Yes, this is a real road in New Hampshire. Which kind of explains things. Also, my tags have very little to do with this post. Tomorrow: A special New England surprise!
Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. This vajayjay is not a toy.
Showing posts with label Amy Campbell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Amy Campbell. Show all posts
August 31, 2007
April 23, 2007
Dine with me.
It's leftovers; that OK with you, sugar?
Feast One Hundred & Forty
Appetizer
What is your favorite kind of bread? Are you freaking kidding me? Like I have a favorite kind. Let's list all the breads that have rocked my world: sourdough, my grandmother's sourdough rye from Estonia; whole wheat rolls, straight from the oven. How about a nice crusty white loaf, fresh-baked and doused in butter? Mmm, a rosemary loaf with olive oil. Naan. Pillsbury flaky dinner rolls. Criossants! Wait, I'm starting to realize why I tend to gain weight. Mmm, bread. Anything without caraway seeds in it never stands a chance.
Soup
When was the last time you bought a new pillow? I buy new pillows rather often, like once a year. I recently bought some on sale and I was very sorry. They were so soft they gave me a three-day neck ache. Fuck you, Company Store! Fuck you, and Amy Campbell too! Foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Salad
Approximately how many hours per week do you spend surfing the ‘net? Lately, not so many. In my heavy blogging periods I could easily sit online for 3 hours. I don't really "surf"; I just read blogs. Lately, it's about 30 minutes and then I can't sit anymore. It is too nice out!
Main Course
What’s the highest you remember your temperature being? 104. I have this really cool fever-hallucination where the room keeps getting bigger and bigger, then smaller & smaller. That time, it was like Alice in Wonderland. The fluctuations were rapid and gigantic-miniscule-gigantic-miniscule. There were silver threads hanging from the ceiling. I've been trying to recapture that feeling ever since, but all I do is throw up.
Dessert
Fill in the blanks: When I ____________, I _____________.
1) Think about you / squirt ketchup down my pants.
2) Go to the bank / sometimes flash the teller at the drive-thru
3) chew gum / often suddenly choke on my own saliva
4) start my summer vacation / laugh until I cry
5) grow old / want to feel as young as I do now
That last one was fun ... you try!!!
March 06, 2007
Meditations on a Chilly Mannequin (reposting is my life)
Why are these poor, poor mannequins displayed in shop windows wearing next-to-nothing on a day when it is 22 degrees out? I, the potential customer passing by, am not tempted to buy these little items on a day like this, and especially when these cold, hard mannequins look so uncomfortable in them. Their cold, hard little nipples do not entice me either. They could chip ice. Eat a cheeseburger, you skinny perky bitch!
One time, in band camp … oh, who am I kidding? I never went to band camp! Estonian Girl Scout camp, baby! All the way! I think one of the high points of camp was when my friend Kulp and I decided to try “smoking” so we rolled up a bunch of cotton balls into a notebook-paper cylinder, lit it, and took a huge drag. After I recovered from the second-degree burns on my larynx, I decided that smoking might not be a healthy habit. It wasn’t until later that I began to crave the leaf, and while I never became a smoker, I kissed a lot of guys who did, just so I could get a contact buzz.
In 1984, also at camp, we went on this gigantic hike, wherein myself and 13 other people got lost in the woods of northern Ontario for 14 hours. It was scary, yet fun. At one point, we crossed a swamp, and Royd dropped all of the loaves of bread in the water. We survived on 2 boxes of raisins, a smoked meat stick, and 2 cans of beer shared between the 14 of us. We had already decided whom we would eat if we were lost for days, and luckily it wasn’t me (too stringy). As we hunted for a trail and fresh water, I decided I wanted to look pretty when they found my body so I put on blue eyeliner. 15 minutes later we hit a road and I’m pretty sure it was my blue eyeliner that scored us the lift from that pickup truck. Either that, or my 22 plastic bangle bracelets.
One time, in band camp … oh, who am I kidding? I never went to band camp! Estonian Girl Scout camp, baby! All the way! I think one of the high points of camp was when my friend Kulp and I decided to try “smoking” so we rolled up a bunch of cotton balls into a notebook-paper cylinder, lit it, and took a huge drag. After I recovered from the second-degree burns on my larynx, I decided that smoking might not be a healthy habit. It wasn’t until later that I began to crave the leaf, and while I never became a smoker, I kissed a lot of guys who did, just so I could get a contact buzz.
