Showing posts with label I love spam. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I love spam. Show all posts

June 20, 2007

I am a man of PEACE. A rich one!!!

Hah, suckas!!!! Today I plan to resign from my teaching career and move to Ghana! There, according to this email I received, I am the heiress of a great fortune! As of this morning, I have Ten million seven hundred fifty thousand dollars (10,750.000.00) that I did not have yesterday. I can't believe this is happening to me ... my every wish has come true. Except the Ghana part. Never really thought I'd live there. Are there parasitic worms there?

Mr.Gerald John Kojo
Branch Manager
Eco Bank Ghana
Silver Star Tower Branch

My Name is Mr.Gerald John Kojo, I am the regional manager of the Eco Bank Ghana Silver Star Tower Branch Accra Ghana. I got your information during my search through the Internet. I am 44years of age and married with 3 lovely kids. It may interest you to hear that like you, I am a man of PEACE and don't want problem, I only hope we can assist each other. If you don't want this business offer kindly forget it as I will not contact you again.

I have packaged a financial transaction that will benefit both of us, as the regional manager of the Eco Bank of Ghana; it is my duty to send in a financial report to my head office in the capital city Accra at the end of each year. On the course of the last two years 2005 end of year report, I discovered that my branch in which I am the manager made Ten million seven hundred fifty thousand dollars (10,750.000.00) which my head office are not aware of and will never be aware of. I have since placed this fund on what we call SUSPENSE ACCOUNT without any beneficiary.

As an officer of the bank I can not be directly connected to this money, so this informed my contacting you for us to work so that you can assist receive this money into your bank account for us to SHARE. While you will have 30% of the total fund .Note there are practically no risk involved, it will be bank to bank transfer, all I need from you is to stand claim as the original depositor of this fund who made the deposit with our branch so that my Head office can order the transfer to your designated bank account. If you accept this offer to work with me, I will appreciate it very much. As soon as I receive your response I will detail you on how we can achieve it successfully.

Awaiting for your urgent response

Best regards,

Mr.Gerald John Kojo.

April 12, 2007

I have emerged a winner! Suckas!

Hah! I am rolling in Euros, for I and my email address have emerged a winner of half a million of them! I didn't even enter this Loteria, but thanks to the fact that I "believe on" email communication, I am now officially wealthy! Here's the proof:



Attention: Winner,

Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice the result of Euromillion Loteria Español 2007 promotions.We are happy to inform you that your email address have emerged a winner of Five hundred and fifty thousand euro(550, 000.00)Euros.

NOTE: to file for your claim, please contact the claim department below on email or phone

REDBOATH FINANCE AND SECURITIES,S.L
Contact person: Mr.Lopez Javier
Tell:34 696 756 270
Email: redboathfinance @ aim.com [most reputable financiers use AIM! It's true]

Find below your promotion date, Reference and Batch numbers. Remember
to quote these numbers in your correspondence with your claims agent (Mr.Lopez Javier)

PROMOTION DATE: 11th of April 2007.
REFERENCE NUMBER: LSLUK/2031/8161/07
BATCH NUMBER: 15/051/IPD

Congratulations once again from all our staff and thank you for believing on email
communication and also for being part of our promotion program.

Sincerely Yours,

Mrs.Paloma Lucia
THE PROMOTION COORDINATOR

April 02, 2007

I have 5 new pen pals

Here are the best spam names I have seen lately:

Emcallous sarsaparilla
Flatlicks edina
Via Gra
Willinocket Conshohocken
Cowbell Gene

February 27, 2007

The Down & Dirty Blog Frolic (III): Between a Rock & a Hard Roll

A few posts back I implored the blog community to supply me with questions so that I would have something to post. And they delivered like Domino's! Here then is my attempt to do right by you all:


Edge said...
Best sex you ever had and what made it so steamy?
Naughty boy!!! Since my entire family and my co-workers read this blog, I will put my answer in Arabic. You can go to Google Translator to find out what I said.

وما رأيت ان ابدأ اود ان افيدكم عن أي جنس مشبع بالبخار الاطلاق؟ وهي كثافه الخاصة وتجربة خاصة انني لن اشارك احدا فقط! لكن ، فقط لانك لن ترضى ، وهنا بعض الكلمات الرئيسية : الصبي ، عاريا وحمام البخار والوصابي والشرطة السجن مرة البنت الاطراف والايدي ، والترحيل. ان كفى لك؟

the psycho therapist said...

