Showing posts with label know thyself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label know thyself. Show all posts

July 18, 2015

Meditation a la Mode

I am just sitting here, eating some ice cream and thinking deep thoughts. To wit:


  • A very small spider has taken up residence in the corner of my office. It is a S.A.S. (spider of acceptable size), so I will leave it alone. I hope it doesn’t decide to walk across my lips in the night.
  • When my twin sister and I were 5, we went to a birthday party that included a trip to the movies to see “Snoopy Come Home”. There’s a part where the Peanuts kids are singing, “Snooooopy, Snoooooopy, oh won’t you come home, come home, come home?” It is so sad. It tears you up inside. We started to bawl; we were inconsolable. Our mother had to come get us.
  • We were always that way, getting each other worked up. We’d lie awake at night in our shared bedroom saying things to each other like, “wait … what if mom and dad …die?!?!?! Waaaah!” and then we’d barge in on my parents for comfort after working each other up into a red-alert fit.
  • The Honda Element is butt ugly. I actually threw up a little in my mouth when one passed me today.
  • When I was six, I threw a giant rock into Lake Huron. Well, I threw it towards Lake Huron. At the precise moment it reached her area, my younger sister stood up and the rock ended its trajectory on the back of her 2-year-old skull. Twin sister & I stifled her screams because we didn’t want to get in trouble. Don’t worry, she was fine and later we told our mother (when we were 17).
  • I just can’t wear a do-rag the way I did back then, young & carefree in Key West.

  • I really, really miss Jim Henson. Viscerally. Deep in my belly. I love The Dark Crystal! I love when Kira is calling for those stilt-walker things and she yells, “kama leyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” I love when Aughra sniffs Jem and says, “Looks like a gelfling. Smells like a gelfling. Maybe you are a gelfling!!” I love the whole surreal, slow, mystical quality of it.

  • And did anyone else have a pleasant, albeit disturbing, semi-erotic response to the dog-dragon thing in Never-Ending Story? He’s this giant, strong, undulating, furry beast. How could I not feel a tingle?




    • Somebody I know, after reading my comment about waking up in the dead of night with fears, shared the following: For years I used to wake up and check to make sure my breasts and vagina were still there. I had heard that people changed gender, and I thought it happened spontaneously. Just wanted to make sure everything was intact (She finally stopped a few years ago, when she turned 45).

  • I think I might have actually failed Organic Chemistry II, but the professor gave me a mercy D- because I used to go to his office hours every single day. For extra help, you sickies!
  • I got a 7% on my Calculus IV final exam. That's zero-seven. I was done in 23 minutes & spent the next hour and a half drawing bunnies all over my test. I was on Dean’s List every semester except the one after that calculus class (and organic); that semester I was on Academic Probation.
  • I did an independent study in Chemistry that consisted mostly of going out to lunch for Rocks & Wings with my professor. And trying to fix the mass spectrophotometer, which we never managed to do. And learning to shoot a revolver (picture later—in I Might be White Trash VI).
  • I saw somebody I knew at the grocery store today and I ran & hid behind the organic dairy display until she passed. I just wasn’t in the mood.
  • There’s a mentally challenged man who works in the cafeteria at my work, and every time he sees me he asks me the same exact question. I don’t know whether to be annoyed or compassionate. Aren’t I allowed to be annoyed by people, even though they are retarded? Dude, I answered you the first 54 times!!! I hate that I feel guilty for thinking “please shut up” every day, in my mind, at him.
  • I don’t really like Halloween that much. I plan to go out & leave my house dark. Yeah, it’ll be an egg magnet, but at least I won’t have to rummage through my pantry & give the kids canned goods when I run out of candy, like I did last year.
  • November 06, 2010

    Custom dictionaries are a window to the soul.



    I just happened to open my Outlook custom dictionary (all the words that I have told Outlook to ignore as spelling errors in my emails) ... reading it provides a snapshot of my life.  What do these words tell you??? See here:


