1. My first language was Estonian. I still speak, read & write it. All the time!
2. I didn't really speak English until I went to kindergarten,
3. where I learned the word "soon" and thought it meant one o'clock.
4. I thought this until I was 11 years old.
5. Because it rhymes with "noon", you see?
6. My twin sister Twirling Girl has always, always been there.
7. I don’t know what I would do without her.
8. My baby sister Tuuna Taco is my other best friend.
9. My parents are some of the best people I know,
10. And I don't tell them enough, so I am telling them now.
11. Since they read my blog.
12. Which sort of censors me, but that is probably a good thing.
13. I can be gross at your blogs, right?
14. I worry that if I ever meet any of you, you will discover that I am not really as pretty as the persona I have created
15. although I have begun to think of myself as "Spinning Girl" and would probably answer to it if someone called to me.
16. Sometimes I get terribly lonely.
17. Often, I love being alone & doing what I want, when I want.
18. I need to tune my piano so that I can play it.
19. I need to clean my chimney so that I can make bigger fires without fearing that I am going to start a chimney fire.
20. Some pieces of music are so beautiful to me that I cannot contain the emotion I feel when I hear them, and I just cry.
21. I can’t stand most of the music I hear on the radio.
22. There are some exceptions.
23. I have an almost unholy obsession with Yellow Ledbetter and every time I hear those first few hesitant guitar notes, I smile with glee.
24. I had a small alcohol problem once.
25. By small, I mean that it had a short life. Maybe two years of really drinking in a way I felt was out of control.
26. Plus 15 years of wondering if maybe I drank a little too much?
27. I gave up the booze on August 6, 2003.
28. In March of 2004 I drank 3 bottles of wine by myself and scared myself so much that I never want to drink again.
29. In July of 2006 I accidentally took a giant swig of my cousin’s vodka tonic, but only because our cups were identical and it really was by accident.
30. If I drink on purpose, I am afraid I will not stop, ever.
31. I still get mad that something so fun could turn into something so bad, but I’m OK with it and I don’t miss it. It just pisses me off that alcohol was such a mean trickster bastard.
32. I become smitten very easily.
33. Recently I was smitten with someone in my grad class.
34. But he never called when he said he would, so I had my answer.
35. That’s too bad, because I still find him really attractive even though I don’t talk to him much.
36. I am also completely infatuated with Jamwall, even though we have never met, because he gets me and we feed off each other’s sick humor in a truly exhilarating way.
37. Right now, I am imagining Jamwall naked.
38. Are you?
39. Someday, I hope to spend a weekend with him, romping through a condiment village that we have built together.
40. Sometimes I am perfectly happy with my life the way it has gone thus far.
41. But I am always ready for the next big, good thing.
42. I would like to be a mom, though not necessarily give birth.
43. Maybe I just need a pony!
44. Or a dog, a non-pooping dog.
45. Having to pick up shit is the one major thing keeping me from getting a dog.
46. Sharing my living space with a box of urine and shit and giant hair balls is what is keeping me from getting a cat.
47. I had the most amazing cat once, and he will never be equaled.
48. I fear the spider, but only once it has reached a certain size.
49. Spiders of Acceptable Size (SAS) are allowed to live freely in my home.
50. Spiders of Unacceptable Size – SUS-- are thrown outside, not killed, unless they are huge or move very fast.
51. I would probably go crazy if I woke up and discovered an SUS clinging to the tip of my nose with all 8 of its legs.
52. I can honestly say that I love my job.
53. It is like a dream. A job cannot be this perfect, can it?!?!?
54. I sometimes fear becoming debilitated and unable to teach anymore; what would I do then?!?!?
55. I don’t spend much time fearing the future though.
56. Most of my fears are fleeting thoughts, lucky me.
57. Maybe I am stupidly optimistic. That is fine with me.
58. I take life’s little luxuries very seriously.
59. My bed.
60. My coffee.
61. That’s a short list, but those are the two biggies.
62. When I was a child, my favorite place to visit was my grandparents’ house in upstate New York.
63. Sometimes we had to weed the garden, and we had to finish before we could swim.
64. This taught me self-discipline and delayed gratification.
65. I used to pretend I was a poor little slave girl, weeding my little row of carrots in the blazing hot sun.
66. Nothing equals the bliss of a cold swim after you have been sweating in the blazing hot sun.
67. There was (is) a spring-fed pond on my grandparents’ back property.
68. It is stocked with fish that were caught elsewhere & put there by my family.
69. They have lived & multiplied there for 50 years.
70. I used to catch grasshoppers in the meadow and then feed them to the fish.
71. I used to be very good at catching grasshoppers; the most I ever caught was 72.
72. Grasshoppers!!!
73. I fear that one day a swarm of locusts will land on me, as payback.
74. This fear, however, is fleeting.
75. When my family sells my grandparents’ house, I don’t think I will be as sad as I was over the past 10 years, watching it decline from what it once was.
76. Nothing gold can stay.
77. I hope that my parents’ home becomes that way for their grandchildren ... a really special place where you can always go and be happy.
78. I believe it is really important to listen to children and not try to spank too much of their personalities out of them.
79. Like the boy who made the grappling hook; it made me really happy to see that.
80. I can think of 5 teachers off the top of my head who would have said, “put that stupid toy away.”
81. Of course, I teach science, and can justify “allowing” a homemade grappling hook in my classroom.
82. It scares me how little science some people know.
83. I’m a little bit obsessed with Carl Sagan, and rightly so.
84. Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors is one of my favorite books of all time.
85. I should read it again soon. I tend to reread books I love several times.
86. I have read Lord of the Rings at least 22 times from start to finish, plus countless times of reading just certain parts.
87. For me, rereading a good book is like visiting a place that I love.
88. When I want to escape for a while, I go to Middle Earth.
89. I’m OK with being a total geek.
90. I have amazing tits, so I can get away with it.
91. Are you imagining my tits right now?
92. Go ahead, then. I am OK with being objectified by you.
93. Shit, I forgot about my parents reading this.
94. Sorry mom and dad, sometimes I say dirty things to be funny.
95. Dirty and funny is one of my favorite combinations.
96. Wow, 100 is a lot.
97. I might have dyslexia because I often reverse “tomorrow” and “yesterday” in my speech, regardless of what language I am speaking. I think those two concepts got stored incorrectly in my Wernicke.
98. I am a huge procrastinator, and I did this instead of grading papers.
99. I always feel better after a good day of procrastinating.
100. I’ll feel even better later when I get that shit done. Thank you for reading!
Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. This vajayjay is not a toy.
Showing posts with label garden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label garden. Show all posts
April 03, 2012
August 17, 2009
I have been squashed.
I went out to my tomato garden this morning to discover that somebody snuck a humungous zucchini in with my tomatoes. I don't grow squash, nor does it grow on tomato plants to my knowledge. This is clearly a case of excess zucchini pawning-off and I am outraged!
