August 27, 2005

I Want My Life Back

OK, The new job sucks. Good thing it's only for four days. I can't believe that some idiot came up with this idea; all over the news (we have a TV set in the cave), they're promoting it like this great, ground-breaking idea. Nobody is saying the obvious thing. It's like the elephant in the living room (or the drunk uncle at the Christmas party). Nobody is willing to say: This may have been a stupid idea.

I thought it was going to be this amazing experience of what it was really like for humans to rough it, but noooooo.

Here's why life at Human Zoo sucks:
  1. They bring us all this catered food, but we have to eat it off of the rock where Sweaty One sat all day. Yes, his ass-print is my placemat.
  2. The only toys are 2 hula hoops and ping pong (with just 1 paddle and 2 balls--whu?)
  3. Fat One has a hairy back & stands around all day drinking Starbucks (yes, we have it brought in--oooh, roughing it!), with one hand down his fig leaf.
  4. Chin Cleft keeps trying to put one hand down my fig leaf.
  5. Hairy Armpit Bitch always takes the best cuts of meat, because "she's on Atkins". F*** you, HAB!
  6. When it rained, we had to quickly set up this lame-ass tarp (only room for 3 in the cave), and Lazy-Eyed One has apparently never been camping (she's from Glasgow) and lacks the skills for building adequate shelter.
  7. We were half soaked by the time we got the tarp up, and then there was only room for (x-1) people to stand under it, x being the whole group. We set up this ridiculous rotation where one person switched out to stand in the rain every 5 minutes. Within one hour the whole group was drenched and shivering under the stinky tarp.
  8. The fig leaf isn't even real, it has a tag. Also, it chafes in the worst way. And they are unisex, so mine has a gap in the front; if I sit just so, everyone can see my amenities.
  9. All 5 of the American humans keep fighting for the remote, because they want to watch summer reruns of the U.S. version of The Office (sub-par imitation that it is); the European ones want to watch Ukrainian Idol.
  10. I miss my friends.
The only perks to this are that I get to sleep in a hotel at night (there's hay in the cave, but insurance won't allow us to sleep at the zoo; our enclosure is right next to the Reptile House), and that I have a tiny bit of a flirtation going on with Eurasian Girl. It's disconcerting (I'm straight, I think), but you never know what could happen when people are out of their natural element.
3 more days!!!

29 comments:

Fuzzy said...

sounds kinda like my house, but a little more civil... also with less animals.

Aginoth said...

Spinning Girl, thank you for visiting my blog earlier, nice to hear from one of th eparticipants in the Human Zoo.

I am enjoying reading your blog btw, ad have placed a link to you on mine.

madman said...

I love to hear about others at work--Sorry-it makes me feel like I'm not the only one suffering! GOOD POST! witty blog.

Bobby said...

But is the pay good?

craziequeen said...

I was under the impression from the papers that the occupants of the Human Zoo weren't paid...

Spinning Girl - you putting up with this *gratis*???

Danius Maximus said...

stiff upper lip luv, soon you won't be a public spectacle. It sounded like a good idea on paper...kinda like communism

Michele's Mumblings said...

Just sounds like a waste to me. Why don't they let you sleep all in a heap in the cave. Do the Meerkats have TV too?

The Everglades said...

My job sucks too. There is no remedy for a bad job in the cube farm, like mine.

Blake

B.O.B.I. said...

I still think it beats working in the back room of a major retail store all night.

But that's just me.

bobisoft2k5
*********
nrjrbtv

Doublebogie said...

What a HOOT! Great post. I laughed my ass off.

Chicken Little said...

I had written about this on my blog a few days ago, very surprised to run across an actual participant! Thanks for sharing your story!

Johnny Retail said...

Dig your way out of the situation using a plastic fork from McDonalds. It's amazing what you can do with those things.

Monkey said...

SG! You have to use an ass print as your placemat? I'm writing to the ASPCA. Oh wait... no that won't work.

At the very least, I'm dedicating a post to you.

mr_g said...

"Our enclosure is right next to the reptile house." Man, I never thought I'd hear a person say that!!!

Sounds like this WILL make for some great stories down the road..."Did I ever tell you about the time I was in a zoo exhibit?" Yeah, years to come!

Phil said...

I'm still a bit confused. They gave you ONE paddle, and TWO balls? Either this game is very different from the table tennis I played in high school, or the event coordinator had a bit too much male ego..

Spinning Girl said...

I guess the "experiment" is a success-the chatter is all over the blogs, tonight.

yurozq for it, you got it.

Schlie said...

thanks for taking the time to comment on my blog and for giving me something to talk about. i hope the experience is worth all the negatives, and i agree it does seem like a bad idea.

R. U. Serious said...

Want to know what else sucks about this experiment?

It's been done before.

Warren said...

You posted a comment on my blog. I wan't sure if you your self posted it or if it was just SPAM you send to everyone to let them know not to agree to be put on display at a zoo in london (which is pretty good advice). After reading your article I no longer consider you as a tree hugger and you are now off the list of Londoners that Should be Blown Up.

BadGod said...

Before you leave, get me Hairy Armpit Bitch's number!

ok, bye.

Joanna said...

Heh... sounds interesting.. Keep us posted ;)

Sam said...

thanks for stopping by, i like your blog and love your take on the "human zoo" and i wish you luck with the last part of your incarceration...is it possible that the prisoners at Gitmo are getting treated better than you, HAB, and the rest of the gang?

Sam said...

really sorry to bug you with this, but i was just looking at your photo (from your new job post) and the photo i had from yahoo news and i had to ask - is that you "grooming" the hairy dude in the yahoo news photo? sorry, but fig leaves and long-distance shots make it hard to positively id specimens. if that's you, i'll wholeheartedly agree that your job sucks...

Marla said...

Ok, I have to ask, how did a girl from Connecticut end up as part of this exhibit. I personally wouldn't have thought the idea appealing enough to entice anyone to make their way to London for such an outrageous "job". Speaking of jobs, will this appear on your resume? I'm sorry, I just had to ask.

Greg said...

Brilliant post. Great to hear from you with the real story from inside the zoo. I've done another little piece on what's going on linking to it.

Hope things improve over the last couple days.

The "D" Enigma said...

Which one are you in that picture of the people with the leaves?

Freewill said...

I believe this would make a good reality tv show, what do you think.

Leslie said...

but just think of all the stories you'll have to tell people!

your blog is bad-ass, thanks for stopping by.

Anonymous said...

Were they successful in getting you to breed in captivity?