August 21, 2005

Easy to Please


Artwork by Greg Evans

Sometimes I get really tired of being single and not having a date for events, or for holidays. Other times, I feel so content and happy in my solidarity; I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I don’t choose to be completely alone, and I’m enough of a curvaceous & brainy babe to attract someone when I want to. A few special men come in and out of my life from time to time and I welcome the company; but either by their choosing or mine, we don’t stick to each other. Lately I’ve been noticing a pattern in my manhunt: I’m extremely particular about a number of things, and I am quickly turned off. Here is a short list of things that have been major factors in ending a few of my recent couplings.

1. Bigotry. Watching the Olympics with Brad the Clown was a complete nightmare. “Certain groups of people” were cited for being lazy, ignorant, dirtier than most, mentally deficient, etc. What should have been a celebration of this planet’s glorious diversity turned into a mythic argument that ended with a broken dish. This was the beginning of the end for me. Items 2,4,5,&6 below were the death knell.

2. Laziness. Brad the Clown is one of the laziest people I have ever met. Everybody is lazy sometimes; hell, I’m in my pajamas right now and it’s 5 PM. Sometimes I get in bed just to talk on the phone. But some people are lazy as a major component of their personalities. Maybe Brad just ate too much corn (there was a lot of it around him) and it weighed him down. The stupidest part was that he thought he was hard-working and focused.

3. Crying. Big Sven, while tall and strikingly Norwegian in his appearance, was less a Viking than a boy. When we broke up, he cried in my room for literally 3 hours straight. Not just welling up, not getting teary as he scraped up his pride and got out. No: bawling, complete with drool and oceans of tears and the occasional wail of “whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?”. I left him to sit in the living room for a while, I couldn’t take it. I finally threatened to call the cops to get him to leave.

4. Sexual issues. Sven’s manhood, which we nicknamed Lars the Mighty, had some issues from time to time. I realize this occurs, and I’m willing to be patient and supportive to some degree; the turnoff was when Sven asked me whether I thought Lars worked properly. He thought I'd be a good person to run this insecurity by, since he thought maybe I had seen my share of Larses. Don’t reveal to me that you have a sexual hang-up! Talk to your urologist! Incidentally, Brad the Clown also had issues from time to time, depending upon how lazy he was feeling I guess, and he would sometimes punish me for being a bitch by not taking his Cialis. Fucking bozo.
(Furthermore, don't ever let me see that you don't consider yourself 100% attractive or sexy. I see and love your flaws. I think you are 100% attractive and sexy; if you don't think so, I begin to doubt.)


5. Lack of table manners. My cookies dry up the instant somebody puts their fingers into their food, especially if it is food like rice or noodles. Brad was really good at this. I guess his left hand was for putting his food onto his fork. I admire a man who can use two utensils to clean their plate, using a knife edge to get the food onto his fork. Other offenses include shoveling, chewing with an open mouth, and failing to compliment me or show appreciation when I have prepared an entire meal. Is that too much to ask?

I am starting to realize that I’m not exactly sure why I dated Brad the Clown. He seemed such a winner at first … but once the balloon animal amazement wore off, there wasn’t much to hold on to.

6. Hygiene issues. Ear wax, lack of Q-tip skills, failure to tackle eye boogies first thing in the morning, breath, swamp ass, and dirty fingernails all come to mind. Don’t mistake me—there’s a place in life for being really sweaty and dirty. I love man-sweat after a workout, hike, or a day chopping wood or digging in the mud. Yum. But bodily crust? Nay. On the flip side, too much primping is unappealing too. I don’t like my guys queer-eyed and mani-pedied, I like them rugged but cleanish.

So do you see the problem? I’ve been single for a long enough time that I’ve complied an entire list of all my don'ts; a list that grows every day. I’m actually easy to please, despite the daunting size of these particulars. Is it too much to ask for a man who has manners, is clean, works hard, is respectful, and is fully aware of his own sexiness? I don’t think so.

Anyone who decides to write a comment about me being too picky, or “no wonder you’re single”, or having “impossible expectations”, please also be sure to leave your street address so I can come by and whup your ass. Don't think I won't.

21 comments:

Leigh Yung Li said...

Could you be more fabulous?! In reading all of the above on your list, I conclude you are NOT too picky (it doesn't matter if I said you are...I would leave my street address too because I could kickbox your ass right now!) I too have all the same gripes if not MORE. I find it a wonder that I am actually married. And our wedding vows literally did include a portion where my husband promised to "try to be more clean." Yet, I have had to be quite blunt with him about the connection between long, curling toe nails characteristic of prehistoric man and lack of sexual desire on the part of a partner. Yes, I did just take him (somewhere outside of the town in which he works) to get a pedicure and manicure. He wasn't happy about it, but if you explain how most habits either DO or DO NOT make a man sexually appealing, that seems to motivate them to do a little bit more about the behavior. So next time you have that boyfriend crying 'WHHHYYYYYY?" in your bedroom, don't call the cops to get him out. No, simply say "it is this kind of continuous wailing, complete with runny nose and refusal to leave the property that makes women NOT want to sleep with you." That ought to do it.

kilohotel. said...

hey, i just came across your site while randomly searching through blogger. i agree with leigh, you arent too picky. haha, it funny because i made a list of my own a while ago and we're looking for pretty much the same thing. you dont suppose most men just have the same innate faults, do you? lol.