In 1984, also at camp, we went on this gigantic hike, wherein myself and 13 other people got lost in the woods of northern Ontario for 14 hours. It was scary, yet fun. At one point, we crossed a swamp, and Royd dropped all of the loaves of bread in the water. We survived on 2 boxes of raisins, a smoked meat stick, and 2 cans of beer shared between the 14 of us. We had already decided whom we would eat if we were lost for days, and luckily it wasn’t me (too stringy). As we hunted for a trail and fresh water, I decided I wanted to look pretty when they found my body so I put on blue eyeliner. 15 minutes later we hit a road and I’m pretty sure it was my blue eyeliner that scored us the lift from that pickup truck. Either that, or my 22 plastic bangle bracelets.
I was so fashionable in the 80's. Ohhhh, yeah. I had the little purse with the wooden handles and the interchangeable button-on covers. I had penny loafers with real pennies in them, sometimes dimes because I'm a rebel that way ... My hair feathered in the most perfect way, starting right in the middle at the part and traveling all the way down the side in a roll that ended at my shoulders. I wore the button-down shirt with the ribbon tied in a bow at my neck. And what about those sweaters with the puffy sleeves? Yes. Argyle vests? Yes. Knickers? Parachute pants? Adidas sneakers? Rubber bracelets? Headgear?? Yes, yes, yes, yes, oh god, yes.
I used to love shoelaces and ribbons with little pictures on them, like ice cream cones or pineapples, or little jumping frogs. I could not have enough of those. Today, I saw a girl with a belt that had little cherries embroidered on it, and I had a flashback to elementary school. It hit me like a wave. So fuck you again, Amy Campbell!
March 01, 2007
A little something caught in my teeth.
twolf1920 has left a new comment on your post Keep those questions comin': Might be too late, but here goes! Whats the most EMBARRASSING thing that ever happened to you? If you tell me YOURS, I will tell you MINE!
Sorry twolf, I hope you didn't feel too left out of the blogsnuggle. Here is my reply:
I have two related embarrasing tales, both of which involve underwear.
Embarrassing Tale #1 (grade three): Amy Campbell untied my wrap-around skirt so that when I stood up to return my tray, my skirt fell down and the whole cafeteria saw my little briefs with the assortment of colored mushrooms all over them (what in the seven levels of Hell were those all about?!?). At least, I always blamed her; but I was never really sure whether she did it, or if it just came untied on its own. Fuck you anyway, Amy Campbell!
Embarrassing Tale #1 (grade three): Amy Campbell untied my wrap-around skirt so that when I stood up to return my tray, my skirt fell down and the whole cafeteria saw my little briefs with the assortment of colored mushrooms all over them (what in the seven levels of Hell were those all about?!?). At least, I always blamed her; but I was never really sure whether she did it, or if it just came untied on its own. Fuck you anyway, Amy Campbell!
Embarrassing Tale #2 (circa 1998): I was teaching high school and sharing a room with a woman who was in charge of the Senior Homecoming Float. Hence I thought nothing of it when I saw a scrap of fabric lying in the middle of the floor. After the students had gone, I picked it up and discovered, holy shit, this is underwear. Holy everliving fuck, this is my underwear! I had a pair of panties stuck inside my pants leg from a previous wearing, that had worked their way out onto the floor of my classroom of sophomores. To this day I wonder at what point they were hanging, hermit-crab-like, half in/half out of my pants leg. Fuck you again, Amy Campbell!! Fuck you foreverrrrrrr!!!!
August 20, 2006
The Down & Dirty Blog Frolic (II): Tickle Torture, Spinnerina Style
The subject: Spinning Girl, freshly home from vacation and bleary-eyed from her month of homelessness. Having subjected herself to an open question-and-answer session here, she must now face the music.
Slyde said... a question, huh? ok...why don't you ever call? It’s lonely out here in the cyberverse...p.s. it was nice to see you drop by the site the other week. I was honored :)
I tried to call, but it keeps telling me that you were away from your desk at the moment, or with a client. What do you do, work for a living?!? Also, your blog is hot stuff; your template messes with my browser, though, so I only stop by when I have the patience.
miss kendra said... how far is spinning girl's house, Connecticut from say, Salem Massachusetts? And would spinning girl's house be amenable to a visit say, around the holidays, were someone from California to find herself suddenly on the east coast?
I am exactly 101.101 miles from Salem. This distance can be traversed by the spinmobile in less than 2 hours. Your wish is my command! Beware, though, for Salem (as you well know) is a hotbed of anti-feminine activity. I speak, of course, of the witch trials of old.
Übermilf said... Let no one claim Estonian women aren't hot.
This story speaks for itself. And let us not forget the hottie in the ballpit. Meowr!
