I can't stop watching this.

My Sordid and Delicious Love affair: A Timeline

“I leave blogger for like five minutes and i come back and find u and Jamwall are an item? That is so rad.” – LBseahag, 1/1/09

Many of my regular readers may have noticed that I tend to mention Jamwall rather often on my blog; others have noticed years of electric silliness between us. What many of you may NOT know is that we have been secretly in love for a while now, have shacked up and are shagging like a pair of llamas in an open paddock. Here is a timeline of our evolving fervor:

September 16, 2005: Jamwall's first comment on my blog post about Magnetic Poetry

October 17, 2005: Jamwall does NOT turn up in my Tarot reading, and is consequently vexed.

January 2006: A secret blog-on-the-side opens, where many of us reveal our true selves and tell our life stories.

February 2006: Jamwall posts photos of himself. I spend 5 minutes touching his face on the monitor. I am instantly drawn to his rugged good looks and his maddening chin dimple. I post pictures of myself, and Jamwall later tells me he thought I was so pretty.

October 2006: Jamwall posts a "Blog Avatars Meet for Happy Hour" post that tickles me because I am included.

December 22, 2006: Jamwall offers to spread me on a cracker. A cracker of my own choosing.

December 27, 2006: Jamwall uses the word “spanking” in a blog comment. His bold choice brings our repartee to a whole new level.

January 2007: Jamwall and I begin a back and forth exchange about misusing condiments in ways that sicken our readers and blow through our free texting minutes.

January 27, 2007: I use the phrase “Minnesotan Manwich” in reference to Jamwall, in the famous Hive Mind post.

February 2007: Jamwall guesses my favorite word to be "Gobstopper" in my Stupidest Blog Contest Ever, and wins a prize. He later writes about it on our secret side blog, and I copy the post to my blog. Read it here.



March (?) 2007: Jamwall sends me gifts. I call Jamwall on the phone, and startle him. This begins the first of a few somewhat awkward phone calls.

Early Summer 2007: Jamwall, Calzone, Monkey and I begin to plan a trip to Boston.

August 4 2007: We all meet up in Boston and see each other face to face for the first time.

August 6 2007: Jamwall puts his hand on my knee and I have an epiphany. Later, we smooch.

August-October 2007: Jamwall & I talk every single day on the phone.





October 2007: We go on a 3-day vacation to Cape Cod. Numerous things happen which I will not discuss. Jamwall and I exchange cooking experiments. He makes Caesar salad. I make soup. We mail each other our inventions.

(November 2007 - August 2008): Jamwall visits me in New England numerous times. We go to New York City and he meets my family. He comes to my performance at Carnegie Hall. Somewhere in this time period, we decide we really like each other.

February 2008: I visit Jamwall in Minnesota. I have never been so freaking cold in my entire life. We have a blast. I meet his family.

July 26, 2008: Jamwall's birthday. I write (and post) a long and heartfelt Ode. I visit Jamwall and on a sunlit bench in a beautiful little park, he proposes. I say yes.

September 15, 2008: 3 years after his very first blog comment, Jawmall moves halfway across the country, into my house.



October 2008: We celebrate 1 year together in Cape Cod.

Now: We have mingled our stuff and our habits, are planning a July wedding for this year, and are dwelling in the bliss of the newly-smitten!!! I hope my favorite person can come to the wedding, because he was key in bringing us together. Besides encouraging us to free our minds and end self-censoring (the key to good writing), he gave us a forum in which we first broke the walls of anonymity and discovered that we were soul twins. We are forever grateful that the strange but wonderful world of blogging brought us together!!!

Zombie Kickball

It's been a while since I've seen my little pal Monkey and known what he's been up to. Luckily, his friend Calzone periodically sends porn and Velveeta to my spankmate Jamwall, so I get to see stuff like this (click the image to jump to YouTube) :


Damn, it's good to see you, baby. Your fur looks amazing. One day, we shall meet again, and my hand will take its familiar place in your giant, gaping hoo-hah.

Meditation on a cup of perfect coffee

A long time ago I used to do a series of posts called Meditations; they were just free-roaming streams-of-consciousness things, but I did enjoy them. I have gotten so far from everyday writing; I think that using a daily writing tool will help me to re-lubricate the muscle and get back into a place where the ideas flow regularly. Like many blocked writers, I am haunted by the idea that there's nothing to write about. But we know that's not true, don't we?

Jamwall taught me how to make the perfect cup of coffee. He is so good at so many things. He is my hero. Anyhow, the coffee: It's easy; you just have to grind the beans right before brewing. He also has some sort of formula, which he was trying to tell me as I was putting on my makeup and he was using my computer to surf the internets ... it was all 24s and sixes and something about a scoop, but I stopped listening because I don't like measuring.

There is this ice cream truck that drives around the neighborhood playing its little ding-a-ling tunes, and today I swear it was playing Man of La Mancha. Who wants to eat ice cream when poor Don Quixote was so painfully thin?!?!? We should be buying him a cone!

