The Return of the Poison Quill: Eat Sawdust, Home Depot!!!

June 3, 2008

Home Depot, Inc.
2455 Paces Ferry Road NW
Atlanta, GA 30339-4024

Dear Compassionate Representative of Home Depot, Incorporated:

I am writing to you about an incident that occurred on March 31, 2008. It took me this long to write to you because I hunted your entire website for an address to which I could write instead of filling out an online customer service form. When I wrote to customer service to request an address, they said they needed more information about why I was writing. Why do you make it so difficult to find a postal address? Sometimes a concern is not fit for handling by an outsourced trainee in India. I want you, the heart of this corporation, to hear me.

On March 31, my fiancée Jamwall visited his nearby Home Depot to return a food disposal unit that he had purchased the day before. He had meant it as a replacement for his existing unit, which he discovered just had a small electrical issue that was easily remedied, so he headed to the store with receipt in hand. When he entered the store and did not immediately spot the tucked-away Returns Desk, he headed for the Customer Service Counter. He was redirected to Returns, which was hidden near the door. When he got there and attempted to make the return, the clerk immediately began to verbally accost him by saying “where did you just come from?” and “That door? That one right there? You are saying you came right in through that door.” Jamwall repeatedly asserted that he had just entered through that very door behind him, but was subjected to the same abrupt and rude questioning several times before the manager finally arrived and asked him the same question again, and then disappeared to view the security tape. Once it was ascertained that he had indeed just entered through that door, the clerk mumbled a “sorry about that” and completed the return.

Now, I understand that Home Depot is subject to various types of theft, including customers trying to make a “return” with an item plucked from your shelves. This is not a problem for us, and we understand the need to double-check and even go so far as viewing a security tape. What appalls and angers us is the rudeness and the the lack of respect in our treatment. Every customer who chooses your store over the broad array of competitors, including the nearby Lowe’s or Menard’s (with whom we have never had a run-in with customer service) expects to be treated with dignity and respect, and to make a purchase or exchange without being harassed and embarrassed.

All your clerk and/or manager needed to do was to say, “We are very sorry, sir, but it is our policy to double-check the security tape for returns and exchanges. It’ll just be a moment, and we apologize for your inconvenience,” No problem! Instead, we get a clerk who half-mumbles a sorry. At least he did that! The manager didn’t even have the vision to realize that his treatment of Jamwall was abrupt and unfriendly. Since this incident, Jamwall has not returned to your store (neither have any of our family or friends), taking our business instead to Hardware Hank and just about any other option.

Are you such a corporate behemoth that you have lost sight of the individuals who support you every day by pouring their incomes into home repair? You spend millions or billions of dollars a year on advertising and the appearance of your stores. How is it, then, that you manage to hire front-line employees who are untrained in how to relate to customers?

Each transaction is a one-on-one, face-to-face encounter with the spirit of your company; and this encounter leaves us with the very simple impression that “Home Depot are jerks.” Plain and simple. No amount of fancy orange bannery and zippy commercials is going to change the impression that one clerk and one manager had on this family.

Thank you for your time,
Spinning Girl

--------------------------------------------------------------

p.s. to the readership: Jamwall doesn't know he is my fiancée yet, so don't tell him. I just thought that the letter would have more impact than just saying "my sometimes boyfriend" or "my distant phone-sex companion"

The Poisonous Gift: a photo essay

A short while ago a package arrived at my doorstep. This is most unexpected!!! I opened it to discover this sassily wrapped (a la Amazon) bundle. I opened it to discover a most wonderful gift, from none other than the marvelous Sleepy G!!!

Now Sleep Goblin knows how I loves me some angry letters (see here, and here, and here ...). She discovered this perfect stationery for the next time I'm pissed, which could happen at any moment! Looky here:

I can't wait to pen my next angry letter, with such a venomous quill ... and with angry stickers to close the final seal. Thank you, thank you, Sleep Goblin, for knowing me well enough to know that this is the perfect present!!!

Sometimes, the Quill is Sugar.

