The Black Book (a veritable what the hell who's who? of people who have held little bits of my heart through the years)

Name: Clem
Me: 2nd grade, confused, ADD, never brushed my hair.
Him: the boy who sat next to me, Cuban, dark, mysterious, effeminate.
What happened: I chased him around the playground and pinned him down, tried to kiss him. Primordial sexual stirrings. My mother wouldn’t let me go to his house to play. Interest waned.

Name: Jenny
Me: I adored her in 2nd-3rd grade
Her: My best friend
Why we kissed: We were best friends, so we had to seal the pact. She had the biggest pucker ever.

Name: Martin
Me: Grade 3, glasses, precocious, lost the spelling bee
Him: Grade 4, older, taller, played the lead role in The Mikado, British
What happened: Huge crush; fantasies of being hospitalized and him holding my hand, consoling me. Not entirely sure he knew I was alive. See how much I loved him in this picture.

Name: My Cool J. Fox
Me: Freshman in high school
Him: Senior, repeating a class he had failed, looked like Alex Keaton
What happened: Huge crush; fantasies of being hospitalized and him holding my hand, consoling me. Not entirely sure he knew I was alive.

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Now come the crush years. Too many to list. Include Markus, whom my cousin also dated. 2 guys named Hillar. Blah blah blah. Hard Puberty, breasts, mortification, adjustment.

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Name: Dennis 1
Me: Senior
Him: Sophomore, but older than most because he stayed back and had started school late. Not too bright. Big eyebrows. Skinny.
What happened: I broke up with him the day before the prom but we went together anyhow. He showed up in a tux that did not match my dress. I ignored him all night.

Name: Hodge
Me: College Freshman
Him: Junior (also in college)
How It Went Down: Storybook romance; I spotted him at a soccer game and said, “I would die for a guy like that.” He spotted me in the bookstore and said, “Do I know you?” then hunted me down in my dorm. We were in love for a few months. He showed up to meet my dad in a rumpled shirt & no shave. He broke up with me. We tried to get together a few times but it didn’t take. I was finally over him 2 years later.

Name: Aryan
Me: Sophomore-Senior in college
Him: Lived in my dorm, dated my friend, drove a beatup Chevy pickup that he still has.
What happened: He broke up with her to date me. She tried to kill herself twice. We camped & burned tires in the woods. Love. He was Russian Orthodox and I wasn’t. I think black folks are a-ok and he doesn’t. His former roommate is now my boss. His brother died in 1999 so we got back in touch. 1-2 emails a year.

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Now comes sort of a blurry haze for a few years in the job world. Including Mike, my vice principal, who was arrested the day after we went out for drinks (for possession of cocaine) & forced to resign; Dennis 2, whose mom I worked with and who (I found out) had been arrested for a domestic violence incident at some point; Dennis 3, whose brother I worked with and who left 25 drunken messages on my answering machine one night; some guy whose name I forget whom I escaped by ducking out through the kitchen of a bakery; some other guy who I left at a restaurant after he got up 8 times to make phone calls. I think I might have been making bad choices.

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Name: Shepherd Boy
Me: 24
Him: 19
What happened: Broke my heart.

Name: The Onion

Me: 27, feisty, adventurous

Him: 28, Dot com millionaire, eccentric, liar, somewhat famous.

What happened: I felt like something wasn't quite right. I let it go. Later, I read about him online and found out what he had been up to, and it was not good. I can't give details, because I don't want you to look him up and embarrass him.

Name: Neighb
Me: I don’t know. Almost 30.
Him: My best friend.
What happened: We were friends for 10 years, then we crossed over & couldn’t cross back when it didn’t work out. We stopped talking when he started dating the woman he later married, and we just never talked again. My boss is good friends with him (he also lived in my dorm) & gives me updates I don’t want to hear.

Name: Stefan
Me: Now
Him: A very dear friend
What's happening: I so wish we were attracted to each other, because I adore him and we are amazingly great friends. We are each other’s Plan B; maybe when we are both 90 and we’ve given up the quest for Mr./Ms. Right.

Name: Sven
Me: 30
Him: 39, Norwegian, possible Asperger’s Syndrome, tall, penilely challenged
What happened: I hated his stupid dog and didn’t love him. He cried for 3 hours when we broke up and wouldn’t leave my house.

