Inventory, Because I Feel Like It

Things I am fond of, at the moment.

• HNT!
  
• My lapis-blue silk shirt that I’ve had since 1994 but just sewed new buttons onto
• Tchaikovsky’s Violin Concerto in D Major, Opus 35
• Violinist Julia Fischer
• The New York Philharmonic
• Bananas with peanut butter
• Smelling my own hair
• Fleece slippers with leather soles
• Hot rollers
• The phrase "what a tool" or its variant "what a f***ing tool"
• Chocolate mocha mousse cake
• Fluffy snow
• Yak tracks
• Monkey
• The color sage
• Red Bull
• B vitamins
• Extra strong, freshly ground, freshly brewed coffee … with ...
• Half & Half
• Vivaldi's "Gloria"
• James Blunt
• Calculators with giant keypads
• Pyrex, molded into interesting ergonomic shapes
• Split pea soup
• Smoked eel (delicious; you are missing out. Really.)
• Hemp lip balm
• James Frey
• Artistic license
• Amy Krause Rosenthal
• Holly Hunter
• Apple cider
• Dove cool moisture cucumber & green tea soap
• The word "whore"
• Trains
• Chenille
• Down
• Very sharp pencils

This list will be updated bimonthly (does that mean 2x a month or once every other month? Either way, it means "when I feel like it")

A Late But Very Special Office Supply Wednesday

My desk drawer

complete with cigarettes from Uruguay

that Quilting girl found in a NYC taxicab

on our trip in December, then

hid in my luggage to find later.

I was going to give them back

to her 1 by 1 on special occasions

but how much more fun it would be to plant them

in funny places

like the desk of that lady we hate

or maybe someone's teacher cart?

What do you think?

Layers of a Funyun

It's fun peeling away the layers to get to know someone. Don't you think? It's also fun to do when you are feeling creatively dry on a Wednesday. Try it!


Layer One
Name: Spinning Girl
Birthdate: November 5, 1968
Birthplace: New Jersey
Current Location: Connecticut
Eye Color: Blue-Gray
Hair Color: Blondina
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Sun Sign: Scorpiette
Innie or Outtie: Innie. But I was an outie 'til I was 10, then suddenly it popped in one day.

Layer Two
Your heritage: 100% Estonian, and damn proud of it (we are a small, but proud nation)
The shoes you wore today: Dansko clogs, in black
Your hair: Medium long
Your eyes: umm, hello, still blue-gray. What more do you want? OK, there is a brown speck in the right one.
Your weakness: Any man who gives me a dazzling smile / wasabi peas (tie)
Your fears: Drowning, Dying a childless old maid, having my face eaten by a mountain lion like that lady in the Reader’s Digest Drama in Real Life, going blind, having my legs amputated, and finding a spider at the bottom of my tropical drink.
Your perfect pizza: Mushroom, fresh tomato, and meatball
One thing you'd like to achieve: A published book / burp the alphabet (tie)

Layer Three
Your most overused phrase: What the hell?!? / Throw down your digits & we’ll parlay (tie)
Your first waking thoughts: What the hell?!? / mmmm, coffeeeee (tie)
The first features you notice in the opposite sex: Smile, eyes, butt
Your best physical feature: Hair
Your bedtime: 10:30 – 2:00 (sliding scale)
Your greatest fear: Being left in the world completely alone
Your greatest accomplishment: Getting the best job ever / Ditching my alcohol habit / Switching from Velcro to laced shoes (3-way tie)
Your most missed memory: Childhood at my grandparents’ farm

Layer Four
Pepsi or Coke: Dr. Pepper
Single or group dates: huh?
Adidas or Nike: New Balance
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Harney & Sons loose Black Tea with Apricot, brewed in a press
Chocolate or vanilla: Twist. Must I choose?
Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee.

