Woah. That is not OK.

Bacon Pistachio Flatulence

I hardly knew what I should wear to Tits' Second Annual Bacon Party. Not to detract from last year's outfit, I decided instead to stay in my jammies and create a gastronomical masterpiece, whilst gorging myself on Uncle Oinker's Bacon Flavored Mints. While Tits and Kendra slather themselves in bacon-flavored vodka and frolic, I shall be creating my bacon meal for one:

Bacon Pistachio Greenery
Brussels Sprouts done Right

Ingredients:

Brussels Sprouts (as many as you want to eat)

Shallots (1)

Bacon (turkey bacon or pancetta cubes work nicely also)

Olive Oil (a hearty splash)

Pistachio Nut Meats (several handfuls) -- if you can't obtain these, pine nuts work nicely also.

1 lemon

Salt & Pepper

Mise en Place:

1. Gorge yourself on Uncle Oinker's Bacon Mints (that Tits sent you) throughout preparation.

2. Remove outer leaves of Brussels sprouts. These will be used for the recipe. Save the hearts for future use, perhaps in a lovely soup.

3. Partially cook bacon, using your favorite method (I prefer the microwave). Cut crosswise into 1/8" mini-strips.

4. Dice the shallot.

5. Juice the lemon.

Preparation:

Just before serving

1. Saute the shallots in olive oil.

2. When the shallots look about half browned, add the bacon.

3. After about 2 more minutes, toss in the Brussels sprouts leaves and the pistachios. Saute for 2-3 more minutes, turning over occasionally.

4. Turn off the heat and just before serving, douse the whole thing in the lemon juice. Season to taste with salt & pepper.

Enjoy! This meal combines my favorite things: the gassiness of cabbage, the greasiness of bacon, and the sinful calorie-packed nutrition of nuts. Bon apetit!

Drum roll please!!

OK, everyone has had long enough to share their input, so I must now announce the winners of my Art Contest. They turned out the way that I, myself, was leaning, so at least we are all in agreement about who can draw and who can almost draw. I'm a little sad that my muse and secret lover (Jamwall) only got honorable mention with one vote (his own); I had to vote my conscience (Tits). I hope that Jamwall will still treat me like an object and paddle my behind with blunt objects despite my betrayal.

Now then:

FIRST PLACE: Tits McGee

SECOND PLACE: Butchie



HONORABLE MENTION: Jamwall and Pope Terry

The first and second prize winners will receive crap from my house that has been incubated inside my shirt and/or pants for at least 3 hours, as soon as I have their mailing addresses and I find the appropriate crap to send, something that exemplifies the scope and beauty of this contest.

Everyone gets a certificate! Please print your certificate and display it proudly. See below.

Thank you to all who partcipiated. This contest has changed my view of you irreversibly and irrevocably. And all the other ir- words.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bacon is Love (I have the greatest Tits, part 2)

I recently received some blog-love in the mail. It came from fellow blogger Tits McGee, who has showered me with postal affection once before. This time, it was in response to my participation in the Bacon Extravaganza at her blog. She never disappoints! See now:

The package arrives,

tumbling its hidden goodies

onto the countertop.

Among the goodies, this lick-on stick-on.

Sexyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

Homemade baklava!

Not the bacon kind, but so very delicious nonetheless!

And what meal would be complete without

bacon-flavored mints?

Yes.

They taste like bacon and mint.

Thank you Tits! You are the B in my BLT!!!

I am blessed with the greatest Tits.

, Tits McGee has sent me some early birthday love!!!

Here is how the magical gift appeared:


there was a beautiful box .


enclosed with purple beautifulitude.



and a font-like handwritten note.


a feisty card

that makes me want to do dirty things,

but in a clean way.



a note!



a magical shell to put in water

and watch it sprout something ...

hopefully not a desiccated clam ...



and crystals with magical healing powers!

Thank you, thank you!

Henceforth, I shall forever think of Tits

when I am naked in the bath.