To whomever it may concern,

It gives me great pleasure to write a letter on behalf of our school’s yearbook representative, Penelope Strella. As one of two advisors who produce our middle school yearbook, I have known Penelope for almost four years. Within this time we have produced three 112-page books, and begun the fourth. None of this could have been accomplished without Penelope’s tireless and passionate leadership.

One outstanding aspect of Penelope’s personality is her willingness to go above and beyond the mediocre and to strive for excellence. This trait is applied in her own work ethic, as well as in her firm encouragement towards others. There have been times when my co-advisor and I were stuck, mired in bad ideas, and unmotivated. Penelope helped pull us out by prompting us to brainstorm and by offering solutions for our dilemma. She would never allow us to settle for work that was less than excellent. Most admirably, she achieved this near-impossibility by infecting us with her own positive attitude and with her love of the yearbook production process. Even when we resisted at first, we could not help but pull ourselves out of our own rut with Penelope leading the way. The end product was always much better than anything we imagined before we began.

Beyond just encouraging us, Penelope has lent us assistance by designing layouts for us to use or to manipulate to our own liking. She has an eye for design that is both necessary and valuable in this line of work. Often, we’d start a design that looked wrong to us, and she would work with it until it was balanced and page-worthy. Furthermore, she has encouraged us to attend numerous workshops and design clinics to help us become better designers. We may never have quite the eye that she does, but she leads by example and we can only hope to have her talent.

In addition to this encouragement and leadership, Penelope is a model of hard work and excellence in her own right. She is on time to meetings, frequent in her communications with us, willing to jump to assist us with our contacts, flexible in allowing our own creativity to be expressed on the page, and enthusiastic in presenting ideas to our students. In addition, she remembers little details and draws upon her memory to remind us of long-discarded ideas which might suddenly work in a new setting. For these reasons she is both an artist and a master at public-relations.

I consider myself extremely fortunate to have Penelope Strella in my corner. Yearbook production, like any publication, is an enormous job. My co-advisor and I began this job as new teachers in our schools and complete novices at design. With Penelope’s enthusiastic leadership, our yearbook has risen from a sub-par book to one that is truly outstanding. It is with tremendous enthusiasm that I voice my appreciation for her work.

Sincerely,
Spinning Girl



I will happily write your next reference letter. 'Cause I know you. I know you, man. Prefer the Poison Quill? Read them all:

Bumble Bee-licious
Shitballs Uniforms
Tubelicious
S.H.A.T. (angry teacher-man)
R.R. Moose (clothing & outdoor gear giant)
remarkable wireless (cell phone behemoth)
Rubberbands, Inc. (office supply store)

Fill your inkwell because ...

It's the return of The Poison Quill!

The victim: Shitballs Uniforms
The story: I ordered chef uniforms for several teachers (last Halloween); one apron never arrived. I emailed from the website (twice) and called the company, without satisfaction. Then the letters began. Sit back & let's see how it all plays out ....

Email #1:

From: "Spinning Girl"
Subject: Tracking Orderer
To: cs2@Shitballsuniforms.com

Hi,
I am waiting for a burgundy apron that I ordered in November and have had several service emails/phone calls about. I was told it was to be mailed the last time I called (2 weeks ago). Can you please tell me the status of my order?
Thank you,
Spinning Girl


Reply from Shitballs Inc.:

Good Morning Spinning,
Sorry for the delay, You will get your apron this week!
Jim Smith


Email #2:

From: "Spinning Girl"
Subject: Tracking Orderer email not answered
To: cs2@Shitballsuniforms.com

Dear Compassionate and With-It Customer Service Representative,
I cannot believe that I have contacted you so many times and Shitballs has still not fulfilled my order.
In September, I ordered a chef uniform, which included an apron.
I have emailed at least twice and called at least twice about this missing item.
The salesman, "JS", has assured me twice (on the phone) that he would put it in the mail for me.
I understand that the original apron is discontinued, so a replacement is to be mailed.
I have still not received anything.
It is now almost July. 9 months from my original order date.
What kind of operation is this?
Are you playing a trick on me? This can only be a joke, because nobody would operate a business in this manner.
Please fulfill my order so that I can leave you alone.