DaMasta said... When can I move in?
Yesterday. No, the day before.
"K" Fingerett said... I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on your last "Discuss" post aka the "wtf post" ...Now for a question...Maybe I missed it, because you post so often and I don't get on hear as much as I used to... But, what ever happened to the monkey?
Since you are relatively new to the scene, and started coming around after the Monkey heyday, I will forgive your use of the term “The Monkey”. I must warn you, however, that he would be greatly disdained by your use of this term. He is simply “Monkey”; just as you aren’t “The Fingerett.” I won’t tell him, though, and let’s just keep your error on the QT; otherwise we would be covered with pellets o’ poo.
As for Monkey’s whereabouts, I believe he is resting. After our visit in January, when we fell in love, Monkey was quite heartbroken. He has been spotted from time to time, which eases my mind as to his well-being. Monkeys need their rest, and his hiatus corresponds perfectly with the hibernation period (a little-known fact) of wild monkeys, so I am not worried. If I see him, I will tell him that you asked after him.
Lee Ann said... Why do men have nipples?
To hold their titanium jewelry, of course.
UberGoober said... What is the air speed and velocity of a Sparrow carrying a one-pound coconut?
To answer this question, please consult the following pictogram.
Slyde said... a question, huh? ok...why don't you ever call? It’s lonely out here in the cyberverse...p.s. it was nice to see you drop by the site the other week. I was honored :)
I tried to call, but it keeps telling me that you were away from your desk at the moment, or with a client. What do you do, work for a living?!? Also, your blog is hot stuff; your template messes with my browser, though, so I only stop by when I have the patience.
miss kendra said... how far is spinning girl's house, Connecticut from say, Salem Massachusetts? And would spinning girl's house be amenable to a visit say, around the holidays, were someone from California to find herself suddenly on the east coast?
I am exactly 101.101 miles from Salem. This distance can be traversed by the spinmobile in less than 2 hours. Your wish is my command! Beware, though, for Salem (as you well know) is a hotbed of anti-feminine activity. I speak, of course, of the witch trials of old.
Übermilf said... Let no one claim Estonian women aren't hot.
This story speaks for itself. And let us not forget the hottie in the ballpit. Meowr!
DaMasta said... When can I move in?
Yesterday. No, the day before.
"K" Fingerett said... I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on your last "Discuss" post aka the "wtf post" ...Now for a question...Maybe I missed it, because you post so often and I don't get on hear as much as I used to... But, what ever happened to the monkey?
Since you are relatively new to the scene, and started coming around after the Monkey heyday, I will forgive your use of the term “The Monkey”. I must warn you, however, that he would be greatly disdained by your use of this term. He is simply “Monkey”; just as you aren’t “The Fingerett.” I won’t tell him, though, and let’s just keep your error on the QT; otherwise we would be covered with pellets o’ poo.
As for Monkey’s whereabouts, I believe he is resting. After our visit in January, when we fell in love, Monkey was quite heartbroken. He has been spotted from time to time, which eases my mind as to his well-being. Monkeys need their rest, and his hiatus corresponds perfectly with the hibernation period (a little-known fact) of wild monkeys, so I am not worried. If I see him, I will tell him that you asked after him.
Lee Ann said... Why do men have nipples?
To hold their titanium jewelry, of course.
UberGoober said... What is the air speed and velocity of a Sparrow carrying a one-pound coconut?
To answer this question, please consult the following pictogram.
Then, use this simple formula to do the necessary calculations. Duh!
Lightning Bug's Butt said... Do you think tumbleweeds ever find the other bushes lazy?
It is well known that tumbleweeds have a rather holier-than-thou attitude in their approach to all other flora.
Madge said... Do you have any pets?
I had the most wonderful cat, Juku, who died in 2001 of heart failure. I may have another cat soon, now that I don’t have a bitchy landlord.
tits mcgee said... Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Because, just like you, they long to be close to me.
Brooke said... Do you wanna make love? Or do you just wanna fool around?
Is it the first date? Then no. But if we've been out a few times, I'll let you feel me up over my sweater, a little bit.
Juliabohemian said... Why a chicken? Why not a duck?
My thoughts exactly. The goose is also under-represented.
Osbasso said... Verdi "Requiem" in May, 2007. Wanna come out?
Music brings people together.
B.E. Earl said... Why hasn't "Boy's Life" by McCammon been adapted to the big screen yet?
Way overdue. I would hope the director could do it justice. Otherwise, I’d prefer my imagination to any artist’s rendering. Definitely one of my top 5 favorite books of ALL TIME (trust me on this one, folks, and go out & get it).