Not really. I'm going to sauté and eat it. But still, who snuck into my BACK YARD THROUGH THE GATE to do this?!!?!
June 23, 2008
I felt like a repost, so ...
100 Things
1. My first language was Estonian. I still speak, read & write it. All the time!
2. I didn't really speak English until I went to kindergarten,
3. where I learned the word "soon" and thought it meant one o'clock.
4. I thought this until I was 11 years old.
5. Because it rhymes with "soon", you see?
6. My twin sister Twirling Girl has always, always been there.
7. I don’t know what I would do without her.
8. My baby sister Tuuna Taco is my other best friend.
9. My parents are some of the best people I know,
10. And I don't tell them enough, so I am telling them now.
11. Since they read my blog.
12. Which sort of censors me, but that is probably a good thing.
13. I can be gross at your blogs, right?
14. I worry that if I ever meet any of you, you will discover that I am not really as pretty as the persona I have created
15. although I have begun to think of myself as "Spinning Girl" and would probably answer to it if someone called to me.
16. Sometimes I get terribly lonely.
17. Often, I love being alone & doing what I want, when I want.
18. I need to tune my piano so that I can play it.
19. I need to clean my chimney so that I can make bigger fires without fearing that I am going to start a chimney fire.
20. Some pieces of music are so beautiful to me that I cannot contain the emotion I feel when I hear them, and I just cry.
21. I can’t stand most of the music I hear on the radio.
22. There are some exceptions.
23. I have an almost unholy obsession with Yellow Ledbetter and every time I hear those first few hesitant guitar notes, I smile with glee.
24. I had a small alcohol problem once.
25. By small, I mean that it had a short life. Maybe two years of really drinking in a way I felt was out of control.
26. Plus 15 years of wondering if maybe I drank a little too much?
27. I gave up the booze on August 6, 2003.
28. In March of 2004 I drank 3 bottles of wine by myself and scared myself so much that I never want to drink again.
29. In July of 2006 I accidentally took a giant swig of my cousin’s vodka tonic, but only because our cups were identical and it really was by accident.
30. If I drink on purpose, I am afraid I will not stop, ever.
31. I still get mad that something so fun could turn into something so bad, but I’m OK with it and I don’t miss it. It just pisses me off that alcohol was such a mean trickster bastard.
32. I become smitten very easily.
33. Recently I was smitten with someone in my grad class.
34. But he never called when he said he would, so I had my answer.
35. That’s too bad, because I still find him really attractive even though I don’t talk to him much.
36. I am also completely infatuated with Jamwall, even though we have never met, because he gets me and we feed off each other’s sick humor in a truly exhilarating way.
37. Right now, I am imagining Jamwall naked.
38. Are you?
39. Someday, I hope to spend a weekend with him, romping through a condiment village that we have built together.
40. Sometimes I am perfectly happy with my life the way it has gone thus far.
41. But I am always ready for the next big, good thing.
42. I would like to be a mom, though not necessarily give birth.
43. Maybe I just need a pony!
44. Or a dog, a non-pooping dog.
45. Having to pick up shit is the one major thing keeping me from getting a dog.
46. Sharing my living space with a box of urine and shit and giant hair balls is what is keeping me from getting a cat.
47. I had the most amazing cat once, and he will never be equaled.
48. I fear the spider, but only once it has reached a certain size.
49. Spiders of Acceptable Size (SAS) are allowed to live freely in my home.
50. Spiders of Unacceptable Size – SUS-- are thrown outside, not killed, unless they are huge or move very fast.
51. I would probably go crazy if I woke up and discovered an SUS clinging to the tip of my nose with all 8 of its legs.
52. I can honestly say that I love my job.
53. It is like a dream. A job cannot be this perfect, can it?!?!?
54. I sometimes fear becoming debilitated and unable to teach anymore; what would I do then?!?!?
55. I don’t spend much time fearing the future though.
56. Most of my fears are fleeting thoughts, lucky me.
57. Maybe I am stupidly optimistic. That is fine with me.
58. I take life’s little luxuries very seriously.
59. My bed.
60. My coffee.
61. That’s a short list, but those are the two biggies.
62. When I was a child, my favorite place to visit was my grandparents’ house in upstate New York.
63. Sometimes we had to weed the garden, and we had to finish before we could swim.
64. This taught me self-discipline and delayed gratification.
65. I used to pretend I was a poor little slave girl, weeding my little row of carrots in the blazing hot sun.
66. Nothing equals the bliss of a cold swim after you have been sweating in the blazing hot sun.
67. There was (is) a spring-fed pond on my grandparents’ back property.
68. It is stocked with fish that were caught elsewhere & put there by my family.
69. They have lived & multiplied there for 50 years.
70. I used to catch grasshoppers in the meadow and then feed them to the fish.
71. I used to be very good at catching grasshoppers; the most I ever caught was 72.
72. Grasshoppers!!!
73. I fear that one day a swarm of locusts will land on me, as payback.
74. This fear, however, is fleeting.
75. When my family sells my grandparents’ house, I don’t think I will be as sad as I was over the past 10 years, watching it decline from what it once was.
76. Nothing gold can stay.
77. I hope that my parents’ home becomes that way for their grandchildren ... a really special place where you can always go and be happy.
78. I believe it is really important to listen to children and not try to spank too much of their personalities out of them.
79. Like the boy who made the grappling hook; it made me really happy to see that.
80. I can think of 5 teachers off the top of my head who would have said, “put that stupid toy away.”
81. Of course, I teach science, and can justify “allowing” a homemade grappling hook in my classroom.
82. It scares me how little science some people know.
83. I’m a little bit obsessed with Carl Sagan, and rightly so.
84. Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors is one of my favorite books of all time.
85. I should read it again soon. I tend to reread books I love several times.
86. I have read Lord of the Rings at least 22 times from start to finish, plus countless times of reading just certain parts.
87. For me, rereading a good book is like visiting a place that I love.
88. When I want to escape for a while, I go to Middle Earth.
89. I’m OK with being a total geek.
90. I have amazing tits, so I can get away with it.
91. Are you imagining my tits right now?
92. Go ahead, then. I am OK with being objectified by you.
93. Shit, I forgot about my parents reading this.
94. Sorry mom and dad, sometimes I say dirty things to be funny.
95. Dirty and funny is one of my favorite combinations.
96. Wow, 100 is a lot.
97. I might have dyslexia because I often reverse “tomorrow” and “yesterday” in my speech, regardless of what language I am speaking. I think those two concepts got stored incorrectly in my Wernicke.
98. I am a huge procrastinator, and I did this instead of grading papers.
99. I always feel better after a good day of procrastinating.
100. I’ll feel even better later when I get that shit done. Thank you for reading!
1. My first language was Estonian. I still speak, read & write it. All the time!
2. I didn't really speak English until I went to kindergarten,
3. where I learned the word "soon" and thought it meant one o'clock.
