August 01, 2005

Thoughts That Surfaced While I Was Attempting to Meditate

While I am learning to meditate, I am instructed to just allow thoughts to come, observe them, and let them pass. I haven't gotten very far in silencing the "inner chatter" yet. Today, while trying to still the mind, these thoughts emerged:

I Got paid $20 on a dare to sit in a shopping cart outside the grocery store and say, “Push me?” to passers-by. Nobody pushed me, but I heard one mother tell her child that I must be retarded. I guess a 30-something lady sitting in a shopping cart isn’t that common a sight.

When I was 13, as a joke I lunged across the table and speared my sister’s steak onto my plate and started sawing into it. My father did not think it was funny. He told me to take my plate and go eat in the garage “with the rest of the animals." So I sat on the cat food bucket in the garage with my plate, sobbing, “I’m an animal!” while I finished my dinner.

Humor is all in the timing.

I stop reading when people can’t spell; especially when it comes to oft-misspelled homonyms like here-hear, there-they’re-their, your-you’re, its-it’s. If that makes me a snob, so be it.

It’s MOTE-sart, not MOZE-art, you ignorant asshole.

Why do some people bulldoze food (fried rice, for example) onto their forks with their fingers? I broke up with you partly because of that. It’s hard to retain sexual attraction for somebody after you have seen them with all their fingers in their food. Gross!


Oopsy, some old ugly feelings resurfaced there for a second.


... oh, and use a goddamn Q-Tip, for chrissake.


Americans are the only people I know of who applaud & cheer at the end of their National Anthem. Shouldn’t we be more solemn?


Why does that chick at Curves not wear a bra while she works out? If they were perky they’d at least be fun to look at, but they’re quite pendulous. Like two bloated divining rods seeking water.


I might have made a mistake when I sold my house. Now I’m shelling out mad scrilla for this apartment and not building equity.


The Dalai Lama is kind of sexy … in an old-man, enlightened kinda way.


Caraway seeds are just so nasty. Strangely, I like fennel.


I hope the farmer’s market still has good fruit even though it closes in an hour ... let’s go see.

14 comments:

Juliabohemian said...

wow we have similar intolerances. I too, have no patience for people who have managed to escape the public school system without retaining anything. I also loathe cultural illiteracy.

worldwide1 said...

Now the cart stunt...That I enjoy.
I often like to push my cart and jump on...sure folks look at me and think,"that man is sick".


In reality,they wish they could have some fun in their dreadfully boring lives.

Keep up the good work.

Danius Maximus said...

woot!

mr_g said...

Some people just have no sense of humor at the dinner table!! I mean, after all, you did use your utensils! Animal...sheesh!

BadGod said...

You hate oft-misspelled words? Yet you read my blog? I am going to do a post and leave it just as I typed it.
You would hunt me down and kill me.

BadGod said...

And who you callin' a homo nym? That is not nice. They are people and have feelings. I will leave now, I am sorry.

Charlie Mc said...

great post. I love doing shit for dares/money....

Juliabohemian said...

Oh and I totally would have pushed you...

Thomas said...

But can retarded people blog?

Justin said...

When I was in school in Biloxi, I went to this place called the "Fish Bowl." Among other things, they had several chess boards for people to play on. However, I didn't know anybody, so I held a sign that said "Yes, you must play the chess master!" -Shrugs- it got me a few games, plus and invite to be in the "Outgoing Skit Team."

You never know what you can expect in life!

-Justin

canis lupus said...

Alas, guilty as charged with some of the mispellings. Most of the time I'm just writing off of my head. And I've little time to parse it through spell check. Read about your flight into Florida. I don't know where you live, but might I suggest JetBlue. The service is scrum-diddly-umptious. (yes, channeling my inner Ned Flanders.)

Violet said...

Do they make shopping carts pretty large over there, or are you just petite? I would have thought it quite hard to get out of the cart once you've managed to wedge yourself in.

Spinning Girl said...

oh no, I'm still in it. I am stuck.

Mike said...

Loved the image of you in the shopping cart yelling "push me," but being called a retard put it over the top.

I, too, would have given you a push.