    Acromegaly
    AmEx
    Annaeus
    Anyhoo
    Arwen
    Augusten
    Authorized
    Aveda
    aerobed
    ain't
    argh
    arse
    arugula
    asanas
    BadGod
    Beurre
    Blogland
    Blograma
    Brightons
    Broadwing
    Buteo
    babycakes
    babydom
    bachelorette
    bitchin'
    bleah
    blog
    blogged
    blogger
    blogger's
    bloggers
    blogging
    blogland
    blogs
    blogspot
    bridezilla
    bruschetta
    Calzone
    Carmina
    Celine
    Chai
    Chocopologie
    Cialis
    Cinco
    Cingular
    Classwork
    Clinique
    Coulis
    Crabcake
    Creamsicle
    Customer
    capella
    chai
    chimenea
    chimichurri
    chrissake
    codon
    codons
    concealer
    copaxone
    crabcake
    cunny
    cybersex
    Denethor
    Dep
    Detangler
    Dion
    depuffer
    Eesti
    Eomer
    Ernesaks
    Ernesaks's
    Esto
    Estos
    effing
    elvish
    ema
    eVite
    evite
    exfoliant
    eyeshadow
    eyeshadows
    eyesicles
    Fabulosity
    Faramir
    Foodies
    Fungoid
    fabu
    facebook
    fam
    fave
    faves
    foodie
    from
    fucktards
    fyi
    Google
    Googled
    girlypals
    glammed
    globalized
    gonna
    google
    gyno
    Hawkwatch
    HNT
    HNT's
    Hoisin
    HP
    hairband
    hallowe'en
    hee
    hiney
    hoisin
    hoo
    hottie
    idk
    iPod
    isa
    iTunes
    Jamwall
    Jebus
    Jiggs
    Juku
    ja
    jamaicensis
    jamwall
    jiggly
    K'NEX
    Kalli
    Kaplansky
    Kaya
    Keli
    kalli
    kegel
    kinda
    Levitra
    Limoges
    Limoncello
    LiveUpdate
    Lyme
    loofah
    lovah
    luv
    Monadnock
    MySpace
    Mythbusters
    majorly
    mani
    marykay
    mattifier
    microderm
    microdermabrasion
    mk
    motherfucking
    NaBloPoMo
    Nauset
    Neti
    Newtons
    nitty
    noonish
    notecards
    OCD
    Ogontz
    Osgiliath
    officiant
    omg
    orcs
    Panera
    PayPal
    PeaPod
    Percocet
    Pigpile
    Poconos
    Purgatorian
    paraben
    parabens
    pdf
    pedi
    pertussis
    perv
    pic
    pics
    piercings
    piggie
    pigpile
    placecards
    poo
    ps
    Remoulade
    Rohan
    Russification
    revitalizer
    ringbearer
    rosacea
    Sagan
    Sagan's
    Seussical
    Silvermine
    Soylent
    SpEd
    Spinnerina
    shabang
    sherpa
    sitemeters
    skank
    skanky
    slutty
    snopes
    snowday
    soonish
    soundscape
    spritz
    spritzer
    starbucks
    sumbitch
    TeacherWeb
    Tere
    TimeWise
    Timewise
    Tolkien
    Tolkien's
    Tori
    Trisomy
    Tuyet
    Tysabri
    tbdoa
    tere
    texting
    thine
    titties
    toked
    ttys
    turd
    UConn
    ummm
    undies
    Vivaldi
    vajayjay
    veg
    venti
    vocab
    Waah
    Wait'll
    Westy
    Whatcha
    Wii
    Wikipedia
    Willcocks
    waah
    webcam
    wedgie
    whorebag
    whup
    xoxo
    xoxoxo
    Yay
    YouTube
    ya
    yay
    Zadok


    I am seeing some definite themes here.  Some of the themes are:

    ESTONIAN (hello, mother, father)
    BLOGGING
    SEX
    COFFEE
    FINE FOODS
    TEACHING
    SKIN CARE
    KINK
    ART
    MUSIC
    JAMWALL
    TOLKIEN
    PEOPLE SUCK
    BIRDS OF PREY
    SELF-PAMPERING

    What themes do you see?

    What does your custom dictionary tell about YOU?

    April 30, 2008

    .. but we knew that, eh?

    After somebody told me they had a dream about getting his aura repaired, I decided I needed some help from Blogthings. It always comes through as a tool of divination for me... it is a miracle!!!


    Your Aura is Green

    You're very driven, competitive, and even a bit jealous. You are fierce in your judgment, yet forgiving of many different viewpoints. You are strongly opinionated. You work hard, then nap for long periods. But why the hell can't you get those papers graded? The kids turned those in like 2 weeks ago!
    Generally, you seek out balance in your life - and you usually achieve it by combining your great loves (music, art, writing, spankings, and cleaning the gutters) into one delicious montage.
    The purpose of your life: inspiring others to be better. This is achieved by pointing out flaws in a loving way and by praising small accomplishments. Also, threats and bribery.

    Famous greens include: Tony Robbins, Donald Trump, Kermit the Frog, and Martha Stewart.

    Careers for you to try: Guru, CEO, Talk Show Host, French Maid, Ice Cream Truck Driver, Puppet.




    February 16, 2008

    I am vacationing , so please take my quizzes.

    If you have not already done so, you should take these quizzes to see how well you think you know me. If you already took them, it may be time for a refresher course:


  • Quiz #1: Take a Spin



  • Quiz #2: Another Spin



  • Quiz #3: A Spunful of Sugar
  • January 12, 2008

    What it means to be a Benevolent Architect:




    Your preference for concrete, visually pleasing things, combined with your confidence and your respect for order make you an ARCHITECT.

    You are logical and detail-oriented, which allows you to get things done efficiently.
    This doesn't explain why I buzz ineffectively in circles every time I am faced with a Saturday and 5 different tasks I could be doing.

    You are quite sure of yourself, so that you tend to know the best ways of doing things.
    And sometimes I just curl up into a little ball and hope I can get to tomorrow.