Where is he? In my heart and soul, every minute of every day. Wait ... what? Who did you think I was talking about?

Why do you need "constant validation" and attention? What are you, some kind of psycho therapist? Since you are new around here, I will allow a certain amount of play in this piece of twine, but not too much! You should know better than to press me on anything I have said; I will only lie to sidestep the discomfort. If you were to examine my Johari and Nohari windows, you would discover that I am a complex, alluring, and immature beast. Now, to answer your question! I need constant validation and attention because I am, at heart, an actress; you, my audience. The classroom, the blogosphere, the family dinner table, the grocery checkout line, the daily path I tread ... is my stage. What of it?


What has to happen inside of your mind before you'll swallow a man's [soul]? If you knew me better, you'd know that the [word] you used is one of my least favorite words in the vast lexicon of human mating behavior. I did say I'd answer any question, though, so I'll answer my [edit] instead: Before I even consider taking a bite of anything, I read the nutritional label. However, once I commit to opening the package, I eat 'til it's empty.


Do you prefer the finger or the tongue? As a pianist, I much prefer the finger. I tried to play Flight of the Bumblebee with my tongue once, and landed myself in the hospital. Not cool!


When will Axis II Personality Disordered individuals have their own reality show and who will kill first? I had to look up this terminology, and once I did, I realized that it is already happening, and it is only a matter of time. They are biding their time.


Diedre said...
Have you ever been to Estonia?
Indeed! I went in 1999 with my two sisters, for the Song Festival.



I'll post about it someday. It was quite extraordinary to be surrounded by people speaking my language, and actually took some getting used to. It's a beautiful country and I recommend you visit!


jb3ll3 said...
How does a thermos really know? How do keep hot things hot and cold things cold? How does it really know? Silly girl! Everybody know that within the depths of every Thermos lives a tiny little Eskimo family:

When your food starts to get too warm, the Eskimo mother chips out an ice block and puts your food on it. If your food needs to stay warm, the Eskimo father goes out and clubs a seal, skins it, wraps your food in the fur, and makes a tallow-candle out of the blubber to warm your vittles by. Duh!

Marisa said...
Should I or shouldn't I? Ahh, if we could only be sure ahead of time! There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity. [General Douglas MacArthur]


Freewheel said...
Which bloggers have you met in person? After you met them, did they seem like the person you imagined when you read their blog? I spent a weekend with Monkey, and he was much more fussy and indignant than I ever had imagined. To make up for that, he was infinitely more cuddly and lovable. And what a diva! Read all about it starting here.



Kat said...
I believe a lot of your kids look to you as THAT teacher. What teacher was your biggest inspiration and why? Besides my parents and grandparents, who were the most influential teachers I had, I believe that my high school science and Spanish teachers had the biggest impact on me; I suspect it was their humor and their own love of learning that impacted me the most.


jamwall said...
if I tell you that you have a nice bottle of wesson cooking oil ... will you rub it against me? I no longer have welts. If you had been paying attention when I told you, the Wesson is all gone. I have about 1/4 cup of jalapeño-flavored corn oil left, and a giant rubber spatula! Start running! I'll give you a head start.


miss kendra said...
do you miss me, even thought we've never met? I crave your sequin-swaddled self every tick tick tick of the clock.

sometimes I'm so happy that the internet allowed me to meet you (and others) and then other times i resent that i have friends who are so far away. do you agree? Very much so. It's an odd and endearing community, and I think of you as friends. Friends as dear as any. And I have the presents to prove it!

salty, sweet, spicy, savory? I like a greasy mishmash of all of the above.


MsLittlePea said...
Can you disco dance?
Does an ant have teeth?
Do you know how to make pies? Yes! I have made at least two floorpies, and also pumpkin.
Do you love your neighbor as yourself? Not quite, but I did give him a jump-start today.
Do you love cupcakes? Yes, and do you want my address?
Have you ever went and ate worms when you felt unloved? No, but when I was 6, I discovered that some rocks taste salty. I used to walk around with a fistful of small pebbles in my mouth, just for the taste. I had my own personal salt lick; I used to store them under my bed and then re-suck them on the sly, whenever I had the opportunity. Then one day, I choked on one. After my dad saved my life, he thrashed me for having rocks in my mouth and I told him I didn’t know why I did it, I just wanted to see what they might taste like this one time. My twin sister, ever vigilant, sang like a bird: “Nuh-uh, she’s lying; she does it all the time! She has a huge pile of them under the bed!”