BadGod said...

Hi, I'm Brian! I just came across your site.

Don't worry, I'll clean it up before I leave.

midwest_hick said...

lol.....I had a woman tell me she was intereted in seeing me more often than 'just at work' but had also confided in me (not that she had to...it was evident) that showering/bathing wasn't required more than 2 to 3 times a week. Needless to say...the only place she ever saw me was at work...and as infrequently as possible....

Fred said...

my dear, i feel you are too young to be playing with lars. 13? wow kids start young these days.

B.O.B.I. said...

Before I rubbed both of your feeties
I'd get my eaties
with my Wheaties.

Seriously, I think I love you. Let me give you the remote control to my heart, Ascerbically-witted Super Bitch!

Danius Maximus said...

wow, I am feeling some militant femininity here. its f'ing up the aura!!! jeez! what ever happened to the times when all a guy had to do was come home from the quarry and there would be some fresh dinosaur meat on the table, and then off to bowling with Barney and the occasional adventure with Gazoo? remember those? those days? when you didn't make the judgemental lists?

Danius Maximus said...

but seriously, if only you weren't so far away...ahhh me, I guess I'll have to pine from afar

Spinning Girl said...

Militant ... or just vocalizing what most people feel? Seriously, I don't think it's judgmental to say I don't want to play Rub Me Down There with chronic eye-boogies or someone who thinks anyone hailing from south of the arctic circle is a n****r.

And I'm 13 and a HALF.

Fred said...

the half makes all the difference!

tolbs said...

you list 6 demands of a man? Thats it? And you call yourself picky? Please :p. Most men would be lucky to have a woman who only has 6 issues with them.

I like the fact that you are honest. Straight up front honesty is what men fear the most and if you find a man who can actually take the truth, stick with him because most men are bunch of lamies now a days.

Justin said...

Excellent post! I'm recently single, and I too know what it's like to feel bounced between feelings of comfort and happiness being free to to whatever, and desire to be with another.

LOVE THAT LIST, BTW! #4 is very bold of you to share. If he has Cialis, why in god's name not take it? It's like $20 / pill, you shouldn't pay that much and then NOT use it! I can relate to many things on your list, my exwife was very bigoted against certain types of people, I couldn't ever stand it!

I'm gonna' bookmark this page and check in from time to time, I really do like what you have to say.

-Justin

josh williams said...

You pretty much described me when you outlined the man of your dreams.I have all the positive attributes plus! I kinda look like Sean Connery but not in pictures or in daylight. I have a cool accent as well, midwestern.I have a girlfriend and shit like that, so I am forced to ask you to back off.Good luck in your search I gotta go floss and clean my ears. Kind Regards JW

Walt said...

Actually... Your list is quite encouraging / affirming. :-)

Anonymous said...

RE Sven: I love how women complain that men keep their feelings bottled up, don't express affection, etc. but then if a guy has the temerity to be upset when you dump him, he's a big baby and you just want him to go away. Your motivation here is self-absorption, and yes that means "no wonder you're single".

I've no doubt if you read a blog written by a man and saying similar things about a woman, you'd be all over him for being an insensitive dickhead. And you'd be right. But that's a two way street, honey.

Spinning Girl said...

Yes, Anonymous, you are right. But I didn't think he was a big baby; I just wanted him to stop crying because it was so horrible. Suddenly, the shoe was on the other foot. And it was upsetting because the size of the cry was disproportionate to the length of time we'd spent together. I wish I could have told the whole story in its honest and painful entirety here, but I'm afraid I'd completely lose my audience. As for your analysis of my motivation... Self absorption? Maybe. Self preservation? Yes.

Freewill said...

I think your list is a list of common sense issues, it should be the norm. I hope you alfa male are reading, its in your best interest.

Violet said...

There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want.

BeeGee969 said...

I read your list with considerable interest. I'm kind of projecting your list onto my daughter (single, again, two bad marriages--but that's another story). She's cute as a button (even if I do say so myself--luckily got her mama's looks and ... well, she got her mama's looks.), intelligent, hard-working, technically/professionally-employed, works hard at the gym (and it shows). And I'm not understanding why men aren't falling all over her. With the men she's attracted lately, I've been tempted to buy her a t-shirt that says "JERK MAGNET".

Actually, I think I might have a clue as to her state of single-ness. With all her excellent qualities, she's just the least bit "shallow." If the guy isn't big, blonde, built, and drop-dead gorgeous, she's just not that interested (somewhere, I think she has just never made the connection that if her mom had the same standards, she wouldn't have me as her dad--because I'm neither big, nor blonde, nor do I consider myself to be particularly handsome, although my wife disagrees with me--and she IS the one whose opinion matters.

So. I'm guessing the reason I'm posting here is to just contribute a little more to the dialogue, add another perspective. I guess my daughter just has another list, and doesn't have it written down anywhere.

queenren said...

I HEART YOU, SPINNING GIRL, and I swear I'm not a lesbian. In fact I have found my very own boytoy to play with. I wish you good judgement in finding one of your own... because, as you can see, you have plenty to choose from. ;-)

MadMeer said...

Killing time on a Friday at work, I just read this again and laughed...again. :)