    Your eye for aesthetic beauty and style indicates that you know a lot about design.
    Some of my furniture is made of pressboard and fake-wood veneer.

    Having a routine and sticking to it is important to you; you find comfort in tradition and familiarity. I floss every day, and my bedtime is about 10:45 every night.

    Self-reliance is something in which you take great pride—you are confident and down to earth.
    I do all my own shopping and errands; of course, who else would do it?

    You have a basic faith in yourself in many areas of your life, allowing you to be self-assured when facing challenges. I love and approve of myself. I love and approve of myself. I love and approve of myself.

    You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options. People annoy me.

    You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute. True.

    You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style. I have two basic uniforms. Day uniform: Black pants, black turtleneck or tank top, and colored overshirt. Eveningwear uniform: PJ pants and tank top.

    Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you. Except for when the neighbor's dog shots on the lawn. I didn't ask for that.

    ...................................................

    You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT.

    You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself. Except at a certain point, everybody just needs to go home.

    Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment. It's OK to be a jerk if you were abused as a child. You just need a little love. Now c'mere and nestle in my bosom!

    You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice. What? Oh, just do whatever.

    You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met. Maybe. In theory, perhaps.

    Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others. My way or the highway.

    Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes. Just be quiet and do as I say.

    Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.
    Now quit cryin' about it! Suck it up and deal!!!

    August 07, 2007

    The Alphabet Meme

    This is a repost (originally posted in July 2006). I like it.

    I borrowed this idea from my secret lovah, but I also changed it rather drastically because some of the terms restricted me too much. Like my breasts, my ideas need to be free to bounce. Maybe this meme will spread across the internets and I will be famous!!!

    I doubt.

    But here it is, in all its glory!

    A
    Always:
    Trying to live my best life, my most authentic and honest life.
    Average: In most ways, except for intelligence and beauty, wittiness, talent, and charm. Otherwise, I'm in the 50th percentile.
    Annoyance: People who walk around with their wireless headsets on. Especially if they are talking into them. Today, on my errands, I became one of those people. I hate myself.
    Age: Physical -- 37. Mental -- I'll forever be 17.

    B
    Best Friends:
    My sisters, San-San, and Elle. Fabulous girls who bring out the best in me.
    Beer: Never again.
    Birthday: 11.5
    Boast: I can play the
    Bumblebee Tuna Song on the harmonica; I taught myself.

    C
    Crush:
    My favorite song by Dave Matthews. Also, Johnny Depp. Also,
    Jamwall and Jiggs, the bread in my SG-n-cheese sandwich.
    Car: Noisy, necessary.
    Candy: Not a fan. Cheesecake? Yes.
    Cry: When I need to, usually into my pillow.

    D
    Days:
    Spent out of doors remind me that I am alive.
    Dream: Of swimming underwater, breathing. Of flying, low to the ground, after a running start. Then crashing into a shrub.
    Dare: To cross Long Island Sound in a 6' rowboat; to jump from a 40' cliff into the Ligurian Sea. To travel for weeks at a time. To fly in a hot air balloon. To go on safari. To live in Australia. One of those I will never do, and all of them I will tell my mom about long after they happened.
    Drug: Of choice --- cheddar. Drugs are bad! Listen to Nancy Reagan! Never was into powders, pills & plants smoked or otherwise imbibed. Alcohol? Ask me later and I'll tell you the story again.

    E
    Easy:
    To see the positive in almost any situation.
    Eggs: every day, almost. Hard boiled, on toast. No, scrambled. Oooh, with cheese & tomato.
    Email: constant.
    Envy: A sprite with short blond hair and a boyish body. Why is that?

    F
    Flavors:
    fresh herbs, good balsamic vinegar, sea salt.
    Favorites: at the moment ... toast with jam and James Blunt. My kayak. My black sandals. Spray tan.
    Flaws: Temper, venom, pride.
    Finicky: about seeds. No caraway, please. Flax? Too slippery. Poppy? Maybe. Sesame!

    G
    Grateful:
    To be fully & wholly alive.
    Gifts: Music, humor, the written word.
    Gum: Orbit. Trident. Altoid peppermint.
    Gross: The squished mouse on the road, the drowned earthworm on the asphalt. Bear smell. Dog shit.

    H
    Hair:
    I should shave it off to curb my own vanity. As if I could. It is a glorious mane.
    Height: I see all your house-dust, above the places where you could reach. Also your dandruff and down your neckline to your nipples, even meaning not to.
    Happiest: Near water.
    Hate: Do I hate anything? Caraway seeds, but we covered that. I hate being lied to and being ignored.

    I
    Ice Cream:
    Ben & Jerry's Mint Oreo, or whatever you are serving at the moment. Except bubblegum. Ew.

    Instrument:
    Piano. Guitar. Voice. Mind.
    Idols: Barbara Kingsolver. Carl Sagan. Stephen King.
    Independence: Does not come easily. Value the work that went into it.

