The plight of the orange mittens...

First, the Background.

One of the jobs of being a teacher in my school is to direct the traffic during the early-morning parent drop-off. This is quite a stressful job, because everyone wants to show that their BMW is the fastest, and that crosswalk laws don't apply to people who are late for their manicure. The person in my school who does this job is a lovely lady named Gilda, and I have always admired how she does the job with such cheer.

One morning, a particularly cold morning, we talked as I crossed the traffic under her careful supervision. We observed that she'd be warmer with mittens, but of course they would need to be bright orange, so that she could direct traffic with them.

A few days later I happened to be shopping at my favorite woodsy online shoppe (read all about how great their customer service is here); I discovered a pair of fleecy orange mittens on sale, and had them sent to her at school. They arrived in just a few days, and Gilda came to my classroom waving her mitten-clad hands happily, thanking me.

Now comes the strange part of the tale.

This past week, whenever I arrived at school, I saw Gilda directing traffic, sporting her new orange mittens. This made me happy, because I like when people actually use a gift that I give them, which is rare. But on Tuesday, I observed that she seemed to be putting the mittens on as I approached the school. It didn't really capture my attention too much, until I saw her doing the same thing on Thursday. I began to think ... could it be that she was actually just putting the mittens on for me to see?

Sure enough ... I went inside, but about two minutes later peeked out the windows and saw, to my utter dismay, that she had other mittens on and the orange one was sticking out of her pocket. How odd! Why would she only put the mittens on for me to see?!?!?!

I don't even know how to think about this. It is so very strange that I don't know whether I should be flattered, offended, or what. I suppose I'm supposed to feel just the way I feel, which is a giant "Huh?!?"... not to mention that the preferred mittens are bright yellow, therefore highly visible, and possibly warmer. So I can understand that. But why the charade?

On another note, here are some of the pictures you can find if you Google "orange mitten":

On a scale of 1-10, how cute is this duck?

Even I think he's cute,

and I hate shit like that.

Tits, Teachers, Tendons, & Turkey Chili

[*A highly caffeinated post]

So it's colder than a witch's tit out there--I actually had to wear a hat today! For the first time since last winter! Luckily, it is an especially fabu piece of knit-on-the-Fritz, so I felt extra purty.

Speaking of gifts, a most wonderful package arrived in the mail yesterday, from the Long Beach Sea Hag. There are so many delights within, that I must write a whole separate post about it, and as soon as my camera and my ass thaw out, I will do this. There are tufts of fur. (That's what we in the biz call a teaser)

I do believe I was a very cute child.

Quote of the day: A student told me I looked different today. I said, "Do I look tired and fat? 'Cause that's how I feel." This scored major laugh points, and we are now bonded forever. She'll have to make room though, because all my teats are full with the other 95 needy souls who are sucking me dry.

I love my job! You too can be a teacher, and fill young minds with your neuroses! I'd like to welcome Miss Tits to the ranks -- please do congratulate her.

Where is Monkey? Do you think someone forgot to set his alarm? Do you think he has enough nuts and berries to sustain him through these cold cold days? Do you think his cubs have been born, and have they learned to suckle?

Today I made an enemy at the grocery store. (I say this as if it were a rare occurrence). This lady was behind me, running me down with her cart, and I kept looking over my shoulder at her cart, and I finally stopped and moved over and let her pass. She looked at me as if I had just had a gastrointestinal blowout in church, and said, "Sor-REE!" with this gigantic sarcastic eyebrow. But you see, ever since Twirling Girl rammed my Achilles Tendon with a cart (circa 1975), I cannot have a grocery cart that close behind me. So it wasn't you, per se, whorebag. It was your whoring tendon-seeking cart and its warp speed that irked me.

Speaking of enemies, should I feel guilty about the homeless guy I pass every day standing at my exit off the interstate, holding a sign and staring into the distance as car after car passes him by? What would you do in this situation?

Lastly, I feel that my dad's chili is really the perfect food, and if I could only eat one food every day for the rest of my life, this would be it. Yum.

