10 Years Today

This is a repost, marking 10 years since I decided to give up my little alcohol habit.

Disclaimer: This post isn’t meant to be funny. These things are only funny to me because they are all true, because I did them, and because I salvaged my poor gin-soaked soul on August 6, 2003. If you think you might have a problem, consider these points or take this quiz. I took it 14 times before I realized that cheating on the answers didn’t make them any less true.

Image respectfully borrowed from BeerStuff

You Might Have a Teensy Weensy Problem With Alcohol If…

• You make three separate trips to the recycling center because you don’t want anyone to see how many bottles you have, but you still care about the earth.
• You carry your trash really carefully when your landlord is around, so he doesn't hear the clinking.
• You remember drinking 1 bottle of chardonnay, but in the morning you see 3 empty ones.
• You go to at least 3 different liquor stores because you don't want to be seen going so often; nevertheless, all the owners cheerfully greet you by name.
• You drunk-dial your friends and then tell them the same story several times, in almost the exact same words. When they call you on it, you say, "oh, I've told this story so many times I don't remember who I told it to." (this doesn't work very well when it's the same person, in the same phone call)
• You make elaborate plans with friends and family, and then don’t remember a word. The next day, when your friend says, “so what time should I come over?” you pretend you know all about it to cover your ass. Later, when your other friend calls (with whom you also made plans), you cancel because of an “appointment you forgot you had”.
• Your first words in the morning, every morning for 2+ years, are “Oh, shit ... not again.”
• Your coworkers ask you why you look so tired, or if you are sick (answer: both). Your answer: trouble sleeping (also true).
• You wake up at 3 AM every night in a shame spiral, and wonder how & when you got to this point. You’re an intelligent, beautiful, self-aware woman, dammit—you can’t be a drunk! (you can be both; nobody sets out to have this affliction on purpose, ya know. Duh.) (By the way I sometimes dream that I went on a drinking binge & wake up feeling utter despair at having failed, then relief that I’m still OK. And if I did fail, I hope I’d have the strength to pick up where I left off).
• You bring your own magnum of chardonnay to the party because they probably don’t have what you want (or enough of it); you offer to open it for the hostess. You drink most of it.
• You order a whole bottle of wine at a bar and the bartendress keeps it on ice for you and all the friends you intend to share it with. Most of them don’t have any.
• You decide that a mandarin Absolut & tonic (m.a.t.) is OK at 10 AM; it’s citrusy, like orange juice. That's breakfast, right?
• You decide that grocery shopping is so much more fun with a buzz on, so you have one m.a.t. for breakfast & then put one in a sippy cup for the road.
• The following activities are drinking triggers: talking on the phone, sitting at the computer, watching TV, driving home from work. Also breathing, eating, sleeping.
• You’ve rationalized that you’d better switch to vodka since it doesn’t smell (as much—enough of anything and your sweat still smells like skid row).
• You lie to your best friend on the phone that the reason your speech is slurred is because you are wearing a Crest White Strips on your teeth.
• You decide to drink only on weekends, then drink on a Thursday because that’s close.
• You decide to drink every other day, and then fail after 2 days.
• You decide not to drink one morning, and then change your mind on the drive home. You haven’t done it yet, you could still stop it, but having made the decision in your mind it is already too late. This yet-unacted-upon weakness fills you with despair.
• You decide to drink just 2 glasses of wine, but glass 3.5 kills the bottle (you have biiiig glasses), so why stop? Wine goes bad if it sits.
• Wine never goes bad in your house.
• You wonder aloud about your drinking habits with all of your drinking friends, and say things like, “it’s not as if I’d drink something else if there were no wine in the house” (this was before I discovered the m.a.t. and the no-smell-vodka secret)
• There is always wine in the house.
• You actually think to yourself, who needs friends when I have this?
• You choose a night home with a DVD and 2 bottles of wine over a night out with friends (rationalization: cheaper, and then I don't have to drive drunk).
• You wonder aloud whether a life without wine in it is even possible. All those dinners out, and no wine? (it is possible, and the peace of mind that comes from a sober life far exceeds the enjoyment of a fine chardonnay. Although sometimes I still imagine the molten-gold flavor of it going down my throat, and I feel a lust unlike anything I’ve ever felt).
• You finally resolve to quit drinking, but you can’t “officially” quit until all the booze in the house is gone, so you make a list of everything you need to consume, including that nasty bottle of Pimm's and the Smuggler whiskey your dad brought over for a party once (happy ending: upon realizing the huge volumes I’d have to consume, I gave all my top-shelf vodkas, gins, scotches & rums to a friend for her huge summer bash, and poured the rest of it down the toilet on August 7, 2003. Funny, I didn’t feel bad about wasting it, even though I was raised not to waste nutrients. I figured those kids in Africa didn’t need to become boozehounds).
• You check out the AA website, just to see what it’s all about.
• [UPDATE] You taste a tiny tiny sip of your husband's drink sometimes, mostly to remind yourself that you can't have it, you are never safe around it.  When you taste, it flows into you like a river of golden lava and awakes a craving so deep and complete that you know, really know, that you are only well because you are not having it and oh, what a slippery slope this is ... truly, in one day it could all be undone by going down this path.  So you just touch the path with your toe for the reminder, and then pull it back to safety. Tickle the sleeping tiger, then pull your hand back to watch it very closely, lest it fix its gaze upon you.