Layer Five
Smoke: Only woodstoves
Cuss: Yes. Mostly while driving. Excerpt: You stupid f****** numb c***, don't you know what a g**d*** turn signal is?!?!?
Sing: Lots
Take a shower everyday: Nope. Alternate shower, bath, basin splashing, dust bath
Have a crush: No
Been in love: Of course
Went to college: 3 times. And finished each time, too! Yay me! Where do I hang all these things?!?
Liked high school: I think I did. Not that much, though, come to think of it.
Want to get married: Someday
Believe in yourself: Yes. or no. Do I?
Type with your fingers on the right keys: Well, My thumbs and index fingers hit all these answers correctly, right? Watching me type is like watching a piano player play Flight of the Bumblebee.
Think you're attractive: I am f***ing fabu. Also humble. I don't know; all joking aside: I am enough.
Think you're a health freak: Yeah, healthy stuff freaks me out. Seriously? OK, I will try. I eat mostly healthy things, with some splurges. I eat too much.
Get along with your parents: yes.
Play an instrument: Piano, guitar, vocal cords

Layer Six
In the past month, did you...
Drink alcohol: No
Smoke: No
Do a drug: No
Make Out: No
Go on a date: Was that a date? Oh. Then no.
Eat an entire box of Oreos: No. p.s. have you ever read those ingredients? bleah.
Eat sushi: Yes
Been on stage: No
Been dumped: No
Gone skating: No. Not on purpose, anyhow.
Made homemade cookies: No
Fall in love: No. Well ... no.
Go skinny dipping: No
Dyed your hair: No
Stolen anything: No

Layer Seven
Have you ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: No. A game? Not exactly, no.
If so, was it mixed company: n/a
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
Been caught doing something: no
Been called a tease: Hellz no. I deliver. Ha ha! Just kidding, Mom!*
Gotten beaten up: no
Shoplifted: no
If so, did you get caught: n/a
Changed who you were to fit in: Mmmm, changed who I seemed to be, maybe.

Layer Eight
Age you hope to be married: Alive
Numbers and Names of Children: What? Children I know? I have known thousands, and I can name them all.
Describe your Dream Wedding: Barefoot on a beach, pig roast, raw bar, lobster bake, volleyball, Levi’s and white t shirts for everyone, sunset, swimming, tents.
How do you want to die: Quietly. Hopefully with no toothed predators nearby.
What do you want to be when you grow up: a teacher
What countr(ies) would you most like to visit: Italy, Estonia (again); Spain, Scotland, Ireland, Africa

Layer Nine
Number of men I have kissed: None; they were boys at the time.
Number of boyfriends you've had: one at a time.
Number of drugs taken illegally: all my drugs were prescribed by a licensed physician (in Mexico).
Number of people I could trust with my life: 4
Number of CDs that I own: 300
Number of piercings: one in each ear
Number of tattoos: none, unless you count lick-on, stick-ons, then twelve.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: numerous
Number of scars on my body: Two
Number of things in my past that I regret: Just the one.

*psst, see me after.

Blog of Note!

I have discovered the photo blog of a young laddie in Estonia, named Remo Savisaar. Go check him out if you can! The titles of the photos are in Estonian and in English. I think you will enjoy your visit. If not, well, come back here & eat some herring with me.

Unconscious Mutterings

What is the game?: Unconscious Mutterings
How do I play?: I say ___, and you think ___ ?
How do I win?: by unlocking the secrets of your innermost mind
Whose idea is this?: Luna's
When do I start?: Now!

1. Paralyzed::
   
2. Bossy::
   
3. Worth::
   
4. Breathing::
   
5. Uneventful::
   
6. Return::
   
7. Splint::
   
8. Notice::
   
9. Hero::
   
10. Vulnerable::
    
    
    Where do I post my answers?: In the comments
    Where are SG's? Below the picture!
    What are these picture of?: That's Susie, eating some king crab legs.
    
