August 04, 2006

Diapers and Cousins and Chipmunks, oh my. (a random memory)

I had to change my nephew’s diaper today, because he was making the throaty groany inhale that he makes when he has a load of crap in his pants. I make the same sound whenever I whack my anus on something, which is often, or when I have a case of DHF (Dirty Hiney Feeling). Why does an uncomfortable sensation in the anal region cause one to make this sound? You know the sound. It’s like the mating call of a walrus, only higher pitched and more frantic. Here is what it looks like on paper:
HHHHHHHYYYYYYUUUUUYYYYYYYYCCHHHYYYYUUUUU. It’s the same sounds you make when you are choking on a grape or when you catch your roommate on all fours on the futon with your boyfriend standing behind him.

Speaking of butts, I had the great fortune of seeing all my cousins together at a family barbecue lately.

End of story.

Not really. So I saw my cousins, and I was reminded of a recent Blogville conversation that I won’t go into here. Anyhow, long ago on vacation my cousins and I used to play a game called “John and Maria”, which was sort of like a soap opera that never ended, which involved the love affair between two characters, whose names I don’t remember. Anyhow, there wasn’t much of a plot. It mostly involved one cousin lying on top of another cousin and pretending that we were “making love with each other” (my cousin’s words, not mine). The thing I remember most vividly about this is that I usually played John, which meant I had to wear a pinecone or a golf ball down the front of my shorts. ’Cause I was the boy, you know.

When I asked my cousin if she remembered this game, she looked at me like I was completely crazy, which leads me to believe I made the whole thing up in my head to distract myself from and suppress the more horrifying memory of trying to give my newfound friend Philip a nut and getting bitten on the finger. Then Philip ran and hid under the woodpile, and wouldn’t come out no matter how many times I called. I never saw him again.


11 comments:

Freewheel said...

Wow, SG. I'd comment on your post, but I really don't know where to begin. Maybe I'll come back and comment after the stun gun sensation wears off.

Kat said...

the last time I found pinecones funny was on Rick Mercer's talking to Americans. This...pretty funny too with a touch of uncomfortable...but that's probably par for the course if there's a pine cone down your pants.

Osbasso said...

I'm with wheel. So much to say, no idea where to start. Truly fine form with this one!

BadGod said...

....................
uh.......wow.

Anyone else jerkin off right now?

Or is it just me?

Bill said...

I wish someone would change my drawers when I've got DHF. Of the sorrows that haunt us in this life, I'm convinced the bum is responsible for the majority.

And it's compounded my noisy exhalations of a noxious nature. The bastard!

miss kendra said...

she probably remembers and is just pretending she's too good for a dry hump.

what she doesn't know is that no one is too good for a dry hump.

Spinning Girl said...

Just telling it like it happened.
BG, It's always just you.

B.E. Earl said...

A golf ball?

I have no response to that.

DaMasta said...

Not just you, Badgod.


Not just you.

BadGod said...

Why am I always the one who has to be different?

Madge said...

Golf balls and pine cones?
I wish I would have known you then. I'd have let you in on a little secret: socks. So. Much. Softer. Same effect.