[note: I am not made uncomfortable in any way by the mention of alcohol, the presence of it, or when my friends around me order it at the dinner table. I am happy to discuss it and proud of my sobriety. It’s not a word that needs to be whispered, like cancer or prison. I am not offended by anyone’s drunken audio post, or mention of drunkenness in this virtual (or any other) world. The only thing that upsets me is when I meet/see people who are obvious alcoholics; not because I judge them but because I know the place they are in, and it is not a good place. I questioned my drinking for 8 years, and experienced out-of-control drinking for about a year and a half before I stopped. I still question exactly how I got to that point. I can only hope that suffering alcoholics find solid ground, as I did. Thank you for reading.]

Repost: 100 things. I love reposting this because of #36-37, because I married him.

1. My first language was Estonian. I still speak, read & write it. All the time!
2. I didn't really speak English until I went to kindergarten,
3. where I learned the word "soon" and thought it meant one o'clock.
4. I thought this until I was 11 years old.
5. Because it rhymes with "noon", you see?
6. My twin sister Twirling Girl has always, always been there.
7. I don’t know what I would do without her.
8. My baby sister Tuuna Taco is my other best friend.
9. My parents are some of the best people I know,
10. And I don't tell them enough, so I am telling them now.
11. Since they read my blog.
12. Which sort of censors me, but that is probably a good thing.
13. I can be gross at your blogs, right?
14. I worry that if I ever meet any of you, you will discover that I am not really as pretty as the persona I have created
15. although I have begun to think of myself as "Spinning Girl" and would probably answer to it if someone called to me.
16. Sometimes I get terribly lonely.
17. Often, I love being alone & doing what I want, when I want.
18. I need to tune my piano so that I can play it.
19. I need to clean my chimney so that I can make bigger fires without fearing that I am going to start a chimney fire.
20. Some pieces of music are so beautiful to me that I cannot contain the emotion I feel when I hear them, and I just cry.
21. I can’t stand most of the music I hear on the radio.
22. There are some exceptions.
23. I have an almost unholy obsession with Yellow Ledbetter and every time I hear those first few hesitant guitar notes, I smile with glee.
24. I had a small alcohol problem once.
25. By small, I mean that it had a short life. Maybe two years of really drinking in a way I felt was out of control.
26. Plus 15 years of wondering if maybe I drank a little too much?
27. I gave up the booze on August 6, 2003.
28. In March of 2004 I drank 3 bottles of wine by myself and scared myself so much that I never want to drink again.
29. In July of 2006 I accidentally took a giant swig of my cousin’s vodka tonic, but only because our cups were identical and it really was by accident.
30. If I drink on purpose, I am afraid I will not stop, ever.
31. I still get mad that something so fun could turn into something so bad, but I’m OK with it and I don’t miss it. It just pisses me off that alcohol was such a mean trickster bastard.
32. I become smitten very easily.
33. Recently I was smitten with someone in my grad class.
34. But he never called when he said he would, so I had my answer.
35. That’s too bad, because I still find him really attractive even though I don’t talk to him much.
36. I am also completely infatuated with Jamwall, even though we have never met, because he gets me and we feed off each other’s sick humor in a truly exhilarating way.
37. Right now, I am imagining Jamwall naked.
38. Are you?
39. Someday, I hope to spend a weekend with him, romping through a condiment village that we have built together.
40. Sometimes I am perfectly happy with my life the way it has gone thus far.
41. But I am always ready for the next big, good thing.
42. I would like to be a mom, though not necessarily give birth.
43. Maybe I just need a pony!
44. Or a dog, a non-pooping dog.
45. Having to pick up shit is the one major thing keeping me from getting a dog.
46. Sharing my living space with a box of urine and shit and giant hair balls is what is keeping me from getting a cat.
47. I had the most amazing cat once, and he will never be equaled.
48. I fear the spider, but only once it has reached a certain size.
49. Spiders of Acceptable Size (SAS) are allowed to live freely in my home.
50. Spiders of Unacceptable Size – SUS-- are thrown outside, not killed, unless they are huge or move very fast.
51. I would probably go crazy if I woke up and discovered an SUS clinging to the tip of my nose with all 8 of its legs.
52. I can honestly say that I love my job.
53. It is like a dream. A job cannot be this perfect, can it?!?!?
54. I sometimes fear becoming debilitated and unable to teach anymore; what would I do then?!?!?
55. I don’t spend much time fearing the future though.
56. Most of my fears are fleeting thoughts, lucky me.
57. Maybe I am stupidly optimistic. That is fine with me.
58. I take life’s little luxuries very seriously.
59. My bed.
60. My coffee.
61. That’s a short list, but those are the two biggies.
62. When I was a child, my favorite place to visit was my grandparents’ house in upstate New York.
63. Sometimes we had to weed the garden, and we had to finish before we could swim.
64. This taught me self-discipline and delayed gratification.
65. I used to pretend I was a poor little slave girl, weeding my little row of carrots in the blazing hot sun.
66. Nothing equals the bliss of a cold swim after you have been sweating in the blazing hot sun.
67. There was (is) a spring-fed pond on my grandparents’ back property.
68. It is stocked with fish that were caught elsewhere & put there by my family.
69. They have lived & multiplied there for 50 years.
70. I used to catch grasshoppers in the meadow and then feed them to the fish.
71. I used to be very good at catching grasshoppers; the most I ever caught was 72.
72. Grasshoppers!!!
73. I fear that one day a swarm of locusts will land on me, as payback.
74. This fear, however, is fleeting.
75. When my family sells my grandparents’ house, I don’t think I will be as sad as I was over the past 10 years, watching it decline from what it once was.
76. Nothing gold can stay.
77. I hope that my parents’ home becomes that way for their grandchildren ... a really special place where you can always go and be happy.
78. I believe it is really important to listen to children and not try to spank too much of their personalities out of them.
79. Like the boy who made the grappling hook; it made me really happy to see that.
80. I can think of 5 teachers off the top of my head who would have said, “put that stupid toy away.”
81. Of course, I teach science, and can justify “allowing” a homemade grappling hook in my classroom.
82. It scares me how little science some people know.
83. I’m a little bit obsessed with Carl Sagan, and rightly so.
84. Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors is one of my favorite books of all time.
85. I should read it again soon. I tend to reread books I love several times.
86. I have read Lord of the Rings at least 22 times from start to finish, plus countless times of reading just certain parts.
87. For me, rereading a good book is like visiting a place that I love.
88. When I want to escape for a while, I go to Middle Earth.
89. I’m OK with being a total geek.
90. I have amazing tits, so I can get away with it.
91. Are you imagining my tits right now?
92. Go ahead, then. I am OK with being objectified by you.
93. Shit, I forgot about my parents reading this.
94. Sorry mom and dad, sometimes I say dirty things to be funny.
95. Dirty and funny is one of my favorite combinations.
96. Wow, 100 is a lot.
97. I might have dyslexia because I often reverse “tomorrow” and “yesterday” in my speech, regardless of what language I am speaking. I think those two concepts got stored incorrectly in my Wernicke.
98. I am a huge procrastinator, and I did this instead of grading papers.
99. I always feel better after a good day of procrastinating.
100. I’ll feel even better later when I get that shit done. Thank you for reading!