Bill said...
Why are you making me think when it's after midnight?
Because, like all writers, you need to be pushed to avoid fading into mediocrity.
If life's for living, what's living for? (That's a line stolen from a Kinks song.) Living is for giving ... and forgiving.

I'm going to redo my kitchen, so - what colour? My blog colors (that's American for colours), or else pale yellow and periwinkle, or baby blue and brown (very hip and very now). Whatever color you like, go here to find colors that [surprisingly] work well together. Happy painting!


yournamehere said...
When you eventually marry me, can we have red velvet cake instead of boring old white cake? I would absolutely have a red velvet cake, as long as it wasn't shaped as an armadillo. As for you & me, this will only work out if you are OK with matriarchal polygamy, or with being my pool boy, 'cause I gots me a boy toy I ain't partin' with.

Übermilf said...
How many doughnuts are too many?
What do you mean?
Also, of COURSE you love cupcakes! Yes, and do you want my address?
And, if you and Kendra want to meet somewhat halfway, you can both come to my house for tea. I couldn't imagine meeting one of you without the other.

Tits McGee said...
Why have so many people recently arrived at my blog after having searched for "pear tits?"
I don't know, but if you moved to The UK you could have Great Tits.

BadGod said...
Do you listen to Opie & Anthony? Still no.
Wait ... you're Opie, aren't you.
Am I the greatest thing ever? Close to it, and may I add how delighted I am to see you here, haunting my blog despite your own blog absence? My first blog friend, back to visit.
Ever 'done it' in the..uh...place of....poo making? I'm sorry, I can't break your top secret code; could you be a little less cryptic?
Does anyone really know what time it is? Mark does.
Why should I not "fear the reaper"? Because seasons don't fear the reaper. Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain. We can be like they are!
Will you keep answering my questions? Sure, baby.
Where have I been for the last few weeks? Sleeping in your truck.
I think Estonia is a neat word. (that's not a question.)
Who would you like to see play Roland, Eddie, Jake or Susannah if a Dark Tower movie is ever made? Oh, now you've opened the Pandora's Box, haven't you. All right then:

Who can really play Roland? I assume that I can choose anyone, from any time, so I choose the much younger Clint Eastwood of Man Without a Face. He is the only one who could do it. (Click on Roland's photo at left for a spooky click-through. Ooooohhhhhhhhh ...)





Susannah could be played by Angela Bassett, who can look like a real badass when she is mad. Remember in Waiting to Exhale when she burned the guy's car? What ... you haven't seen Waiting to Exhale? What is wrong with you?!?!?! I considered, then rejected Jada (the tough Matrix Jada, not the smiley Oscar-night one). And why???? Because I am sick of her face. Reason enough!

Jake: River Phoenix. A young, pre-My Own Private Idaho homoerotica River; a Stand By Me River. A living River. Oh, when will my heart stop mourning the loss of this wonderful boy? Yes, Joaquin, I love you, but there is a River-shaped hole in my soul where your brother once was. Oh yes, what was I saying? I think this photo captures the Jake I imagine; sensitive, tough, twice-born, twice-dead.

I struggled with Eddie, but I think I may have found him in David Beckham. He would have to have hair, and lose about 25 pounds for the heroin addict parts, but I think the handsome toughness is there. Now let's just hope he can act.






Where did all of these great questions come from? The Activity Book at Bible camp?

Should I go to sleep now or have one more cigarette? Oh, go for it.
What is the square root of 78,345 divided by pi? 89.0954999
bye! Godspeed, angel, and when shall we meet again?

jiggs said...
what happens if we pressure you?
To answer this, let us all recall the Ideal Gas Law:
PV = nRT
[pronounced piv-nurrt]
Where P = pressure, V = volume of blog traffic, n = number of times I send you spam, R = how many times I say the word "retard" in one day, and T = How many of my Kitten in a Sandwich Thongs I throw in the incinerator. Notice that, according to this formula, Pressure and Thong-burning are proportional. You do the math.



B.E. Earl said...
Where is fancy bred? In the heart or in the head? Neither. Everybody knows that fancy bred is in Aisle 1, between whole wheat and dinner rolls.


