August 05, 2015

The Black Book (a veritable what the hell who's who? of people who have held little bits of my heart through the years)

Name: Clem
Me: 2nd grade, confused, ADD, never brushed my hair.
Him: the boy who sat next to me, Cuban, dark, mysterious, effeminate.
What happened: I chased him around the playground and pinned him down, tried to kiss him. Primordial sexual stirrings. My mother wouldn’t let me go to his house to play. Interest waned.

Name: Jenny
Me: I adored her in 2nd-3rd grade
Her: My best friend
Why we kissed: We were best friends, so we had to seal the pact. She had the biggest pucker ever.

Name: Martin
Me: Grade 3, glasses, precocious, lost the spelling bee
Him: Grade 4, older, taller, played the lead role in The Mikado, British
What happened: Huge crush; fantasies of being hospitalized and him holding my hand, consoling me. Not entirely sure he knew I was alive. See how much I loved him in
this picture.

Name: My Cool J. Fox
Me: Freshman in high school
Him: Senior, repeating a class he had failed, looked like
Alex Keaton
What happened: Huge crush; fantasies of being hospitalized and him holding my hand, consoling me. Not entirely sure he knew I was alive.


Now come the crush years. Too many to list. Include Markus, whom my cousin also dated. 2 guys named Hillar. Blah blah blah. Hard Puberty, breasts, mortification, adjustment.
Name: Dennis 1
Me: Senior
Him: Sophomore, but older than most because he stayed back and had started school late. Not too bright. Big eyebrows. Skinny.
What happened: I broke up with him the day before the prom but we went together anyhow. He showed up in a tux that did not match my dress. I ignored him all night.

Name: Hodge
Me: College Freshman
Him: Junior (also in college)
How It Went Down: Storybook romance; I spotted him at a soccer game and said, “I would die for a guy like that.” He spotted me in the bookstore and said, “Do I know you?” then hunted me down in my dorm. We were in love for a few months. He showed up to meet my dad in a rumpled shirt & no shave. He broke up with me. We tried to get together a few times but it didn’t take. I was finally over him 2 years later.

Name: Aryan
Me: Sophomore-Senior in college
Him: Lived in my dorm, dated my friend, drove a beatup Chevy pickup that he still has.
What happened: He broke up with her to date me. She tried to kill herself twice. We camped & burned tires in the woods. Love. He was Russian Orthodox and I wasn’t. I think black folks are a-ok and he doesn’t. His former roommate is now my boss. His brother died in 1999 so we got back in touch. 1-2 emails a year.

Now comes sort of a blurry haze for a few years in the job world. Including Mike, my vice principal, who was arrested the day after we went out for drinks (for possession of cocaine) & forced to resign; Dennis 2, whose mom I worked with and who (I found out) had been arrested for a domestic violence incident at some point; Dennis 3, whose brother I worked with and who left 25 drunken messages on my answering machine one night; some guy whose name I forget whom I escaped by ducking out through the kitchen of a bakery; some other guy who I left at a restaurant after he got up 8 times to make phone calls. I think I might have been making bad choices.
Name: Shepherd Boy
Me: 24
Him: 19
What happened: Broke my heart.

Name: The Onion
Me: 27, feisty, adventurous
Him: 28, Dot com millionaire, eccentric, liar, somewhat famous.
What happened: I felt like something wasn't quite right. I let it go. Later, I read about him online and found out what he had been up to, and it was not good. I can't give details, because I don't want you to look him up and embarrass him.

Name: Neighb
Me: I don’t know. Almost 30.
Him: My best friend.
What happened: We were friends for 10 years, then we crossed over & couldn’t cross back when it didn’t work out. We stopped talking when he started dating the woman he later married, and we just never talked again. My boss is good friends with him (he also lived in my dorm) & gives me updates I don’t want to hear.

Name: Stefan
Me: Now
Him: A very dear friend
What's happening: I so wish we were attracted to each other, because I adore him and we are amazingly great friends. We are each other’s Plan B; maybe when we are both 90 and we’ve given up the quest for Mr./Ms. Right.