4. I thought this until I was 11 years old.
5. Because it rhymes with "soon", you see?
6. My twin sister Twirling Girl has always, always been there.
7. I don’t know what I would do without her.
8. My baby sister Tuuna Taco is my other best friend.
9. My parents are some of the best people I know,
10. And I don't tell them enough, so I am telling them now.
11. Since they read my blog.
12. Which sort of censors me, but that is probably a good thing.
13. I can be gross at your blogs, right?
14. I worry that if I ever meet any of you, you will discover that I am not really as pretty as the persona I have created
15. although I have begun to think of myself as "Spinning Girl" and would probably answer to it if someone called to me.
16. Sometimes I get terribly lonely.
17. Often, I love being alone & doing what I want, when I want.
18. I need to tune my piano so that I can play it.
19. I need to clean my chimney so that I can make bigger fires without fearing that I am going to start a chimney fire.
20. Some pieces of music are so beautiful to me that I cannot contain the emotion I feel when I hear them, and I just cry.
21. I can’t stand most of the music I hear on the radio.
22. There are some exceptions.
23. I have an almost unholy obsession with Yellow Ledbetter and every time I hear those first few hesitant guitar notes, I smile with glee.
24. I had a small alcohol problem once.
25. By small, I mean that it had a short life. Maybe two years of really drinking in a way I felt was out of control.
26. Plus 15 years of wondering if maybe I drank a little too much?
27. I gave up the booze on August 6, 2003.
28. In March of 2004 I drank 3 bottles of wine by myself and scared myself so much that I never want to drink again.
29. In July of 2006 I accidentally took a giant swig of my cousin’s vodka tonic, but only because our cups were identical and it really was by accident.
30. If I drink on purpose, I am afraid I will not stop, ever.
31. I still get mad that something so fun could turn into something so bad, but I’m OK with it and I don’t miss it. It just pisses me off that alcohol was such a mean trickster bastard.
32. I become smitten very easily.
33. Recently I was smitten with someone in my grad class.
34. But he never called when he said he would, so I had my answer.
35. That’s too bad, because I still find him really attractive even though I don’t talk to him much.
36. I am also completely infatuated with Jamwall, even though we have never met, because he gets me and we feed off each other’s sick humor in a truly exhilarating way.
37. Right now, I am imagining Jamwall naked.
38. Are you?
39. Someday, I hope to spend a weekend with him, romping through a condiment village that we have built together.
40. Sometimes I am perfectly happy with my life the way it has gone thus far.
41. But I am always ready for the next big, good thing.
42. I would like to be a mom, though not necessarily give birth.
43. Maybe I just need a pony!
44. Or a dog, a non-pooping dog.
45. Having to pick up shit is the one major thing keeping me from getting a dog.
46. Sharing my living space with a box of urine and shit and giant hair balls is what is keeping me from getting a cat.
47. I had the most amazing cat once, and he will never be equaled.
48. I fear the spider, but only once it has reached a certain size.
49. Spiders of Acceptable Size (SAS) are allowed to live freely in my home.
50. Spiders of Unacceptable Size – SUS-- are thrown outside, not killed, unless they are huge or move very fast.
51. I would probably go crazy if I woke up and discovered an SUS clinging to the tip of my nose with all 8 of its legs.
52. I can honestly say that I love my job.
53. It is like a dream. A job cannot be this perfect, can it?!?!?
54. I sometimes fear becoming debilitated and unable to teach anymore; what would I do then?!?!?
55. I don’t spend much time fearing the future though.
56. Most of my fears are fleeting thoughts, lucky me.
57. Maybe I am stupidly optimistic. That is fine with me.
58. I take life’s little luxuries very seriously.
59. My bed.
60. My coffee.
61. That’s a short list, but those are the two biggies.
62. When I was a child, my favorite place to visit was my grandparents’ house in upstate New York.
63. Sometimes we had to weed the garden, and we had to finish before we could swim.
64. This taught me self-discipline and delayed gratification.
65. I used to pretend I was a poor little slave girl, weeding my little row of carrots in the blazing hot sun.
66. Nothing equals the bliss of a cold swim after you have been sweating in the blazing hot sun.
67. There was (is) a spring-fed pond on my grandparents’ back property.
68. It is stocked with fish that were caught elsewhere & put there by my family.
69. They have lived & multiplied there for 50 years.
70. I used to catch grasshoppers in the meadow and then feed them to the fish.
71. I used to be very good at catching grasshoppers; the most I ever caught was 72.
72. Grasshoppers!!!
73. I fear that one day a swarm of locusts will land on me, as payback.
74. This fear, however, is fleeting.
75. When my family sells my grandparents’ house, I don’t think I will be as sad as I was over the past 10 years, watching it decline from what it once was.
76. Nothing gold can stay.
77. I hope that my parents’ home becomes that way for their grandchildren ... a really special place where you can always go and be happy.
78. I believe it is really important to listen to children and not try to spank too much of their personalities out of them.
79. Like the boy who made the grappling hook; it made me really happy to see that.
80. I can think of 5 teachers off the top of my head who would have said, “put that stupid toy away.”
81. Of course, I teach science, and can justify “allowing” a homemade grappling hook in my classroom.
82. It scares me how little science some people know.
83. I’m a little bit obsessed with Carl Sagan, and rightly so.
84. Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors is one of my favorite books of all time.
85. I should read it again soon. I tend to reread books I love several times.
86. I have read Lord of the Rings at least 22 times from start to finish, plus countless times of reading just certain parts.
87. For me, rereading a good book is like visiting a place that I love.
88. When I want to escape for a while, I go to Middle Earth.
89. I’m OK with being a total geek.
90. I have amazing tits, so I can get away with it.
91. Are you imagining my tits right now?
92. Go ahead, then. I am OK with being objectified by you.
93. Shit, I forgot about my parents reading this.
94. Sorry mom and dad, sometimes I say dirty things to be funny.
95. Dirty and funny is one of my favorite combinations.
96. Wow, 100 is a lot.
97. I might have dyslexia because I often reverse “tomorrow” and “yesterday” in my speech, regardless of what language I am speaking. I think those two concepts got stored incorrectly in my Wernicke.
98. I am a huge procrastinator, and I did this instead of grading papers.
99. I always feel better after a good day of procrastinating.
100. I’ll feel even better later when I get that shit done. Thank you for reading!
December 23, 2007
Repost: Thou shalt slay twenty oxen a day to satisfy His gigantic appetite!
I have just received a remarkable photo in the mail from my friend, and it must be shared! Some of you may remember my Jesus: Acromegaly post from January (reposted below for your pleasure). My friend, who read (and loved) the post has sent me the actual photo from the freakish nativity. I feel that my photoshopping was pretty true to life, but I actually under-represented the size discrepancy between the infant messiah and his parents, and left out all of the other tasteful decorations in the display. A picture speaks a thousand words, so here:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is the text of the original post:
No Crib for His Head Bed (January 5, 2006)
My friend's mother puts her Nativity set out every Christmas. For years, the mantelpiece has been graced by the loving watchfulness of Mary and Joseph over their sleeping infant child.