Name: Neil
Me: Looking for work with birds of prey, recovering from surgery, feeling a need to reconnect with my womanhood.
Him: Doing a study with birds of prey in Wyoming desert, running dogsleds in the winter, living in a teepee, smoking pot.
What happened: Spent a few weeks banding hawks and reconnecting with my womanhood. Then I came home.

Name: The K-Man
Me: Teacher, 31-34, smitten
Him: Charming, funny, alcoholic, married
What happened: Great pals, worked closely together, went to New Orleans for a conference and he acted like a big asshole; I told him to go to hell and fix his train wreck of a life. Left him in New Orleans. Major impetus for giving up alcohol.

Name: Brad the Clown
Me: 35-36, aloof, bored
Him: 37-38, one testicle, artistic, boring, racist, lazy, sloppy eater, has 1 joke that he repeats over & over.
What happened: I dumped him.

Name: The Handyman a.k.a. Brazil nut
Me: 36, 2 days after breaking up with Brad, I said to my friends; “I need a hot-blooded Latino lover to tell me I am beautiful.”
Him: In my house when I got home that day.
What happened: 1 month fling, with bonus (!) of numerous items fixed & painted around my house. Then he went back to Venezuela.

Name: Freaky Hand Fetish Dude
Me: Agreed to a blind date
Him: Bass player, looked like

this guy from Stargate, freaky, carried pictures of his cats in his wallet.
Why I changed my phone number: When I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him trying to hold my hand this early (we had met 10 minutes ago) he said, peevishly, “Oh, what --- we have rules about things now?!?” He asked me to clap my hands so he could psychoanalyze me according to how I clapped. When I did so, he closed his eyes and smiled and said, “That is the most beautiful sound in the world.” Later, he rested his hand open-palmed on my hand and moaned with his eyes closed as if he had just squirted in his pants. He freaked me out so much I didn’t leave him immediately, I was afraid he would stalk me. Luckily he didn’t know where I live or any of my phone numbers but the one I changed.

Name: Calzone
Me: Horrified ... yet drawn to him.
Him: Abusive, condescending, defiling, objectifying, pampering. Ridicules me, feeds me cheese, dresses me up like a cowgirl.
What happened: It’s still happening and it never ever stops.

Name: Monkey
Me: Nurturing, adoring, anticipating.
Him: Fuzzy, has a giant hoo hah, indignant, flattering, incessantly packing and unpacking.
What happened: He is coming here in 3 days!!! It will be the time of our lives. I am, after all, easy to please.

Y'all pull up a stool and set a spell.

'Cause I got stuff to say. And when I say it, I want you here listenin'.

I actually have a cowgirl outfit quite similar to this.

The Blogging thing is hard for me sometimes; in the beginning it was easier to be honest on my blog and to say how I really felt about things, but as more and more people have started reading it (including family and close friends), it gets harder to do that. It’s like when you go to a new city and in the beginning you can act like a big asshole because nobody knows you; but as you become a member of the community, you reel it in a bit. At least I do. Either that or move to a new town so I can keep being an asshole.

Mostly, my creativity gets in a rut sometimes; I just don’t have enough feelings about things to be able to write well. I find I need to be angry or humorously annoyed to be able to write really well. When I’m just plodding through my relaxing summer, there isn’t much to say. Then one day I wake up & realize that my blog feels like a chore, and that is when I take a break. Or post really simple stuff, or dwell in my childhood by revisiting Sesame Street episodes that make me happy.

While on my short break, I discovered that I am seething with feelings! Yes, it is true! At the moment, I find myself mostly pissed off. Here are some of the things I am pissed off about:

 The stupid 20 year old girls in choir who won’t shut up and even have the nerve to talk on the cell phone. DURING REHEARSAL!

 The teacher on my team (who brought the dog to work) who won’t shut up when I am trying to run a meeting, and the other teacher who sits across from her and shouts back at her. It’s like Cage Match, and I’m the referee.

 The way Shepherd Boy appears in my dreams unexpectedly, and then acts like we’ve been talking for the past 13 years instead of this void of silence that I hate so much.