    J
    Jewelry:
    Silver mostly. Almost never a watch. Dragonfly necklace.
    Jail: A great place to meet guys. A fun place to learn how to take what you're dealt. In my opinion, you've made some really big mistakes if you end up incarcerated. Easy for me to judge, living on this side of the law & my good luck.
    Jenga: I really hate this game.
    Jammies: 24-7. Unless I need to go out.

    K
    Kids:
    Are really cute until they are about 9.
    Karaoke: Is for drunk people & people who can actually sing.
    Kicks: Soccer, rugby, climbing, swimming
    Kiss: Would be nice.

    L
    Longest ...:
    Night of my life --- lost in the woods in Ontario, sleeping on a granite rock, in the pouring rain.
    Love: What else is there?
    Life: Just this one time around. Don't f*** it up.
    Lost: Something important that I thought was dispensable, at the time.

    M
    Milk:
    Icy cold, with hot fresh brownies. 2%.
    Miss: Noun: My title at work ("Miss G"); verb: a daily emotion. Miss my cat, my childhood, my old house, my grandfather, my old boyfriend, my old room, a certain tree, the way the sky looked that one day.
    Movies: Not as fun as they used to be because most people are assholes.
    Memory: The fox that ran across the road and pounced high into the air then straight down, both paws on a mouse.

    N
    Nails:
    Short as I can stand them
    No: To skydiving. I don't care if I should do it once. I will never do it. What? I'm a wuss? Fine. A wuss who loves & respects the inevitability of gravity. See how I lie on my belly and kiss the ground. Ooooh, sweet gravity. Come here & lay a big dirt smooch on me.
    Name: Muthana
    Never: To hang-gliding either. See above.

    O
    Ordinary:
    My expectations regarding most things.
    One: The number of times I will let you hurt my feelings.
    Office: The best show on TV.
    Only: A word that helps me to expect less and to be patient.

    P
    Pet Peeves:
    Huge gums. Snapping gum. Cracking knuckles. Tailgaters.
    Primal urge: to break something so utterly that it can never be repaired.
    Personality: so much more important than anything else.
    Pain: An everyday reality.

    Q
    Quick:
    to laugh, to judge, to respond, to change my mind, to smile, to think of an alternative
    Quirk: I suck rocks for the salty taste.
    Qualms: About staying put. About changing.
    Quest: To leave a thumbprint on your life.

    R
    Reason to ...:
    forgive. That we're all just doing the best we can.
    Reality TV: The bane of intelligence, and my secret pleasure. Yes, I watched every single episode of Temptation Island.
    Rage: A blinding red streak that I have not seen in a very long time.
    Regret: Why does this one always come up? Just one, I said.

    S
    Song:
    My body sings my soul.
    Season: Autumn's first crisp chill.
    Shoes: Bare toes, painted watermelon.
    Silly: The child in us.

    T
    Time:
    Don't bring work home so that your time at home is your own.
    Ticklish: Trained myself not to be ticklish on the bottoms of my feet because I used to lie on my stomach and read with my feet in the air; my dad would tickle them when he went by, and I liked that he did that. I didn't want to flinch.
    Taste: Very Pottery Barn, very Pier 1. Also, I love
    toile, but don't have much in my house.
    Torment: Sleeplessness. Looking at the clock, knowing I have to work in 4 .. 3 ... 2 hours.

    U
    Undress:
    The minute I get home from work, and put on my PJ pants and tank top.
    Unpredictable: Most things strike me as funny, and I laugh at the wrong time.
    Unfortunate: I got the job and
    you didn't. Doesn't mean you have to be mad at me.
    Unforgettable: It started to drizzle as we walked through the rhododendrons, and you reached back through the leaves for my hand.

    V
    Vegetables:
    Anything but okra.
    Virgin: Olive Oil

    Vacation:
    Tuscany
    Voice: Alto

    W
    Worst Habit:
    Sleeping too long; soaking dishes instead of just washing them already
    Wish: World peace, of course. Are we almost there?
    Waste: I don't like to throw things out, so I give them away.
    Wander: Paralyzing fear of getting lost as I drive in the car. To desensitize myself I drive and get lost on purpose, then find my way out. I don't think it has helped much.

    X
    X-Rated:
    Porn is gross.
    X-Rays: It freaks me out that you can see people's bones, and a
    nail in their head.
    X-Men: Still waiting for the first one to get here from Blockbuster.com so that I can watch 2 and 3 and see what all the hype is about.
    X-marks the spot: I hide dollars from myself in the pockets of my winter clothes, to find later.

    Y
    Year born:
    1968
    Yes: to cheese.
    Yellow: and orange, two colors I don't wear.
    Yearn: secret words whispered into my hair at sunset

    Z
    Zoo Animal:
    Tiger
    Zodiac: Scorpio. Ain't it obvious?!?
    Zealous: about Mozart. If you love him too, then you understand.
    Zzzz: My bed is the best place in the world.