Everything's Better Tripled (a sweet meme)

1. Three things that scare me
Fundamentalism
Ouija Boards
Things with big eyes

2. Three people that make me laugh
Kathy Griffin
My dad
Leigh Yung Li

3.Three things I hate the most
Caraway Seeds
Dog Shit
When I make a joke and end up hurting someone's feelings by accident

4. Three things I don't understand
The stock market
The schedule board at my school
Why pictures of Carrot Top make me feel funny in my tickle-place

5. Three things I'm doing right now
Wearing PJ pants
drinking apple cider
feeling this weird bump I have on the skin of my left forearm

6. Things to do before I die
Live
Love
Leave a big fun mess

7. Three things I can do
Play Bach's Minuet in G while lying backwards on the piano bench with my arms up over my head
Write exactly what I mean to say
Execute a dive from 30 feet above the surface of the water

8. Three ways to describe my personality
I'll let y'all do this one.

9. Three things I can't do
Draw
A split ... not since age 14
Watch a game of football

10. Three things I think you should listen to
Mozart's Clarinet Concerto; the middle movement
Beethoven's 9th Symphony, performed live
25,000 people saying the Pledge of Allegiance

11. Three things you should never listen to
Any song with screaming in it
Hate lyrics
The findings of the latest food study

12. Three things I'd like to learn
How to put together an engine
Where everything is in New York City, so I don't need a map
How to knit

13. Three favorite foods
Lasagna
Pumpkin ice cream
The mayonnaise & tomato sandwich

14. Three beverages I drink regularly
Iced tea
coffee
seltzer or tonic

15. Three TV shows I watched as a kid
Little House on the Prairie
Sesame Street
The Saturday Night Love Boat-Fantasy Island Double-banger

The things that emerge when I am left to my own devices.

Walking on the street in Manhattan (on the big night), I spotted this window. After urinating spontaneously, I snapped a picture so that you could share in my horror. What the crazy blue f*** is this world of ours coming to?!?

Why would anyone give a baby such a rattle? They are fuzzy amputees. Mockeries of the full-bodied animals they could be. That they long to be. Trapped in limbless bodies, to be grasped in a fist and shaken, gummed, lactated upon. It's sick!

I've been playing round after round of hold my pint. I can't get enough of it; it's the closest I can get to being drunk, myself.

By the way ... Estonians would never name a child Nina, because it means Nose.

I must learn to knit, if only to make these wonderful little egg caps for keeping my soft-boiled egg nice and cozy until I bash it open.


These are my mother's. A childhood memory emerges, of eggs in egg cups, each with its own hat; mine had the yellow; for it was my favorite color.


My twin sister's egg cap was blue. Later, when Tuuna Taco came along, she had red or green.


Now here's the best idea I've seen in a while. Wheelchairs for the beach! Check out those tires. Leave it to Coast Guard Beach to know what's what. Kudos to the Cape Cod National Seashore!!

I Found Her in the Grafitti

The cabin at choir camp had camp-graffiti all over the walls. I think one of them was left by a fellow blogger in her childhood. Let's go ask her!

Merrill Mason:

Knitting While Sleeping

Projects for Fritz

Fritz has recently taken up knitting.

I think she should try dolls like this, next.

Then maybe this mask ...

and this womb?

Unconscious Mutterings 165

Let's not waste any time with formal introductions. Go!

1. Desire ::




2. Sleep ::




3. Lost ::




4. 2006 ::




5. Pump ::




6. Space ::




7. Stuck ::




8. Reference::




9. Birth::




10. Hand::

The safe word is ...

"knitting needles"

Spinnerina said ...

1. Desire :: Despair, desire ... sooooo many monsters (Annie Lennox)


2. Sleep :: Perchance to dream


3. Lost :: in Space!


4. 2006 :: 2007


5. Pump :: Breast milk


6. Space :: Monkeys


7. Stuck :: La Brea Tar Pits


8. Reference:: Encyclopedia


9. Birth:: Canal


10. Hand:: Lotion

All the most rockin' subliminal stuff goes down at Luna's place. Go see!!