    
    1. Paralyzed:: from the waist down
    2. Bossy:: girl
    3. Worth:: having
    4. Breathing:: in and out
    5. Uneventful:: day
    6. Return:: to me
    7. Splint:: Sprint
    8. Notice:: of eviction
    9. Hero:: let me be
    10. Vulnerable:: spirit
    

Meditations on a Snowy Step

I don't think enough of you read this yet, so I'll just put it back at the top and pretend it's new. The 2 of you who did read it (did you click all the links?), please go to July 1 in my archives and you can see all my old HNT's in a lineup. The rest of you can do that too, if you want. Then go read Meditiations Split Pea and Pomegranate, they're my faves. I'll expect a full report in my comments. Thank you! My Daddy says I'm bad.

Shovel, shovel, shovel.

Think, think, think.

While I drive, I hold entire conversations inside my head; who doesn’t, right? But for some reason, when I get to the part where I say, no!, I say it out loud. And with much more attitude than I would ever use in real life. It’s like a Nnnyeawwwww, with an implied and f### you! behind it. I’m just practicing for the day I might actually need to say it just like that. Strangely, I never need to practice my yes.

This guy is a Buddhist priest who teaches in a local school. I was introduced to him by a mutual friend upon a chance meeting at Office Max . He was introduced to me by his real name, which is Todd. I didn’t know anything about him. When he shook my hand, he said, “Please … call me Wisdom.” Without missing a beat, I said, “And please ... call me Beauty.”

When I comb my wet hair and I have a tangle, I pull really hard until the tangle tears out in a giant clump. For some reason, I derive enormous satisfaction from this. It makes me feel alive. Yes! I have torn out a gigantic chunk of my own hair! Now bow and pay homage unto me! Then I go to the store and buy some detangler.

I may have mentioned this elsewhere, but until I was 9 I never realized that my head had a back to it. There was my twin sister, always brushing her hair, and then me, with the front nice and brushed and the back one gigantic sleeptangle. I also didn’t wear a shirt until I was 12, but that is another story.

I derive the greatest enjoyment in life from being completely, utterly, nakedly, rawly honest. These scarce moments of utter clarity, best when shared with another human being, are moments of pure beauty and utter humanity. I am saddest when I have shared that with someone and then it is lost because we have both put up our defenses. But I also recognize that it is necessary for daily functioning, and that only the very insane and the very young live like that all the time. I wonder if there is a way I could be like that all the time and not have people think I am insane. Maybe when I am 90.

When did we start thinking that buying bottled water was OK? I remember when it first started, I was like, yeah right. As if! Now it seems commonplace. Kind of like cell phones; remember how weird it looked when someone was talking on a phone in the car? Wow! Now every middle-schooler I see in front of my school is on the cell phone, probably calling their au pair to make sure they have a ride to Abercrombie.

The absolute best water I have ever tasted comes out of a well on my grandparents’ farm; it’s chock-full of lime and clogs the pipes something terrible, but boy is it delish!

I remember precisely two things about third grade recess. One of them is climbing the pole on the jungle gym over and over. Not because I liked getting to the top that much, but because I got a special feeling in my tummy after I did it. Boy, did I like climbing! The other was chasing Clement all over the playground and, when I caught him, straddling him and pinning him to the ground. Boy, did I like pinning him down! I figured out much later that the two activities were closely related.

In 1979 my sisters and I had a fantasy of building an elaborate system of snowtunnels, all interconnected, with various openings at critical points in the lawn. We got as far as digging a 3’ deep hole and then gave up in a sweaty heap, and started making snow angels instead. Wow … when I think about that now, I can’t believe we had even that much energy. It just sounds like work.

Kind of like shoveling. Was it always this hard?!?!?

There Has Been an Accident

The victim.

Before.

Preparing for removal.


This is really hard for one person.

What smells like sweat?

Oh, that's me.

Wow, the needles are really pointy.

After the plunge.

Evidence of the carnage.

This feels great.

So does this.

The victim.
After.

Oh, and it is only the middle of January! Not bad. Last year it was February 6th.

So Much Fun, It Can't Possibly Be Legal!

Thanks to Greg for the questions in this post.
This post is more fun if you add a twist. Try to guess which answer is the fake one?

