Human Zoo, revisited

Sweet, my Human Zoo days have resurfaced again, this time at cracked.com.

The interwebs are magical!!!

Back to the Zoo

Back when I posted I'm Famous!, Madge suggested I order a back copy of the San Francisco Chronicle to keep as a souvenir. So I did. It finally arrived yesterday (now that's snail mail!). Here's the editorial page:

(click to enlarge)

Back Story:

On August 26-29 of 2005, the London Zoo presented an exhibit known as Human Zoo, in which Real! Live! Humans! were put on display in an old bear enclosure next to the reptile house. It was so ridiculous. The one good thing about HZ is that it inspired me to write 3.5 really good posts in which I pretended to be a participant. Debra Saunders, a columnist in California, read my blog and wrote about me in her column. I am so tickled by this, that I thought I'd post about it all over again. Which I just did.

Relive the Magic:

Human Zoo Prequel: I Got a New Job!

Human Zoo I: I Want My Life Back

Human Zoo II: This Place is a Zoo ... Literally

Human Zoo III: Home Sweet Home

Now I'm just waiting for Human Zoo II. If it doesn't happen in London, maybe it'll happen here in Blogland.

I'm Famous!

Seems my Human Zoo posts caught the eye of this columnist (read more about her here), who thinks I was an actual participant. That's hilarious!!! Read about my "experience" by clicking on the Human Zoo links in the Best Of Spinning Girl sidebar. Let's all laugh together! Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!

Home Sweet Home

Well, Human Zoo is over. I am enormously relieved! I did learn a few valuable lessons, however, that I'd like to share. Indulge me.

1. In any group of 3+ animals, the Pecking Order (P.O.) will be naturally established within 5 hours.
2. Running away during feats of strength is a good way to land yourself a seat at the bottom of the P.O.
3. Low-on the-P.O.-Humans get their asses spanked, often and indiscriminately.
4. Small grains of sand and small folds of skin are naturally attracted to one another.
5. The alpha male is not necessarily a Silverback; sometimes, it's the skinny smart one.
6. When women live together, their cycles sync up.
7. Group Grooming, as a social activity, feels really good.
8. Group Grooming is going to be the in thing of 2006.
9. There ain't nothin' funny about crabs.
10. It may sound trite, but there really is ... no place like home.
    
    
    

This Place is a Zoo … Literally

Day 3 at Human Zoo is drawing to a close. I thought you'd enjoy a walk through a typical day, so I kept a journal. I can't begin to list everything we've done (we are just sooo busy -- ha!), but this will at least give you the highlights. Enjoy!

10 PM-6 AM:
--Sleep at Princess & The Pea Motel ("where the beds are oh so comfeeee!" -- you know the jingle)

6:30 AM:
--Pick-up via London Zoo Transport (mini-van driven by Ahmud Halbibi)

6:45 AM
--Arrival at Zoo
--Delousing
--Change into fig leaves
--Enter enclosure

7:00 AM
--Breakfast: Bangers-n-Mash, eggs over easy, orange marmalade, rye toast with caraway seeds (the most vile seed in the world), and Starbucks Coffee (yeah!)
--Fat One guzzles his mochaccino and asks for another
--Lazy-Eyed One wanders outside and skips breakfast entirely
--Hairy Armpit Bitch eats 3 eggs only

7:30 AM
--Publicity shot:

L-R: Hairy Armpit Bitch, Spinning Girl, Sweaty One, Tired One, Fat One, Lazy-Eyed One, Eurasian Girl, and Cleft Chin (hiding)


8:00-10:00 AM
--Zoo opens for the day; morning visitors and maintenance
--Rock gets hosed down
--Humans watch Good Morning, World! on cave TV
--Cleft Chin asks Spinning Girl to rub his head while we watch TV
--Spinning Girl refuses, and flips through a copy of Maxim instead
--Eurasian Girl sidles up to Spinning Girl but then spends 15 minutes talking to Cleft Chin
--Naps for everyone
--Cleft Chin chases Eurasian Girl around enclosure
--Throw-pillow war; pecking order established
--Spinning Girl finds herself close to bottom of pecking order (I just ran away during most of the pillow fight); spends time alone; Sweaty One has aspirations of fame:


10:00 AM-11:00 AM
--Kids gawk & wave at Humans; Lazy-Eyed One begs Animal Handlers for a granola bar
--Sweaty One defecates into own hand and hurls it at spectators.
--Humans “groom” each other (I’m not clear as to why we are told to do this; aren’t we supposed to be modern humans? Anyway, it’s in the contract—so we do it); it takes two Humans to groom Fat One's greasy mop:

11:00 AM - 12:00 PM

--Middle-of-Day crowds appear
--Kids tap on one-way glass window in cave
--Spinning Girl gives kids “Human Greeting” through one-way glass (can’t see their responses, but it’s still very satisfying)
--Humans rub the lotion onto their skin, then put the lotion in the basket
--Sunbathing time
--Conjugal visits from loved ones (Thank you, BOBI, for arranging it!)