I felt like a repost, so ...

100 Things


1. My first language was Estonian. I still speak, read & write it. All the time!
2. I didn't really speak English until I went to kindergarten,
3. where I learned the word "soon" and thought it meant one o'clock.
4. I thought this until I was 11 years old.
5. Because it rhymes with "soon", you see?
6. My twin sister Twirling Girl has always, always been there.
7. I don’t know what I would do without her.
8. My baby sister Tuuna Taco is my other best friend.
9. My parents are some of the best people I know,
10. And I don't tell them enough, so I am telling them now.
11. Since they read my blog.
12. Which sort of censors me, but that is probably a good thing.
13. I can be gross at your blogs, right?
14. I worry that if I ever meet any of you, you will discover that I am not really as pretty as the persona I have created
15. although I have begun to think of myself as "Spinning Girl" and would probably answer to it if someone called to me.
16. Sometimes I get terribly lonely.
17. Often, I love being alone & doing what I want, when I want.
18. I need to tune my piano so that I can play it.
19. I need to clean my chimney so that I can make bigger fires without fearing that I am going to start a chimney fire.
20. Some pieces of music are so beautiful to me that I cannot contain the emotion I feel when I hear them, and I just cry.
21. I can’t stand most of the music I hear on the radio.
22. There are some exceptions.
23. I have an almost unholy obsession with Yellow Ledbetter and every time I hear those first few hesitant guitar notes, I smile with glee.
24. I had a small alcohol problem once.
25. By small, I mean that it had a short life. Maybe two years of really drinking in a way I felt was out of control.
26. Plus 15 years of wondering if maybe I drank a little too much?
27. I gave up the booze on August 6, 2003.
28. In March of 2004 I drank 3 bottles of wine by myself and scared myself so much that I never want to drink again.
29. In July of 2006 I accidentally took a giant swig of my cousin’s vodka tonic, but only because our cups were identical and it really was by accident.
30. If I drink on purpose, I am afraid I will not stop, ever.
31. I still get mad that something so fun could turn into something so bad, but I’m OK with it and I don’t miss it. It just pisses me off that alcohol was such a mean trickster bastard.
32. I become smitten very easily.
33. Recently I was smitten with someone in my grad class.
34. But he never called when he said he would, so I had my answer.
35. That’s too bad, because I still find him really attractive even though I don’t talk to him much.
36. I am also completely infatuated with Jamwall, even though we have never met, because he gets me and we feed off each other’s sick humor in a truly exhilarating way.
37. Right now, I am imagining Jamwall naked.
38. Are you?
39. Someday, I hope to spend a weekend with him, romping through a condiment village that we have built together.
40. Sometimes I am perfectly happy with my life the way it has gone thus far.
41. But I am always ready for the next big, good thing.
42. I would like to be a mom, though not necessarily give birth.
43. Maybe I just need a pony!
44. Or a dog, a non-pooping dog.
45. Having to pick up shit is the one major thing keeping me from getting a dog.
46. Sharing my living space with a box of urine and shit and giant hair balls is what is keeping me from getting a cat.
47. I had the most amazing cat once, and he will never be equaled.
48. I fear the spider, but only once it has reached a certain size.
49. Spiders of Acceptable Size (SAS) are allowed to live freely in my home.
50. Spiders of Unacceptable Size – SUS-- are thrown outside, not killed, unless they are huge or move very fast.
51. I would probably go crazy if I woke up and discovered an SUS clinging to the tip of my nose with all 8 of its legs.
52. I can honestly say that I love my job.
53. It is like a dream. A job cannot be this perfect, can it?!?!?
54. I sometimes fear becoming debilitated and unable to teach anymore; what would I do then?!?!?
55. I don’t spend much time fearing the future though.
56. Most of my fears are fleeting thoughts, lucky me.
57. Maybe I am stupidly optimistic. That is fine with me.
58. I take life’s little luxuries very seriously.
59. My bed.
60. My coffee.
61. That’s a short list, but those are the two biggies.