 I’m mad at alcohol, because why does it have to be something that is so nice and so fun and oh, this red goes so nicely with the veal, and then suddenly one day you wake up more hung-over than you have ever been in your life and realize it’s a problem for you? Why couldn’t it just stay fun and easy? And I can’t ever go back to fun and easy, because I am past that. Fuck you, ETOH!

 When I wrote you the long email about my MS diagnosis, this comment, which I guess was the best you could do: “Wow, that is a lot to digest.” Yeah, sorry my multiple scle-fuckin-RO-sis is so hard for you. Guess I overestimated you. Don’t talk to me; if you do, I’ll just pretend I was talking about someone else.

 Although I feel like I have a right to make jokes like this, and that makes me happy.

Now if I can get a few scary dolls, teddy bears, or thumb-sucking teenage girls (my best rant ever, and worth the click) back into my life, I’ll really have some fodder for the mill.

Until then, please just lie on top of me and wiggle so I can feel better and release some of this anger.

The Down & Dirty Blog Frolic (I): My Ass is on Fire!

You may remember that a while back, I asked you to put me in the Hot Seat and ask me questions. Well, you delivered! Pull up a chair, it's a long one.

The Spinning Girl Interview

miss kendra said...
Q: are you hurt-- you know, from falling down from heaven?
Q: is that Windex in your pocket? because I see myself in your pants.
Q: if I had a big important party and invited you and gave you ample notice, would you attend?
A: The first time I tried to fly I took a running start, lifted my feet, & landed in a raspberry bush and scratched myself something terrible. Sometimes I carry rocks around in my pockets because I like to suck them for the salty taste. I can see you in my pants, too. What are you doing after? I would totally come to your party, especially if I can wear a gigantic puffy bridesmaid dress. Oh, I'm not saying it's your wedding, I just like to dress like that. With a bonnet and big sheep hook, maybe some adult-sized diapers if it's Sunday.

BadGod said...
Q: Ever licked any snatch?
Q: And what did you think of the total bullshit ending to the Dark Tower series?
A: I never lick and tell, but I will say that the new Edy's lo-fat creamsicle is the closest I've come to heaven. Can I go for a ride in your truck? Oh, and don't get me started on the Dark Tower debacle. Did he just run out of story all of a sudden? Here I was waiting for that book to change my life. Instead, I'm stuck in a bad Twilight Zone ending ... the ending that never ends. Darn you, Stephen King! Darn you to heck!

miss kendra said...
I have more questions, but I need more people to respond first.
Q: also, how serious can this get?
A: Just don't make me cry like you did last time.

Weary Hag said...
Q: When you were a very little girl, did someone repeatedly smack you over the head with a bear dressed in costume? Just wonderin.
A: Actually, my obsession with TBDOA did not begin until July of 2005, when I became a blogger. I tend to obsess about things in series, then forget about them. Other things that have held my obsessive attention: Adult women in baby bonnets, licorice, certain bloggers (yourself included, of course), Absolut Mandarin, Uruguayan cigarettes, Estonian songs, and the constellations. That's the short list. Also, have you actually looked at the teddy bears' faces? They are suffering!

B.E. Earl said...
Q: With your incredible spinning talents, is there any way that you can rearrange the alphabet so that I could be next to u? (following miss kendra's lead there) PS - two incredibly difficult lower case L's in my word verif today.
A: I wrote an email to dictionary.com, but I got this stock answer:
Dear Ms. Girl,
Thank you for your query. We will process your email and a representative will respond to you within 72 hours. Due to the volume of mail that we receive, we cannot guarantee a personal response unless your question is one that needs to be handled by one of our knowledgeable members in the research department.
Sincerely,
Näksi Peeru
Dictionary.com Customer Service Representative

Freewheel said...
Q: Boxers or briefs?
A: Yes.

tits mcgee said...
Q: Are those space pants you're wearing? Because your ass is out of this world.
A: It has its own weather system.

gracie said...
Q: did you eat lucky charms for breakfast? because you're looking magically delicious.
A: I'm fun for a girl and a boy.

LBseahag said...
Q: What's more important- length or girth?
A: For this answer, I must draw upon my vast athletic background. I would say that in the pole vault, length is key. In the balance beam, a little extra girth makes all the difference. Of course, in surfing, one depends solely upon the motion of the ocean.

