October 06, 2005

Purge

Time to clear the air. I've been carrying some of this stuff for a long time, and I need to spew it out so that I can go on living without this stain on my soul. Please don't judge me. All right, if you must --- go ahead.

Spinning Girl's Confessional

  • Whenever I use Miss Crazybritches' chair at work, I intentionally leave the seat at its lowest point just to bug her.
  • When people accidentally call my house instead of the Chinese restaurant (the numbers differ by one digit), I sometimes take their order.
  • Sometimes, my first words in the morning are oh, sh**
  • I stay in the shower extra long just to listen to the tinny tunes of my cheap WalMart radio.


  • I am afraid of going blind. Yet, I always wished I could read Braille.
  • And I learned sign language so I'd be ready when I went deaf.
  • I wish I had room for a piano in my house.
  • I have had vividly detailed fantasies involving at least 3 people who read my blog. Male and female.
  • Once, on a 4-hour drive, I memorized the words to "Ice, Ice, Baby".
  • I put on my pajama pants & tank top the instant I get home; on weekends & in the summer, I sometimes stay in them all day.

  • I secretly sort of like the smell of B.O.
  • When people talk to me at work, I am often secretly thinking "shut the f*** up!" or "who the f*** cares?!?" (not to you of course, my loyal work-pal readers! whew)
  • I am fascinated by Cher.
  • I often yell the "c" word (in my car) at stupid women drivers
  • Once, when a guest was in my bathroom, I had to pee so badly I went in this PEZ mug. Which I still use.

  • I have over 400 PEZ dispensers; yet I hate PEZ candy. Except peppermint.
  • When I was 7, I pulled all the legs off a Daddy Long Legs and then put the remaining torso on the hot hood of my dad's Pinto and watched his 2 little jaws flailing.
  • I am afraid that I will reincarnate as a Daddy Long Legs.
  • I have secretly flipped off a sixth grader behind my desk. It felt great.
  • Tonight for dinner I had a dish of hummus and a Diet Coke, in front of my computer screen.

  • I once drank a screwdriver for breakfast. On a Tuesday morning. Before work.
  • I once wrote "you parked too close" on a car window in Sharpie.
  • I once had a crush on the owner of a BBQ restaurant so I sent him a napkin that said "Roses are red, honey is sweet; I don't keep coming here just for the meat!" and my phone number. He never called; I can't imagine why.
  • Sometimes I wake up in the night and I am really afraid that I will die a childless old maid.
  • I have given the finger to a school bus driver and a 5-year-old on a bike with training wheels.
  • I have never intentionally stolen anything, but I did tell a really big lie once.

Oh, I feel so much better. That'll be $75.

And a disclaimer I learned from Kris:

Only one of these confessions isn't the truth.

26 comments:

ginonymous said...

my bro and i like to use the phrase "See you next tuesday!" (smile and wave at victim as curse is delivered..) victim believes you're being friendly, often smiling and waving back, and you've just called them the c-word right in front of god and everyone. try it sometime. it's liberating!

(see = c, you = u, next = n, etc.)

babyjewels said...

I do not judge. I only feel closer to you. Although the daddy long legs one scared me a little. And the worse fate is to come back as the pinto.

I'm betting that you don't really take the chinese food orders. Please tell me you're gonna tell us which one?

Juliabohemian said...

it had better be the Ice Ice Baby one...that's unforgivable.

LBseahag said...

Hmmm...seems to me Mr. BBQ Restaurant had some great moo goo gai pan that night....
10 years later he has been Customer of the Month at Twin Dragon Restaurant 5 times...

Madge said...

I think I would like to drink a screwdriver before work tomorrow. You have given me a fabulous idea. And it is fun to secretly flip off the children, isn't it? Ahhhhh.

Calzone said...

Boozebag cup urinator. I like you way more than yesterday and I liked you a lot then.

Sis B said...

SG, I was sitting on my couch, just last night, thinking about how going deaf and blind. I, too, have learned sign language in case I lose my hearing. And I too, wish to learn Braille, but I have a numbing fear of being blind.

Oh, and sweaty, hardworking man B.O. kicks ass.

B.O.B.I. said...

The B.O. I can sorta guess. It's kind of a masochistic thing, no? You just HAVE to smell it. Just one more whiff.

::SNIFF::

It takes me places.

::SNNNIIIIFFF::

My nose is bleeding.

::SNNNNOOOORRRRRRTTT::

Where are my legs!?!?

I dunno if I could do that PEZ thing. I don't care if urine is sterile, it jes' ain' raht, hear?

I frequently give people the finger when they can't see me. Under the table, behind the wheel, in my pocket, around a corner... whatever works. It feels gooooood.

I dunno about the piano, but I wish you had a room in your house for me. That would rock.

B.O.B.I. said...

Oh, yeah, and I, too, frequently changed into "relaxed clothes" as soon as I enter the door.

Unfortunately for nearby persons, this usually entails nothing more than boxer shorts.

/shrug

Whatev.

Henri Banks said...

