December 23, 2007

Repost: Thou shalt slay twenty oxen a day to satisfy His gigantic appetite!

I have just received a remarkable photo in the mail from my friend, and it must be shared! Some of you may remember my Jesus: Acromegaly post from January (reposted below for your pleasure). My friend, who read (and loved) the post has sent me the actual photo from the freakish nativity. I feel that my photoshopping was pretty true to life, but I actually under-represented the size discrepancy between the infant messiah and his parents, and left out all of the other tasteful decorations in the display. A picture speaks a thousand words, so here:

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Here is the text of the original post:


No Crib for His Head Bed (January 5, 2006)

My friend's mother puts her Nativity set out every Christmas. For years, the mantelpiece has been graced by the loving watchfulness of Mary and Joseph over their sleeping infant child.

One year, she lost the Jesus. Nobody could find it anywhere; it's possible that the dog chewed it, or maybe it just got spirited away. For several Christmases thereafter, though the figurines made their annual appearance, the manger sat empty under Mary and Joseph's gaze.

Then, lo! One day, my friend's mother found the perfect replacement at a flea market. The family was reunited once more! Gather all ye shepherds and shepherdesses to gaze upon the child king, asleep on the hay:

Egad!

It appears that the local flea market didn't have Jesi in quite the correct sizes! Either that, or perhaps, in his sojourn away from Bethlehem, our young friend developed a case of Acromegaly*. How alarming! I fear that at any moment, the overlarge infant will suffocate one of his parents (well, earthly parents) when he rolls in his sleep!

I'm not a Believer, and maybe that is why I can easily make fun, but doesn't it seem like many people with Nativities seem to get it all wrong? As some of you know, my neighbor's Mary is sinking in quicksand as she protects her young babe from the talons of a nearby bird of prey. And don't even get me started with Mary on the Half Shell.

To me, any solemnity that I may feel about the salvation of my soul is instantly lost when a freakish doll, who is supposed to represent a divine being, is put into strange positions, exposed to precarious situations, or subjected to abnormal hormonal treatment. I would feel much better if I were just raking my Zen garden or contemplating my navel. But perhaps this inability to transcend reality is why I am bound to this earthly life. Maybe next year, I'll get my friend's mom a pyrex roaster pan filled with grass for the Jesus, and try again.

* This serious condition, caused by a pituitary tumor and overproduction of human Growth Hormone, is no laughing matter. In children, whose bones are yet unformed, it leads to gigantism and serious health problems. The most famous acromegalic (until now, that is!) was Andre "the Giant", who unfortunately wore out his overworked heart and died in 1993 at the age of 46. Learn everything you ever wanted to know about Acromegaly right here.

14 comments:

Madge said...

It's quite possible that the baby Jesus in your friend's photo is really a teddy bear...in Jesus clothes.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

That is hilarious!

jamwall said...

when i was a kid, the next door neighbor's dog came over and ate baby jesus. so we replaced him with steve austin from "the six million dollar man."

put your faith in steve austin spinning girl.

let us pray....

dun-nuhnuhnuhnuhnuh.....

Juliabohemian said...

just think of it as hierarchal proportions.

also, my mother in law's nativity had snowmen.

Bill said...

I've often heard that spiritual things were bigger than me. This may explain the baby Jesus with an Andre the Giant quality. Perhaps that's the next big thing in pro wrestling - Baby Jesus, the Destroyer!

Well, you never know.

BadGod said...

My dick suffers from "giganti-fuckinghuge-ist"

True story.

FRITZ said...

Oh, dear Heavenly Giant Jesus Baby:

Please do not eat all of my Christmas candy.

Yeah: Madge...what about the Easter version of the teddy bear...on a cross?

DaMasta said...

Christmas equals my birthday!

Halleluiah!

Tim said...

Mary looks great considering what she just pushed out of her.

miss kendra said...

the baby jesus is terrifying.

what if he eats the wise men?

BlogLaughs said...

Big wheels keep on turning
Proud Mary keeps on burning

MadMeer said...

Frightening and hilarious.

This post (and re-post) easily represents my entire outlook on organized religion.

jamwall said...

Hi, I'm Jesus, I have an extra Y chromosome.

Anamika Anyone said...

What a freakish coincidence! One of the malls here had a nativity scene with a ridiculously large baby Jesus, and I was about to write about it. Guess you beat me to it! After looking at the strange scene, all I could think of was: I'm glad the mother is a virgin.. :)