12:00 PM
--Dinner is served: Duck breast with a blackberry brandy reduction, wild rice pilaf, and summer squash

12:45 PM-2:00 PM
--Cleft Chin and Eurasian Girl spend some “alone time” in the cave
--Spinning Girl plays 1-person ping-pong against outside wall of cave
--Lazy-Eyed One and Tired One give each other mani-pedis
--Sweaty One reads Gray’s Anatomy
--Hairy Armpit Bitch talks to two Animal Handlers by the entrance

2:00 PM – 4:00 PM
--Field trip from local summer camp (55 wide-eyed kids, all wearing lapiz blue shirts that say Leaves of Grass Summer Camp on them)
--Humans pose and pretend to frolic while Zoo staff discuss our habits, diet, and daily lives
--Fat One bites Cleft Chin on leg; Spinning Girl hides in a bush
--Fat One proclaims himself “alpha male” and calls all females to him from highest point in enclosure
--Females ignore Fat One and ask Sweaty One to tell us all about the Plantar Fascia
--Lazy-Eyed One picks leaves out of Spinning Girl’s hair

4:00 PM
--High Tea!

5:00-6:30 PM
--Evening Games: Hula hoop, staring contest, Whatever On Earth Might I Have in my Mouth?, Truth or Dare, Spin the Rock
--Oprah

--Tired One chokes on a twig; Sweaty One administers Heimlich Maneuver

6:30 PM
--Supper is served:
Choice of roast lamb, ham, or flounder
Grilled asparagus
Creamed spinach
Potatoes au gratin
Ale or mineral water

7:30 PM
--Ukrainian Idol or The Office
--Movie Night (Monty Python)
--Spinning Girl works on lesson plans in the corner with her new helper, Lazy-Eyed One
--Return to Motel


As you may have surmised, we are really learning what it is like to be an animal. I'm a little worried about becoming institutionalized. Thank goodness it's just one more day and then I will have my life back!

I Want My Life Back

OK, The new job sucks. Good thing it's only for four days. I can't believe that some idiot came up with this idea; all over the news (we have a TV set in the cave), they're promoting it like this great, ground-breaking idea. Nobody is saying the obvious thing. It's like the elephant in the living room (or the drunk uncle at the Christmas party). Nobody is willing to say: This may have been a stupid idea.

I thought it was going to be this amazing experience of what it was really like for humans to rough it, but noooooo.

Here's why life at Human Zoo sucks:

1. They bring us all this catered food, but we have to eat it off of the rock where Sweaty One sat all day. Yes, his ass-print is my placemat.
2. The only toys are 2 hula hoops and ping pong (with just 1 paddle and 2 balls--whu?)
3. Fat One has a hairy back & stands around all day drinking Starbucks (yes, we have it brought in--oooh, roughing it!), with one hand down his fig leaf.
4. Chin Cleft keeps trying to put one hand down my fig leaf.
5. Hairy Armpit Bitch always takes the best cuts of meat, because "she's on Atkins". F*** you, HAB!
6. When it rained, we had to quickly set up this lame-ass tarp (only room for 3 in the cave), and Lazy-Eyed One has apparently never been camping (she's from Glasgow) and lacks the skills for building adequate shelter.
7. We were half soaked by the time we got the tarp up, and then there was only room for (x-1) people to stand under it, x being the whole group. We set up this ridiculous rotation where one person switched out to stand in the rain every 5 minutes. Within one hour the whole group was drenched and shivering under the stinky tarp.
8. The fig leaf isn't even real, it has a tag. Also, it chafes in the worst way. And they are unisex, so mine has a gap in the front; if I sit just so, everyone can see my amenities.
9. All 5 of the American humans keep fighting for the remote, because they want to watch summer reruns of the U.S. version of The Office (sub-par imitation that it is); the European ones want to watch Ukrainian Idol.
10. I miss my friends.

The only perks to this are that I get to sleep in a hotel at night (there's hay in the cave, but insurance won't allow us to sleep at the zoo; our enclosure is right next to the Reptile House), and that I have a tiny bit of a flirtation going on with Eurasian Girl. It's disconcerting (I'm straight, I think), but you never know what could happen when people are out of their natural element.

3 more days!!!