    June 08, 2007

    Repost: Dave Barry, Kindred Spirit

    According to a Blogthings quiz, my Famous Blogging Twin is Dave Barry.
    ... Which is perfect, because I am a huge Dave Barry fan.
    I even have his page-a-day calendar (a tried & true test of fan loyalty!) and a personal, handwritten postcard from him on my fridge.

    See?

    I sent him my
    Country Music Song Titles, and he sent me a postcard!
    In my book, that's as good as published!

    Hmmm...

    While we're looking at my fridge,
    let's take a little tour, shall we?

    I'm getting a playful, juvenile, introspective,
    zen vibe from all this stuff.

    I wonder what my shrink would think.

    It's true ... a woman does like the smell of a horse on a man.


    Memorial Day cartoon about a visit to the

    Vietnam Monument in DC. Very nice.


    A few postcards...


    ... some Thoreau, and wait, what is that I spy?
    I see a David head peeking from beneath?

    Let's see what that is...


    ...


    ... heh heh ...


    I went to Italy, remember? It's art !


    Apropos.

    Fighting off life's demons while maintaining fabulous hair! That's me!


    Then we have sort of a
    Robert Frost-Chinese fortune cookie-Curious George-
    baby's foot stamped onto music paper-insipration-montage.

    Cheer & spirituality each time I go for a snack!


    Nearby, a random assortment of childishness...
    Granted, these are on the side of the fridge, not the front.
    I just can't bear to dispose of these old bits of memorabilia.
    And who doesn't enjoy a joke about
    lutefisk?



    and who hasn't felt a sin coming on?



    Ah yes. Now, here we have a special item.
    A souvenir from when I met the legendary
    Caroll Spinney
    (the real BB--also does Oscar the Grouch!)

    Whew, all this psychoanalysis and reminiscing has given me a hankering for a snack.

    Yum, Greek Yogurt.
    Or maybe some of that veggie mess in the Tupp behind it.
    Or no...
    miso?
    Oh, here we go ... I found just what I wanted.


    Yep, I am officially in for the night.

    May 03, 2007

    Virtual DNA

    Brooke did this, and since I am her secret lover,
    I borrowed it while she was in the shower.






    It's fun! try it and see.


    March 16, 2007

    Friday Feast

    (push the button)

    Feast One Hundred & Thirty Five

    Appetizer
    Name two things that made you smile this week.

    The beautiful view of Long Island Sound (see picture in previous post).
    The fact that Paula Abdul is completely faded all the time.


    Soup
    Fill in the blank: Don't you hate it when ________?

    You have to pee so badly, but you can't get your pants undone quickly enough, and you already start unbuttoning as you enter the bathroom, before you are even in the stall, and it's like your bladder knows you're almost there so it starts the delivery process, but you are still unbuttoning, so you are doing the little dance and holding your legs in an "X" and maybe grabbing your crotch, a little bit, like a 4-year old ... and then a colleague walks into the bathroom?

    I love that.

    Salad
    When you can't go to sleep, what is your personal remedy to help yourself drift into Lullabyland?

    I think about what death will be like, and wonder if I can pay all my bills this month, and worry about whether that kid who has been such a jerk all week is going to be good for the sub tomorrow. That usually knocks me right out.

    Really, I drink a cup of Sleepytime and read a soothing escape book, like Lord of the Rings.

    Main Course
    What is something about which you've always wondered but have not yet found a good answer?

    I wonder at what point in evolution biological molecules began to spontaneously make copies of themselves.

    Dessert
    What is your favorite pasta dish?

    Lasagna! No, wait ... baked ziti with meatballs. No, fettucine with shrimp and asparagus. Tuna noodle casserole, maybe. Portobello Tortellini with olive oil and crushed salt. Umm ... yeah, lasagna.

    March 15, 2007

    HNT Rehash: A Far Green Country


    I dream in color.

    & this week, the dreams are Irish.



    Click on the button below to get the scoop and join the best club in Blogland.

    HNT_1

    To see my past HNT entries, visit the Half-Nekkid Thursday section of my sidebar.
    Or click the HNT label below this post!

    March 05, 2007

    Meditations on a Fleeting Streak of Green (a.k.a. Reposting is in fashion)

    I would love to see the Green Flash. Is that too big a request, sir? Hmm? Just once would be nice. One blink of emerald light to last a lifetime.

    Is there anything lovelier than the chalk hopscotch scrawled on the sidewalk in front of the pizza place? Who plays hopscotch anymore? Somebody does, apparently … I love knowing that.

    What is up with all the
    kids in wheelchairs in textbooks? I know it’s politically correct and all, but I counted 6 kids in wheelchairs in a textbook with 37 kids pictured. That’s like … a lot%!!!! In a school of our size (1100 kids), that would mean 178.4 kids in chairs. Come on now; let’s be a little more representative of the true population, people. And who wants to see 2/5 of a kid rolling around the halls? Not me. (I’ll explain the math later – shoot me an email and I’ll lay it out in color blocks for ya)

    My friend B and I were talking about the childhood truths that come out in blogging, and then she shared that she used to make her boy doll and her girl doll hump. That would be OK I guess, if they weren’t
    Donny and Marie. Even though you know those two totally rode the pony. At least once.