One year, she lost the Jesus. Nobody could find it anywhere; it's possible that the dog chewed it, or maybe it just got spirited away. For several Christmases thereafter, though the figurines made their annual appearance, the manger sat empty under Mary and Joseph's gaze.
Then, lo! One day, my friend's mother found the perfect replacement at a flea market. The family was reunited once more! Gather all ye shepherds and shepherdesses to gaze upon the child king, asleep on the hay:
Egad!
It appears that the local flea market didn't have Jesi in quite the correct sizes! Either that, or perhaps, in his sojourn away from Bethlehem, our young friend developed a case of Acromegaly*. How alarming! I fear that at any moment, the overlarge infant will suffocate one of his parents (well, earthly parents) when he rolls in his sleep!
I'm not a Believer, and maybe that is why I can easily make fun, but doesn't it seem like many people with Nativities seem to get it all wrong? As some of you know, my neighbor's Mary is sinking in quicksand as she protects her young babe from the talons of a nearby bird of prey. And don't even get me started with Mary on the Half Shell.
To me, any solemnity that I may feel about the salvation of my soul is instantly lost when a freakish doll, who is supposed to represent a divine being, is put into strange positions, exposed to precarious situations, or subjected to abnormal hormonal treatment. I would feel much better if I were just raking my Zen garden or contemplating my navel. But perhaps this inability to transcend reality is why I am bound to this earthly life. Maybe next year, I'll get my friend's mom a pyrex roaster pan filled with grass for the Jesus, and try again.
* This serious condition, caused by a pituitary tumor and overproduction of human Growth Hormone, is no laughing matter. In children, whose bones are yet unformed, it leads to gigantism and serious health problems. The most famous acromegalic (until now, that is!) was Andre "the Giant", who unfortunately wore out his overworked heart and died in 1993 at the age of 46. Learn everything you ever wanted to know about Acromegaly right here.
August 08, 2007
A Life Begins
Somehowat this instant
nothing seems
quite as momentous
as this wee eggplant
pressing its way into the world
from the first of the dying blossoms
here in my patio garden.
May 30, 2007
Because I can.
The 3-Word Meme, courtesy of my sweet & sweaty papa:
1. Where is your cell phone?
In my pants.
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend?
Might be nice.
3. Hair?
Glossy, cascading, fabulous
4. Your mother?
Funny, comforting, friend
5. Your father?
Brilliant, hilarious, orderly
6. Your favorite item(s)?
Chenille, photos, bed
7. Your dream last night?
Haunting, reminiscent, troublesome
8. Your favorite drink?
Bold dark roast
9. Your dream guy/girl?
Funny, decadent midwesterner
10. The room you are in?
Sage green, dragonflies
11. Your fear?
Big hairy spider.
12. What do you want to be in 10 years?
Teacher, healthy, writer
13. Who did you hang out with last night?
Will and Grace
14. What are you not?
apologetic of flaws
15. Are you in love?
Ask me tomorrow.
16. One of your wish list items?
Trip to Scotland
17. What time is it?
Getta fuckin' watch.
18. The last thing you did?
One hour yoga.
19. What are you wearing?
Pajama pants, tanktop
20. Your favorite book?
The Poisonwood Bible
21. The last thing you ate?
Soybeans, chicken, tea
22. Your life?
Suits me fine.
23. Your mood?
Ready to relax.
24. Your friends?
Loyal, forgiving, reliable
25. What are you thinking about right now?
Projects to grade.
26. Your car?
Shitbox, fits kayak
27. What are you doing at this moment?
Hello, pay attention!
28. Your summer?
Choir, Cape, Garden
29. Your relationship status?
Unfettered, sluttish, hopeful.
30. What is on your TV screen?
Lots of dust.
31. When is the last time you laughed?
Five, ten minutes
32. Last time you cried?
Early this morning.
33. School?
My daily joy.
34. Why did this end so abruptly?
I don't know.
1. Where is your cell phone?
In my pants.
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend?
Might be nice.
3. Hair?
Glossy, cascading, fabulous
4. Your mother?
Funny, comforting, friend
5. Your father?
Brilliant, hilarious, orderly
6. Your favorite item(s)?
Chenille, photos, bed
7. Your dream last night?
Haunting, reminiscent, troublesome
8. Your favorite drink?
Bold dark roast
9. Your dream guy/girl?
Funny, decadent midwesterner
10. The room you are in?
Sage green, dragonflies
11. Your fear?
Big hairy spider.
12. What do you want to be in 10 years?
Teacher, healthy, writer
13. Who did you hang out with last night?
Will and Grace
14. What are you not?
apologetic of flaws
15. Are you in love?
Ask me tomorrow.
16. One of your wish list items?
Trip to Scotland
17. What time is it?
Getta fuckin' watch.
18. The last thing you did?
One hour yoga.
19. What are you wearing?
Pajama pants, tanktop
20. Your favorite book?
The Poisonwood Bible
21. The last thing you ate?
Soybeans, chicken, tea
22. Your life?
Suits me fine.
23. Your mood?
Ready to relax.
24. Your friends?
Loyal, forgiving, reliable
25. What are you thinking about right now?
Projects to grade.
26. Your car?
Shitbox, fits kayak
27. What are you doing at this moment?
Hello, pay attention!
28. Your summer?
Choir, Cape, Garden
29. Your relationship status?
Unfettered, sluttish, hopeful.
30. What is on your TV screen?
Lots of dust.
31. When is the last time you laughed?
Five, ten minutes
32. Last time you cried?
Early this morning.
33. School?
My daily joy.
34. Why did this end so abruptly?
I don't know.
August 20, 2006
The Down & Dirty Blog Frolic (II): Tickle Torture, Spinnerina Style
The subject: Spinning Girl, freshly home from vacation and bleary-eyed from her month of homelessness. Having subjected herself to an open question-and-answer session here, she must now face the music.
Slyde said... a question, huh? ok...why don't you ever call? It’s lonely out here in the cyberverse...p.s. it was nice to see you drop by the site the other week. I was honored :)
I tried to call, but it keeps telling me that you were away from your desk at the moment, or with a client. What do you do, work for a living?!? Also, your blog is hot stuff; your template messes with my browser, though, so I only stop by when I have the patience.
miss kendra said... how far is spinning girl's house, Connecticut from say, Salem Massachusetts? And would spinning girl's house be amenable to a visit say, around the holidays, were someone from California to find herself suddenly on the east coast?
I am exactly 101.101 miles from Salem. This distance can be traversed by the spinmobile in less than 2 hours. Your wish is my command! Beware, though, for Salem (as you well know) is a hotbed of anti-feminine activity. I speak, of course, of the witch trials of old.
Übermilf said... Let no one claim Estonian women aren't hot.
This story speaks for itself. And let us not forget the hottie in the ballpit. Meowr!