Sincerely,
Spinning Girl

p.s. You might not want to include this on your Testimonials page.



Reply from Shitballs, Inc:

...

SG draws huge breath, sharpens nails




Letter to President of Company:


Alan V. Shitballs, Jr.
President
Shitballs Uniforms
1209-11 East 25th Street
Baltimore, MD 21218


Dear Mr. Shitballs:

I am writing to inform you of my dissatisfaction regarding your company’s order fulfillment. I discovered your company via web search when I was in need of a chef’s uniform. I intentionally sought a small, family-owned business, and I relied on your customer testimonials as assurance that I had made a good choice. In September 2005 I ordered the uniform.

All of the parts of the uniforms, save one, arrived promptly and I have been very happy with them. The last item, an apron, was marked as “not delivered” on my sales slip, but without further explanation. I waited for the backorder to arrive.

When it didn’t. I emailed your customer service department. I was assured that the piece would be mailed promptly.

Since then, I have still not received the apron and have made at least two phone calls to your offices. Each time I have spoken to a person, who has assured me that the apron would be mailed immediately. I have also sent numerous emails to the customer service address on your web site, with no reply. Either the link is old or I am simply being ignored, neither of which pleases me.

As you may imagine, this is very frustrating.

In my last phone call, I asked the salesman, “JS”, to just reimburse me for the discontinued apron, but he assured me that he would send me another of similar style. It is now August, and I have still to see an apron.

Can you please help to resolve this issue for me? I would be happy to receive an apron or a refund at this point, I just want the matter closed.

Thank you for your help.

Sincerely,

Spinning Girl


cc: Customer Service

attachments: Previous emails


Resolution: Credit slip for $4 arrives in the mail. JUSTICE IS SERVED. Never underestimate the power of the written word. One word at a time, we can change the world.

Bumble Beelicious

The Poison Quill has struck again!

This is what you get when you write to BB

because one of their cans "sprayed" upon opening.

Score!

Thanks, Bumblebee!

Everybody go out and buy some Bumblebee!

(& here's the Bumblebee Tuna song just for you)

The Poison Quill: Ewww. Gravy. (a.k.a. This is the Type of Stuff I Do in the Summer)

19 Refrigerator Box
Quaintville, CT 01234

July 5, 2006

Manager, Devoidov Manors
123 Main St
Shoretown, CT 87654


Dear Manager,

I was recently at an event (a retirement party) at Devoidov Manors. The food was good and the atmosphere generally comfortable; however, I feel it is my duty to inform you of an unpleasant experience that evening.

Your wait-staff is in the habit of clearing plates in such a manner that they set up a clearing station (a tray on a stand) immediately next to the guests (who are trying to listen to the retirement speeches and whatnot); they then proceed to bring plates to this station and scrape their contents onto one plate so that they can make a gigantic stack of empty plates to carry to the kitchen.

It is the most unappetizing thing I have ever witnessed at a banquet hall.

Having just finished my meal, I was forced to watch about 40 plates being scraped in this manner, the gnawed/hacked prime rib bones and leftover gravy of other people's plates dripping and falling from a plate held sideways about 5 feet away from my face.

After bringing the loaded tray to the kitchen, the staff returned to continue in this way until all of the tables were cleared, each time setting up their stations at various points among the seated guests.

I know this was not an isolated incident, as I witnessed the exact same practice a year ago at a party, which I had forgotten about until I was reminded; furthermore, this behavior was discussed by numerous guests at my table and nearby tables, all of whom were disgusted. It definitely reflected on our opinion of your establishment.

I feel I speak for many when I say that I would much prefer the hustle & bustle of repeated trips to the kitchen over the sight of leftover vegetables, gravy, and meat bones dripping off of a plate. Little details like this make the difference between a memorable, classy evening and an unpleasant one.

Thank you for your time.