Name: Sven
Me: 30
Him: 39, Norwegian, possible Asperger’s Syndrome, tall, penilely challenged
What happened: I hated his stupid dog and didn’t love him. He cried for 3 hours when we broke up and wouldn’t leave my house.

Name: Neil
Me: Looking for work with birds of prey, recovering from surgery, feeling a need to reconnect with my womanhood.
Him: Doing a study with birds of prey in Wyoming desert, running dogsleds in the winter, living in a teepee, smoking pot.
What happened: Spent a few weeks banding hawks and reconnecting with my womanhood. Then I came home.

Name: The K-Man
Me: Teacher, 31-34, smitten
Him: Charming, funny, alcoholic, married
What happened: Great pals, worked closely together, went to New Orleans for a conference and he acted like a big asshole; I told him to go to hell and fix his train wreck of a life. Left him in New Orleans. Major impetus for giving up alcohol.

Name: Brad the Clown
Me: 35-36, aloof, bored
Him: 37-38, one testicle, artistic, boring, racist, lazy, sloppy eater, has 1 joke that he repeats over & over.
What happened: I dumped him.

Name: The Handyman a.k.a. Brazil nut
Me: 36, 2 days after breaking up with Brad, I said to my friends; “I need a hot-blooded Latino lover to tell me I am beautiful.”
Him: In my house when I got home that day.
What happened: 1 month fling, with bonus (!) of numerous items fixed & painted around my house. Then he went back to Venezuela.

Name: Freaky Hand Fetish Dude
Me: Agreed to a blind date
Him: Bass player, looked like
this guy from Stargate, freaky, carried pictures of his cats in his wallet.
Why I changed my phone number: When I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him trying to hold my hand this early (we had met 10 minutes ago) he said, peevishly, “Oh, what --- we have rules about things now?!?” He asked me to clap my hands so he could psychoanalyze me according to how I clapped. When I did so, he closed his eyes and smiled and said, “That is the most beautiful sound in the world.” Later, he rested his hand open-palmed on my hand and moaned with his eyes closed as if he had just squirted in his pants. He freaked me out so much I didn’t leave him immediately, I was afraid he would stalk me. Luckily he didn’t know where I live or any of my phone numbers but the one I changed.

Name: Calzone
Me: Horrified ... yet drawn to him.
Him: Abusive, condescending, defiling, objectifying, pampering. Ridicules me, feeds me cheese, dresses me up like a cowgirl.
What happened: It’s still happening and it never ever stops.

Me: Nurturing, adoring, anticipating.
Him: Fuzzy, has a giant hoo hah, indignant, flattering, incessantly packing and unpacking.
What happened: He is coming here in 3 days!!! It will be the time of our lives. I am, after all, easy to please.


Monkey said...

I'm going to Spinning Girls! I'm going to Spinning Girls!

I packed my jammies and tums because I plan on staying up late, eating smores and telling ghost stories.

(My human had odd hospitalization fantasies in the fourth and fifth grade too. How interesting.)

Used Hack said...

Oh, gosh. What a nice list. I would like to do that, but I have too many "real people" who read my blog.

Bob Dole said...

Name: Bob Dole
Me: Nurturing, adoring, anticipating.
Him: Stoic, really really old, angry, cranky, aroused, massive salami.
What happened: Bob Dole had dimensia.

Where is Bob Dole?

LBseahag said...

Get Bent, Amy Campbell!!!

Spinning Girl said...

Yeah, screw you,
Amy Campbell!!!

CP said...

SG - This is seriously one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read. Seriously. It was so melancholy and bittersweet.

I'd do a similar one, but I don't think I have enough bandwidth.


Cupcake said...

I'm with cp. Not enough bandwidth. Besides, mine all seem so insignificant compared to yours, SG.

Well, except the one.

BadGod said...

So, yeah..I guess you ran outta room for our "thing", I uh, understand. Really, I do.