DaMasta said... When can I move in?
Yesterday. No, the day before.
"K" Fingerett said... I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on your last "Discuss" post aka the "wtf post" ...Now for a question...Maybe I missed it, because you post so often and I don't get on hear as much as I used to... But, what ever happened to the monkey?
Since you are relatively new to the scene, and started coming around after the Monkey heyday, I will forgive your use of the term “The Monkey”. I must warn you, however, that he would be greatly disdained by your use of this term. He is simply “Monkey”; just as you aren’t “The Fingerett.” I won’t tell him, though, and let’s just keep your error on the QT; otherwise we would be covered with pellets o’ poo.
As for Monkey’s whereabouts, I believe he is resting. After our visit in January, when we fell in love, Monkey was quite heartbroken. He has been spotted from time to time, which eases my mind as to his well-being. Monkeys need their rest, and his hiatus corresponds perfectly with the hibernation period (a little-known fact) of wild monkeys, so I am not worried. If I see him, I will tell him that you asked after him.
Lee Ann said... Why do men have nipples?
To hold their titanium jewelry, of course.
UberGoober said... What is the air speed and velocity of a Sparrow carrying a one-pound coconut?
To answer this question, please consult the following pictogram.
Slyde said... a question, huh? ok...why don't you ever call? It’s lonely out here in the cyberverse...p.s. it was nice to see you drop by the site the other week. I was honored :)
I tried to call, but it keeps telling me that you were away from your desk at the moment, or with a client. What do you do, work for a living?!? Also, your blog is hot stuff; your template messes with my browser, though, so I only stop by when I have the patience.
miss kendra said... how far is spinning girl's house, Connecticut from say, Salem Massachusetts? And would spinning girl's house be amenable to a visit say, around the holidays, were someone from California to find herself suddenly on the east coast?
I am exactly 101.101 miles from Salem. This distance can be traversed by the spinmobile in less than 2 hours. Your wish is my command! Beware, though, for Salem (as you well know) is a hotbed of anti-feminine activity. I speak, of course, of the witch trials of old.
Übermilf said... Let no one claim Estonian women aren't hot.
This story speaks for itself. And let us not forget the hottie in the ballpit. Meowr!
DaMasta said... When can I move in?
Yesterday. No, the day before.
"K" Fingerett said... I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on your last "Discuss" post aka the "wtf post" ...Now for a question...Maybe I missed it, because you post so often and I don't get on hear as much as I used to... But, what ever happened to the monkey?
Since you are relatively new to the scene, and started coming around after the Monkey heyday, I will forgive your use of the term “The Monkey”. I must warn you, however, that he would be greatly disdained by your use of this term. He is simply “Monkey”; just as you aren’t “The Fingerett.” I won’t tell him, though, and let’s just keep your error on the QT; otherwise we would be covered with pellets o’ poo.
As for Monkey’s whereabouts, I believe he is resting. After our visit in January, when we fell in love, Monkey was quite heartbroken. He has been spotted from time to time, which eases my mind as to his well-being. Monkeys need their rest, and his hiatus corresponds perfectly with the hibernation period (a little-known fact) of wild monkeys, so I am not worried. If I see him, I will tell him that you asked after him.
Lee Ann said... Why do men have nipples?
To hold their titanium jewelry, of course.
UberGoober said... What is the air speed and velocity of a Sparrow carrying a one-pound coconut?
To answer this question, please consult the following pictogram.
Then, use this simple formula to do the necessary calculations. Duh!
Lightning Bug's Butt said... Do you think tumbleweeds ever find the other bushes lazy?
It is well known that tumbleweeds have a rather holier-than-thou attitude in their approach to all other flora.
Madge said... Do you have any pets?
I had the most wonderful cat, Juku, who died in 2001 of heart failure. I may have another cat soon, now that I don’t have a bitchy landlord.
tits mcgee said... Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Because, just like you, they long to be close to me.
Brooke said... Do you wanna make love? Or do you just wanna fool around?
Is it the first date? Then no. But if we've been out a few times, I'll let you feel me up over my sweater, a little bit.
Juliabohemian said... Why a chicken? Why not a duck?
My thoughts exactly. The goose is also under-represented.
Osbasso said... Verdi "Requiem" in May, 2007. Wanna come out?
Music brings people together.
B.E. Earl said... Why hasn't "Boy's Life" by McCammon been adapted to the big screen yet?
Way overdue. I would hope the director could do it justice. Otherwise, I’d prefer my imagination to any artist’s rendering. Definitely one of my top 5 favorite books of ALL TIME (trust me on this one, folks, and go out & get it).
Kat said... ...seeing as it's been on my mind lately...how do you feel about half torsos?
On myself, I prefer a whole torso. In art, I much prefer a half torso to a headless full torso.
kris said... Dear SG, Not the most positive question, but . . .What is your biggest regret?
I have a few regrets, which I keep to myself. My biggest regret involves throwing something away, which I needed later. But I believe that DaMasta’s no-regrets philosophy is a good one, and I try to model myself after that now that I have discovered it. Thanks, chica, for helping me to live a better life.
jamwall said... yeah, what's your new address? Its time to resume the swap-o-crap proceedings! :) you can e-mail that to me, btw.WORD VERIFICATION: YVEGBOY <--- yodeling veggie boy
B.E. Earl said... Why hasn't "Boy's Life" by McCammon been adapted to the big screen yet?
Way overdue. I would hope the director could do it justice. Otherwise, I’d prefer my imagination to any artist’s rendering. Definitely one of my top 5 favorite books of ALL TIME (trust me on this one, folks, and go out & get it).
Kat said... ...seeing as it's been on my mind lately...how do you feel about half torsos?
On myself, I prefer a whole torso. In art, I much prefer a half torso to a headless full torso.
kris said... Dear SG, Not the most positive question, but . . .What is your biggest regret?
I have a few regrets, which I keep to myself. My biggest regret involves throwing something away, which I needed later. But I believe that DaMasta’s no-regrets philosophy is a good one, and I try to model myself after that now that I have discovered it. Thanks, chica, for helping me to live a better life.
jamwall said... yeah, what's your new address? Its time to resume the swap-o-crap proceedings! :) you can e-mail that to me, btw.WORD VERIFICATION: YVEGBOY <--- yodeling veggie boy
The swap-o-crap is one of my favorite blog inventions. Bring it on!
DaMasta said... ... And how soon after I move in can I start sleeping in your bed?
Right after you buy me dinner and rub my feet, just like everybody else. Plus, you are already in the pigpile, so it's just a matter of acquiring a proper blanket.
Anonymous said... are you really related to jiggs casey?
Jiggs and I hope to marry, so after we tie the knot he will be related to me and all my brood.
hyena9 said... What is your personal philosophy on life?
Don’t overthink it.
Bill said ... I have several questions:
Why is it funnier to say bum than it is to say ass?
