Getta fuckin' watch.

18. The last thing you did?
One hour yoga.

19. What are you wearing?
Pajama pants, tanktop

20. Your favorite book?
The Poisonwood Bible

21. The last thing you ate?
Soybeans, chicken, tea

22. Your life?
Suits me fine.

23. Your mood?
Ready to relax.

24. Your friends?
Loyal, forgiving, reliable

25. What are you thinking about right now?
Projects to grade.

26. Your car?
Shitbox, fits kayak

27. What are you doing at this moment?
Hello, pay attention!

28. Your summer?
Choir, Cape, Garden

29. Your relationship status?
Unfettered, sluttish, hopeful.

30. What is on your TV screen?
Lots of dust.

31. When is the last time you laughed?
Five, ten minutes

32. Last time you cried?
Early this morning.

33. School?
My daily joy.

34. Why did this end so abruptly?
I don't know.

Chow Down

Appetizer
List 3 emotions you experienced this week.
Dismay -- when I realized I had thrown out a girl's project by mistake
Revulsion -- as I entered the dumpster
Relief -- when I discovered the project, intact, under 35 bags of lunch garbage

Soup
Name a car you’d love to have.
I don't care much about cars. I would love to ride a bike wherever I go.

Salad
Describe your typical morning routine.

Oh, it's the best! After I shower, I do my hair & makeup at my computer desk while I drink my coffee and read email. My clothes tumble in the dryer as I get ready, and then I walk to the dryer in my underwear to get dressed. My morning drive typically includes a stop at Starbucks, unless it's Friday, when my friend treats us all to coffee.

Main Course
Have you ever emailed someone famous? If so, who, and what did you say to them? Did they reply?

Prepare for a highly linkefied reply: I have emailed Stephen King and Dave Barry. Stephen King, because the book I got from his Foundation did not arrive; I got a reply from his personal assistant. Dave Barry, because I sent him the list of country music song titles I had made up, and he sent me a postcard. These are my brushes with fame. My biggest brushes with fame were my Q&A moment at Radio City Music Hall and the time I was mentioned in the San Francisco Chronicle for living in Human Zoo.

Dessert
Do you listen to podcasts? If so, which ones?
Nope.

Virtual DNA

Brooke did this, and since I am her secret lover,

I borrowed it while she was in the shower.

It's fun! try it and see.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Swallow now; taste later.

Friday's Feast

Feast One Hundred & Forty One

Appetizer
How fast can you type?
I am the slowest typist of all time. I never learned how to do it properly, so I am a pecker. I hunt, then I peck. I peck with the thumb and first two fingers of each hand. I am all over the keyboard, as though I were playing Flight of the Bumblebee. It is dizzying. Within the span of a minute, I can make dozens of typos. This is one of my greatest sources of pride!

Soup
What is your favorite online game?
I don't play many games online, but I did get hooked on Drifts and Ice Breaker for a while. I also watch BadgerBadgerBadger about once a week at the insistence of my niece, who is 3. Who among you can resist a toddler saying "badzubadzu?" and looking up at you with plaintive eyes? Who, I ask?!?!?!?

Salad
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 as highest), how intelligent do you think you are?

Probably an 8. No, that sounds ambitious. Maybe a 7. There are some pretty darn smart people who live (and have lived) among us.

Main Course
Name three of your best teachers from your school years.

You don't know them, shall I still name them? I choose Dr. Wilson, my Freshman (college) English professor; Mr. Chervansky, my high school biology teacher; and Mrs. Thompson, my second grade teacher. I should do a post about each of them, as they were quite extraordinary.

Dessert
What are your plans for this upcoming weekend?
I am going to install a giant meat hook in my bedroom ceiling and maybe get a mani-pedi; visit my family, grade 96 papers, and watch The Science of Sleep.

How about you? Play along!

Dine with me.

It's leftovers; that OK with you, sugar?

Friday's Feast

Feast One Hundred & Forty

Appetizer
What is your favorite kind of bread? Are you freaking kidding me? Like I have a favorite kind. Let's list all the breads that have rocked my world: sourdough, my grandmother's sourdough rye from Estonia; whole wheat rolls, straight from the oven. How about a nice crusty white loaf, fresh-baked and doused in butter? Mmm, a rosemary loaf with olive oil. Naan. Pillsbury flaky dinner rolls. Criossants! Wait, I'm starting to realize why I tend to gain weight. Mmm, bread. Anything without caraway seeds in it never stands a chance.

