Drum roll please!!

OK, everyone has had long enough to share their input, so I must now announce the winners of my Art Contest. They turned out the way that I, myself, was leaning, so at least we are all in agreement about who can draw and who can almost draw. I'm a little sad that my muse and secret lover (Jamwall) only got honorable mention with one vote (his own); I had to vote my conscience (Tits). I hope that Jamwall will still treat me like an object and paddle my behind with blunt objects despite my betrayal.

Now then:

FIRST PLACE: Tits McGee

SECOND PLACE: Butchie



HONORABLE MENTION: Jamwall and Pope Terry

The first and second prize winners will receive crap from my house that has been incubated inside my shirt and/or pants for at least 3 hours, as soon as I have their mailing addresses and I find the appropriate crap to send, something that exemplifies the scope and beauty of this contest.

Everyone gets a certificate! Please print your certificate and display it proudly. See below.

Thank you to all who partcipiated. This contest has changed my view of you irreversibly and irrevocably. And all the other ir- words.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Art Contest Extravaganza!

While all of you are getting ready to watch the Superbowl, I am agonizing over the most difficult decision of my life. I speak, of course, of my art contest and the volume of fine artwork that I received in response to my challenge. First of all, thank you and congratulations to all who entered. You are all winners!!! I did disqualify one entry that came in from Think Frustrated. Upon viewing your entries, it seemed to me that your drawings had nothing to do with my contest at all, and you were just trying to get us all to come look at your stick figures. Nice try. They were cute though. Had you even drawn a turtle shell on one of your drawings, you would have been totally in.

As I studied the entries, I found myself in a true dilemma. Each of them is appealing in its own way, disturbing different aspects of my psyche at turns.

Take a look:

Jamwall

"Sheer beauty and absolute terror at the same time."

I find this entry to be the most disturbed, and disturbing, of the four I received. There's sure a lot going on here. To me, it represent the soullessness of modern man and the quest for greatness in a milieu of mediocrity. Or else that Jamwall has been eating mind-altering mushrooms.

Pope Terry

"here's my entry, it's enititled skippy the weredeer.

If this isn't spinning girl then apologies and disregard this message."

By far the best part of Pope Terry's entry is the fact that it is drawn on what appears to be the back of some sort of work-related booklet, like maybe he was sitting in a meeting drawing this. Well, that and the giant brain.

Butchie

"If I don't win this there is no God."

Butchie's entry fills me with a confusing mixture of desire and loathing. I can't stop staring at that tiny little pierced penis. I want to touch it, and then tear the paper into tiny pieces.

(make usre you click-through for maximum enjoyment)

Tits McGee

"Drawing this cheered me up more than I can say."

Tits has been campaigning the hardest for a win, as seen in her comments. Hers was also the first entry to come in, which tells me that she really embraced the contest with her full bosom. I also like the sort of passive smirk on the Bambi, and the sideline encouragement of the turtle.

Now I find myself faced with the monumental task of choosing a winner, and I cannot do it alone. I guess this is why I never got a job at the Art Institute of America. It is simply too difficult!! Please weigh in on the following poll and I will consider your input when I make my final decision. I have also decided to send a prize to both the winner and the runner-up. I don't know what it will be, but you are guaranteed that it is crap from my house (the best kind of prize, as history has taught us).
Now then:

[NOW UPDATED!] Are you ready for art school?: A Spinning Girl Contest

Are you a Michelangelo trapped inside the body of a regular guy or gal? By golly, I think you are! And it's time for you to tap into that hidden talent! If you're not convinced, watch this stimulating, fast-paced, modern, inspiring video:

Now if you're ready, please draw one of the following characters and submit it to me. I will judge your work and if I choose your drawing* as the winning entry, I will mail you a fabulous prize! First, the rules:

1. You are not limited to hand drawn-sketches (although I have received one that is quite enthralling from Tits McGee). You may represent the subjects in any media, including sculpture, still-life, photography, written piece (haiku, short story, recipe), live reenactment with living animals, MS Paint, video, collage, yarn art, knitting, hokked rug, etc. No mimeographing!

2. You must email me your entry by midnight (EST) on January 31. That's 2 short weeks in which you could change your life!

3. You may submit as many entries as you like.

Good luck! Now sharpen your pencils!

Here are your lucky subjects (choose just one ... or draw all three in a ménage à trois ... whatever tickles your pickle!):

* notice I did not say If I decide your drawing most closely resembles the original in any way.

If you liked this, you may be interested in past contest-related posts.

Spinning Girl and Friends in the Kitchen: I Make Such a Better Caesar Salad than Jamwall!