Kat said... ...seeing as it's been on my mind lately...how do you feel about half torsos?
On myself, I prefer a whole torso. In art, I much prefer a half torso to a headless full torso.
kris said... Dear SG, Not the most positive question, but . . .What is your biggest regret?
I have a few regrets, which I keep to myself. My biggest regret involves throwing something away, which I needed later. But I believe that DaMasta’s no-regrets philosophy is a good one, and I try to model myself after that now that I have discovered it. Thanks, chica, for helping me to live a better life.
jamwall said... yeah, what's your new address? Its time to resume the swap-o-crap proceedings! :) you can e-mail that to me, btw.WORD VERIFICATION: YVEGBOY <--- yodeling veggie boy
B.E. Earl said... Why hasn't "Boy's Life" by McCammon been adapted to the big screen yet?
Way overdue. I would hope the director could do it justice. Otherwise, I’d prefer my imagination to any artist’s rendering. Definitely one of my top 5 favorite books of ALL TIME (trust me on this one, folks, and go out & get it).
Kat said... ...seeing as it's been on my mind lately...how do you feel about half torsos?
On myself, I prefer a whole torso. In art, I much prefer a half torso to a headless full torso.
kris said... Dear SG, Not the most positive question, but . . .What is your biggest regret?
I have a few regrets, which I keep to myself. My biggest regret involves throwing something away, which I needed later. But I believe that DaMasta’s no-regrets philosophy is a good one, and I try to model myself after that now that I have discovered it. Thanks, chica, for helping me to live a better life.
jamwall said... yeah, what's your new address? Its time to resume the swap-o-crap proceedings! :) you can e-mail that to me, btw.WORD VERIFICATION: YVEGBOY <--- yodeling veggie boy
The swap-o-crap is one of my favorite blog inventions. Bring it on!
DaMasta said... ... And how soon after I move in can I start sleeping in your bed?
Right after you buy me dinner and rub my feet, just like everybody else. Plus, you are already in the pigpile, so it's just a matter of acquiring a proper blanket.
Anonymous said... are you really related to jiggs casey?
Jiggs and I hope to marry, so after we tie the knot he will be related to me and all my brood.
hyena9 said... What is your personal philosophy on life?
Don’t overthink it.
Bill said ... I have several questions:
Why is it funnier to say bum than it is to say ass?
I must disagree. But funnier than both of these is “coolie”, and the topper is “gadonkadonk”.
Why do very old men on buses who sit beside you make unconscious loud smacking sounds with their lips?
Because, despite the fact that their ears are huge, they can’t actually hear well enough to know that they are making sounds.
How do people tell the difference between a fart and a dump? I mean, how do they know they aren't just going to shit their pants when they let go?
I find potty humor childish and tasteless (as evidenced here and here), so I will not dignify that with a response.
mp said... Why do you pretend not to be a lesbian?
Because most of the gals who hit on me really aren’t my type, and I hope that by laying low I will happen upon the love of my life unexpectedly at Home Depot.
Dave Morris said... Do bees do doobies?
No.
jiggs said... she sells sea shells by the sea shore. Can you say that 5 times fast?
Watch your mail for the bill to replace my monitor after it blew a fuse because of “moisture of unknown origin”.
BadGod said... What is Fermat's Last Theorem? How was it solved? Which is more powerful, gravity or electricity? What is the biological basis of consciousness? The GUT-Power (Grand Unified Theory) was divided into four fundamental powers. Name them and your least favorite sexual position.
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover !
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover !
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!
The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!
A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice !
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.
(Kubla Khan or A Vision in a Dream, a Fragment -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge.)
... and my favorite position is the one where you keep scrubbing and scrubbing the blackboard while I stand over you and thrash you with a shelalegh, insisting that it is still dirty, and then you cry.
BadGod said... Also......Name three machines that are 'soulful' according to Jeremy Clarkson. I’m waiting, woman.
1. The George Foreman grill.
2. The close-and-play record player.
3. The weed whacker.
t2ed said... Why did Chris Robinson & Kate Hudson?
Because Nipsy Russel.
Rrramone said... Why?
Because no matter how high the ladder climbs, there’s always one more rung.
And because you were bad.
Sleep Goblin said... How likely is Spinning Girl to be in the Louisville, Kentucky area on October 21st, when her good friend Sleep Goblin is getting married?
I’ve consulted my astrological chart, and my magic 9-ball. While most signs point to “probably not”, there is a giant possibility of some serious snail-mail-love coming your way right around that time.
Bill said... How many times have you watched "Christmas in Connecticut"?