Soup
When was the last time you bought a new pillow? I buy new pillows rather often, like once a year. I recently bought some on sale and I was very sorry. They were so soft they gave me a three-day neck ache. Fuck you, Company Store! Fuck you, and Amy Campbell too! Foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Salad
Approximately how many hours per week do you spend surfing the ‘net? Lately, not so many. In my heavy blogging periods I could easily sit online for 3 hours. I don't really "surf"; I just read blogs. Lately, it's about 30 minutes and then I can't sit anymore. It is too nice out!

Main Course
What’s the highest you remember your temperature being? 104. I have this really cool fever-hallucination where the room keeps getting bigger and bigger, then smaller & smaller. That time, it was like Alice in Wonderland. The fluctuations were rapid and gigantic-miniscule-gigantic-miniscule. There were silver threads hanging from the ceiling. I've been trying to recapture that feeling ever since, but all I do is throw up.

Dessert
Fill in the blanks: When I ____________, I _____________.

1) Think about you / squirt ketchup down my pants.

2) Go to the bank / sometimes flash the teller at the drive-thru

3) chew gum / often suddenly choke on my own saliva

4) start my summer vacation / laugh until I cry

5) grow old / want to feel as young as I do now

That last one was fun ... you try!!!

Grab an oar ...

... and paddle along my stream of consciousness!

Monkey and the Spinning Wheels in January 2006

What follows is an excerpt from my internal dialogue between noon and 1 PM. I climbed into the Spinning Wheels and drove around town! Here is how much fun I had:

• Hmmm ... this construction has been going on a long time. I wonder if they will ever be finished?
• It seems like there's always construction in Connecticut, no matter where you go.
• Oh sure, Town Cop, I'll stop for you. Nice shades.
• You stopped me for that?!? Cutting down a 5' stump of telephone pole?
• Nice shades. Yeah, yeah, I see you waving. I'm a-comin', I'm a-comin'.
• Smile & wave. Thank you, Mr. Policeman! I like your vest that says "Spotter". Were you a "Safety Officer" in elementary school?
• Oooh, sushi here how? Score!
• This light was never here.
• God, it's gorgeous out. I need to open my windows!
• Dayumn, it's windy.
• I should take those Snapple bottles out of the back. If they clink together much more, they might break.
• Ooh, I need lipstick. There we go. Pretty me! Woah --- eyebrows!!! I wonder if Dove Spa waxes on walk-ins?
• I should blog this internal dialogue I am having. I wonder how many people will hate me. I think Miss Kendra did something like this once. I hope she doesn't mind me copying her.*
• I wonder if my internal dialogue is like everyone else's?
• I bet if I say "pubes" in my blog then people will automatically mouth the word to themselves.
• Oooh, hardware store! I need mousetraps. And a 2-prong halogen bulb.
• It's so nice out!!!
• Oh, nice motorcycle, asshat. You are way too small to be driving such a huge bike. Yes, we know you are manly. Wow, the way you rev that engine shows me how big and strong you are. Oh, here we go. Nice signaling, fuckstick. Goodbye!!!
• I can't believe they cut down all these trees to widen the road by five feet. What the hell?
• Let's go see if the new sushi place does takeout. I want some of those tempura crunchies.
  
  Thank you for joining us. Tune in next week as I drive to the dentist!

*[editorial comment: It was Brooke! Brooke! Brooke! My bad.]

Now that you are warmed up ...

Take my newest quiz!

Spin it Like it's Hot

Good luck.

I am still wearing my toga, and here are some leftovers for you.

So, all my people, I have been terribly busy! I went to Manhattan this weekend, again ... this time I went to the Jivamukti Yoga School (worth the click just for the nice chant) where Uma Thurman's brother Dechen teaches, and where nobody eats any animal products of any kind, and glares at you if you don't keep mauna in the hallways (which I thought meant singing Billy Idol's version of Mony Mony, but I found out means "silence"), and ostracizes you if you wear your shoes. At Jivamukti, I learned that there are some positions I cannot get my body into, and that if I try, I will pay by having sore muscles for 2 whole days.

In New York, I also learned that some entire blocks can be closed off to foot traffic, because some sort of very important filming is going on. I also learned that the subways do not, in fact, smell like urine as I anticipated.

