September 01, 2005

Mental Gumballs, Made Exclusively for You

I don’t understand stuffed animals dressed as other animals. It’s creepy and perverted. Today at Starbucks (yes, I support this behemoth, so what?) I saw a whole basket of bears wearing frog costumes. I’ve also come across bears dressed up as bumblebees, ladybugs, ducks, and rabbits. [editorial note: I can't f***ing believe I just found pictures of all of those, I made half of them up] Don't even get me started on bear vegetables, or we'll be here all night. What is that all about? Isn’t it enough just to carry a stuffed bear?!? Isn’t it enough to be a stuffed bear, for chrissake?!?? Does it have to be a bear and a frog at the same time? I’d like to have witnessed the unfortunate copulation that resulted in such a freakish toy.
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Then at work, an “emergency meeting” of 5 people convened to discuss what to do about Annie and Amy, identical twins who had mistakenly been placed in several of the same classes together. What should we do? Should we separate them? Should we keep them together? What if they don’t get along? What if we can’t tell them apart? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Just what in hippity hop hell do we do?!?!?!?!?
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I resent the foregone conclusion that twins might not want to be together, or that they shouldn’t be. Most twins that I know like each other. There are exceptions, of course; I do know of twins who reported that they “despised” one another, which saddens me at a place deep within my core. Being a twin myself, I know that my twin sister* is somebody I love more than anybody in the world, and together with my younger sister** is one of my two very best friends!
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My twin and I were together numerous times throughout our schooling; we were even roommates in college and later owned a house together. OK, maybe we did wait a little long to divide up the placenta, but at least we knew we mattered to each other.
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In seventh grade, our teachers asked us if it bothered us to be in the same "cluster" and if we wanted to be separated. I was perplexed by this question, but in hindsight I appreciate being asked. What pissed me off today was the immediate assumption that this would be a problem for Annie and Amy. I kept piping up with phrases like, “Why jump to separate them?” “Maybe they want to be together.” And the most ground-breaking one of all: “How about if we ask them?” (what a concept!) All of these suggestions fell on the deaf ears of the Crisis Team that churned forward on its blind mission. I’ll find out next week how it all turned out.
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One last note about being a twin, and maybe all you twins out there can relate. I have built-in backup memory. When I forget exactly how something went down in my past, all I have to do is ask my twin sister; she usually has some of the missing pieces. And I fill some of her memory gaps as well. It’s beautiful, man (cue violin solo here). I don’t know how the rest of you manage, frankly.
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Hmmm ... I thought the gumball machine was full, but apparently there were just two. Better call the manager.
*Twirling Girl
** Tuuna Taco
Disclaimer: Failure to mention Katrina does not signify lack of caring on the part of this blogger.

17 comments:

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I dated a twin once, but somehow she was prettier than her sister.

What gives?

Sis B said...

What kind of world are we living in when even teddy bears are having identity crises? It's bad enough that men and women of the human persuasion are plagued with media telling them to dress and act differently than they do naturally. And why in tarnation would a bear think it's cooler to be a frog? Amphibians... well, granted, Kermit is pretty cool, but even he admitted it's not easy being green... I can't even begin to understand the bear who thought it would be cool to dress up like a pea pod... I mean, that's both green AND inanimate.

Crisis Team--ASSEMBLE!!! Let us know what comes of the epic twin saga. Are your fellow instructors bored, or what?

Doublebogie said...

Being a twin myself I didn't however attend the same classes as my brother. We both kinda liked it that way because we were able to establish our own identities. (although it didn't come about till we were older and started to NOT look like each other so much)I had a tooth knocked out and people used to ask me to smile to tell us apart.
We did try to confuse our teachers in first grade once. We switched classes and my teacher had no clue my brother wasn't me, but his teacher took one look at me and told me to leave the class and get back to my original room immediately!
Also,,, you are right about forgetting something.. my brother is good at filling in blanks.
As for Annie and Amy, I suggest you ask them! Maybe they don't want to be together or maybe they don't want to be separated. Who's gona know but them? The debate team????

babyjewels said...

Short of just asking the twins, I can't believe they didn't consult you for some advice on the matter or the parents, perhaps.

Regarding the bears, I think its very much like what the porn industry is doing to people. We're so desensitized, it's not good enough to just be a bear, it's got to be a junked up bear to get our attention now.

Juliabohemian said...

I agree with your approach. There's no reason why they can't be in the same class. You know those Olsen twins actually do go everywhere together and in a lot of pictures they are holding hands.

B.O.B.I. said...

I have a photographic memory.

Don't need much backup, I guess.

Spinning Girl said...

wait til you get a few more years under your belt. you might need a built-in memory buddy.

Danius Maximus said...

no one can see my twin but me. sometimes he tells me to do things. bad things. shhhhh! if we talk quiet he won't hear

Harry Yak said...

With all the things kids and those who educate them have to concern themselves with, it amazes me that this situation called for a "Crisis Team". I Mean you have a lot of other things to be concerned about like...
-Shrinking Budgets
-Bullies
-Drugs
-Shootings
-Stuffed Bears dressing as other animals

Heather said...

My twin and I were inseperable through school. Same classes, same friends.. until about 8th grade and then it was like.. gawd.. go look like someone else for awhile!

I think ppl should not name their twins freaky either.. I cant really comment on Amy and Annie.. We are Heather and Hilary.. But thats just my two cents.

Sizzle said...

i am not a twin but my sister and i are often mistaken for such. she's closer to me than anyone and we can finish each other's thoughts and fill in the gaps for one another. we went to all the same schools, even college and went so far as being housemates for many years. i wouldn't have wanted it any other way. she's the best little sister i could ever ask for.

and i agree, they should be ASKED. what a novel concept!

you are lucky to be so close to your sisters. :)

BadGod said...

I thinks twins are funny. Because they look alike!

Bobby said...

I get funny looks at work when I ask "Why don't we just ask them?" when we are having meetings about people. I guess it's too obvious and simple for people.

Mr Fixit.

Sis B said...

As far as funky names for twins, the most odd I ever saw was "Esther and Lester". No joke. (Sorry guys, if you see this, but you have to admit it's a little weird, really....)

Cap'n Marrrrk said...

I always wanted to be a twin, I wonder how different I would have turned out to be. Instead I was an only child with 2 siblings (don't ask).

There are twin sisters I've known all my life because our parents are friends. But oddly enough, I have never been around them long enough (not even for a couple of hours), to be able to discern how to tell them apart.

Tell us more about the Spinning Sister. Question you needn't answer, but is she an Alkie too?

JJ said...

If I have a nightmare tonight about a giant peapod opening up and a kodiak bear leaping out of it to rip me to shreds, you are getting drunk dialed, Lady MacBeth*.

On the other hand, Annie and Amy were lucky to have you as the voice of reason that maybe slowed the juggernaut of bureaucratic ineptitude for even a moment.

* Actually I loved this post and got an actual laugh out of it. And now my boss wants to know what's so funny about last quarter's financials.

Sleep Goblin said...

My mom collects Boyds, which is what that peapod bear is. I didn't bother to click on the rest of the links. I think the bears in costumes are way cuter than the bears in regular clothes. And a bear as a peapod is cooler than a stuffed peapod sitting around. I don't know why I like them though, so I'm not sure I can actually answer your question as to what's up with them...