October 21, 2005

Hey Doll

My friend's two-year-old had a really scary-looking doll with big blue eyes. At some point, she decided the doll was a boy so she took off its dress and called it Michael. I never wanted to hold it. It would stare at me with its unblinking eyes and its painted-on, sinister smile. I told my friend it reminded me of Children of the Corn.

  • One day, I was visiting and I heard the little girl call the doll Michael Corn. I had only said the Children of the Corn thing once, but she must have heard me. The name stuck for a year, until M.C. got spirited away one night by my friend, who couldn't stand to look at him for another day.

  • Other dolls that scare me: Chucky, clowns (especially the ones that bounce back up after you hit them), the potato head couple and all their evil brood, white dolls turned Black or Hispanic (hell, Asian too---or Pacific Islander), anatomically correct female dolls (with delicate little folds of plastic labia), uncircumcised boy dolls, dolls that cry, politically correct Barbie (like Barbie, but with fallen arches, tiny tits, & cellulite. I think it's called "Happy to be Me" or some up-with-people shit like that), dolls that urinate, dolls that defecate, dolls that spit up, dolls who have fluid coming out from an opening between their legs every four weeks or so (always throw the pad in the nearest garbage bin -- never in the toilet!), Baby Alive, Dressy Bessy, Dapper Dan, teddy bears dressed as other animals, realistic-looking piggy banks (not a doll, but like a doll, yes?), Teddy Ruxpin, dolls with pullstrings or knobs in their backs, dolls with hair or skin that changes color, dolls whose hair "grows", dolls without bodies (that Barbie make-up & hairdo torso), dolls with painted-on clothing, dolls with too many teeth, dolls with freckles, dolls whose eyes move side to side (open & closed is OK), dolls that are obese, Dolls that are scrawny, Down's Syndrome dolls, dolls that unexpectedly speak (also Furbees and ET), dolls that try to saw through your Achilles tendon with a scalpel, dolls that come to life and chase you around the apartment with a knife, dolls with zippers or cubbies for storing your stuff in their body cavities, identical twin dolls (which I guess is all dolls, since they are mass-produced) ... mass produced dolls, really old cracked porcelain dolls, and dolls with hard bodies that don't bend. Besides these specific ones, I just love dolls.

24 comments:

Cupcake said...

"and dolls with hard bodies that don't bend."
I love tall, handsome dolls with hard bodies. I like them to be bendy, though.
At least we all know what NOT to get you for Christmas.

Juliabohemian said...

I'm with you on all that stuff. I especially hate any toys that talk to you. I also hate clowns, mimes, mannaquins, dolls that are supposed to look realistic.

Bobby said...

dolls that try to saw through your Achilles tendon with a scalpel


Yep, hate those too.

Lulu said...

There is something inherently creepy about dolls. I'm with you all the way. My neices have a few and seem to love them at first, but they always end up destroying them...losing their heads, cutting their hair off, blacking their eyes out with sharpie pens, gutting them like fish...I don't know which is worse. The before or the after.

B.O.B.I. said...

You don't know what EZ Mac is? Granted, it's a recent invention, but c'mon! It's so fuggin' convenient! College students have been known to subsist on nothing but EZ Mac and Ramen Noodles at something like $.92 a week. It's amazing.

Sorry about the cold. I'd kiss it better, but I think that might be how you got it in the first place. :P

bricotrout said...

what do you mean scary? her hair falls just like yours does! lol
and i am not shitting you here: word ver: sgsnm (damn thats earie!!)

FRITZ said...

Okay, I can see your point about the dolls. I had a porcelain doll with REAL HUMAN HAIR as a kid. My mom wanted me to put her into a cupboard and never touch her, but she was SO DAMN FREAKY I had to cut that hair off and tie a bandana around her freaky, blinking eyes.

But how could you think this isn't ADORABLE?

mr_g said...

I don't know why, but all of a sudden I'm craving an Armour hot dog...what kind of dolls like Armour Hot Dogs anyway?

BadGod said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
BadGod said...

