I Want My Life Back

OK, The new job sucks. Good thing it's only for four days. I can't believe that some idiot came up with this idea; all over the news (we have a TV set in the cave), they're promoting it like this great, ground-breaking idea. Nobody is saying the obvious thing. It's like the elephant in the living room (or the drunk uncle at the Christmas party). Nobody is willing to say: This may have been a stupid idea.

I thought it was going to be this amazing experience of what it was really like for humans to rough it, but noooooo.

Here's why life at Human Zoo sucks:

1. They bring us all this catered food, but we have to eat it off of the rock where Sweaty One sat all day. Yes, his ass-print is my placemat.
2. The only toys are 2 hula hoops and ping pong (with just 1 paddle and 2 balls--whu?)
3. Fat One has a hairy back & stands around all day drinking Starbucks (yes, we have it brought in--oooh, roughing it!), with one hand down his fig leaf.
4. Chin Cleft keeps trying to put one hand down my fig leaf.
5. Hairy Armpit Bitch always takes the best cuts of meat, because "she's on Atkins". F*** you, HAB!
6. When it rained, we had to quickly set up this lame-ass tarp (only room for 3 in the cave), and Lazy-Eyed One has apparently never been camping (she's from Glasgow) and lacks the skills for building adequate shelter.
7. We were half soaked by the time we got the tarp up, and then there was only room for (x-1) people to stand under it, x being the whole group. We set up this ridiculous rotation where one person switched out to stand in the rain every 5 minutes. Within one hour the whole group was drenched and shivering under the stinky tarp.
8. The fig leaf isn't even real, it has a tag. Also, it chafes in the worst way. And they are unisex, so mine has a gap in the front; if I sit just so, everyone can see my amenities.
9. All 5 of the American humans keep fighting for the remote, because they want to watch summer reruns of the U.S. version of The Office (sub-par imitation that it is); the European ones want to watch Ukrainian Idol.
10. I miss my friends.

The only perks to this are that I get to sleep in a hotel at night (there's hay in the cave, but insurance won't allow us to sleep at the zoo; our enclosure is right next to the Reptile House), and that I have a tiny bit of a flirtation going on with Eurasian Girl. It's disconcerting (I'm straight, I think), but you never know what could happen when people are out of their natural element.

3 more days!!!