    I don’t really like the Beatles. I never have liked them. I know -- horrible. I have never admitted it before. Now please just punch my ticket so that I can go directly to hell.

    My dad is so funny. And so very silly. He never says "bird". He always says "boid". He even went so far as to re-label the buckets of sunflower seeds for the birdfeeder. See? He also says, "when did you first loin of pork?" every time we eat pork loin. I scream every time, but I would miss it if he didn't say it, and wonder what was wrong.

    On second thought ... there is no hell. Except the one we make for ourselves. Ditto heaven. This is what I think. Won’t I be surprised when I find out I was so so so wrong.

    I think the line “driving the skin bus to tuna town” is one of the funniest euphemisms for sex that I have heard. Likewise, “laying cable” for pooping. Think you can do better?

    I made up new words to the Nelly Furtado song “I’m Like a Bird”, and it went like this: “I’m like a turd, I’ll only float away-ayyyy … I don’t know where my home is … I don’t know where my bowl is …” I thought it was the funniest thing ever.

    It may seem from this post that I love toilet humor, but generally I think that it is juvenile and I act very holier-than-thou when people break out their poop jokes in front of me.

    Oh, and WTF
    ?!?!? This just makes me angry. Ignorant assholes.

    I decided it's childish and teen-like to have a
    crush on Johnny (that'll be Mr. Depp to you) so I have matured. It's all about Matthew MacFadyen now.
    Is it me, or does Paula Abdul clap her hands like a goddam seal? I think she is a seal; I found photo evidence. [ps, It's sea lions that clap. not seals, but the word seal is just much funnier]

    I sing in the car, but never the melody. I harmonize with every song that comes on. Such is the plight of the alto.

    Every week I think, Oh …. I hope I make it to Friday. If I can just make it to 3 pm, I will be fine. Why do I think I won’t make it? Just what do I think is going to happen? I don’t know. I just need to hang in there, is all. Just keep hangin’ in there.

    March 02, 2007

    Friday's Feast

    This new weekly feature will last for as long as I can stand myself. (Ooops! Game over! Just kidding. Please indulge me. You can play too, go here to find out more!)

    Bon apetit!

    Appetizer
    What does the color pink make you think of?
    Pigs, rolling in peeps, wearing hot pants.

    Soup
    Name something you thought you had lost, but later found.
    I'm still hunting for the hoodie sweatshirt my grandmother gave me, which I wore once and then lost at school. When I find it, I will update this post (it was 1976)

    Salad
    In 3 words, describe this past week.
    Short, snowy, stiff

    Main Course
    What are you obsessed with?
    TBDOA, Johnny Depp, Jamwall, and Edy's Grand Apple Pie Ice Cream.

    Dessert
    What kind of perfume or cologne do you like to wear?
    Lolita Lempicka. And I'm out of it! Let's go, people!

    March 01, 2007

    A little something caught in my teeth.

    I was flossing this morning, and I came across this:

    twolf1920 has left a new comment on your post Keep those questions comin': Might be too late, but here goes! Whats the most EMBARRASSING thing that ever happened to you? If you tell me YOURS, I will tell you MINE!

    Sorry twolf, I hope you didn't feel too left out of the blogsnuggle. Here is my reply:

    I have two related embarrasing tales, both of which involve underwear.

    Embarrassing Tale #1 (grade three): Amy Campbell untied my wrap-around skirt so that when I stood up to return my tray, my skirt fell down and the whole cafeteria saw my little briefs with the assortment of colored mushrooms all over them (what in the seven levels of Hell were those all about?!?). At least, I always blamed her; but I was never really sure whether she did it, or if it just came untied on its own. Fuck you anyway, Amy Campbell!

    Embarrassing Tale #2 (circa 1998): I was teaching high school and sharing a room with a woman who was in charge of the Senior Homecoming Float. Hence I thought nothing of it when I saw a scrap of fabric lying in the middle of the floor. After the students had gone, I picked it up and discovered, holy shit, this is underwear. Holy everliving fuck, this is my underwear! I had a pair of panties stuck inside my pants leg from a previous wearing, that had worked their way out onto the floor of my classroom of sophomores. To this day I wonder at what point they were hanging, hermit-crab-like, half in/half out of my pants leg. Fuck you again, Amy Campbell!! Fuck you foreverrrrrrr!!!!

    February 27, 2007

    The Down & Dirty Blog Frolic (III): Between a Rock & a Hard Roll

    A few posts back I implored the blog community to supply me with questions so that I would have something to post. And they delivered like Domino's! Here then is my attempt to do right by you all:


    Edge said...
    Best sex you ever had and what made it so steamy?
    Naughty boy!!! Since my entire family and my co-workers read this blog, I will put my answer in Arabic. You can go to Google Translator to find out what I said.