You said "tits" and "shit" in the same post!

That is kinda cool for some reason.

BTW- Stevie King got the idea for Children of the Corn while driving across Nebraska.



Good Day!

Warren said...

My grandma used to knit us dolls for christmass....those were always really scary Christmas's.

jamwall said...

that doll totally creeps me out! i saw the evil in its eyes...kinda like it was actually saying "i'm going to kill you jamwall....."

oh my god! hold me spinning girl......hooooooolldd mmmeeeeee...

Weary Hag said...

The doll in your post IS a little freaky.
I don't mind dolls so much, but the ones I got as a little girl already went through three older sisters so they came to me with no hair (just holes in the heads), squished eyes, usually stuck open, and crayon or ink marks all over them.

FU said...

*sniff* u are racist against dolls.

how sad. when will the world realize, its not the color of the plastic skin, but the internal hollowness that counts?

my word verif: DYKON

is that like some lesbian only deodorant?

Serena said...

this post is going to give me nightmares. Thanks.

Quilting Girl said...

When Spinning Girl told me about this entry, I just had to add on a few of my own...

1 - Cabbage Patch Dolls (the fact that their belly buttons and ass cracks are made solely with thread freaks me out)

2 - Dolls that you order from those Sunday magazines that accompany many local newspapers (my friends mother used to collect them and the scariest by far was a baby in a crawling position that was put on their mantle - where was it trying to crawl to?!)

3 - A favorite of my mothers childhood - Little Miss No Name. The name alone should tell you how scary this thing is... Click at your own risk (I'm warning you now): http://www.whitless.com/wpe09298.JPG

Quilting Girl said...

One more that I wanted to share that I forgot about - I almost succeeded in blocking it from my memory.

4 - The Raggedy Ann Doll. As if it wasn't scary enough with that devil red hair, triangle nose, and ugly striped stockings... Ed and Lorainne Warren are two individuals who research the paranormal. One case was on a doll owned by two nurses. Her name was Annabel, but she was a Raggedy Ann doll that was possessed by an evil demon. The story can be read here (once again, I warn you - this story should not be read by those with heart conditions)

http://www.warrens.net/main.htm

Spinning Girl said...

Really, I embrace all cultures; I just hate "white-dolls-turned- ethnic" by adding color and changing the face a little bit.

babyjewels said...

What about Raggedy Ann? After the Warren's told the world about the Raggedy Ann that they keep behind glass because it tried to kill people. My mother has my old RA and I can't bear to look at her. Oh, and she talks with a pull string. Yikes!

Cap'n Marrrrk said...

Hey SG,

Help me find some dolls I can turn into Marizpan Babies.

t2ed said...

That is a seriously freaky doll. I can't believe it took a full year to get "spirited away."

I think American Girl borders on cult status as well. Once you get in, you never get out.

MadMeer said...

"anatomically correct female dolls (with delicate little folds of plastic labia)" hahaha! Iced tea came out from my nose when I read that!

My little sister had this scary blue-eyed blonde androgenous doll that said things like "tell me a secret, I'll tell you one." I swear to this day that doll said "Want to play? I'll fuck you." Everything else it said was easy to understand, but the "fuck you" was a little blurred on purpose. I had to gut it until I got the little voice box out for my family's safety!

I colored on it with a permanent magic marker and cut all it's hair off first, but that was more for me I guess.

Sick little doll!

bellsonherfingers said...

I totally agree! That doll your 2 year old has is a Galoob Baby Face doll made in the 1990s. They stopped making them but would you believe that there is a group of people who collect the whole series. They even costume them and hold online fashion shows for the creepy little things. These collectors like to "talk" online in lisping baby talk as they discuss their "babies". Ick! These plastic dolls so creep me out that I have decided to use a few of them that were donated to me as Halloween makeover dolls. I've jsut about finished 5 of them and I plan on auctioning them off in charity auctions for Unicef in October. Check out the progress in my eBay blog if you wish: http://blogs.ebay.com/dturnersan

Spinning Girl said...

Also TROLL DOLLS!!!!!