62. When I was a child, my favorite place to visit was my grandparents’ house in upstate New York.
63. Sometimes we had to weed the garden, and we had to finish before we could swim.
64. This taught me self-discipline and delayed gratification.
65. I used to pretend I was a poor little slave girl, weeding my little row of carrots in the blazing hot sun.
66. Nothing equals the bliss of a cold swim after you have been sweating in the blazing hot sun.
67. There was (is) a spring-fed pond on my grandparents’ back property.
68. It is stocked with fish that were caught elsewhere & put there by my family.
69. They have lived & multiplied there for 50 years.
70. I used to catch grasshoppers in the meadow and then feed them to the fish.
71. I used to be very good at catching grasshoppers; the most I ever caught was 72.
72. Grasshoppers!!!
73. I fear that one day a swarm of locusts will land on me, as payback.
74. This fear, however, is fleeting.
75. When my family sells my grandparents’ house, I don’t think I will be as sad as I was over the past 10 years, watching it decline from what it once was.
76. Nothing gold can stay.
77. I hope that my parents’ home becomes that way for their grandchildren ... a really special place where you can always go and be happy.
78. I believe it is really important to listen to children and not try to spank too much of their personalities out of them.
79. Like the boy who made the grappling hook; it made me really happy to see that.
80. I can think of 5 teachers off the top of my head who would have said, “put that stupid toy away.”
81. Of course, I teach science, and can justify “allowing” a homemade grappling hook in my classroom.
82. It scares me how little science some people know.
83. I’m a little bit obsessed with Carl Sagan, and rightly so.
84. Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors is one of my favorite books of all time.
85. I should read it again soon. I tend to reread books I love several times.
86. I have read Lord of the Rings at least 22 times from start to finish, plus countless times of reading just certain parts.
87. For me, rereading a good book is like visiting a place that I love.
88. When I want to escape for a while, I go to Middle Earth.
89. I’m OK with being a total geek.
90. I have amazing tits, so I can get away with it.
91. Are you imagining my tits right now?
92. Go ahead, then. I am OK with being objectified by you.
93. Shit, I forgot about my parents reading this.
94. Sorry mom and dad, sometimes I say dirty things to be funny.
95. Dirty and funny is one of my favorite combinations.
96. Wow, 100 is a lot.
97. I might have dyslexia because I often reverse “tomorrow” and “yesterday” in my speech, regardless of what language I am speaking. I think those two concepts got stored incorrectly in my Wernicke.
98. I am a huge procrastinator, and I did this instead of grading papers.
99. I always feel better after a good day of procrastinating.
100. I’ll feel even better later when I get that shit done. Thank you for reading!

Ready for Auction

At choir camp, we have a silent auction. Last year, I just contributed a Black & Decker coffee grinder. This year, I decided to make a wine-cork corkboard. I also attached some pewter wine-themed pushpins. I'm quite happy with the results, and it only took one hour!

The frame for this corkboard, as well as other wine gifts, can be purchased at Wine Enthusiast. A few years ago I fancied myself a wine enthusiast; really it turned out I was just really enthusiastic about drinking it. I still enjoy making the corkboards, and I always ask for corks when I go out to dinner. I also have a few suppliers in my family, who store them up for me and then mail them to me.

As hobbies go, this one is quite fun, and in a very short time you can have a beautiful object!

Unconscious Mutterings 190

1. Bell ::


2. Abuse ::


3. Relief ::


4. List ::


5. Concern ::


6. Absolute ::


7. Cling ::


8. Dump ::


9. Terminate ::


10. Wine ::

Unconscious Mutterings 180

1. Video ::
2. Fantasy ::
3. Homework ::
4. Crush ::
5. Late ::
6. Husband ::
7. Soccer ::
8. Wine ::
9. Before ::
10. Romantic ::

Skumbag welcome to my Bluq!

This post idea came from my dad. Take a piece of your text and run it through several iterations of the Google Translator. It's like The Telephone Game, only by yourself. I am quite pleased with the results!