I must disagree. But funnier than both of these is “coolie”, and the topper is “gadonkadonk”.
Why do very old men on buses who sit beside you make unconscious loud smacking sounds with their lips?
Because, despite the fact that their ears are huge, they can’t actually hear well enough to know that they are making sounds.
How do people tell the difference between a fart and a dump? I mean, how do they know they aren't just going to shit their pants when they let go?
I find potty humor childish and tasteless (as evidenced here and here), so I will not dignify that with a response.
mp said... Why do you pretend not to be a lesbian?
Because most of the gals who hit on me really aren’t my type, and I hope that by laying low I will happen upon the love of my life unexpectedly at Home Depot.
Dave Morris said... Do bees do doobies?
No.
jiggs said... she sells sea shells by the sea shore. Can you say that 5 times fast?
Watch your mail for the bill to replace my monitor after it blew a fuse because of “moisture of unknown origin”.
BadGod said... What is Fermat's Last Theorem? How was it solved? Which is more powerful, gravity or electricity? What is the biological basis of consciousness? The GUT-Power (Grand Unified Theory) was divided into four fundamental powers. Name them and your least favorite sexual position.
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover !
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover !
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!
The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!
A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice !
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.
(Kubla Khan or A Vision in a Dream, a Fragment -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge.)
... and my favorite position is the one where you keep scrubbing and scrubbing the blackboard while I stand over you and thrash you with a shelalegh, insisting that it is still dirty, and then you cry.
BadGod said... Also......Name three machines that are 'soulful' according to Jeremy Clarkson. I’m waiting, woman.
1. The George Foreman grill.
2. The close-and-play record player.
3. The weed whacker.
t2ed said... Why did Chris Robinson & Kate Hudson?
Because Nipsy Russel.
Rrramone said... Why?
Because no matter how high the ladder climbs, there’s always one more rung.
And because you were bad.
Sleep Goblin said... How likely is Spinning Girl to be in the Louisville, Kentucky area on October 21st, when her good friend Sleep Goblin is getting married?
I’ve consulted my astrological chart, and my magic 9-ball. While most signs point to “probably not”, there is a giant possibility of some serious snail-mail-love coming your way right around that time.
Bill said... How many times have you watched "Christmas in Connecticut"?
Precisely zero. Celebrated Christmas ... 37 times.
MadMeer said... You know what would be good? If you would stop being on holiday, that is what would be good. Okay okay. I'll ask your damn question, but I won't like it! What should I be when I grow up? Oh, and now that I am unpacked, I have something for you. Can you send me your address? I promise it will not be anything stored in a Christmas tin.
Bring it on! As for what you should be when you grow up, how about a pastry chef? In my own kitchen?
miss kendra said... when will my lawyer get the insurance company to give me my damn money so I can move on with my life?
Yesterday. No, the day before.
Will I be as cool as you someday?
Honey, your level of coolness is my goal.
FRITZ said... What does your favorite bra look like?
I prefer to support my breasts with one of these.
Lee Ann said... How long are you going to be gone?
This time, only a week. Someday, I will be gone forever.
FU said... what's green and smells like pork?............Kermit’s finger.ok.. Not really a question. coz I gave the answer.ok here's a question: do you get dizzy from constantly spinning?
That is a great joke. It gives me a visual that is unmatched in its ability to promote dry heaves. As for spinning, I don’t actually spin on the Z axis (as BOBI once imagined). Instead, I spin a long and winding tale.
Bill said... Where the hell are you holidaying? The moon? Get your ass back here!
I brought you some green cheese and an American flag that I found.
Ricardo Montalbán said... Why have you forsaken me?
Tattoo was my first love, you know.
Freiya said... Hmmmm, a question.......what sky type event (like eclipses, northern lights, pretty atmospheric stuff) do you want to see most? oh and a more general one, what one item you have would you save if you could only save one thing?
I would love to see the green flash. And if I could save just one thing, it would be my leather box full of photos.
jiggs said... you're back!!!
Barely!
Kat said... I concur with Bill. It’s very hard to stalk someone when you don't know where they are.the wv gods need me to round up the pigs now: runhogz
Soooo-eeeeeee!
I have so many restraining orders against people from blogland; one more won’t make a difference.
aughra said... The first election you ever voted in, and what about it that made you passionate about politics. This is assuming that you are passionate about politics. But, why did you choose that election as your first, and for whom did you vote?
The very first election I voted in was in second grade when we had to vote for the class hall monitor for the month of October. I chose Amy Campbell, because I liked her red hair; it made her seem feisty and strong. Later that year she untied my wrap-around skirt and it fell down in front of the whole cafeteria, and I regretted my choice. Fuck you, Amy Campbell! As for political elections, I think the next one will matter most of all.
DaMasta said... I missed you, too! So glad you're back.
There’s no place like home. (repeat 3x)
DaMasta said... ... And how soon after I move in can I start sleeping in your bed?
Right after you buy me dinner and rub my feet, just like everybody else. Plus, you are already in the pigpile, so it's just a matter of acquiring a proper blanket.
Anonymous said... are you really related to jiggs casey?
Jiggs and I hope to marry, so after we tie the knot he will be related to me and all my brood.
hyena9 said... What is your personal philosophy on life?
Don’t overthink it.
Bill said ... I have several questions:
Why is it funnier to say bum than it is to say ass?
I must disagree. But funnier than both of these is “coolie”, and the topper is “gadonkadonk”.
Why do very old men on buses who sit beside you make unconscious loud smacking sounds with their lips?
Because, despite the fact that their ears are huge, they can’t actually hear well enough to know that they are making sounds.
How do people tell the difference between a fart and a dump? I mean, how do they know they aren't just going to shit their pants when they let go?
I find potty humor childish and tasteless (as evidenced here and here), so I will not dignify that with a response.
mp said... Why do you pretend not to be a lesbian?
Because most of the gals who hit on me really aren’t my type, and I hope that by laying low I will happen upon the love of my life unexpectedly at Home Depot.
Dave Morris said... Do bees do doobies?
No.
jiggs said... she sells sea shells by the sea shore. Can you say that 5 times fast?
Watch your mail for the bill to replace my monitor after it blew a fuse because of “moisture of unknown origin”.
BadGod said... What is Fermat's Last Theorem? How was it solved? Which is more powerful, gravity or electricity? What is the biological basis of consciousness? The GUT-Power (Grand Unified Theory) was divided into four fundamental powers. Name them and your least favorite sexual position.
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover !
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover !
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!
The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!
A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice !
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.
(Kubla Khan or A Vision in a Dream, a Fragment -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge.)
... and my favorite position is the one where you keep scrubbing and scrubbing the blackboard while I stand over you and thrash you with a shelalegh, insisting that it is still dirty, and then you cry.
BadGod said... Also......Name three machines that are 'soulful' according to Jeremy Clarkson. I’m waiting, woman.
1. The George Foreman grill.
2. The close-and-play record player.
3. The weed whacker.
t2ed said... Why did Chris Robinson & Kate Hudson?