I've resurfaced just long enough to lay out some warmed-over Friday's Feast for you. I meant to do this Friday, but you don't mind the delay, do you? It's still fresh and tender. Bon apetit!

(click image to visit Friday's Feast)

Feast One Hundred & Thirty Six

Appetizer
Who is your favorite news anchor/reporter? Why?

I don't watch the news, but it used to be Peter Jennings.

Soup
Name 3 foods that are currently in your freezer.

Edamame

Natural casing hot dogs

Skinny Cow ice cream cones

Salad
If you were to have the opportunity to name a new town or city, what would you call it?

Vajayjayville

Main Course
What will most likely be the next book you read?

I abandoned Kite Runner to read A Confederacy of Dunces, so I will most likely return to that.

Dessert
What's the first thing you notice about the opposite gender?

I was going to say eyes, but that's not true. I do a full-body sweep, noting height and overall build in one giant eyeful. Then I leg-wrestle the guy to see if I can beat him. If I can't, I let him tie me to the wall and douse me with a firehose.

Friday Feast

(push the button)

Feast One Hundred & Thirty Five

Appetizer
Name two things that made you smile this week.
The beautiful view of Long Island Sound (see picture in previous post).

The fact that Paula Abdul is completely faded all the time.

Soup
Fill in the blank: Don't you hate it when ________?

You have to pee so badly, but you can't get your pants undone quickly enough, and you already start unbuttoning as you enter the bathroom, before you are even in the stall, and it's like your bladder knows you're almost there so it starts the delivery process, but you are still unbuttoning, so you are doing the little dance and holding your legs in an "X" and maybe grabbing your crotch, a little bit, like a 4-year old ... and then a colleague walks into the bathroom?

I love that.

Salad
When you can't go to sleep, what is your personal remedy to help yourself drift into Lullabyland?

I think about what death will be like, and wonder if I can pay all my bills this month, and worry about whether that kid who has been such a jerk all week is going to be good for the sub tomorrow. That usually knocks me right out.

Really, I drink a cup of Sleepytime and read a soothing escape book, like Lord of the Rings.

Main Course
What is something about which you've always wondered but have not yet found a good answer?

I wonder at what point in evolution biological molecules began to spontaneously make copies of themselves.

Dessert
What is your favorite pasta dish?

Lasagna! No, wait ... baked ziti with meatballs. No, fettucine with shrimp and asparagus. Tuna noodle casserole, maybe. Portobello Tortellini with olive oil and crushed salt. Umm ... yeah, lasagna.

Friday's Feast

(push the button)

Feast One Hundred and Thirty Four

Appetizer
What is your usual bedtime? Do you like that, or would you rather it be different?

I go to bed between 10:30 and 11:00 most nights, with fluctuations based upon how hard the 8th graders kicked my ass on a given day. I have been known to get in bed at 6:00. Lame! Sometimes I stay up way too late, and then I pay. Morning SG hates night-party SG.

Soup
When it comes to advice, do you give more or receive more?

I am not a huge giver of advice, unless asked. Even then, I'd rather listen. People usually figure out what they want to do. I've received some great advice from people, usually after they have listened quite a bit. Listening is so very important!

Salad
Describe a memorable meal you've had.

A meal that brought tears to my eyes is the goat cheese & portobello mushroom crostini at The Good News Cafe. Actually, looking at the amazing menu, here is its official description: Warm Portobello Mushroom Toast & "Coach Farm" goat cheese with roasted peppers, greens & miso dressing. The combination of flavors in this is so exquisite that words fail me. And when have we known that to happen?!?!?

Main Course
Name a work of fiction that affected the way you think about something.

Barbara Kingsolver's The Poisonwood Bible changed my thinking about the plenty of this country against the backdrop of Africa's poverty. It caused me to have a meltdown at the grocery store, in the toothpaste aisle. I was faced with row upon row of bright boxed toothpaste packaging and I thought, why on earth do we need to put something that is already in a tube, into a box!?!?!?!? And so many choices!!! Meanwhile, in my novel, the village had to burn a hill and shoot every animal as it jumped through the flames, to get meat for survival. Little children combed the burnt hillside putting crispy roasted bugs into their baskets. And here I was in comfortable shoes, well-fed, faced with 20 choices of brightly-colored boxes of paste for cleaning my teeth, for chrissake. It was just too much.

Dessert
What is your favorite type of fruit juice?

Duh! Apple cider!