Original Text (from one of my favorite rants; a post entitled Check Out This Asshat)

Your truck is your baby? Washing & waxing it is your major activity in life? You obviously have PDS (penis of diminutive size), or you would get a real hobby, like physics or rugby. You web-surf in your basement?!? How much kiddie porn do you actually have on your hard drive? Is it because your mom is upstairs watching Ellen reruns and you don't want to disturb her? Is it because you want to keep an eye on your death's-head moths to make sure they don't escape to the outside world? Anyways? Anyways?!?!? What are you, 6 and three-quarters?!? Next you'll tell me that I'm not the boss of you. Grabbing your master's degree? Yeah, that's the terminology we use in post-graduate studies. Did I mention I yanked a second master's a few years ago, and will one day pluck a PhD? Fuckin' retard. 6 months researching suited poker chips? Ummm, yeah. You landed smack dab in the middle of MY blog researching suited poker chips? Glad it led you to my heartfelt post about combating my little fascination with alcohol. Since I have never mentioned poker on my blog, maybe it was me saying I "FLUSHed" all my old booze down the toilet that led you here. Welcome, scumbag! Emoticons do not have noses. Please use :) , not :0) in any future correspondence with me. Yes, I do have nice blogging friends!

Iterations

English to German

German to French

French back to English

English to German again

German to French again

French to English

English to Italian

Italian to English

English to Arabic

Arabic to English

The Final Product:

Are you a truck child? The wash and candles of East main activity in life? Clearly you have the socialist (measuring tiny Benesis), or you yourselves, turning right Libhabiri. It has become physically or when receiving the ball. You demolition net you in the cellar of wine?! How many child prostitution you really strongly to the training and the pooling of ice? Because the mother to respond to the interest in repetition lifting customs I do not want to trouble? And, because you want to hold on the eye, you head women Dead to ensure that they do not belong to the outside world? in one way or another? in one way or another? ! ! Anything you three quarters, 6,? ! And declared that they were not initially Director yours. You Rabresintazioni degrees on Gribarla? Yes, this is the terminology used in Laskyamo studies behind you. He explained that much of me this morning Violentiminti seconds. Mr. preferred. Years ago and the project on doctoral? Vukin makes delay. 6-month course of the Polish sharp Hawk dispersal Gintsberoshinn common? The mm, yes. You have a decline in the average Shuli mine Savan, Achieving Losentiza sharply from the 3,096 participants dispersed nature of the communications? You are stations which are, fortunately, also ratified the conduct against mine Alkowles little magic. I did not ever clearer separation hooks to the attainment of mine, probably the most part of me : All of the old men who Tulita here "Riskiakoa," schnapsen, lead. Skumbag welcome! Imotikons from their noses, and we have not. Use demands :). 0) in future correspondence with me. We welcome Bluqing friends!

The Freiya Meme

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being surrounded by the splendor of nature while with a favorite person.

What is your greatest fear?
Being forgotten.

What vehicles do you own?
A sporty little mini-SUV, a kayak, and a bike named Mona.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Starbucks coffee and hair products.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Soaking my dirty dishes in a sink full of hot soapy water for days on end (I keep changing the water but I won’t wash the dishes).

What is your most treasured possession?
My leather chest full of photos. No, wait, my box of old letters. No, my retainer. I give up.

Where would you like to live?
Cape Cod.

What makes you depressed?
Lonely old people.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My gadonkadonk. Oh wait, I thought you said which part of me is the most fabu? OK then … Dislike? Hmmm. I don't dislike my appearance.

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
Margaret Cho. Except, with penises.

What is your favourite smell?
Lilac. No, Lily of the Valley. No, fresh-brewed coffee. No, the wind before a thunderstorm. I give up! This is harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd! (said in that whiny teenaged voice)

What is your favourite word?
Currently, "shit-ton". Previously, "torque", "vajayajay", and "ergo". Also, "flail."

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
I don’t feel any guilt about my pleasures. Life’s delights are fabu, seize them all. Among them: Wine (alas, no more for me), fresh flowers every week, painted toes, bouncing curls of hair, good cheese, walks in the rain with a Monet umbrella, fresh-ground-fresh-brewed strong coffee with half and half, big flowers on your pocketbook, reading in the sun … shall I go on?

What, or who, is the greatest love of your life?
What: Music, and teaching. And my family.
Who: Ahhh ... don't touch that spot, it's tender.

What is your greatest regret?
.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Being passionately in love with someone who loves me back just as much.

What keeps you awake at night?
The train. Oh, wait, is this supposed to be deep? Well then … being aware of my own nostrils.

What song would you like played at your funeral?
"Answer” by Sarah McLachlan, followed by the middle movement of Mozart’s Clarinet Concerto (listen and you shall know why).

How would you like to be remembered?
As someone who touched your life.





Thanks, Freiya! Now you play.

Inside the Actors Studio

gratuitous hottie photo

Last night I was watching Inside the Actors Studio on Bravo, and I decided that if some of my favorite people can be subjected to James Lipton's questions, then so can I! So first I stopped by the Michael J. Fox Foundation (you too can use humor and personal drive to cope with neurological illness!) and made a donation, then sat down to be grilled by this most alluring host. It sure beats the hell out of the lame-ass meme I put up the other day.