Four jobs you have had in your life:

Lifeguard
Caterer
Sex surrogate
Teacher
Field Researcher


Four movies you could watch over and over (and have):

Moonstruck
Yentl
When Harry Met Sally
Lord of the Rings
Shawshank Redemption

Four places you've lived:

Northern New Jersey
Keene, New Hampshire
Fairfield County, Connecticut
a refrigerator box
UConn

Four TV shows you love to watch:

Will & Grace

The Office

The Apprentice

That Dirty Job show

Teletubbies

Four places you've been on vacation:

Estonia
Italy
WalMart
Sint Maarten
Bermuda



Four websites you visit daily:

all y'all

Four of your favorite foods:

Okra
Cheese
Lasagna
Stuffing
Chili


Four places you'd rather be right now:

In my bed
Bermuda
Yellowstone
Dubai
New York City

Four Bloggers you are tagging:

All Y'all!

I am Planning a Play Date!

I've sent Monkey an invitation to come visit me.

I hope he accepts!

View the invitation here.

[EDIT]: Monkey has sent me the following reply: "I am so excited! I've RSVPed via Hallmark Card. My bags are packed. My raincoat and extensive wardrobe will accompany me in a separate steamer trunk. Thank you so much for inviting me! I do so enjoy the 5 Star Resort experience!" I just hope he isn't disappointed. My humble little hovel is a far cry from 5 stars. But what I lack in acoutrements, I make up for in Spinning-style hospitality.

I Cannot Bear the Horror

The world continues to run amok with Bears Dressed as Other Animals. See the evidence!:

I think it's a mermaid and merman, or maybe just snorkelers?

Either way, creepy. Thanks, Twirling Girl!


Bear as Humpty Dumpty

Bear as Frog -- an old theme, replayed badly.

Please continue to keep your eyes open and send me any evidence of this Apocalyptic disease.

A Red (Rose) Letter Day in Spinning Land

I finally got the Zebra.

Now my Noah's Ark set is complete!

Also ... I might be a loser.

Office Supply Wednesday

Getting with the program.

Just trying to decide on my next concert.

New York Philharmonic

Unconsciously Muttering

Lunaniña has been doing Riverdance in my subconscious again. Alone, the words are meaningless. Paired with their free-assoiation partners, they are a key to unlocking the secerets of the mind! Or ... something to post on a Tuesday, cuz I got nothin'.

Ready to play along?

Here we go!

1. Better off::
   
2. Girls::
   
3. Uniform::
   
4. Classified::
   
5. Hard::
   
6. Kitty::
   
7. Team::
   
8. Massive::
   
9. Depressed::
   
10. Award::
    
    Now, there is no peeking until you have played! After you have placed your answers in the drop box by the door, you may look at my answers. They are below the photo of the tree in Sint Maarten.
    
    
    

    
    Spinnerina said:

11. Better off:: dead
    
12. Girls:: behaving badly
    
13. Uniform:: UPS!
    
14. Classified:: Ad
    
15. Hard:: Diamond
    
16. Kitty:: Kitty (ooh, I am so deep!)
    
17. Team:: Player
    
18. Massive:: Tumor
    
19. Depressed:: As Hell
    
20. Award:: Gold
    

The Devil's Minions in Chicago!

My quick-thinking Blogger friend Sleepy-G snapped this photo at the airport in Chicago:

Bears holding bears!

I will pause to allow you to scream.

Or do I scream alone?
Read all about the horror here.

Speaking of Eclipses ... (weren't we?)

During a partial solar eclipse in the mid-90's, I took my class outside, equipped with pinhole projectors and welding masks. We stood and waited for the moon to creep over the sun and to obscure it, something most of us had never seen before. Oh and by the way … some teachers stayed indoors and pulled the shades in their classrooms to avoid "distractions" and kept conjugating verbs as this once-in-a-lifetime celestial opportunity passed their students by.

Anyhow … not so the case for my class, gleefully projecting sunlit crescents all over the place. Then we discovered the "pinhole effect" in unexpected places, anywhere something with little spaces in it cast a shadow: hair, leaves on trees, blades of grass. It was a surreal and lovely thing to see; millions of eclipses, dancing with the breeze under every tree. I shall never forget it. It looked like this:

Where Can You See Lions?