Precisely zero. Celebrated Christmas ... 37 times.
MadMeer said... You know what would be good? If you would stop being on holiday, that is what would be good. Okay okay. I'll ask your damn question, but I won't like it! What should I be when I grow up? Oh, and now that I am unpacked, I have something for you. Can you send me your address? I promise it will not be anything stored in a Christmas tin.
Bring it on! As for what you should be when you grow up, how about a pastry chef? In my own kitchen?
miss kendra said... when will my lawyer get the insurance company to give me my damn money so I can move on with my life?
Yesterday. No, the day before.
Will I be as cool as you someday?
Honey, your level of coolness is my goal.
FRITZ said... What does your favorite bra look like?
I prefer to support my breasts with one of these.
Lee Ann said... How long are you going to be gone?
This time, only a week. Someday, I will be gone forever.
FU said... what's green and smells like pork?............Kermit’s finger.ok.. Not really a question. coz I gave the answer.ok here's a question: do you get dizzy from constantly spinning?
That is a great joke. It gives me a visual that is unmatched in its ability to promote dry heaves. As for spinning, I don’t actually spin on the Z axis (as BOBI once imagined). Instead, I spin a long and winding tale.
Bill said... Where the hell are you holidaying? The moon? Get your ass back here!
I brought you some green cheese and an American flag that I found.
Ricardo Montalbán said... Why have you forsaken me?
Tattoo was my first love, you know.
Freiya said... Hmmmm, a question.......what sky type event (like eclipses, northern lights, pretty atmospheric stuff) do you want to see most? oh and a more general one, what one item you have would you save if you could only save one thing?
I would love to see the green flash. And if I could save just one thing, it would be my leather box full of photos.
jiggs said... you're back!!!
Barely!
Kat said... I concur with Bill. It’s very hard to stalk someone when you don't know where they are.the wv gods need me to round up the pigs now: runhogz
Soooo-eeeeeee!
I have so many restraining orders against people from blogland; one more won’t make a difference.
aughra said... The first election you ever voted in, and what about it that made you passionate about politics. This is assuming that you are passionate about politics. But, why did you choose that election as your first, and for whom did you vote?
The very first election I voted in was in second grade when we had to vote for the class hall monitor for the month of October. I chose Amy Campbell, because I liked her red hair; it made her seem feisty and strong. Later that year she untied my wrap-around skirt and it fell down in front of the whole cafeteria, and I regretted my choice. Fuck you, Amy Campbell! As for political elections, I think the next one will matter most of all.
DaMasta said... I missed you, too! So glad you're back.
There’s no place like home. (repeat 3x)
DaMasta said... ... And how soon after I move in can I start sleeping in your bed?
Right after you buy me dinner and rub my feet, just like everybody else. Plus, you are already in the pigpile, so it's just a matter of acquiring a proper blanket.
Anonymous said... are you really related to jiggs casey?
Jiggs and I hope to marry, so after we tie the knot he will be related to me and all my brood.
hyena9 said... What is your personal philosophy on life?
Don’t overthink it.
Bill said ... I have several questions:
Why is it funnier to say bum than it is to say ass?
I must disagree. But funnier than both of these is “coolie”, and the topper is “gadonkadonk”.
Why do very old men on buses who sit beside you make unconscious loud smacking sounds with their lips?
Because, despite the fact that their ears are huge, they can’t actually hear well enough to know that they are making sounds.
How do people tell the difference between a fart and a dump? I mean, how do they know they aren't just going to shit their pants when they let go?
I find potty humor childish and tasteless (as evidenced here and here), so I will not dignify that with a response.
mp said... Why do you pretend not to be a lesbian?
Because most of the gals who hit on me really aren’t my type, and I hope that by laying low I will happen upon the love of my life unexpectedly at Home Depot.
Dave Morris said... Do bees do doobies?
No.
jiggs said... she sells sea shells by the sea shore. Can you say that 5 times fast?
Watch your mail for the bill to replace my monitor after it blew a fuse because of “moisture of unknown origin”.
BadGod said... What is Fermat's Last Theorem? How was it solved? Which is more powerful, gravity or electricity? What is the biological basis of consciousness? The GUT-Power (Grand Unified Theory) was divided into four fundamental powers. Name them and your least favorite sexual position.
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover !
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover !
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!
The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!
A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice !
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.
(Kubla Khan or A Vision in a Dream, a Fragment -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge.)
... and my favorite position is the one where you keep scrubbing and scrubbing the blackboard while I stand over you and thrash you with a shelalegh, insisting that it is still dirty, and then you cry.