In the Actor's Seat: Spinning Girl

What is your favorite word?
torque

What is your least favorite word?
nostril

What turns you on?
Self-assuredness, comfort with oneself and a quick, intelligent sense of humor.

What turns you off?
Arrogance and dismissiveness.

What sound or noise do you love?
A rushing wind; a heavy downpour; the surf.

What sound or noise do you hate?
The scrape of a fork against a plate; the drip of a faucet; a squeal of brakes, followed by a crash.

What is your favorite curse word?
Skanky whore, followed closely by goddam motherf***ing sonofabitching c***sucking whore.

What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?
Acting, or possibly piloting a shuttle to & from the moon.

What profession would you not want to attempt?
School bus driver / politician (tie)

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say?
Welcome home. Here you can eat anything you want and never get fat. Here you can drink the finest wine with abandon and never be tortured. Here are all your friends and family and your beloved cat. Here is Shepherd Boy*. Here you will feel no pain, you will never be tired, you can play ball in the house and run with scissors. Please just wipe your feet and put on the comfy socks we have provided, and fill out this brief comment card.

Thank you Bernard Pivot, may I have another?

*Read the legend of Shepherd Boy and Spinning Girl here.

913 Days, But Who's Counting?

This is a repost, marking two and a half years since I decided to give up alcohol.

Disclaimer: This post isn’t meant to be funny. These things are only funny to me because they are all true, because I did them, and because I salvaged my poor gin-soaked soul on August 6, 2003. If you think you might have a problem, consider these points or take this quiz. I took it 14 times before I realized that cheating on the answers didn’t make them any less true.

Image respectfully borrowed from BeerStuff

You Might Have a Little Bitty Problem With Alcohol If…

• You make three separate trips to the recycling center because you don’t want anyone to see how many bottles you have, but you still care about the earth.
• You carry your trash really carefully when your landlord is around, so he doesn't hear the clinking.
• You remember 1 bottle of chardonnay, but in the morning you see 3.
• You go to at least 3 different liquor stores because you don't want to be seen going so often; nevertheless, all the owners greet you by name.
• You drunk-dial your friends and then tell them the same story several times, in almost the exact same words. When they call you on it, you say, "oh, I've told this story so many times I don't remember who I told it to." (this doesn't work very well when it's the same person, in the same phone call)
• You make elaborate plans with friends and family, and then don’t remember a word. The next day, when your friend says, “so what time should come over?” you pretend you know all about it to cover your ass. Later, when your other friend calls (with whom you also made plans), you cancel because of an “appointment you forgot you had”.
• Your first words in the morning, every morning for 2+ years, are “Oh, shit—not again.”
• Your coworkers ask you why you look so tired, or if you are sick (answer: both). Your answer: trouble sleeping (also true).
• You wake up at 3 AM every night in a shame spiral, and wonder how & when you got to this point. You’re an intelligent, beautiful, self-aware woman, dammit—you can’t be a drunk! (you can be both; nobody sets out to have this affliction on purpose, ya know. Duh.) (By the way I sometimes dream that I went on a drinking binge & wake up feeling utter despair at having failed, then relief that I’m still OK. And if I did fail, I hope I’d have the strength to pick up where I left off).
• You bring your own magnum of chardonnay to the party because they probably don’t have what you want (or enough of it); you offer to open it for the hostess. You drink most of it.
• You order a whole bottle of wine at a bar and the bartendress keeps it on ice for you and all the friends you intend to share it with. Most of them don’t have any.
• You decide that a mandarin Absolut & tonic (m.a.t.) is OK at 10 AM; it’s citrusy, like orange juice. That's breakfast, right?
• You decide that grocery shopping is so much more fun with a buzz on, so you have one m.a.t. for breakfast & then put one in a sippy cup for the road.
• The following activities are drinking triggers: talking on the phone, sitting at the computer, watching TV, driving home from work. Also breathing, eating, sleeping.
• You’ve rationalized that you’d better switch to vodka since it doesn’t smell (as much—enough of anything and your sweat still smells like skid row).
• You lie to your best friend on the phone that the reason your speech is slurred is because you are wearing a Crest White Strips on your teeth.
• You decide to drink only on weekends, then drink on a Thursday because that’s close.
• You decide to drink every other day, and then fail after 2 days.
• You decide not to drink one morning, and then change your mind on the drive home. You haven’t done it yet, you could still stop it, but having made the decision in your mind it is already too late.
• You decide to drink just 2 glasses of wine, but glass 3.5 kills the bottle (you have biiiig glasses), so why stop? Wine goes bad if it sits.
• Wine never goes bad in your house.
• You wonder aloud about your drinking habits with all of your drinking friends, and say things like, “it’s not as if I’d drink something else if there were no wine in the house” (this was before I discovered the m.a.t. and the no-smell-vodka secret)
• There is always wine in the house.
• You actually think to yourself, who needs friends when I have this?
• You choose a night home with a DVD and 2 bottles of wine over a night out with friends (rationalization: cheaper, and then I don't have to drive drunk).
• You wonder aloud whether a life without wine in it is even possible. All those dinners out, and no wine? (it is possible, and the peace of mind that comes from a sober life far exceeds the enjoyment of a fine chardonnay. Although sometimes I still imagine the molten-gold flavor of it going down my throat, and I feel a lust unlike anything I’ve ever felt).
• You finally resolve to quit drinking, but you can’t “officially” quit until all the booze in the house is gone, so you make a list of everything you need to consume, including that nasty bottle of Pimm's and the Smuggler whiskey your dad brought over for a party once (happy ending: upon realizing the huge volumes I’d have to consume, I gave all my top-shelf vodkas, gins, scotches & rums to a friend for her huge summer bash, and poured the rest of it down the toilet on August 7, 2003. Funny, I didn’t feel bad about wasting it, even though I was raised not to waste nutrients. I figured those kids in Africa didn’t need to become boozehounds).
• You check out the AA website, just to see what it’s all about.
  