BadGod said...
Q: OK, this might seem odd (even for me), but you know that song "Sunny Came Home"? Yes? Great......what the fuck is that song about? I mean this chick named "Sunny" comes home and sits in the kitchen with a book and some tools and a vengeance and shit, right? Then there is this "dry is good and wind is better and counting and then striking matches and shit"...What the fuck!? Then shit's burning down and she's alright? Huh? This song won awards and shit? I am usually pretty good at figuring this stuff out, but I am at a loss every time I hear this lyrical mumbo-jumbo.
A: I have thought about this question long and hard (see above). I think she is pissed off, and comes home and sets a big fire, then grabs the kids, a sweater, a book, and her keys, and goes out for sushi.

Brooke said...
Q: What would you do if you won 20 million in the lottery?
A: Of course, I would blog about it. Duh!

MadMeer said...
Q: Do you ever listen to a song and, instead of singing the real words, make up your own? And are those words sometimes not even words, but sounds that you make up to fill in the empty spaces of the song so you can fit more singing in?
A: Here are some of my favorite examples:
1. (Macy Gray--I Try) I try to say goodbye and I choke; Try to walk away and I stumble; Though I try to hide it, its clear; I wear goggles when you are not here!
2. (CCR- Lodi) Just about a year ago, I set out on the road, Seekin' my fame and fortune, lookin' for a pot of gold. Things got bad, and things got worse, I guess you will know the tune. Oh Lord, Stuck in Old Diane.
3. (Elton John--Goodbye Yellow Brick Road) What do you think you'll do then? I bet that'll shoot down your plane; It'll take you a couple of accurate townies, To set you on your feet again.
I smell a blog post! Do you?

jiggs said...
Q: My question: could you strip bare and expose yourself to me?
Q: Who would you rather do: Newton, Hawking or Gauss?
A: You are, of course, talking about a spiritual stripping. I am yours to devour. As for the geniuses, I assume by "do" you are using a slang term meaning "style one's hair", so in that case I choose Hawking, since he has trouble getting his arms up there.

Bill said...
Q: Silly question: Have you ever been naked in Toledo?
Q: Not so silly question: Why are you not writing more fiction and/or poetry? (Or if you are, where is it?)
A: No, but I have been fully dressed in Cedar Rapids, and that's nothin' to sneeze at. As for the fiction, I just haven't had the mental energy. It is rather hard for me to write fiction; I am much better at the semi-truthful anecdote. I hope to explore my fiction side this summer when I have more time (the 8th graders and their needs have sucked all my teats dry, but I should be fully replenished in a week or so). I'll start by rejoining Purgatorian's Flash Fiction Friday.

Madge said...
Q: Scariest moment ever (you know, sweaty palms, racing heart, etc.)?
Q: Did you always want to be a teacher? When was the defining moment?
Q: I remember reading, months back, something about you suddenly discovering you had the most fabulous hair in the universe. I'm hoping this happens to me, too. I'd even be happy with second most fabulous hair in the universe. Any advice to get me there sooner than later? Tips? Or, just tell the story again! Please!
A: I don't think I have ever been fully terrified. My mind did snap when I rode the Millennium Force, and I was petrified, but knew I was safe. I felt like the world dropped out from under me on September 11, 2001.

A: I remember saying I wanted to be an English teacher back in 7th grade, but I went to school for physical therapy. When I got wait-listed for the school of PT at UConn, I had to make a decision, and I decided to teach; I had always wanted to teach PT, anyhow, and my mom talked me into trying it, as she is a teacher too. I am so glad she did!

A: As for the hair, I am afraid to give you tips, for I do not want to compete with you in the fabu hair department (I already have some pretty stiff competition). But I will say the following:

1. Highlights.
2. No perms, not ever.
3. Hot rollers
4. Aveda Elixir

Freewheel said...
Q: You're still on vacation? Jeez, are you from Europe or something?
Q: OK, another one. Have you ever written something and destroyed it (torn it up, deleted it, whatever) because it was something you never wanted anyone else to read? If so, what was it about?
A: Maine is in Europe, right? Felt like it, anyway. [EDIT: Even after reading Freewheel's question 7 times, and writing a reply, I never realized he said "from Europe". I thought he said "in Europe". So the answer to that question is yes; I model myself after the Swedes in my love of both vacations and salted fish.]