Only in Kenya.

Thanks a f*ing lot, Booty!

Unconscious Mutterings 152

Luna guides us through another session. Ready? Go!

1. Celebrate::
   
2. Resolve:
   
3. I need to::
   
4. Call::
   
5. Token::
   
6. Brand::
   
7. Comparison::
   
8. Far away::
   
9. Artful::
   
10. Fantastic::
    

Now write yours down, then peep at mine after the railroad crossing.

Mine:

1. Celebrate:: We will
   
2. Resolve: Carpet
   
3. I need to:: go
   
4. Call:: Me
   
5. Token:: Bus
   
6. Brand:: Name
   
7. Comparison:: Twins
   
8. Far away:: You are
   
9. Artful:: Compliment
   
10. Fantastic:: Four
    

Now That's Funny.

Your Stripper Song Is ...

Closer by Nine Inch Nails You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to tell When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Armageddon is Nigh!

On my recent trip to New York City, I spotted something rather disturbing in a shop window. Ever on the lookout for signs of the Apocalypse, I snapped a few quick photos to document the demise of all that is good and whole in this world. I speak, of course, of the dressing of teddy bears as other animals. It seems, now, that the trend does not stop at teddy bears. Now, non-animals are subject to the same cruelty. Just what the f*** is a MonChhiChi?!?! It's not a hedgehog, not a monkey ... what the hell is it?!? Regardless of what it is, apparently it isn't enough just to be one; no ... it must also be dressed as a frog, a duck, or some other animal. What is happening to us? Don't stare for too long at the pictures. If you can, make a pinhole camera for viewing.

Directions for making pinhole camera.

Documented evidence of impending Apocalypse:

MCC being consumed by a frog (aka "The Miss Kendra")

MCC duckling, rabbit, puma.

Bears in winter gear at Eddie Bauer.

Not dressed fully in other animals' pelts, but still a fur-lined coat!

Still not good!

No Crib for His Head Bed

My friend's mother puts her Nativity set out every Christmas. For years, the mantelpiece has been graced by the loving watchfulness of Mary and Joseph over their sleeping infant child.
One year, she lost the Jesus. Nobody could find it anywhere; it's possible that the dog chewed it, or maybe it just got spirited away. For several Christmases thereafter, though the figurines made their annual appearance, the manger sat empty under Mary and Joseph's gaze.
Then, lo! One day, my friend's mother found the perfect replacement at a flea market. The family was reunited once more! Gather all ye shepherds and shepherdesses to gaze upon the child king, asleep on the hay:
Egad!
It appears that the local flea market didn't have Jesi in quite the correct sizes! Either that, or perhaps, in his sojourn away from Bethlehem, our young friend developed a case of Acromegaly*. How alarming! I fear that at any moment, the overlarge infant will suffocate one of his parents (well, earthly parents) when he rolls in his sleep!
I'm not a Believer, and maybe that is why I can easily make fun, but doesn't it seem like many people with Nativities seem to get it all wrong? As some of you know, my neighbor's Mary is sinking in quicksand as she protects her young babe from the talons of a nearby bird of prey. And don't even get me started with Mary on the Half Shell.
To me, any solemnity that I may feel about the salvation of my soul is instantly lost when a freakish doll, who is supposed to represent a divine being, is put into strange positions, exposed to precarious situations, or subjected to abnormal hormonal treatment. I would feel much better if I were just raking my Zen garden or contemplating my navel. But perhaps this inability to transcend reality is why I am bound to this earthly life. Maybe next year, I'll get my friend's mom a Pyrex roaster pan filled with grass for the Jesus, and try again.
* This serious condition, caused by a pituitary tumor and overproduction of human Growth Hormone, is no laughing matter. In children, whose bones are yet unformed, it leads to gigantism and serious health problems. The most famous acromegalic (until now, that is!) was Andre "the Giant", who unfortunately wore out his overworked heart and died in 1993 at the age of 46. Learn everything you ever wanted to know about Acromegaly right here.