OK, The new job sucks. Good thing it's only for four days. I can't believe that some idiot came up with this idea; all over the news (we have a TV set in the cave), they're promoting it like this great, ground-breaking idea. Nobody is saying the obvious thing. It's like the elephant in the living room (or the drunk uncle at the Christmas party). Nobody is willing to say: This may have been a stupid idea.
I thought it was going to be this amazing experience of what it was really like for humans to rough it, but noooooo.
Here's why life at Human Zoo sucks:
- They bring us all this catered food, but we have to eat it off of the rock where Sweaty One sat all day. Yes, his ass-print is my placemat.
- The only toys are 2 hula hoops and ping pong (with just 1 paddle and 2 balls--whu?)
- Fat One has a hairy back & stands around all day drinking Starbucks (yes, we have it brought in--oooh, roughing it!), with one hand down his fig leaf.
- Chin Cleft keeps trying to put one hand down my fig leaf.
- Hairy Armpit Bitch always takes the best cuts of meat, because "she's on Atkins". F*** you, HAB!
- When it rained, we had to quickly set up this lame-ass tarp (only room for 3 in the cave), and Lazy-Eyed One has apparently never been camping (she's from Glasgow) and lacks the skills for building adequate shelter.
- We were half soaked by the time we got the tarp up, and then there was only room for (x-1) people to stand under it, x being the whole group. We set up this ridiculous rotation where one person switched out to stand in the rain every 5 minutes. Within one hour the whole group was drenched and shivering under the stinky tarp.
- The fig leaf isn't even real, it has a tag. Also, it chafes in the worst way. And they are unisex, so mine has a gap in the front; if I sit just so, everyone can see my amenities.
- All 5 of the American humans keep fighting for the remote, because they want to watch summer reruns of the U.S. version of The Office (sub-par imitation that it is); the European ones want to watch Ukrainian Idol.
- I miss my friends.
The only perks to this are that I get to sleep in a hotel at night (there's hay in the cave, but insurance won't allow us to sleep at the zoo; our enclosure is right next to the Reptile House), and that I have a tiny bit of a flirtation going on with Eurasian Girl. It's disconcerting (I'm straight, I think), but you never know what could happen when people are out of their natural element.
3 more days!!!