Oooh deary that was a post you made today.facinated that you write so manny words and i realy understood everything.When i see your feet on the pajama pic and your hand on the pezpiss mug i see you have the same nail color :-)
...................................and i like to order 1 shopsuey with rice and a dieet coke pleace
..................................and tell us more about your vividly detailed fantasies

Freiya said...

Is it wrong that i'm impressed and not shocked by these confessions?

any customers that come into my shop and push my buttons ( in a bad way obviously ) will inevitably get both mouthed obsenities and the finger. Not to their stupid faces though, i also opt for the more subtle behind the back approach.

Ben O. said...

They should sell screwdrivers at Mcdonalds. They would probably go wonderfully with an egg mcmuffin.

Ben O.

Heather said...

It was me wasnt it? You fantasized about me.. its okay. I fantasize about you too :0

BadGod said...

I once shit myself when I was 6 months old on purpose, just to piss off my mom!

I feel terrible.

Cap'n Marrrrk said...

Wow. No negative judgements this end. Only positive ones. You are too cool for school Miss SG! If you were in the Midwest I'd be begging to hang out with you in real life.

I think the untruth is that you have never stolen anything intentionally.

Anyone who would write on a car window with a sharpie, would (for reasons of her own), snatch something from someone. Perhaps because it was shiny. Still no negative judgement.

Fantasies eh? I'll bet there was one where you were a pirate lass, plundering the Spanish Main with Cap'n Marrrrrk.

FRITZ said...

This is a great list. I feel inspired to do a confession of my own. Terrific stuff.

Please blog Tennyson. I'll blog ee cumming right back 'atcha.

Oh, and about being able to take me? I don't know...I'm a pretty strong chick...

FRITZ said...

Oh, I have a piano. Come over and we'll play sometime.

Walt said...

I'm guessing I am fascinated by Cher. or Sometimes I wake up in the night and I am really afraid that I will die a childless old maid....

UberGoober said...

I'll never eat PEZ again. EVER!

canis lupus said...

Another timeless Vanilla Ice reference. Sweet. You a childless old maid? Balderdash. Seems like I took the wrong lifetime to give up polygamy. Thanks for the radio pic, I think I just found what my bathroom is missing. Note to self: should I ever visit Spinning Girl, beware of the PEZ cup. But then again ... Um, no. But wait ... Um, really no. Talking stray Chinese orders. Pure brilliance. Something to relay to my fiancee in the city. She gets lots of those too. Tank tops and pajama pants ... pure bliss. Well, for me its dark t-shirts and sweatpants.

Just had to say hi. Cara mia.

Monkey said...

This is a gorgeous list! I see at least 11 things on it that I myself have done. I'm going to read it again. So liberating! (Although I didn't pee in a cup, I went outside into the backyard.)

We had a number one digit off the pizza parlor, and took orders all the time! Oh yes indeed.

Sleep Goblin said...

I too have a secret stink fetish if you will. Like at the petting zoo today, I was happy to smell animal stink.

Pirate said...

Now that the air is clear. This confessional may be your only saving grace. The poem to the BBQ owner might have been taken that you don't want the "Meat". No wonder he didn't call. I have no doubt you are attarctive and all but most men don't want to go to the game if they no their team is going to lose. They might tape it though.

Bobby said...

people used to call my house, thinking I was an eye doctor. After much abuse, and with me trying to be nice, I started accepting and making appointments.

I even took the complaints when their appt was messed up later. I would complain about the lousy help at the front desk, and let people know I would be firing them promptly.

Don't feel bad at all. I can still break out an Ice Ice Baby once in a while. (That's probably the one that isn't true, heh heh.)

jamwall said...

"When people accidentally call my house instead of the Chinese restaurant (the numbers differ by one digit), I sometimes take their order."

i'll order some wan-tons and some egg rolls, thanks!

"When people talk to me at work, I am often secretly thinking "shut the f*** up!" or "who the f*** cares?!?" (not to you of course, my loyal work-pal readers! whew)"

try working as a computer desktop support guy, i scream much harsher words in my head.

"Once, when a guest was in my bathroom, I had to pee so badly I went in this PEZ mug. Which I still use."

in the even that i become a guest in your house, are there any other "pee-cups" around the house that you're using for drinking?

"I once wrote "you parked too close" on a car window in Sharpie."

that was you??????

"I have given the finger to a school bus driver and a 5-year-old on a bike with training wheels."

might as well get the kid acclimated to real-world traffic sign language.

BeeGee969 said...

I'm afraid that I might have been even a little more vindictive. I came home fo my apartment from teaching a class from 6:00 p.m. until midnight (You should NEVER doubt how good an instructor I was--in all the months I taught computer programming in that unGodly time slot, I had only ONE nodder), and found a car parked in the middle of the driveway, blocking access to the parking lot. At the same time, I also had a really strong need to take a pee. I didn't have a Pez cup, but this buttwipe's car was unlocked, so .... I'm guessing that if anybody still has that car, they have a souvenir of me every hot day.