Boy, do I love food. And more than food, I love a competition. Especially when I am competing against someone who is so confident that he is going to win that he doesn't even try. I speak, of course, of my secret lover and arch-nemesis, Jamwall. You may recall that in an earlier post I mentioned that we will be competing in a Caesar Salad Recipe contest. He immediately took the crouton and ran with it, trying to show me up with his crazy bottled dressing antics over at Not really a food blog, is it now?.com. Well, I am here today to prove to Jamwall that not only am I willing to dress up like a cowgirl and stand in those funny positions no matter how bad he makes me feel about myself, but I am also a fabulous cook!

Without further ado, my recipe:

The Perfect Caesar Salad

Jamwall's Submission

Step 1. Open Jamwall's salad mailing and take one look at the lettuce; decide not to eat it.
Step 2. rate Jamwall's salad anyhow:

• Texture: 1
• Color: 2
• Creaminess: 6
• Fish Smell: 10+
• Egg Smell: 11
• Crispiness: 0
• Croûton taste: 0 (no croûton provided)

Average Score out of 10: 4.29

Step 3: Scout out the Romaine Lettuce at the market.

Step 4. Decide that a Caesar Salad sounds like a lot of work, and head for the salad bar.

Step 5. Hmmm, no Caesar in this salad bar.

Step 6. I guess I'll just put this container back, then.

Step 7. You know what's always yummy at this market though? The soup!!!


Step 8. Mmmm, this one looks delicious.

Step 9. Buy the soup and bring it home.

Step 10. Pour the creamy soup into a pot and bring to a simmer.

Step 11. Yum, will you look at that?!?!?



Step 12. Sample for quality.

Step 13. Hell yeah, I am so gonna win this contest now!

Step 14. Damn, am I a good cook!

Step 15. I think Jamwall will really like this when he tries it.

Step 16. Hmmm, that looks a little moist.

Step 17. I guess it'll be fine.

Step 18. Seal the envelope!

Step 19. Address the envelope to Jamwall and pop it into the mail!

Step 20. And that's how you make a perfect Caesar Salad!!!

If you would like to read any more of my culinary or competitive adventures, please visit:

Making Cocoa with Monkey

Clash of Titans (click the tag below if you really want to read the whole thing; it's not for the faint of heart)

Nostalgika XVII: Bookmark Fame

Once long ago, I told you about the fame I encountered when my bookmark was chosen out of 4, or possibly 5 entries in a contest at my elementary school. Oh, the pride and shame I felt when mine was chosen! For I alone knew that I had traced the picture, and that the win belonged not to me, but to famed Pooh artist Ernest H. Shepard, and to the magic of mimeograph.

Here is a portion of the story, in which my win and my love for Martin S-C mingle in newsprint:

This was a great day for me. In grade 4, I was in the same class as Martin again (a 5th grader! With upper-lip fuzz!). We won (!!) a bookmark-making contest and were featured in the newspaper. Even though I traced my picture of Winnie the Pooh, my bookmark got the blue ribbon (that's me on the left; check the hair. circa 1977). Martin got 2nd place. See us all showing each other our bookmarks with pride! I am posing for the camera, but my heart is pounding as this photo is being taken, and my eyes are full of his ivory, translucent skin and his pursed little lips ... his well-appointed trousers and his tidily turned collar. In my mind, the two of us are standing together on the Olympic podium, our arms around each other as we listen to the National Anthem. I am so mad that Jenny and Aleta, with their sub-par bookmarks, separate us.

I struck a goldmine on the day that my mom brought me my childhood scrapbook, which has coughed up such gems as my spelling bee third place cryfest. What did I find nestled in its crusty bosom, but the original bookmark!


One is me. Savor that well-turned phrase! Reach out and caress the pink paper! Smell the fresh mimeo ink! One of the benefits of winning this contest was that the winning bookmark was copied via blue-tinted mimeograph and handed out in the school library to everyone who checked out a book. I love to think that my little bookmark was carried by readers young and old, inspiring them to delve into the STOPIES of A.A Milne. Despite the fact that I traced the image, my superior artsmanship is evident. I imagine that Martin's 2nd-place artwork was nearly as moving, nearly as inspired. Let all others flock to our banner and only wish they could touch the lives that we were able to touch. Dream on, Jenny and Aleta!

And the winner is ...

Diedre

It was pure joy for me to bring minutes of fun to the entire Blogger community with my Highlights 1946 Contest. As you know, I love me some blog contests ... I finally found something to rival the Stupidest Blog Contest Ever. Finally, the intellectual challenge of the Highlights Hidden Drawing sparked the opportunity to unload some of my house-crap on you all.