• [note: I am not made uncomfortable in any way by the mention of alcohol, the presence of it, or when my friends around me order it at the dinner table. I am happy to discuss it and proud of my sobriety. It’s not a word that needs to be whispered, like cancer or prison. I am not offended by anyone’s drunken audio post, or mention of drunkenness in this virtual (or any other) world. The only thing that upsets me is when I meet/see people who are obvious alcoholics; not because I judge them but because I know the place they are in, and it is not a good place. I questioned my drinking for 8 years, and experienced out-of-control drinking for about a year and a half before I stopped. I still question exactly how I got to that point. I can only hope that suffering alcoholics find solid ground, as I did. Thank you for reading.]

The Church Giggles: Pudding Puppet

This link reminded me of the worst case of the “church giggles” that I have ever had; I am pleased to be reminded so that I may bring this story to you.

My friend Leigh Yung Li is one of the funniest people I know; only someone like her would fondle his-n-hers anatomically correct toothbrushes, or marry a man who wears this apron 24-7. Hanging out with her is a natural high. We’ve had slumber parties, written fake memos to our school (for which we got in trouble), and moved the principal’s car to the other side of the building. I’ve also felt her up several times, which is how I cement most of my friendships. Her boobs are taut, perky, and responsive.

One of the best stories I have about LYL involves the Pudding Puppet.

In early October of 2001, LYL and a few of our colleagues attended a benefit dinner for a local nature education center; it was a pay-by-the-plate event, with a silent auction, all proceeds to benefit the upkeep of this wonderful center. During dinner, we had lively conversation and hearty laughs, though we were surrounded by some of the town’s “old money” families and lots of people who looked down their long noses at our rowdiness. Nevertheless, we traded stories and examined our auction paddles, fighting over who got to bid with paddle number “69”.

Sometime during dinner, LYL, who does not eat food, turned her uneaten dessert into a little person. The dessert was tiramisu in a wine glass; LYL took the olives out of Gary’s martini and a ziti from Deb’s plate and made a face, then took the ribbon off my auction paddle to complete the look. The Pudding Puppet was now ready for action:


Now, ordinarily, something so juvenile would raise, at best, a smirk and a few giggles from me. But at this moment, the director of the center began talking to the room on the microphone, so it became inappropriate for us to be giggling. The harder I tried to suppress my laughter, the funnier it all seemed. It didn’t help that LYL’s pudding Puppet kept “interacting” with the tablemates during this time, shaking her little ribbon and looking at me imploringly with her pimiento-stuffed eyes.

We were getting some rather disdainful looks by this time, which of course made us laugh even harder; we did stifle the laughter, but it was obvious that we (teachers in the district, every single one) were being immature beyond all measures of propriety.

Then came the crowning touch.

A very old, distinguished woman got up (it turns out, the major benefactor of the nature center), took the microphone, and began speaking softly:

"After an event like 9-11, a place like the Wyatt Center reminds us of what is good, and true, and wholesome in our lives. It is a place where people can come to learn and to be together in nature, in fellowship, in learning…"

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I screamed inside my head. Now it was totally inappropriate to be laughing! She said 9-11! It had just happened! We were all still open wounds!

It was horrible. At this point I was beyond any sort of help. I had my dinner napkin up around my face, half of it stuffed into my mouth, trying to gag the uncontrollable hysteria that was pouring out of me. Tears were flowing freely down my face. I take some comfort in knowing that a few people thought I was crying. When I was able to gain some measure of control, I got up from the table and walked the mile and a half to the door; in the lobby I exploded into laughter, which continued in the ladies’ room for a good ten minutes. I literally could not stop. I thought I might have to call an ambulance for myself. It was completely out of my hands; I was in the grips of monster hysteria the likes of which I have never experienced before or since.

I finally composed myself and, together with two others who had joined me in the bathroom laugh-fest, returned to the table.

The moment I sat down, LYL picked up the Puppet and wiggled it at me, saying (in an Elmo-like voice), Where did you go?

Round Two began just as spontaneously as the first, but didn’t last as long; I did have to excuse myself a second time.

The worst part is, I didn’t get to bid on the mountain bike I really wanted.

The best part is, the Pudding Puppet image is forever ingrained in my mind, and I can pull it out whenever I want.

I love the church giggles. Don't you?

You Might Have a Problem With Alcohol If…

Disclaimer: This post isn’t meant to be funny. These things are only funny to me because they are all true, because I did them, and because I salvaged my poor gin-soaked soul on August 6, 2003. If you think you might have a problem, consider these points or take this quiz. I took it 14 times before I realized that cheating on the answers didn’t make them any less true.