BadGod said... Also......Name three machines that are 'soulful' according to Jeremy Clarkson. I’m waiting, woman.
1. The George Foreman grill.
2. The close-and-play record player.
3. The weed whacker.
t2ed said... Why did Chris Robinson & Kate Hudson?
Because Nipsy Russel.
Rrramone said... Why?
Because no matter how high the ladder climbs, there’s always one more rung.
And because you were bad.
Sleep Goblin said... How likely is Spinning Girl to be in the Louisville, Kentucky area on October 21st, when her good friend Sleep Goblin is getting married?
I’ve consulted my astrological chart, and my magic 9-ball. While most signs point to “probably not”, there is a giant possibility of some serious snail-mail-love coming your way right around that time.
Bill said... How many times have you watched "Christmas in Connecticut"?
Precisely zero. Celebrated Christmas ... 37 times.
MadMeer said... You know what would be good? If you would stop being on holiday, that is what would be good. Okay okay. I'll ask your damn question, but I won't like it! What should I be when I grow up? Oh, and now that I am unpacked, I have something for you. Can you send me your address? I promise it will not be anything stored in a Christmas tin.
Bring it on! As for what you should be when you grow up, how about a pastry chef? In my own kitchen?
miss kendra said... when will my lawyer get the insurance company to give me my damn money so I can move on with my life?
Yesterday. No, the day before.
Will I be as cool as you someday?
Honey, your level of coolness is my goal.
FRITZ said... What does your favorite bra look like?
I prefer to support my breasts with one of these.
Lee Ann said... How long are you going to be gone?
This time, only a week. Someday, I will be gone forever.
FU said... what's green and smells like pork?............Kermit’s finger.ok.. Not really a question. coz I gave the answer.ok here's a question: do you get dizzy from constantly spinning?
That is a great joke. It gives me a visual that is unmatched in its ability to promote dry heaves. As for spinning, I don’t actually spin on the Z axis (as BOBI once imagined). Instead, I spin a long and winding tale.
Bill said... Where the hell are you holidaying? The moon? Get your ass back here!
I brought you some green cheese and an American flag that I found.
Ricardo Montalbán said... Why have you forsaken me?
Tattoo was my first love, you know.
Freiya said... Hmmmm, a question.......what sky type event (like eclipses, northern lights, pretty atmospheric stuff) do you want to see most? oh and a more general one, what one item you have would you save if you could only save one thing?
I would love to see the green flash. And if I could save just one thing, it would be my leather box full of photos.
jiggs said... you're back!!!
Barely!
Kat said... I concur with Bill. It’s very hard to stalk someone when you don't know where they are.the wv gods need me to round up the pigs now: runhogz
Soooo-eeeeeee!
I have so many restraining orders against people from blogland; one more won’t make a difference.
aughra said... The first election you ever voted in, and what about it that made you passionate about politics. This is assuming that you are passionate about politics. But, why did you choose that election as your first, and for whom did you vote?
The very first election I voted in was in second grade when we had to vote for the class hall monitor for the month of October. I chose Amy Campbell, because I liked her red hair; it made her seem feisty and strong. Later that year she untied my wrap-around skirt and it fell down in front of the whole cafeteria, and I regretted my choice. Fuck you, Amy Campbell! As for political elections, I think the next one will matter most of all.
DaMasta said... I missed you, too! So glad you're back.
There’s no place like home. (repeat 3x)
April 05, 2006
Nostalgika VI: We Were All Fashion Plates
First of all, do you remember the toy called Fashion Plates? It was minutes of fun. You could mix and match the tops and bottoms to create literally tens of outfits, gravestone-rub them with a crayon and then color them in to pass off as original work!
When you weren't creating fashion plates in the 1980's. you could be one by dressing like everyone else. Just like now! Only our clothes were way cooler than anything that exists now. Way! I remember when overalls were all the rage:
But you had to wear them with one strap hanging completely loose, unhooked. Otherwise you were just begging for a wedgie, like the one I got from Madeline K. She was 6 feet tall, beautiful, and the sixth grade bully. She and her posse of blonde, training-bra wearing bitches were a pack to be feared. She made the mistake of going solo on my little overalled ass when we happened to be in the same hallway one day. After I released my choke-hold on her I undid my buckle and carried on as though I had been cool all along.
Madeline is also the one who informed me that I looked "pregnant" in my denim jumper, which is why I never wore it to school again. Sorry mom, I just didn't want to face the shame of being suspected of 6th-grade coitus.
On days my overalls were in the wash, I wore my parachute pants. Only the sexiest among us could pull that look off.
