August 28, 2005

This Place is a Zoo … Literally

Day 3 at Human Zoo is drawing to a close. I thought you'd enjoy a walk through a typical day, so I kept a journal. I can't begin to list everything we've done (we are just sooo busy -- ha!), but this will at least give you the highlights. Enjoy!

10 PM-6 AM:
--Sleep at Princess & The Pea Motel
("where the beds are oh so comfeeee!" -- you know the jingle)

6:30 AM:
--Pick-up via London Zoo Transport (mini-van driven by Ahmud Halbibi)

6:45 AM
--Arrival at Zoo
--Change into fig leaves
--Enter enclosure

7:00 AM
--Breakfast: Bangers-n-Mash, eggs over easy, orange marmalade, rye toast with caraway seeds (the most vile seed in the world), and Starbucks Coffee (yeah!)
--Fat One guzzles his mochaccino and asks for another
--Lazy-Eyed One wanders outside and skips breakfast entirely
--Hairy Armpit Bitch eats 3 eggs only

7:30 AM
--Publicity shot:

L-R: Hairy Armpit Bitch, Spinning Girl, Sweaty One, Tired One, Fat One, Lazy-Eyed One, Eurasian Girl, and Cleft Chin (hiding)

8:00-10:00 AM
--Zoo opens for the day; morning visitors and maintenance
--Rock gets hosed down
--Humans watch Good Morning, World! on cave TV
--Cleft Chin asks Spinning Girl to rub his head while we watch TV
--Spinning Girl refuses, and flips through a copy of Maxim instead
--Eurasian Girl sidles up to Spinning Girl but then spends 15 minutes talking to Cleft Chin
--Naps for everyone
--Cleft Chin chases Eurasian Girl around enclosure
--Throw-pillow war; pecking order established
--Spinning Girl finds herself close to bottom of pecking order (I just ran away during most of the pillow fight); spends time alone;
Sweaty One has aspirations of fame:

10:00 AM-11:00 AM
--Kids gawk & wave at Humans;
Lazy-Eyed One begs Animal Handlers for a granola bar
--Sweaty One defecates into own hand and hurls it at spectators.
--Humans “groom” each other (I’m not clear as to why we are told to do this; aren’t we supposed to be modern humans? Anyway, it’s in the contract—so we do it)
; it takes two Humans to groom Fat One's greasy mop:

11:00 AM - 12:00 PM

--Middle-of-Day crowds appear
--Kids tap on one-way glass window in cave
--Spinning Girl gives kids “Human Greeting” through one-way glass
(can’t see their responses, but it’s still very satisfying)
--Humans rub the lotion onto their skin, then put the lotion in the basket
--Sunbathing time
--Conjugal visits from loved ones (Thank you, BOBI, for arranging it!)

12:00 PM
--Dinner is served: Duck breast with a blackberry brandy reduction, wild rice pilaf, and summer squash

12:45 PM-2:00 PM
--Cleft Chin and Eurasian Girl spend some “alone time” in the cave
--Spinning Girl plays 1-person ping-pong against outside wall of cave
--Lazy-Eyed One and Tired One give each other mani-pedis
--Sweaty One reads Gray’s Anatomy
--Hairy Armpit Bitch talks to two Animal Handlers by the entrance

2:00 PM – 4:00 PM
--Field trip from local summer camp
(55 wide-eyed kids, all wearing lapiz blue shirts that say Leaves of Grass Summer Camp on them)
--Humans pose and pretend to frolic while Zoo staff discuss our habits, diet, and daily lives
--Fat One bites Cleft Chin on leg; Spinning Girl hides in a bush
--Fat One proclaims himself “alpha male” and calls all females to him from highest point in enclosure
--Females ignore Fat One and ask Sweaty One to tell us all about the Plantar Fascia
--Lazy-Eyed One picks leaves out of Spinning Girl’s hair

4:00 PM
--High Tea!

5:00-6:30 PM
--Evening Games: Hula hoop, staring contest, Whatever On Earth Might I Have in my Mouth?, Truth or Dare, Spin the Rock

--Tired One chokes on a twig; Sweaty One administers Heimlich Maneuver

6:30 PM
--Supper is served:
Choice of roast lamb, ham, or flounder
Grilled asparagus
Creamed spinach
Potatoes au gratin
Ale or mineral water

7:30 PM
--Ukrainian Idol or The Office
--Movie Night (Monty Python)
--Spinning Girl works on lesson plans in the corner with her new helper, Lazy-Eyed One
--Return to Motel

As you may have surmised, we are really learning what it is like to be an animal. I'm a little worried about becoming institutionalized. Thank goodness it's just one more day and then I will have my life back!


Bobby said...

I laughed and laughed until I peed in my fig leaf a little.

Glad you're having fun, heh heh.

BeckEye said...

Did you ever see that Twilight Zone where Roddy MacDowall lands on some other planet and they trick him into thinking they're giving him a nice house, but he really becomes a zoo exhibit?

I guess if you didn't see it, I just ruined it for you.

Bill Purdy said...

Your point about this whole thing supposedly being about modern humans is what perplexes me about it. Modern humans don't wear fig leaves. Modern humans don't groom one another.

Modern humans do come up with snarky nicknames for one another, but how this is communicated to the adoring public from within your enclosure who may or may not have access to your blog is beyond me.

I've enjoyed reading about it, though. Thanks, spinning girl.

craziequeen said...

I love your commentary, Spinning Girl, but I'm puzzled about the published aim of this exhibit (below) from the zsl webite.,94,EV.html

"The four day event aims to demonstrate the basic nature of man as an animal and *examine the impact that Homo sapiens have on the rest of the animal kingdom*."

Are you having an impact on your fellow zoo inmates?

You're not hunting them - or being hunted. You are not eating them - or being eaten. You are not chopping down their environment - or beating them out of yours.


UberGoober said...

I lift up your fig leaves.

Sam said...

hilarious...when you guys leave, are they going to tag you and then release you into the wild?

PJ said...

Holy fuck...I totally thought this was a joke until I really read it. Hilarious! :)

Sleep Goblin said...

Well, I really had high hopes for this being a great thing... the website talked it up like real research or something.

But alas, it was really just another reason for people to look dumb... sorry :(