Image respectfully borrowed from BeerStuff

You Might Have a Problem With Alcohol If…

• You make three separate trips to the recycling center because you don’t want anyone to see how many bottles you have, but you still care about the earth.
• You carry your trash really carefully when your landlord is around, so he doesn't hear the clinking.
• You remember 1 bottle of chardonnay, but in the morning you see 3.
• You go to at least 3 different liquor stores because you don't want to be seen going so often; nevertheless, all the owners greet you by name.
• You drunk-dial your friends and then tell them the same story several times, in almost the exact same words. When they call you on it, you say, "oh, I've told this story so many times I don't remember who I told it to." (this doesn't work very well when it's the same person, in the same phone call)
• You make elaborate plans with friends and family, and then don’t remember a word. The next day, when your friend says, “so what time should come over?” you pretend you know all about it to cover your ass. Later, when your other friend calls (with whom you also made plans), you cancel because of an “appointment you forgot you had”.
• Your first words in the morning, every morning for 2+ years, are “Oh, fuck—not again.”
• Your coworkers ask you why you look so tired, or if you are sick (answer: both). Your answer: trouble sleeping (also true).
• You wake up at 3 AM every night in a shame spiral, and wonder how & when you got to this point. You’re an intelligent, beautiful, self-aware woman, dammit—you can’t be a drunk! (you can be both; nobody sets out to have this affliction on purpose, ya know. Duh.) (By the way I sometimes dream that I went on a drinking binge & wake up feeling utter despair at having failed, then relief that I’m still OK. And if I did fail, I hope I’d have the strength to pick up where I left off).
• You bring your own magnum of chardonnay to the party because they probably don’t have what you want (or enough of it); you offer to open it for the hostess. You drink most of it.
• You order a whole bottle of wine at a bar and the bartendress keeps it on ice for you and all the friends you intend to share it with. Most of them don’t have any.
• You decide that a mandarin Absolut & tonic (m.a.t.) is OK at 10 AM; it’s citrusy, like orange juice. That's breakfast, right?
• You decide that grocery shopping is so much more fun with a buzz on, so you have one m.a.t. for breakfast & then put one in a sippy cup for the road.
• The following activities are drinking triggers: talking on the phone, sitting at the computer, watching TV, driving home from work. Also breathing, eating, sleeping.
• You’ve rationalized that you’d better switch to vodka since it doesn’t smell (as much—enough of anything and your sweat still smells like skid row).
• You lie to your best friend on the phone that the reason your speech is slurred is because you are wearing a Crest White Strips on your teeth.
• You decide to drink only on weekends, then drink on a Thursday because that’s close.
• You decide to drink every other day, and then fail after 2 days.
• You decide not to drink one morning, and then change your mind on the drive home. You haven’t done it yet, you could still stop it, but having made the decision in your mind it is already too late.
• You decide to drink just 2 glasses of wine, but glass 3.5 kills the bottle, so why stop? Wine goes bad if it sits.
• Wine never goes bad in your house.
• You wonder aloud about your drinking habits with all of your drinking friends, and say things like, “it’s not as if I’d drink something else if there were no wine in the house” (this was before I discovered the m.a.t. and the no-smell-vodka secret)
• There is always wine in the house.
• You actually think to yourself, who needs friends when I have this?
• You choose a night home with a DVD and 2 bottles of wine over a night out with friends (rationalization: cheaper, and then I don't have to drive drunk).
• You wonder aloud whether a life without wine in it is even possible. All those dinners out, and no wine? (it is possible, and the peace of mind that comes from a sober life far exceeds the enjoyment of a fine chardonnay. Although sometimes I still imagine the molten-gold flavor of it going down my throat, and I feel a lust unlike anything I’ve ever felt since then).
• You finally resolve to quit drinking, but you can’t “officially” quit until all the booze in the house is gone, so you make a list of everything you need to consume, including that nasty bottle of Pimm's and the Smuggler whiskey your dad brought over for a party once (happy ending: upon realizing the huge volumes I’d have to consume, I gave all my top-shelf vodkas, gins, scotches & rums to a friend for her huge summer bash, and poured the rest of it down the toilet on August 7, 2003. Funny, I didn’t feel bad about wasting it, even though I was raised not to waste nutrients. I figured those kids in Africa didn’t need to become boozehounds).
• You check out the AA website, just to see what it’s all about.
  

• [note: I am not made uncomfortable in any way by the mention of alcohol, the presence of it, or when my friends around me order it at the dinner table. I am happy to discuss it and proud of my sobriety. It’s not a word that needs to be whispered, like cancer or prison. I am not offended by anyone’s drunken audio post, or mention of drunkenness in this virtual (or any other) world. The only thing that upsets me is when I meet/see people who are obvious alcoholics; not because I judge them but because I know the place they are in, and it is not a good place. I questioned my drinking for 8 years, and experienced out-of-control drinking for about a year and a half before I stopped. I still question exactly how I got to that point. I can only hope that suffering alcoholics find solid ground, as I did. Thank you for reading.]