Parachute pants went really well with a Flock Of Seagulls haircut, if your mom would let you get one and not be such a SPAZ about everything!
Then there was the wrap-around skirt. Unlike its cousin the skort, the wrap-around skirt has nothing underneath it to conceal your mushroom-patterned underwear when you-know-who unties it in the cafeteria, to fall at the perfect moment. Fuck you, Amy Campbell! Fuck you and your nimble, third-grade fingers!
Then there were the knickers. I wanted a pair of knickers so badly. I begged and pleaded for a year, and then finally got a pair. They were like capris, but with more of a cuff. They were to be worn with argyle socks and penny loafers.
For a fun game, try Googling the word "knickers" sometime. Make sure you do it while your boss is standing behind you, or possibly during a very important presentation.
Last but certainly not least, the perfect accessory: the Bermuda Bag with interchangeable, reversible covers. I had so many covers (handmade by my mom) that I didn't know what to do with myself! My favorite cover had pink corduroy on one side, pink plaid twill on the other. And four button holes on each side, of course! You had to have 4 buttons or you were just a wanna-be.
We were so very cool back in 1982.Sometimes at school I tell someone that they are "such a fashion plate" (when they get a new, cool outfit) and they look at me like I just said, "oooh, nice Model T!" These kids don't know what they missed. Nothing was as tubular as fashion in the 80's. Totally tubular.
November 10, 2005
My Box (I Get the Best Gifts, part IV)
Today in study hall, in belated honor of my birthday, Amy gave me an origami box that she had made (not Amy Campbell ... f*** you, Amy Campbell!) .
I opened the box to discover, inside of it ... another box!
Inside that box was ... you guessed it.
And then another, and another.
Inside the smallest box, there was a tiny little paper crane.
I am very moved by this present. More than by some others, even by the lobsters. Just the thought of this girl sitting and folding box after nested box to give me, touches me deeply.
I love that little crane. I put it back into the box ---> box---> box---> box---> box, to look at again tomorrow.
November 07, 2005
Split Pea Meditations
Yesterday, I made split pea soup. While I was waiting for it to be done, I thought I would try to meditate. I still haven’t gotten that whole “clearing the mind” thing down yet. Intrusive thoughts are keeping me from reaching a state of bliss, goddam it!
When I eat salty food, I have a coughing fit. I have always done so, ever since babyhood. People try to pat me on the back, and I have to tell them no, it’s just the salt. You should hear me eat Tostitos. I hack & wheeze the whole time. But I put salt on everything, because I love it. Now it’s so bad, even the thought of salt makes me cough. I’m coughing as I write this! I am a freak.
Friday at Starbucks I was given a Canadian nickel for change. I gave it back to the barista and asked for a US nickel (nothing against you northerners, I just like my change to work in the soda machine, OK?). She took the Canadian nickel and threw it in the trash can. I stared at her, open-mouthed. She just stared back. The other barista was having a hissy fit over it, and yelling at her. I just stared, and then said, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before.” You’d think with such an important-sounding job, she’d be a little smarter.
As we walked on the streets in Boston, one of my students* poked me in the arm to get my attention. I said, “I see your arm poke, and raise you two jabs to the neck.” Joking back, he said, “I see your two jabs, and raise you an Indian twist.” This went back and forth a few times, until he said, “I see your thumb-wrestle, and raise you one hearty spanking!” Wow. Boy, did that conversation came to a screeching halt.
When I eat salty food, I have a coughing fit. I have always done so, ever since babyhood. People try to pat me on the back, and I have to tell them no, it’s just the salt. You should hear me eat Tostitos. I hack & wheeze the whole time. But I put salt on everything, because I love it. Now it’s so bad, even the thought of salt makes me cough. I’m coughing as I write this! I am a freak.
Friday at Starbucks I was given a Canadian nickel for change. I gave it back to the barista and asked for a US nickel (nothing against you northerners, I just like my change to work in the soda machine, OK?). She took the Canadian nickel and threw it in the trash can. I stared at her, open-mouthed. She just stared back. The other barista was having a hissy fit over it, and yelling at her. I just stared, and then said, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before.” You’d think with such an important-sounding job, she’d be a little smarter.
As we walked on the streets in Boston, one of my students* poked me in the arm to get my attention. I said, “I see your arm poke, and raise you two jabs to the neck.” Joking back, he said, “I see your two jabs, and raise you an Indian twist.” This went back and forth a few times, until he said, “I see your thumb-wrestle, and raise you one hearty spanking!” Wow. Boy, did that conversation came to a screeching halt.