The first response, from Edge, was close to perfect, but Edge fell into the Highlights trap of hiding one dog head while leaving the other out in the open to fool you. See here? Edge circled the real dog head and missed the one in the clouds (near #5). He later resubmitted a corrected version, which wins him Honorable Mention.

Diedre's response was the second to come in, and the first one correct, so she is the lucky recipient of house crap that I have warmed inside my clothes. Lucky you!

Lee Ann sent in a perfect answer as well, and receives Honorable Mention for her valiant efforts!

Thanks for playing, everyone. It's Gallant of you to endure the whims of a Goofus like me.

Tuesdays are for Highlights circa 1946

Find the hidden drawings!

A blogging contest

I love the following quote: It affords many minutes of fun for the whole family. You just don't get any better than that!

The challenge: The first blogger to send me photographic proof of having found all 12 items will receive a prize! I don't know what the prize is, but it will probably be crap from my house, and most likely will have spent some time inside my clothes before being mailed to you.

Good luck!

one entry per household, please.

p.s. am I the only one who ever rubbed one out to Goofus and Gallant?

Ding ding ding! The stupidest contest ever, and you will participate now!

Stop the presses! LBB has used one of my favorite words of all time in this post.

Can you guess which word it is?

It is one of the words in this list of favorite words I've compiled from his post.

I think it is time for a contest!

The first person to guess which word is my favorite, wins a prize! I'm not announcing the prize yet, because I need to decide among the vast assortment of crap that I have discovered as I pack for my move, but you may be assured that it is dusty, old, and smells vaguely of cat pee. I promise to wear it inside my shirt for half the day before I send it to you.

3 guesses per person.

The choices:

bling

booty

coax

chump

cockfighter

cock rage

cockpit

conjure

faggy

fella

freggin'

frenzy

froth

gobstopper

happy-go-lucky

illicit

innuendo

moot

noble

primal

savage

scrutiny

shifty

thorax

thugs

underbelly

virtue

wife-beater

Good luck!


Disclaimer: This contest is intended for the use of the individual(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this contest is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this contest, although the yorkshire terrier next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. This bag is not a toy. If you have received this contest in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

Results of the Pear & Vajayjay Contest

Contest over!

The winners of this contest are Gracie and Miss Kendra! Congratulations!!! If you would like your prize mailed to you, please supply me a mailing address and it will be on its way posthaste! I haven't decided what the prize is yet, but you can be fairly certain that it will be crap from my house.

Answers:

The pear was photographed at my grandfather's orchard, where all the fruit trees he tended while alive have gone wild. Thank you Gracie, for paying such close attention, even though you are a lurker and a stalker and that gives me a strange feeling in my tickle-place. Here is an excerpt from the post entitled Feral Fruits, where I describe it in full:

Recently, on a visit to upstate New York, I meandered the old plantings to look at the fruit. Pears, apples, and concord grapes are ripe now. I ate some, though I had to eat around the wormy parts. I thought it would make me sad to see the gardens gone wild, but instead it made me feel a fierce nostalgic pride that I can hardly begin to put into words. Here, eight years after his death, I see my grandfather's spirit. In these growing things, propagating on their own and insisting upon living, I see his legacy. I know that if anyone ever wanted to start fighting the bugs and weeds again, they could, and they would reap unparalleled rewards.

These untamed, blemished fruits are somehow beautiful to me. They bear life's scars and survive proudly without anyone's help. A few months of tender loving care and no one would ever suspect that they were feral fruits for several years.


"Vajayjay", whether it came from a TV show or not, was first uttered in my comment thread by Bobby, which forever endeared him to me, and made me want to lie nakedly upon him, even though he likes boys. It gave me such a giggle that I wrote it first in my profile, to replace "this bag is not a toy," then gave it the seat of honor at the top of my blog. Miss Kendra came the closest with her guesses, and even though she tied Gracie, I don't want to send Gracie two pieces of house-crap (although ... matching cock and hen salt-n-pepper shakers might be a treat).

Here is Bobby's original comment:

Bobby said...

if only you had a penis. we could always save up for one, but it's just not the same. love you anyway, vajayjay and all.

Thank you to everyone for playing, and to Big Wheel for providing the inspiration.

The Pear and the Vajayjay

Achtung!
(That means "God bless you" in Austrian)

This contest ends at midnight (EST) tonight!
Or whenever I get to the comments in the morning.
Or whenever I feel like it.
It's my blog, dammit!

Freewheel asked me to fill in my readers on the significance of the pear photo, and the use of the word "vajayjay" . I, of course, assume that everyone knows me inside and out!

Before I explain, I would like to offer a prize to the first person in the comment thread to explain either of those blog-items of mine.