Because Nipsy Russel.
Rrramone said... Why?
Because no matter how high the ladder climbs, there’s always one more rung.
And because you were bad.
Sleep Goblin said... How likely is Spinning Girl to be in the Louisville, Kentucky area on October 21st, when her good friend Sleep Goblin is getting married?
I’ve consulted my astrological chart, and my magic 9-ball. While most signs point to “probably not”, there is a giant possibility of some serious snail-mail-love coming your way right around that time.
Bill said... How many times have you watched "Christmas in Connecticut"?
Precisely zero. Celebrated Christmas ... 37 times.
MadMeer said... You know what would be good? If you would stop being on holiday, that is what would be good. Okay okay. I'll ask your damn question, but I won't like it! What should I be when I grow up? Oh, and now that I am unpacked, I have something for you. Can you send me your address? I promise it will not be anything stored in a Christmas tin.
Bring it on! As for what you should be when you grow up, how about a pastry chef? In my own kitchen?
miss kendra said... when will my lawyer get the insurance company to give me my damn money so I can move on with my life?
Yesterday. No, the day before.
Will I be as cool as you someday?
Honey, your level of coolness is my goal.
FRITZ said... What does your favorite bra look like?
I prefer to support my breasts with one of these.
Lee Ann said... How long are you going to be gone?
This time, only a week. Someday, I will be gone forever.
FU said... what's green and smells like pork?............Kermit’s finger.ok.. Not really a question. coz I gave the answer.ok here's a question: do you get dizzy from constantly spinning?
That is a great joke. It gives me a visual that is unmatched in its ability to promote dry heaves. As for spinning, I don’t actually spin on the Z axis (as BOBI once imagined). Instead, I spin a long and winding tale.
Bill said... Where the hell are you holidaying? The moon? Get your ass back here!
I brought you some green cheese and an American flag that I found.
Ricardo Montalbán said... Why have you forsaken me?
Tattoo was my first love, you know.
Freiya said... Hmmmm, a question.......what sky type event (like eclipses, northern lights, pretty atmospheric stuff) do you want to see most? oh and a more general one, what one item you have would you save if you could only save one thing?
I would love to see the green flash. And if I could save just one thing, it would be my leather box full of photos.
jiggs said... you're back!!!
Barely!
Kat said... I concur with Bill. It’s very hard to stalk someone when you don't know where they are.the wv gods need me to round up the pigs now: runhogz
Soooo-eeeeeee!
I have so many restraining orders against people from blogland; one more won’t make a difference.
aughra said... The first election you ever voted in, and what about it that made you passionate about politics. This is assuming that you are passionate about politics. But, why did you choose that election as your first, and for whom did you vote?
The very first election I voted in was in second grade when we had to vote for the class hall monitor for the month of October. I chose Amy Campbell, because I liked her red hair; it made her seem feisty and strong. Later that year she untied my wrap-around skirt and it fell down in front of the whole cafeteria, and I regretted my choice. Fuck you, Amy Campbell! As for political elections, I think the next one will matter most of all.
DaMasta said... I missed you, too! So glad you're back.
There’s no place like home. (repeat 3x)
July 04, 2006
The Bounty of the Harvest
My peas post drew some wonderful comments as well as questions about my father's garden; here then are some more of the delicious green things to be found therein!
Beans.Many a happy childhood summer
was spent weeding these tidy rows.
Rhubarb.
What Estonian garden would be complete
without this staple of pies and kissell?
Tomatoes.
Garlic.
Every year, he plants about 100 more than the year before.
Friends and family get bulbs of garlic as presents.
Dill.
The herb of choice.
It goes in everything.
Even scrambled eggs.
Red currants.
Another Estonian staple;
black currants too.
For the best jam
and the most delicious wine
You have ever tasted,
You have not lived, my friend,
until you have tasted this.
Raspberries.
Other green things that are being/have been grown in the garden but do not appear in these photos:
potatoes
corn
asparagus
Jerusalem artichoke
peppers
eggplant
carrots
chives
cucumbers
squash
zucchini
pumpkins
oregano
mint
thyme
leeks
onions
probably others that I've forgotten.
Oh, and here's a grapefruit tree that my twin sister grew from a seed she found in a breakfast grapefruit one day. She started it when we were 7, and it has been trimmed numerous times. It's about 7 feet tall.
June 29, 2006
Ding! Peas are done.
Have you ever eaten peas straight off the vine, fresh from the pod? It is one of life's unequalled pleasures. Definitely in the Top 10 Spinning Girl Best Things Ever (this list also includes Beethoven's 9th Symphony, Aurora Borealis, and the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. So the peas are in good company).
Here is how they grow, supported by twine and climbing,
tendril by tendril, skyward.
This is my father's garden.
When the pod is firm but still bright green, the peas are ripe!
There's a trick to opening the pod. I learned it from my grandfather
and must demonstrate to show you correctly.
Look at those babies, all lined up, just waiting for me.
Their taste is summer itself.
June 04, 2006
Results of the Pear & Vajayjay Contest
Contest over!
The winners of this contest are Gracie and Miss Kendra! Congratulations!!! If you would like your prize mailed to you, please supply me a mailing address and it will be on its way posthaste! I haven't decided what the prize is yet, but you can be fairly certain that it will be crap from my house.
Answers:
The pear was photographed at my grandfather's orchard, where all the fruit trees he tended while alive have gone wild. Thank you Gracie, for paying such close attention, even though you are a lurker and a stalker and that gives me a strange feeling in my tickle-place. Here is an excerpt from the post entitled Feral Fruits, where I describe it in full:
The pear was photographed at my grandfather's orchard, where all the fruit trees he tended while alive have gone wild. Thank you Gracie, for paying such close attention, even though you are a lurker and a stalker and that gives me a strange feeling in my tickle-place. Here is an excerpt from the post entitled Feral Fruits, where I describe it in full:
Recently, on a visit to upstate New York, I meandered the old plantings to look at the fruit. Pears, apples, and concord grapes are ripe now. I ate some, though I had to eat around the wormy parts. I thought it would make me sad to see the gardens gone wild, but instead it made me feel a fierce nostalgic pride that I can hardly begin to put into words. Here, eight years after his death, I see my grandfather's spirit. In these growing things, propagating on their own and insisting upon living, I see his legacy. I know that if anyone ever wanted to start fighting the bugs and weeds again, they could, and they would reap unparalleled rewards.
These untamed, blemished fruits are somehow beautiful to me. They bear life's scars and survive proudly without anyone's help. A few months of tender loving care and no one would ever suspect that they were feral fruits for several years.
"Vajayjay", whether it came from a TV show or not, was first uttered in my comment thread by Bobby, which forever endeared him to me, and made me want to lie nakedly upon him, even though he likes boys. It gave me such a giggle that I wrote it first in my profile, to replace "this bag is not a toy," then gave it the seat of honor at the top of my blog. Miss Kendra came the closest with her guesses, and even though she tied Gracie, I don't want to send Gracie two pieces of house-crap (although ... matching cock and hen salt-n-pepper shakers might be a treat).