Shanshu said...
How many times in a single day have you ever taken a picture of yourself, and then re-taken the same picture in the hopes of making yourself look better? Or, to make the entire picture look better?
Usually about 3 takes to get the shot where I don't have a double chin and my hair looks the most fabu.

miss kendra said...
how do you take your coffee?
strong, with half & half

eggs? Any way that's not raw.

what is your favorite song? or top three? what is it that you like about those songs? I love saddish love-related songs, like Gypsy (Suzanne Vega), Love Song for a Vampire (Annie Lennox), and Secret World (Peter Gabriel). They verbalize an emotion that I love feeling; listen, and you will know.

jamwall said...
how many licks does it take to get to the center of a cowbell gene?
A cowbell jean? I lost count after the first one.



This was too too fun; let's mingle again soon. Thanks for indulging me!

March 24, 2006

Check Out This Asshat.

... or, "why I hate turning off word verification."

I would never find this stuff if my comments didn't come into my email inbox. Yesterday, when I had word-ver turned off for HNT, some assclown leaves some spam waaaaayyyyy back in this post. Here is the text of the spam:

At March 23, 2006 7:23 AM, mike said...
Hey!! Very nice blog :0) I just got inside from washing and waxing my truck. It is my baby. Took me 2 hours though. So I settled down into my basement and started doing some web surfing. Anyways I am in the process of grabbing my masters degree and have spent the last 6 months researching suited poker chips. In the midst of my surfing I landed smack dab in the middle of your blog. I hope you do not think I am intruding but I must say it is great blog. Even though your blog is way off base from
suited poker chips I found myself cruising through your blog archives for the last half hour :0) You have some nice blogging friends. Anyways, I need to get back to my mission. I wrote down your url and feel free to visit me here at http://www.the-poker-outlet-sucks-sow-teats.com/. I am so busy so I can only update my site monthly. Keep up the great work.

I have several issues with (& comments about) this spam. Besides the obvious, that it is littering MY blog with his stupid poker crap.
  1. Your truck is your baby? Washing & waxing it is your major activity in life? You obviously have PDS (penis of diminutive size), or you would get a real hobby, like physics or rugby.
  2. You web-surf in your basement?!? How much kiddie porn do you actually have on your hard drive? Is it because your mom is upstairs watching Ellen reruns and you don't want to disturb her? Is it because you want to keep an eye on your death's-head moths to make sure they don't escape to the outside world?
  3. Anyways? Anyways?!?!? What are you, 6 and three-quarters?!? Next you'll tell me that I'm not the boss of you.
  4. Grabbing your master's degree? Yeah, that's the terminology we use in post-graduate studies. Did I mention I yanked a second master's a few years ago, and will one day pluck a PhD? Fuckin' retard.
  5. 6 months researching suited poker chips? Ummm, yeah.
  6. You landed smack dab in the middle of MY blog researching suited poker chips? Glad it led you to my heartfelt post about combating my little fascination with alcohol. Since I have never mentioned poker on my blog, maybe it was me saying I "FLUSHed" all my old booze down the toilet that led you here. Welcome, scumbag!
  7. Emoticons do not have noses. Please use :) , not :0) in any future correspondence with me.
  8. Yes, I do have nice blogging friends!

BabyJewels once had a great post in which people wrote fake spam in her comment thread. If you feel inspired, I'd love to see what you come up with! Otherwise, just tell me what you think of the asshat. But please remember: he is a human being. With feelings. Which means he can be slowly tortured and feel each & every sensation on his screaming flesh.

February 17, 2006

Mmmm. Eat.

In reponse to Jiggs' post about meat, I will now itemize the meats I have eaten.

BIRDS:
Chicken
Turkey
Goose
Duck
Pheasant
Grouse
Cornish Game Hen
Ostrich
Emu

HOOFED MAMMALS (includes cloven hoof)
Beef

Antelope
Venison
Pork, suckling pig too
Wild Boar
Sheep
Lamb
Goat
Elk
Bison


NON-HOOFED MAMMALS
Rabbit


FISH
Salmon
Bass
Tuna
Perch

Red Snapper
Bluegill
Mackerel
Trout
Pollock
Catfish

Grouper
Carp
Pickerel
Mahi Mahi
Tilapia
Monkfish (and vowed never to eat again after I found out what it looked like)
Swordfish
Eel
Cod
Haddock

& others, probably too numerous to mention ...