    وما رأيت ان ابدأ اود ان افيدكم عن أي جنس مشبع بالبخار الاطلاق؟ وهي كثافه الخاصة وتجربة خاصة انني لن اشارك احدا فقط! لكن ، فقط لانك لن ترضى ، وهنا بعض الكلمات الرئيسية : الصبي ، عاريا وحمام البخار والوصابي والشرطة السجن مرة البنت الاطراف والايدي ، والترحيل. ان كفى لك؟

    the psycho therapist said...

    Where is he? In my heart and soul, every minute of every day. Wait ... what? Who did you think I was talking about?

    Why do you need "constant validation" and attention? What are you, some kind of psycho therapist? Since you are new around here, I will allow a certain amount of play in this piece of twine, but not too much! You should know better than to press me on anything I have said; I will only lie to sidestep the discomfort. If you were to examine my Johari and Nohari windows, you would discover that I am a complex, alluring, and immature beast. Now, to answer your question! I need constant validation and attention because I am, at heart, an actress; you, my audience. The classroom, the blogosphere, the family dinner table, the grocery checkout line, the daily path I tread ... is my stage. What of it?


    What has to happen inside of your mind before you'll swallow a man's [soul]? If you knew me better, you'd know that the [word] you used is one of my least favorite words in the vast lexicon of human mating behavior. I did say I'd answer any question, though, so I'll answer my [edit] instead: Before I even consider taking a bite of anything, I read the nutritional label. However, once I commit to opening the package, I eat 'til it's empty.


    Do you prefer the finger or the tongue? As a pianist, I much prefer the finger. I tried to play Flight of the Bumblebee with my tongue once, and landed myself in the hospital. Not cool!


    When will Axis II Personality Disordered individuals have their own reality show and who will kill first? I had to look up this terminology, and once I did, I realized that it is already happening, and it is only a matter of time. They are biding their time.


    Diedre said...
    Have you ever been to Estonia?
    Indeed! I went in 1999 with my two sisters, for the Song Festival.



    I'll post about it someday. It was quite extraordinary to be surrounded by people speaking my language, and actually took some getting used to. It's a beautiful country and I recommend you visit!


    jb3ll3 said...
    How does a thermos really know? How do keep hot things hot and cold things cold? How does it really know? Silly girl! Everybody know that within the depths of every Thermos lives a tiny little Eskimo family:

    When your food starts to get too warm, the Eskimo mother chips out an ice block and puts your food on it. If your food needs to stay warm, the Eskimo father goes out and clubs a seal, skins it, wraps your food in the fur, and makes a tallow-candle out of the blubber to warm your vittles by. Duh!

    Marisa said...
    Should I or shouldn't I? Ahh, if we could only be sure ahead of time! There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity. [General Douglas MacArthur]


    Freewheel said...
    Which bloggers have you met in person? After you met them, did they seem like the person you imagined when you read their blog? I spent a weekend with Monkey, and he was much more fussy and indignant than I ever had imagined. To make up for that, he was infinitely more cuddly and lovable. And what a diva! Read all about it starting here.



    Kat said...
    I believe a lot of your kids look to you as THAT teacher. What teacher was your biggest inspiration and why? Besides my parents and grandparents, who were the most influential teachers I had, I believe that my high school science and Spanish teachers had the biggest impact on me; I suspect it was their humor and their own love of learning that impacted me the most.


    jamwall said...
    if I tell you that you have a nice bottle of wesson cooking oil ... will you rub it against me? I no longer have welts. If you had been paying attention when I told you, the Wesson is all gone. I have about 1/4 cup of jalapeño-flavored corn oil left, and a giant rubber spatula! Start running! I'll give you a head start.


    miss kendra said...
    do you miss me, even thought we've never met? I crave your sequin-swaddled self every tick tick tick of the clock.

    sometimes I'm so happy that the internet allowed me to meet you (and others) and then other times i resent that i have friends who are so far away. do you agree? Very much so. It's an odd and endearing community, and I think of you as friends. Friends as dear as any. And I have the presents to prove it!

    salty, sweet, spicy, savory? I like a greasy mishmash of all of the above.


    MsLittlePea said...
    Can you disco dance?
    Does an ant have teeth?
    Do you know how to make pies? Yes! I have made at least two floorpies, and also pumpkin.
    Do you love your neighbor as yourself? Not quite, but I did give him a jump-start today.
    Do you love cupcakes? Yes, and do you want my address?
    Have you ever went and ate worms when you felt unloved? No, but when I was 6, I discovered that some rocks taste salty. I used to walk around with a fistful of small pebbles in my mouth, just for the taste. I had my own personal salt lick; I used to store them under my bed and then re-suck them on the sly, whenever I had the opportunity. Then one day, I choked on one. After my dad saved my life, he thrashed me for having rocks in my mouth and I told him I didn’t know why I did it, I just wanted to see what they might taste like this one time. My twin sister, ever vigilant, sang like a bird: “Nuh-uh, she’s lying; she does it all the time! She has a huge pile of them under the bed!”