*This is the same young lad who had the beer-opener sandals; who said, in class, "it puts the lotion in the basket!**"; and who, last week, sang Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood (which, if I am not mistaken, is about sixty-nine) until I stopped him. So he is quite a character. Actually, he is me, only 14 and male.
**Click here for danceable version of "It Rubs the Lotion on its Skin"
One day on my drive I noticed a Quiznos, a Subway, and a Blimpie all within one quarter mile. What does that say about us?
Now I want a BLT. Soooooo badly, but noooo, I have to eat f***ing soup. Oh yeah, I made it. Mmmmm, yummy soup.
When I was in fourth grade, my mom and dad got called into school for a conference. It seems that I wasn’t taking school seriously enough. The proof? My friend Amy (not Amy Campbell. F*** you, Amy Campbell!) & I were writing “silly sentences” for our vocabulary. For example, “It is raining noses.” With accompanying picture of rain cloud, umbrella, and
Speaking of childhood, one of my mom’s favorite time-out spots for me & my twin sister was at the bottom of the basement stairs (one in each corner). We (well, I) discovered that if I clacked my teeth together it would resonate through the stairwell and make a really cool boooiiinnnng, boinnnng sound. I convinced my sister to join me, and we boiiiinnng boinnnnged until my mom came down and spanked our asses. It was still really cool, I think.
I don’t feel like doing any work, ever again. All I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom. Is that so wrong?
August 30, 2005
The Inner Child Pipes Up (Shut Up, You, and Get Back in the Hamper)
- When I was 6, I discovered that some rocks taste salty. I used to walk around with a fistful of small pebbles in my mouth, just for the taste. I had my own personal salt lick; I used to store them under my bed and then re-suck them on the sly, whenever I had the opportunity. Then one day, I choked on one. After my dad saved my life, he thrashed me for having rocks in my mouth and I told him I didn’t know why I did it, I just wanted to see what they might taste like this one time. My twin sister, ever vigilant, sang like a bird: “Nuh-uh, she’s lying; she does it all the time! She has a huge pile of them under the bed!”
- I don’t do it anymore; but sometimes I crave that salty cold taste and the way the quartz chipped the enamel off the inside of my baby teeth.
- When I was in second grade, I was playing Marco Polo with a girl on the playground, and I intentionally went under and behind the slide so she’d run into it; I didn’t mean for her to run into it full-on, break her glasses, and bloody her nose. I guess I didn’t exactly think it through.
- Also in second grade, I sometimes played all by myself on the playground, humming a little song and picking dandelions. I didn’t do it because I wanted to be alone. I did it so that my teachers would look at me and think about what a beautiful picture that was: "Awww, look at that. Spinning Girl picking flowers." Later on I learned that nobody was looking at me.
- In third grade, Amy Campbell untied my wrap-around skirt so that when I stood up to return my tray, my skirt fell down and the whole cafeteria saw my little briefs with the assortment of colored mushrooms all over them (what in the seven levels of Hell were those all about?!?). At least, I always blamed her; but I was never really sure whether she did it, or if it just came untied on its own. Fuck you anyway, Amy Campbell!
- Also in third grade, I got hauled out of the café by the meanest teacher in the whole school (I forget her name, but she was a bulldyke with a wicked right claw) because I laughed when she dropped her lunch tray. Laughed loudly. Guffawed, in fact, saying “it looks like she went potty on the floor!” The meal was “chopped chuck on mashed potatoes” and orange juice. Now you tell me, was I right? Yeah, I was right, goddam it.
- In third grade, whenever we watched a movie, all the girls would sit in a line and we would all doodle on each others’ backs. Because it felt good, like getting your hair played with. The teacher let us do it and never said anything. What was that creepy touch-me shit? And why didn't we ever make it a circle, so the last girl didn't get gipped?
- Third grade was a big year for me, I guess.
- Also in third grade, Jenny and I confessed that we were each other’s best friend. Then we had an awkward silence so I said, “Well ... I guess we should kiss.” So we did. She had a huge pucker, way bigger than anyone in my family, who were the only people I had kissed so far in my tender young life. After that, we went back to playing in the big refrigerator-box playhouse and forgot all about it. I have no idea what happened to her after fourth grade.
- In fourth grade, sometimes when we sat on the carpet during Story, I would find these little white pellets all over the floor. Some sort of rug freshener, maybe naphthalene? I ate them. They had a pleasant astringent quality to them. I don’t know what the fuck they were, and now I am worried that they might have given me cancer.
Thanks, Doctor, I feel much better. Can we get out of elementary school next week, maybe?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)