ARTHROPODS
Lobster
Crayfish
King Crab
Blue Crab

MOLLUSKS
Squid
Octopus
Clams
Oysters
Mussels
Scallops
Conch
Escargot, whatever type of snail that is

REPTILIANS
Alligator

MISCELLANY / UNIDENTIFIED
Tube Steak
Eggs
Caviar
Tube-shaped meat I found in Wonton Soup & wrote to unnamed Soup Behemoth about
Bologna
Liverwurst
Olive Loaf
Headcheese (sült)
Spam
Jerky
Blood Sausage
Meat Loaf



MEATS I WILL NEVER EAT
Insect
Spider
Monkey
Manatee
Horse
Zebra
Any African exotic meat, except maybe gazelle or antelope
Any mammalian or avian predator
Brain
Tripe
Tongue
Ovary
Rodents
Cat
Snake
Dog
Human (unless stranded)
Baby Seal
Whale

With any luck, this list will grow & grow as I discover and remember more meats. This may in fact be the very best post I have ever written.


October 28, 2005

Tagged, Dammit! Warning: May Contain Lies

Used Hack tagged me to play this fun little game. The bastard. No really, I love you (second-cousin style). I tag Lulu, Dane, Madge, and Calzone.


1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog?

Yes, I try to look hawt, but only so that I can fine-tune my skewering skills with the meat guy.

2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered?

Sometimes.

3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks e-mail you?

I'll let you know when it happens. Since I am sort of a creep and a dork, they'd have to be pretty bad to creep me out.

4. Do you lie in your blog?

I think the things that are lies are obvious, unless you are a journalist. I will exaggerate for the sake of humor. I don't consider it lying; I consider it artistic license. Read the disclaimer in my subheading! It's my blog, dammit!

5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog?

Hmmm, trying to imagine what that would look like. "I will hold my breath until you do this tag" ? I am passive-aggressive in life, so I am sure it must leak into my blogging self.

6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop?

Oooh! That's a great idea! I need to be stroked constantly!

7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping?

Not at the moment; sure, talking to a professional couldn't hurt.

8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones?

I have deleted my own mean comments from others' blogs, like when I was calling that girl a "ho" a while back. I also delete spam, and I deleted some anonymous asshole who wrote "are you a fucking drunk whore?" because I thought it gave away too much of my identity, which I'm trying to protect. Fake nice comments...you mean, like to myself? Ummm, no. That's like sending flowers to myself! Which...I have done. So maybe I will start writing fake comments to myself. I need to constantly stroke myself.

9. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog?

No, you sickies! Jeez, what do you think I am, an animal?!? I wait until afterwards, like a lady!

10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less?

All people love me. All must flock to me! Except those that won't (see #25).


11. Do you have a job?

Yes, I have the best job in the whole world.

12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it?

Yes, as long as I have the option of waiting until I have good stuff, and don't have to post "something" every day. And if I could be totally anonymous, so I could be dirty. Hmmm, maybe I'll do that anyhow.

13. Which bloggers do you want to meet in real life?

Just one (yeah you).

14. Which bloggers have you made out with? (a) In real life? (b) In fantasy?

(a) 13 humans (my lips on the monitor; that counts, right?), two stuffed animals, and one lava lamp.
(b) As if I would tell you that.

15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have?

Huh? I don't know how "acting like money" goes. I spend all my freaking money at Starbucks. So which one is that?

16. Does your family read your blog?

Yes, much to their daily angst. They like it (right?).

17. How old is your blog?

4 months. Ish. Wow, I'
ve written a lot of stuff in 4 months. I am tired. I need to lie down now.

18. Do you get more than 1000 page views per day? Do you care?
I never did that math; it seems a little complex. I love my little counter; it proves that all the people are flocking to the sound of my little fife, and following me out of Hamlin town. Come on, people!

19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar?
Wow, that's another good idea. But I'm none of those things. I suppose I could become 2 out of 3 of them for the sake of the Muse.

20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing?

Not for their writing, no.

21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes?

I don't make any money. I refuse to be Blogger.com's whore. This is a labor of love, dammit! I am an artiste!!

22. Is blogging narcissistic?

what? I didn't hear you; I was busy studying my face in the mirror.

23. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time?
Not guilty so much as anxious. I feel like my creativity is drying up. I find a 3-day break does wonders in getting the juices back up & flowing.

24. Do you like John Mayer?

I don't have any room for squares, so no. Plus, my body is my own wonderland.

25. Do you have enemies?

Probably.

26. Are you lonely?

Sometimes. Aren't you?

27. Why bother?

Because I only have this one life to live.