    Bill said...
    Why are you making me think when it's after midnight?
    Because, like all writers, you need to be pushed to avoid fading into mediocrity.
    If life's for living, what's living for? (That's a line stolen from a Kinks song.) Living is for giving ... and forgiving.

    I'm going to redo my kitchen, so - what colour? My blog colors (that's American for colours), or else pale yellow and periwinkle, or baby blue and brown (very hip and very now). Whatever color you like, go here to find colors that [surprisingly] work well together. Happy painting!


    yournamehere said...
    When you eventually marry me, can we have red velvet cake instead of boring old white cake? I would absolutely have a red velvet cake, as long as it wasn't shaped as an armadillo. As for you & me, this will only work out if you are OK with matriarchal polygamy, or with being my pool boy, 'cause I gots me a boy toy I ain't partin' with.

    Übermilf said...
    How many doughnuts are too many?
    What do you mean?
    Also, of COURSE you love cupcakes! Yes, and do you want my address?
    And, if you and Kendra want to meet somewhat halfway, you can both come to my house for tea. I couldn't imagine meeting one of you without the other.

    Tits McGee said...
    Why have so many people recently arrived at my blog after having searched for "pear tits?"
    I don't know, but if you moved to The UK you could have Great Tits.

    BadGod said...
    Do you listen to Opie & Anthony? Still no.
    Wait ... you're Opie, aren't you.
    Am I the greatest thing ever? Close to it, and may I add how delighted I am to see you here, haunting my blog despite your own blog absence? My first blog friend, back to visit.
    Ever 'done it' in the..uh...place of....poo making? I'm sorry, I can't break your top secret code; could you be a little less cryptic?
    Does anyone really know what time it is? Mark does.
    Why should I not "fear the reaper"? Because seasons don't fear the reaper. Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain. We can be like they are!
    Will you keep answering my questions? Sure, baby.
    Where have I been for the last few weeks? Sleeping in your truck.
    I think Estonia is a neat word. (that's not a question.)
    Who would you like to see play Roland, Eddie, Jake or Susannah if a Dark Tower movie is ever made? Oh, now you've opened the Pandora's Box, haven't you. All right then:

    Who can really play Roland? I assume that I can choose anyone, from any time, so I choose the much younger Clint Eastwood of Man Without a Face. He is the only one who could do it. (Click on Roland's photo at left for a spooky click-through. Ooooohhhhhhhhh ...)





    Susannah could be played by Angela Bassett, who can look like a real badass when she is mad. Remember in Waiting to Exhale when she burned the guy's car? What ... you haven't seen Waiting to Exhale? What is wrong with you?!?!?! I considered, then rejected Jada (the tough Matrix Jada, not the smiley Oscar-night one). And why???? Because I am sick of her face. Reason enough!

    Jake: River Phoenix. A young, pre-My Own Private Idaho homoerotica River; a Stand By Me River. A living River. Oh, when will my heart stop mourning the loss of this wonderful boy? Yes, Joaquin, I love you, but there is a River-shaped hole in my soul where your brother once was. Oh yes, what was I saying? I think this photo captures the Jake I imagine; sensitive, tough, twice-born, twice-dead.

    I struggled with Eddie, but I think I may have found him in David Beckham. He would have to have hair, and lose about 25 pounds for the heroin addict parts, but I think the handsome toughness is there. Now let's just hope he can act.






    Where did all of these great questions come from? The Activity Book at Bible camp?

    Should I go to sleep now or have one more cigarette? Oh, go for it.
    What is the square root of 78,345 divided by pi? 89.0954999
    bye! Godspeed, angel, and when shall we meet again?

    jiggs said...
    what happens if we pressure you?
    To answer this, let us all recall the Ideal Gas Law:
    PV = nRT
    [pronounced piv-nurrt]
    Where P = pressure, V = volume of blog traffic, n = number of times I send you spam, R = how many times I say the word "retard" in one day, and T = How many of my Kitten in a Sandwich Thongs I throw in the incinerator. Notice that, according to this formula, Pressure and Thong-burning are proportional. You do the math.



    B.E. Earl said...
    Where is fancy bred? In the heart or in the head? Neither. Everybody knows that fancy bred is in Aisle 1, between whole wheat and dinner rolls.


    Shanshu said...
    How many times in a single day have you ever taken a picture of yourself, and then re-taken the same picture in the hopes of making yourself look better? Or, to make the entire picture look better?
    Usually about 3 takes to get the shot where I don't have a double chin and my hair looks the most fabu.

    miss kendra said...
    how do you take your coffee?
    strong, with half & half

    eggs? Any way that's not raw.

    what is your favorite song? or top three? what is it that you like about those songs? I love saddish love-related songs, like Gypsy (Suzanne Vega), Love Song for a Vampire (Annie Lennox), and Secret World (Peter Gabriel). They verbalize an emotion that I love feeling; listen, and you will know.

    jamwall said...
    how many licks does it take to get to the center of a cowbell gene?
    A cowbell jean? I lost count after the first one.



    This was too too fun; let's mingle again soon. Thanks for indulging me!