Spinning Girl

We'll see if I get a reply; I often don't. See more of my Poison Quillwork here:


Tubelicious
S.H.A.T. (angry teacher-man)
R.R. Moose (clothing & outdoor gear giant)
remarkable wireless (cell phone behemoth)
Rubberbands, Inc. (office supply store)

The Poison Quill: Banana

The other day I got an email at work from Mr. Sporadically Happy / Angry Teacher (SHAT), whom I had inconvenienced by mistakenly putting a folder back in the wrong place. Earlier, he had given me a banana that I ate with my cereal, which he now used as leverage in his email reaming. Here's how it all went down:

To: SG
From: SHAT
Re: Folder!!!!!

You put the team folder back in the wrong file, which caused me 15 minutes of frustration, inconvenience, and aggravation. Please be courteous enough to return things to their original location when you are finished with them.

I want that banana back.


My Reply:


To:SHAT
From: SG
Re: RE: Folder!!!!!

Hi, sorry I inconvenienced you, I must have gotten distracted.

About the banana, I should start seeing it re-emerge in a few hours. It's going to look pretty different from how it looked when you gave it to me. Do you still want it? I'll put it in a bag for you and leave it in your mailbox.

Banana Buddha says ...

Don't mess with Spinning Girl!!!!

Poison Quill III: Spinning Girl Takes on The Moose

February 6, 2005

Dear Compassionate Customer Service Representative of [Enormous outdoor gear company based in Maine, henceforth known as Randy Rugged Moose, Inc.-- R.R. Moose for short]:

I am writing to let you know of a recent disappointing experience involving your company, with which I have been very happy until this incident. I’ve been a customer for years, always enjoying the quality of your goods, promptness of delivery, and your efforts to keep the customer happy.

It was therefore with great dismay that I was faced with a series of sloppy efforts and screw-ups prior to the holidays, followed by no attempts to placate me.

I ordered a handbag on December 8th that I had hoped would arrive in the week or so that I’ve grown accustomed to, as a long-standing customer. When it failed to arrive, I called customer service and was informed that it should be arriving at any time. Two phone calls over the next 2 weeks led to a Dec. 22 conversation in which I was informed that the bag had, in fact, never been shipped!

A new bag was promptly placed in the mail for me, and it arrived at the end of December, a bit late for the intended recipient but no real harm done.

With all of this aggravation I was certain that when I opened the package I would discover a nice little R.R.Moose coupon with a “sorry for the inconvenience” or a “thank you for your patience” written on it. But … no coupon. In fact, I paid full price ($59!) for the bag and sacrificed one of my hard-earned R.R.Moose VISA $10 coupons to deduct from the price. I already get free shipping for using your VISA card, so I couldn’t even get a shipping deduction.

Usually, when a customer has called three times to inquire about an order and then it turns out that an error in the company’s shipping room caused the delay, the company throws the customer a small bone to make them wag their tail and come back once in a while. Not to mention telling all their friends about the wonderful experience they had had with that company’s customer service!

Not so in this instance. I just sat by the mailbox, relying on my faith in past instances when R.R. Moose showed that the customer’s satisfaction came first. Maybe the same people who handled bag #1 were in charge of customer-pleasing “we’re sorry we goofed” coupons this time.

Thank you for your time.

Spinning Girl

• I received two $10 coupons for this letter, which made me happy. I still shop at this company all the time. Thanks, R.R. Moose! If you don't have an R.R. Moose in your area, maybe you would like this almost identical sister company for all of your rugged outdoorsy needs.
• This concludes the Poison Quill series for now. Do not weep, for there will be more. Someday.

Poison Quill II: Spinning Girl is Hands-Free!

January 20, 2005

Remarkable Wireless Something Highlands

Glenridge Something

Atlanta, GA 30342


Dear Compassionate Representative of Remarkable Wireless,

I am writing to express my displeasure regarding a recent attempt to exchange a faulty piece of equipment to your stores. While I understand that you have a 7-day return policy, there was no explaining my situation to the staff of the two stores I visited. I am writing to get some satisfaction in this seemingly small issue, which to me represents a large matter of principle.

