August 08, 2005

I'm Curvy Enough Without This Aggravation

Usually I don’t really feel like going to the gym, but it gives me a nice routine to follow that’s fairly mindless. I like to vary my exercise: a huge walk or bike ride one day, Pilates the next, then yoga, and Curves maybe once a week.
I just can’t seem to do more than that because …

Curves gets on my nerves.

I like the idea of Curves, because I don’t want to think and count reps. I like being told what to do—which explains why I get into relationships with guys who think it’s OK for them to say, “get your ass over here” and “make me some dinner.” So I like that a soothing woman’s voice tells me to “Change Stations Now!” every 35 seconds. 2-3 times around the circuit and you can bounce a quarter off my taut abs. And I can go home.

But there are things about my particular Curves that get on my nerves. Here’s the short list, because if you got the unedited script that continually loops in my head, you’d click “next blog” before I was halfway done.

1. First of all, it’s not about developing curves per se, it’s about building strength. Curves, we got aplenty, at least from what I see here in Quaintville. I’m talking acreage of curves, all over. In fact, I’m going to petition to rename my Curves Fupas instead.

2. The chick with the no bra; I refer to my previous post from the failed meditation.

3. The patriotic music CD that they keep playing; the Tuesday-Thursday afternoon crowd of 50-somethings really love this CD and I am outvoted. I usually have to leave and come back later because I can’t work out to The Star Spangled Banner and My Country 'Tis Of Thee!

4. The other CD that’s all wordless dance music, including that annoying doo doot doo doot doo doo doo that
this guy dances to.

5. All the gabbing. There’s one notorious pair of ladies who gab through the whole workout, yelling across the circle to each other (our machines are arranged in a Farmer-in-the-Dell-ish friend circle). I now have learned that one of them has Crohn’s Disease; the other one has a daughter who eloped with a much older college professor, and that they share a love of sparkly yarns. Yawn!

6. People who try to engage me in conversation; I just want to stare straight ahead and fight off my own encroaching fupa, thank you so much.

7. My particular Curves owner is way too watchful. When I skipped a month and a half (I was having a small breakdown and consoling myself with
Ben & Jerry’s Mint Oreo ice cream, so fuck off), I received a “we miss you!” postcard in the mail. Go away! [she says, digging for the mother lode: a WHOLE Oreo (Side note: Has that every happened for you? Hello, can we say oreogasm?!?)] I'll come back when I feel like it.

8. The owner’s female “friend” is a Pulse Nazi. You’re supposed to stop & take a 10-second pulse count every so often, whenever The Voice of Oz commands. Some people work out right through it; I know I have, like when I just started my workout and I’m pretty sure I didn’t get up to Optimal Heart Rate in 2 minutes. Especially on that waist-bendy machine that does nothing. Especially when I’m not even trying (the trouble with hydraulics is, you get out what you put in…and sometimes I just don’t feel like putting in, ya know?). Anyhow. Pulse Nazi actually STOPS the music, and says,


and she is rather scary; so -- sheeplike -- we all do. Except me. I stop and put my fingers on my neck and practice Blues Travelers’ Hook inside my head; I’ve almost got it down: “suck it in, suck it in, suck it in, if you’re Rin-Tin-Tin, or Anne Boleyn…

Then the disembodied voice says, “resume exercising now!” and we all follow.
Baaa baaa …

9. What’s up with no manly presence at this gym? The butch chick with the mullet next to me doesn’t count, although she does keep glancing at my bouncing nips. What’s that? Oh, I see … Curves for Women. Gotcha.

10. If I travel, which in the summer is a lot, I have to go through this whole complicated procedure to get a visitor's pass to work out at another Curves at my destination. I practically have to give blood. Luckily, O+ is the most desired blood type and that’ll come in handy when I go on my rampage.

A list of 10 is nice & tidy, so I won’t add #11 except as an afterthought: Whassup with closing every day from 12-3:30? How inconvenient!

Oops, speaking of which, will you just look at the time—gotta go.


canis lupus said...

And this is a gym you voluntarily go to. Oh you poor soul. Sounds like something I would see in this old British comedy called 'Allo 'Allo. Read your stuff about wolves. Sweet. There was a story awhile back where some coyote (I think in CT) had swooped up a chihuahua and had it not been for the dog's electrified boundary collar, Senor Taco Bell would have been nothing more than compost.
PS. Nothing's wrong with a bit of curves on a woman.

JJ said...

The weird hours and endless repetition drove MLA to quit the place. She started up with some sort of Israeli military training. She hasn't lost any weight but she can kill a man 16 different ways with her bare hands.

charlie said...

girl, i always wondered what the inside of those places looked like, have you ever been to a real gym. you might find that more fascinating.

speaking of, i am so fascinated that you referenced fupa in your post, i have been a long admirer of the term. your use of it make you uber fabu. that does not occur often honey.

have you considered pole dancing--quite a workout honey.

she's got all the cirves a man likes.

tolbs said...

"4. The other CD that’s all wordless dance music, including that annoying doo doot doo doot doo doo doo that this guy dances to."

!!!!!!!!! I just exploded in laughter.

Pulse Nazi for the win!

amygeekgrl said...

LOL at working out to the patriotic cd. Despite your post being ridiculously funny, the whole Curves experience sounds pretty creepy if you ask me. :oP

My mom goes to Curves and loves it and is always quick to point out Curves whenever she goes to a new city. "Oh, look, there's a Curves! I can go workout." There's something amusing about that to me.

BadGod said...

Oh. My. God. Spin Girl said "bouncing nips". ha.

Am I the only one who found that list, well, hot?

captain_howdy_girl said...

"we miss you"
That is so cheesy, I would be pissed.

Leigh Yung Lee said...

This piece about Curves has just cracked me up beyond belief. It also has me thinking--A LOT. Mainly, it has me obsessed. (Just an aside, I must say i love the reference to the Urban Dictionary.) About being obsessed, I keep wondering if I am developing a FUPA. When and how does one creep up upon you? Do you know when it does? Does it give any warning signal? Or do I have to keep checking (as i have been doing since reading this post) about 7 times an hour to see if i have developed one or am in the midst of developing one? I am a daily gym-goer (and after reading this I am thankful that I do not attend the ever-popular Curves), but I get the sense that anyone can develop a FUPA. Wait...i just have to right back. seems fine for now. If I were you, I would disregard the suggestions of people who tell you to join another gym because Curves sounds like a gym AND entertainment all in one! You know what I bet would be really quite fun??...If you brought your friend who went to the NA meeting to Curves with you...that friend you had the sleepover with... that friend sounds like a riot. Hey, does she have a Fupa?

Spinning Girl said...

No, she doesn't (I checked while she was sleeping).

Chark Hammis said...

That and all Curves are strip-mall nail salon turned ghetto-fantastic treadmill holders.

Daniel said...

From the looks of that picture, doesn't seem anyone uses that gym.

Is there such a thing as a gym just for men? Or is that just called a bathhouse?

Oh and how do I know you again?

JODSTER said...

i go to a men's version of curves, set in a boxing ring. Every 30 seconds a bell is going off and some bone head keeps telling me, "YOU CAN DO IT. IT ONLY TAKES 20 MINUTES!"

I just want to kick the crap out of the stereo speakers...

Rowan said...

yeah sister I too am o+