Art Contest Extravaganza!

While all of you are getting ready to watch the Superbowl, I am agonizing over the most difficult decision of my life. I speak, of course, of my art contest and the volume of fine artwork that I received in response to my challenge. First of all, thank you and congratulations to all who entered. You are all winners!!! I did disqualify one entry that came in from Think Frustrated. Upon viewing your entries, it seemed to me that your drawings had nothing to do with my contest at all, and you were just trying to get us all to come look at your stick figures. Nice try. They were cute though. Had you even drawn a turtle shell on one of your drawings, you would have been totally in.

As I studied the entries, I found myself in a true dilemma. Each of them is appealing in its own way, disturbing different aspects of my psyche at turns.

Take a look:

Jamwall

"Sheer beauty and absolute terror at the same time."

I find this entry to be the most disturbed, and disturbing, of the four I received. There's sure a lot going on here. To me, it represent the soullessness of modern man and the quest for greatness in a milieu of mediocrity. Or else that Jamwall has been eating mind-altering mushrooms.

Pope Terry

"here's my entry, it's enititled skippy the weredeer.

If this isn't spinning girl then apologies and disregard this message."

By far the best part of Pope Terry's entry is the fact that it is drawn on what appears to be the back of some sort of work-related booklet, like maybe he was sitting in a meeting drawing this. Well, that and the giant brain.

Butchie

"If I don't win this there is no God."

Butchie's entry fills me with a confusing mixture of desire and loathing. I can't stop staring at that tiny little pierced penis. I want to touch it, and then tear the paper into tiny pieces.

(make usre you click-through for maximum enjoyment)

Tits McGee

"Drawing this cheered me up more than I can say."

Tits has been campaigning the hardest for a win, as seen in her comments. Hers was also the first entry to come in, which tells me that she really embraced the contest with her full bosom. I also like the sort of passive smirk on the Bambi, and the sideline encouragement of the turtle.

Now I find myself faced with the monumental task of choosing a winner, and I cannot do it alone. I guess this is why I never got a job at the Art Institute of America. It is simply too difficult!! Please weigh in on the following poll and I will consider your input when I make my final decision. I have also decided to send a prize to both the winner and the runner-up. I don't know what it will be, but you are guaranteed that it is crap from my house (the best kind of prize, as history has taught us).
Now then:

The plight of the orange mittens...

First, the Background.

One of the jobs of being a teacher in my school is to direct the traffic during the early-morning parent drop-off. This is quite a stressful job, because everyone wants to show that their BMW is the fastest, and that crosswalk laws don't apply to people who are late for their manicure. The person in my school who does this job is a lovely lady named Gilda, and I have always admired how she does the job with such cheer.

One morning, a particularly cold morning, we talked as I crossed the traffic under her careful supervision. We observed that she'd be warmer with mittens, but of course they would need to be bright orange, so that she could direct traffic with them.

A few days later I happened to be shopping at my favorite woodsy online shoppe (read all about how great their customer service is here); I discovered a pair of fleecy orange mittens on sale, and had them sent to her at school. They arrived in just a few days, and Gilda came to my classroom waving her mitten-clad hands happily, thanking me.

Now comes the strange part of the tale.

This past week, whenever I arrived at school, I saw Gilda directing traffic, sporting her new orange mittens. This made me happy, because I like when people actually use a gift that I give them, which is rare. But on Tuesday, I observed that she seemed to be putting the mittens on as I approached the school. It didn't really capture my attention too much, until I saw her doing the same thing on Thursday. I began to think ... could it be that she was actually just putting the mittens on for me to see?

Sure enough ... I went inside, but about two minutes later peeked out the windows and saw, to my utter dismay, that she had other mittens on and the orange one was sticking out of her pocket. How odd! Why would she only put the mittens on for me to see?!?!?!

I don't even know how to think about this. It is so very strange that I don't know whether I should be flattered, offended, or what. I suppose I'm supposed to feel just the way I feel, which is a giant "Huh?!?"... not to mention that the preferred mittens are bright yellow, therefore highly visible, and possibly warmer. So I can understand that. But why the charade?

On another note, here are some of the pictures you can find if you Google "orange mitten":

snickerdoodle plungeritis myopia

I am having trouble coming up with a "safe word" for this weekend's upcoming antics in Boston. I am meeting two friends and (hopefully) reuniting with a furry lover of old. Here are some I have considered:

• Hokey pokey


• Marmalade


• Alligator Roll


• Squiggles

I rejected these, because they could all be misinterpreted as requests and/or materials. Now I am compiling list #2. I want something thematic, yet distinctive:

• Avast!
• Seagull!
• One if by land, two if by sea!
• Thar she blows!
• Old Ironsides!
• Minute man
• Bunker Hill
• Clams
• Witch dungeon

I'm having so much trouble. Any suggestions?

Also, in the very near future, I intend to discuss the following at great length:

Plushies