I purchased a hands-free headset for my new LG phone at your Malltown, CT branch in December, 2004. It cost about $25. I do not usually visit Malltown, but I happened to be in the area and saw the store.

Upon trying the headset, I discovered that it did not work. That is, I could not hear anything through the earpiece. I took the headset to a store that is closer to me, in Churchville, CT. There I was told that I could only exchange my merchandise at the specific store where I purchased it. I find that amusing, since you are a national company, and I don’t really understand how it would have been “stealing from their inventory” (as it was explained to me), but I was willing to do so.

Meanwhile, we had the holidays, and I also had a major injury that kept me from making this exchange during December. I’m not going for the pity vote; it is just part of the circumstances that kept me from making this exchange in your proscribed 7-day period. Not to mention that I don’t live anywhere near Malltown, so I had to make an extra trip!

Finally, this past Monday, I made the 1-hour trip to Malltown to make the exchange, and was informed by the salesgirl that it was too late, and that I need the original packaging of the headset to boot. I had the receipt in my hand and the headset with its little sticker still on it. I simply could not argue with this unbendable 7-day “blanket policy” of yours, and no one would hear my story. All I want is a headset that works!!!

So here I sit, in possession of a $25 piece of wire that is useless to me. Can you please, please give me some kind of assistance here? I realize that you are a gigantic multibillion dollar company, and my pathetic little pocket change may not mean very much to you, but it’s the little people like me buying your little pieces of wire and metal that made this company what it is. It’s my hope that your customer service is as good as the rest of your services. If I could do this exchange by mail, or get some sort of voucher, or even have my credit card credited for the purchase at this point, I would be 100% satisfied and return to my previous state of being “remarkably happy”.

With thanks in advance,

Spinning Girl

• I did receive satisfaction for this letter; a $25 credit plus a little extra for my aggravation. I'm still not pimping this company though, because their service has huge gaps and their billing is nonsensical.
• Do you like how I invoked the "little people like me" cry? It worked, I think.

Poison Quill I: Spinning Girl Wants Her $3 Rebate!

This is the first letter in a series I am calling Poison Quill. It's a series of angry letters I have written in my one-woman battle against Big-Ass Corporate. As the evidence will show, the rewards reaped are enormous.

May 17, 2005

Dear [Compassionate Representative of office supply behemoth henceforth known as "Rubberbands"]:

I don't ordinarily write letters of complaint (that's a lie), but I must bring to your attention a situation which, while of small monetary concern, represents to me rather a large matter of principle.

Twice now I have received a postcard from the Rubberbands Rebate Department stating that I am not eligible for a rebate that I requested because I did not include the original UPC barcode from the package.

I'm writing to let you know that on both of these occasions I most certainly DID include the barcode, as I always do in my careful way when submitting such things, and I distinctly remember trying to keep them intact as I opened the pen packages. I don't send away for rebates very often, and the process is so involved that I have a very clear memory of doing it.

I suspect that something is fishy in the Rubberbands Rebate Department. Either someone is carelessly opening the mail and losing the UPC barcodes, or losing track of which barcode belonged to which envelope. Or possibly the practice of sending customers these little postcards is common, and less expensive to the corporation than paying each customer the $2 or $3 they painstakingly jumped through all of your hoops to get?

I am not happy about this.

I have single-handedly spent hundreds of dollars a year in your stores, and this little postcard is just an insult to my intelligence. It's easy to send an emotionless little card with the assumption that most people don’t remember what they did 8 weeks ago. Well, most of us do. People who take the time to fill out all the little forms for these rebates most certainly make sure that they have followed all of the procedures. I wasn't counting on your little $3 to put food on my table this month, but it did make me a little happier about buying your pens.

Thank you for listening.

Spinning Girl

• This is an actual letter sent to "Customer Service" at Rubberbands, Inc. I never heard from them. I never got my big fat rebate check. Staples-and-rubber-band-pimping bastards! We were forced to eat ramen for a month. I now shop at Office Max. Yay, Office Max!!! Everybody go shop at Office Max!!!