It's fine.
(word verif---eqacox cox! ha)

Fred said...

yikes, early starter eh. i'm down with that. just make sure you use protection. preferably a rolling pin or butter knife. then you can buttered toast some ass.

Tits McGee said...

Your description of Freaky Hand Fetish Dude made me have to go take a shower.


AndyT13 said...

That was...amazing. If I did something like that not only would it be way to long to read (or write) but I'd probably be hunted down and castrated by a mob of angry women. Yikes! Interesting side note: I just took my first raptor handling course and loved it! mmm birds of prey! Cheers!

Gyrobo said...

It sounds like the one thing consistent in your life is bad luck.

Perhaps you should posess someone else using psychic powers; then you'd be on the right track.

DaMasta said...

Holy looks-like-i'm-not-the-only-loser-magnet, Batman!

I will not copy this post.

I will resist.

DaMasta said...

Brad the Clown is a tool. Sounds like he was the one with the big hoo haa. Was he really a clown? That should have been your first clue.

dizzy von damn! said...

i used to imagine my funeral to try to figure out if certain people would cry.

and the hospital thing too.

it's something in the water.

Calzone said...

I didn't say this was okay to do. I want you to shave your head and wear suspenders to class

PJ said...

I don't think I could do this if I tried. Kudos for remembering all those. That was a cool read.

Spinning Girl said...

I realized I skipped middle school altogether. What the hell did I do for 3 years? No memory.

Also, I am auditioning people for the role of Sexy Blogger Cuddlebum, if anyone is interested.

Bill said...

I'm an idiot. I put this comment on the wrong post. Doh! Anyway ... now with the right post:

I started doing something similar but stopped. It began:

Name: Maude
Me: Desperate, uninformed, impoverished
Her: elderly, frail, poor memory
What happened: Police, lawyers, news media …

The only other one I could think of involved a bouncer named Bruno and some money I owed. But I don't want to talk about that.

Ninian said...

Though I did enjoy the list of don'ts, screw being easy to please! If you really want to find someone worthwhile - or at least know a bit of what you're looking for - you should sit yourself down and make a list of several things you REQUIRE in a mate then add the phrase, "and I'll settle for nothing less because I'm worth it." Then sign it as if it's a contract with yourself. ...because you are worth it.

dizzy von damn! said...

i would like to apply for that position.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Great post. Interesting roster of men. I'm off to read Easy to Please. Sounds promising.

Jerrster said...

god darn...I loved this...I want to do this SO bad.

Jimmy Romance said...

cool read!

jiggs said...


I would apply for sex blogger cuddlebum, but our time has past.

My recommendation: Hire miss kendra.

Karl the Sorcerer said...

I will use my sorceric powers to restore your life to its perfect future:

I'Tan! y'Biton! Qua... zell... M'butu!

*waves hands*

There. It is done.

babyjewels said...

That was a great post.

Willie Baronet said...

First, I'm hurt that I didn't make the list. The fact that we've never dated shouldn't matter.

Second, what is required to become the SBC you are auditioning people for?

Third, explain the difference between passed and past to "Jiggs".

Fourth, how the hell was the visit from Monkey??

Five, how long is long enough?

Crystal said...

This has got to be one of my favorites of your posts. How do you remember them all with such great details?

I would make a similar list if most of my early crushes didn't end in "he didn't dig chubby freckle-faced french horn-playing band nerds."

I was a late bloomer.

shirlnutkin said...

... just a happy visitor (aka stranger) here! i somewhat randomly came across your blog (because of a search i did on 'word verification' - and your post was hilarious!). totally enjoyed this post, have told several friends of your blog and sure to visit again. great writing, too!

Monkey said...

Utterly random rereading of your old posts. I always loved this one. Birds of prey indeed.

J said...

Reading about other people's love lives is very entertaining if done right. The writing, I mean, not the reading. Or possibly the loving. No, I take that back. It's most entertaining if that part is done wrong.

Thank you for doing it all, and being honest about it!

Suzan Baker said...

I would say its well written. Your writing is intense.
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