A: I haven't torn up any of my writing, but I do post it on my other top-secret blog so that it's out there for people to read, & then suggest medications for me. If I don't want anyone to read something, I don't write it. You should hear the ranting in my pre-sobriety journals. After I croak, someone is going to get a kick out of deciphering that noise.

miss kendra said...
Q: what was it that made you go to the doctor and find out you had MS?
Q: have you ever engaged in inappropriate behaviors with someone who was otherwise involved?
A: I went to the neurologist because my feet were numb, and as much as I tried to ignore it, I knew there had to be some underlying cause. An MRI revealed "spots" on my brain (sclera) and then a spinal tap (the most fun you can have with a needle!) confirmed MS-related proteins in my cerebrospinal fluid. After the foot numbness went away, I experienced no further symptoms, and am hoping I can hang out in this place for a while. Sometimes I get little pins-and-needles sensations all over my body, but I think it's just because I am thinking about me, Jiggs, BadGod, and Jamwall sharing a special moment in the ball pit.

A: Inappropriate? Hmmm. Is it inappropriate to break a 4-poster bed? No? OK, let me think. Does a common-law wife count? How about an extremely close, nosy neighbor? No? Hmmm. OK, then the answer to your question is no.

jamwall said...
Q: Crisco or Velveeta? and should I use a flyswatter next time?
A: I'm sorry I was bad.

Bill said...
Q: I have another question: where are my pants? Thank you.
A: Are you still looking for those? That was weeks ago. Here, I had them dry-cleaned. The ruffles got a little bit worn by the dry-cleaning fluid, but they're still pretty.

Bill said...
Q: My last question, about the pants, was kind of stupid. So you can ignore that one. Here's one that's a bit more of a puzzler - requires more work. Actually, it is a two-parter:
1) What is happiness?
2) What makes you happy?
3) Why does water always sound good?
(Okay, I threw in that last one as a freebie. I'll even answer it: because it's water.)
A: I liked the pants question. Now you are making me work!
1) That's easy. Happiness exists in all the places where the soul is in contact with the universe.
2) The symphony. Iced tea. Loving friends. People I can rely on. A belly-laugh. Feeling needed. The cry of a hawk in a crisp, clear morning. The first snow. Harley noise. Avocados. Coyotes. Suzanne Vega. A fresh-picked apple or tomato. Peas straight from the pod. Windy weather. Sisters. Feather comforters. Shall I go on?
3) Because it knows it is water.

t2ed said...
Q: What would you be doing for a living if you weren't a teacher?
Q: And now a silly one: If they were making a TV sitcom about your life, who would be cast in the starring role?
Q: Bonus points for rounding out the supporting actors and wacky next door neighbors.
A: I would do stand-up comedy, assuming I was already established & didn't have to work too hard to make a name for myself. In my TV sitcom life, I would be a blend of Margaret Cho and Jenna Elfman (of Dharma & Greg), 2 people I have been likened to (then again ... Mimi is also in that category). For neighbors I would definitely want the entire cast of The Office. But I don't feel like working too hard right now thinking about the storyline, I just drove home from Maine for chrissake.

BadGod said...
Q: I have one more question: What do teachers do all summer?
A: Some teach summer school, some travel, work other jobs, write, enjoy their kids. This particular teacher hangs out at the pool, reads, takes short trips, writes, blogs, and tries to decompress. This summer I am also going to choir camp (yes it is true!) and moving my shit into a new house.

Q: Ever had a pillow fight that went too far? (or not far enough?) Ok, so that's two more. Whatever.
A: As in nosebleed far? Yes. Not far enough, as in no broken leg? Yes.

Slyde said...
Q: I WANT to ask something, but I can't think of anything that isn't dirty......
A: That's because you are bad. Come here. Momma's gonna spank the bad boy.

DaMasta said...
Q: If I was hairy, would I still be allowed on the pigpile?
Q: I think I failed you, do you still love me?
Q: Have you ever dated anyone as smart as you?
A: Ummm, I thought you were hairy. You're not? Hmmm, I need to reconsider my PP criteria.
A: In what way have you failed me? Better not tell me because I haven't noticed, and I would still love you if I knew, but I would do so coolly and with a condescending gaze.
A: Yes. Most of my earlier boyfriends were quite smart. Shepherd Boy was a genius. Recently, I have had bad luck in this arena of my life. For some reason, I allow my time to be wasted by some pretty big losers.