I've discovered that the way to keep from mindlessly snacking in the evenings is to stay away from the TV and instead get involved in a project; so tonight I assembled this humongous steel shelving in my garage and organized all my garage crap onto it. I felt really productive and proud, instead of sleepy and lethargic, for a change. With summer coming I am kicking the motivated project-doing SG into high gear. I just realized that winter doldrums should be over, as it is indeed June.

At the old-fashioned theater where I went to hear Dar Williams on Friday, there is an insufficient railing on the balcony. As I stood next to it I had the temptation to throw myself over it. Well, not the temptation so much, as the scary thought of what if? ...I were to just do that? I scare myself like that sometimes. It's not the first time.

I miss Monkey and the days when all of us met in Monkeyland and frolicked together, semi-nudely. Ahhh, alas ... nothing gold can stay. And nothing furry can stay. Which reminds me; I need to shave my legs.

There are these dry-erase markers at work that have gone bad; I think they have started to ferment. So I take a whiff, and I say, Ew! These reek! Then I sniff again, make a face, and sniff again. What is wrong with me?!?!?

That's about all I can do today. I'll see you folks again soon. Tomorrow, if I can keep a promise to myself.

Impostor!

Look who what I found at the Boston Museum of Science! Trying so hard to look like Monkey, yet not him ... no, not him, heart of my heart, gaping hoo-hah to my groping hand, lost and errant child of my banana tree, the squeaky voice that murmurs my name in the night. Like him, yes ... yet unlike.

No.
Not him.

Not my little guy.

Spinning Girl and Friends in the Kitchen: I Make Such a Better Caesar Salad than Jamwall!

Boy, do I love food. And more than food, I love a competition. Especially when I am competing against someone who is so confident that he is going to win that he doesn't even try. I speak, of course, of my secret lover and arch-nemesis, Jamwall. You may recall that in an earlier post I mentioned that we will be competing in a Caesar Salad Recipe contest. He immediately took the crouton and ran with it, trying to show me up with his crazy bottled dressing antics over at Not really a food blog, is it now?.com. Well, I am here today to prove to Jamwall that not only am I willing to dress up like a cowgirl and stand in those funny positions no matter how bad he makes me feel about myself, but I am also a fabulous cook!

Without further ado, my recipe:

The Perfect Caesar Salad

Jamwall's Submission

Step 1. Open Jamwall's salad mailing and take one look at the lettuce; decide not to eat it.
Step 2. rate Jamwall's salad anyhow:

• Texture: 1
• Color: 2
• Creaminess: 6
• Fish Smell: 10+
• Egg Smell: 11
• Crispiness: 0
• Croûton taste: 0 (no croûton provided)

Average Score out of 10: 4.29

Step 3: Scout out the Romaine Lettuce at the market.

Step 4. Decide that a Caesar Salad sounds like a lot of work, and head for the salad bar.

Step 5. Hmmm, no Caesar in this salad bar.

Step 6. I guess I'll just put this container back, then.

Step 7. You know what's always yummy at this market though? The soup!!!


Step 8. Mmmm, this one looks delicious.

Step 9. Buy the soup and bring it home.

Step 10. Pour the creamy soup into a pot and bring to a simmer.

Step 11. Yum, will you look at that?!?!?



Step 12. Sample for quality.

Step 13. Hell yeah, I am so gonna win this contest now!

Step 14. Damn, am I a good cook!

Step 15. I think Jamwall will really like this when he tries it.

Step 16. Hmmm, that looks a little moist.

Step 17. I guess it'll be fine.

Step 18. Seal the envelope!

Step 19. Address the envelope to Jamwall and pop it into the mail!

Step 20. And that's how you make a perfect Caesar Salad!!!

If you would like to read any more of my culinary or competitive adventures, please visit:

Making Cocoa with Monkey

Clash of Titans (click the tag below if you really want to read the whole thing; it's not for the faint of heart)

Monkey spots TBDOA!

Knowing TBDOA exist is one thing; seeing the evidence firsthand is quite another. Here, Monkey and I were having lunch atop the Pru in Boston, browsing a touring booklet. Imagine our dismay when we discovered that Teddy Bears Dressed as Lobsters had invaded even this most beautiful place!

snickerdoodle plungeritis myopia

I am having trouble coming up with a "safe word" for this weekend's upcoming antics in Boston. I am meeting two friends and (hopefully) reuniting with a furry lover of old. Here are some I have considered:

• Hokey pokey


• Marmalade


• Alligator Roll


• Squiggles

I rejected these, because they could all be misinterpreted as requests and/or materials. Now I am compiling list #2. I want something thematic, yet distinctive:

• Avast!
• Seagull!
• One if by land, two if by sea!
• Thar she blows!
• Old Ironsides!
• Minute man
• Bunker Hill
• Clams
• Witch dungeon

I'm having so much trouble. Any suggestions?