These untamed, blemished fruits are somehow beautiful to me. They bear life's scars and survive proudly without anyone's help. A few months of tender loving care and no one would ever suspect that they were feral fruits for several years.
"Vajayjay", whether it came from a TV show or not, was first uttered in my comment thread by Bobby, which forever endeared him to me, and made me want to lie nakedly upon him, even though he likes boys. It gave me such a giggle that I wrote it first in my profile, to replace "this bag is not a toy," then gave it the seat of honor at the top of my blog. Miss Kendra came the closest with her guesses, and even though she tied Gracie, I don't want to send Gracie two pieces of house-crap (although ... matching cock and hen salt-n-pepper shakers might be a treat).
Here is Bobby's original comment:
Bobby said...
if only you had a penis. we could always save up for one, but it's just not the same. love you anyway, vajayjay and all.
if only you had a penis. we could always save up for one, but it's just not the same. love you anyway, vajayjay and all.
Thank you to everyone for playing, and to Big Wheel for providing the inspiration.
January 05, 2006
No Crib for His Head Bed
My friend's mother puts her Nativity set out every Christmas. For years, the mantelpiece has been graced by the loving watchfulness of Mary and Joseph over their sleeping infant child.
One year, she lost the Jesus. Nobody could find it anywhere; it's possible that the dog chewed it, or maybe it just got spirited away. For several Christmases thereafter, though the figurines made their annual appearance, the manger sat empty under Mary and Joseph's gaze.
Then, lo! One day, my friend's mother found the perfect replacement at a flea market. The family was reunited once more! Gather all ye shepherds and shepherdesses to gaze upon the child king, asleep on the hay:
Egad!
It appears that the local flea market didn't have Jesi in quite the correct sizes! Either that, or perhaps, in his sojourn away from Bethlehem, our young friend developed a case of Acromegaly*. How alarming! I fear that at any moment, the overlarge infant will suffocate one of his parents (well, earthly parents) when he rolls in his sleep!
I'm not a Believer, and maybe that is why I can easily make fun, but doesn't it seem like many people with Nativities seem to get it all wrong? As some of you know, my neighbor's Mary is sinking in quicksand as she protects her young babe from the talons of a nearby bird of prey. And don't even get me started with Mary on the Half Shell.
To me, any solemnity that I may feel about the salvation of my soul is instantly lost when a freakish doll, who is supposed to represent a divine being, is put into strange positions, exposed to precarious situations, or subjected to abnormal hormonal treatment. I would feel much better if I were just raking my Zen garden or contemplating my navel. But perhaps this inability to transcend reality is why I am bound to this earthly life. Maybe next year, I'll get my friend's mom a Pyrex roaster pan filled with grass for the Jesus, and try again.
* This serious condition, caused by a pituitary tumor and overproduction of human Growth Hormone, is no laughing matter. In children, whose bones are yet unformed, it leads to gigantism and serious health problems. The most famous acromegalic (until now, that is!) was Andre "the Giant", who unfortunately wore out his overworked heart and died in 1993 at the age of 46. Learn everything you ever wanted to know about Acromegaly right here.
One year, she lost the Jesus. Nobody could find it anywhere; it's possible that the dog chewed it, or maybe it just got spirited away. For several Christmases thereafter, though the figurines made their annual appearance, the manger sat empty under Mary and Joseph's gaze.Then, lo! One day, my friend's mother found the perfect replacement at a flea market. The family was reunited once more! Gather all ye shepherds and shepherdesses to gaze upon the child king, asleep on the hay:
Egad!
It appears that the local flea market didn't have Jesi in quite the correct sizes! Either that, or perhaps, in his sojourn away from Bethlehem, our young friend developed a case of Acromegaly*. How alarming! I fear that at any moment, the overlarge infant will suffocate one of his parents (well, earthly parents) when he rolls in his sleep!
I'm not a Believer, and maybe that is why I can easily make fun, but doesn't it seem like many people with Nativities seem to get it all wrong? As some of you know, my neighbor's Mary is sinking in quicksand as she protects her young babe from the talons of a nearby bird of prey. And don't even get me started with Mary on the Half Shell.
To me, any solemnity that I may feel about the salvation of my soul is instantly lost when a freakish doll, who is supposed to represent a divine being, is put into strange positions, exposed to precarious situations, or subjected to abnormal hormonal treatment. I would feel much better if I were just raking my Zen garden or contemplating my navel. But perhaps this inability to transcend reality is why I am bound to this earthly life. Maybe next year, I'll get my friend's mom a Pyrex roaster pan filled with grass for the Jesus, and try again.
* This serious condition, caused by a pituitary tumor and overproduction of human Growth Hormone, is no laughing matter. In children, whose bones are yet unformed, it leads to gigantism and serious health problems. The most famous acromegalic (until now, that is!) was Andre "the Giant", who unfortunately wore out his overworked heart and died in 1993 at the age of 46. Learn everything you ever wanted to know about Acromegaly right here.
September 27, 2005
Feral Fruits
When my grandfather was alive, his fruit trees and gardens were the family's pride and joy. The happiest memories of my childhood stem from those fragrant trees, which I climbed and then stayed in for hours. When the cherries were ripe, we literally ate ourselves sick. Apple season found us picking all the windfalls into barrels and then cutting out all the apples' bad spots before throwing them into the cider press. No bad apples ever went into that cider, and its frothy freshness was the best thing I have tasted, before or since.
The variety of fruits and vegetables kept my grandfather busy for the entire growing season. Between pruning, spraying, and picking, there was more work than a single man should be able to handle. He handled it, though, with love. We enjoyed the fruits of his labor (literally) all year long: Cherries, peaches, plums, apricots, apples, pears, kiwi, grapes, blueberries, raspberries, gooseberries, currants, strawberries, tomatoes, potatoes, carrots, melons, cucumbers, squash, pumpkins ... and I only name the best of the harvest; there was much more. Since my grandfather passed away, the orchards and vineyard have slowly gone wild; it is simply too much work for those of us who remain.
Recently, on a visit to upstate New York, I meandered the old plantings to look at the fruit. Pears, apples, and concord grapes are ripe now. I ate some, though I had to eat around the wormy parts. I thought it would make me sad to see the gardens gone wild, but instead it made me feel a fierce nostalgic pride that I can hardly begin to put into words. Here, eight years after his death, I see my grandfather's spirit. In these growing things, propagating on their own and insisting upon living, I see his legacy. I know that if anyone ever wanted to start fighting the bugs and weeds again, they could, and they would reap unparalleled rewards.
These untamed, blemished fruits are somehow beautiful to me. They bear life's scars and survive proudly without anyone's help. A few months of tender loving care and no one would ever suspect that they were feral fruits for several years.
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