Juliabohemian said...
Q: How come you are still single when you are clearly intelligent and sexy?
A: Because I am holding out for Absolutely Extraordinary. Is that too much to ask?

BadGod said...
Q: One more question.... If Darth Vader was holding you hostage and had the Death Star pointed at earth.........would you give up the location of the rebel base, knowing that he was gonna destroy earth anyway? Or would you lie about the location of the rebel base.....wait a minute......he's gonna blow up earth anyway!
Thanks for nothing Spin Girl.
A: I would probably invite DV in and ask him to explore his chakras to find out where he is harboring his negative energy, then give a cleansing green-tea body-mask. He'll be the one thanking me when he finds himself rejuvenated, refreshed, and deeply soothed.

"K" Fingerett said...
Q: Um.. two days left till or of what? Just wondering..
A: I don't understand what the hell you just said.

tits mcgee said...
Q: Who loves ya, baby?
A: Is this a trick question? You're not trying to turn me on to Jesus, are you? OK then.

Ricardo Montalbán said...
Q: What I would like to know, dear Spinning Girl, is where you have been all my life. And also how you learned to do that thing with your tongue.
A: When you were sporting that chest plate in Khan, I was sitting right in front of you ... one hand jamming popcorn past my headgear and the other fiddling around inside my halter top. Didn't you see me? Also, the tongue thing is genetic, if you remember your 9th grade biology.

Madge said...
Q: Did you ever want to run away as a kid?
A: I did run away. I packed a suitcase with all my Little House books, my rocks, and a T-shirt, and marched down the driveway. The suitcase got heavy at the bottom so I stuck it in the ditch and walked around the block. I was home in time for The Electric Company.

MadMeer said...
Q: What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Q: Who is Paul Fusco?
Q: Under what circumstances are Hawaiian shirts ok?
Q: What is the most creative excuse you've ever used to get out of work?
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Q: Would you consider getting a tattoo of a heart with a banner wrapped around it that says "I heart Mad M?"

I'm just checking on that last one.

A: Mint Oreo.
A: This guy?
A: When hiding in the hibiscus from a raging saber-toothed tiger
A: I once called in and said my car had been plowed in & I couldn't get out.
A: A 100-year-old lady
A: Ummm, hello, did you not get the picture of my tushie? I'll send it again.

Inside the Actors Studio

gratuitous hottie photo

Last night I was watching Inside the Actors Studio on Bravo, and I decided that if some of my favorite people can be subjected to James Lipton's questions, then so can I! So first I stopped by the Michael J. Fox Foundation (you too can use humor and personal drive to cope with neurological illness!) and made a donation, then sat down to be grilled by this most alluring host. It sure beats the hell out of the lame-ass meme I put up the other day.

In the Actor's Seat: Spinning Girl

What is your favorite word?
torque

What is your least favorite word?
nostril

What turns you on?
Self-assuredness, comfort with oneself and a quick, intelligent sense of humor.

What turns you off?
Arrogance and dismissiveness.

What sound or noise do you love?
A rushing wind; a heavy downpour; the surf.

What sound or noise do you hate?
The scrape of a fork against a plate; the drip of a faucet; a squeal of brakes, followed by a crash.

What is your favorite curse word?
Skanky whore, followed closely by goddam motherf***ing sonofabitching c***sucking whore.

What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?
Acting, or possibly piloting a shuttle to & from the moon.

What profession would you not want to attempt?
School bus driver / politician (tie)

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say?
Welcome home. Here you can eat anything you want and never get fat. Here you can drink the finest wine with abandon and never be tortured. Here are all your friends and family and your beloved cat. Here is Shepherd Boy*. Here you will feel no pain, you will never be tired, you can play ball in the house and run with scissors. Please just wipe your feet and put on the comfy socks we have provided, and fill out this brief comment card.

Thank you Bernard Pivot, may I have another?

*Read the legend of Shepherd Boy and Spinning Girl here.