November 15, 2006

Meditation on a venti no-water extra-hot two percent vanilla chai latte.

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How so very decadent I feel on my sick day, lounging in bed until ten and then buying not one, but two chai lattes, they soothe my throat you know, and solid food is making me gag. and I need some calories from somewhere. Reading the Science Times from cover to cover, feeling overwhelmed that I can never, will never, teach these kids all there is to know. I don’t even know it all. They’ve got to learn some of it on their own. How cute they all look, on the days I hand out the Science Times to them all, and they spend the class period poring over it.

A chance to do errands … the dry cleaner gave me a sour look when I handed her the bag of hangers to re-use; so what if they have the competitor’s logo on them? Sorry about the one wrapped in yarn, I don’t know where that came from. Oh, and the bent-to-hell one.

And why do I find my trip to Bed bath & Beyond so very depressing? What with the fluorescent lighting and the doors that open by themselves and all the brightly lit aisles with the busy commerce of toiletries and cheap drapes, and the music that changes from section to section; Christmas carols in the premature holiday area. Happy fucking Kwanzaa, and all the other made-up holidays!!! And the music in the Beyond section is so very soothing, with its subtle sound of dripping water that makes me have to urinate. And the bright yellow “Clearance! As is!” signs. And the would-be-pretty lady with the unfortunate giant brown birthmark on her cheek. Everyone’s just doing the best they can, doing their errands, but even with all this brightly-lit plastic wonderfulness, why are so many people so sad?

There’s too much commerce. I just want to chop wood and kill and cook my own deer. I want to see a fucking bear or a cougar one of these days.

I miss prairie days.

Just playing Chasing Cars over and over again, wondering when I'll get sick of it. It grows on me, even though it contains about 4 different notes.

There’s that high school boy who gets out of school at 1:47 and pedals furiously on his too-small bike, knees pumping somewhere up around his shoulders, his jeans so low & long they catch in the chain almost, pedaling pedaling to his oh so sad job at the 1-800-MATTRES (leave off one S ... for savings! Christ almighty.) store. So he can pay for his pimped-out Honda Civic hatchback with the chrome spinners, and maybe make manager after he graduates a year and a half later than he was supposed to.

And that lady walking her poodle; she's quite elderly, taking her time while Fifi tugs at her skinny little leash-on-a-spool. The little old lady, walking slowly, carrying her plastic grocery bag of shit. No city ordinances broken here, no way.

And does anyone else think it’s wrong that the two McDonald's flags fly higher than Old Glory? The two flags that are unnecessary, as the larger-than-any-other-flag Golden Arches already dominate the other two flags below? Oops, that one didn't manage to make it into the photo. My camera-phone. Which is sad in its own way. Do we live in the United fucking McDonald's of America?!?

Just doing the best I can, here.

I have to remember that my family and my friends are there, all of us just clinging to each other and trying to live our best lives, how much I actually love raking my acorns into piles, and talking to my students, and trying to remind them that there is life outside their electronics and MySpace.


If I lay here ... if I just lie here, will you lie with me and just forget the world?

The foam from the chai on my lip makes me happy.

These little happinesses just have to add up and tip the scales away from the depressing parts, or we’re all doomed.

So I’ll focus on the little happinesses.

...like neighbors who offer a hand.

Christmas.

Nutmeg.

The smell of burning leaves, and church bells, and the high note in that beautiful song I just learned, and the fellowship of other people who are struggling along as I am.

Done with the chai, throat still hurts.

Time for a refill.

12 comments:

Übermilf said...

I see that Mr. Glum came to your house, too.

I shoulda killed that muthafucka when I had the chance. Sorry.

I could send ÜberYounger over to your house to watch Curious George with you. Would that help?

Monkey said...

Now that is downright odd. We watched "Curious George" here this past Monday, and it helped.

I love you more with each passing day Spinning Girl of my furry heart.

1. That you have installed the joy of reading the Science Times in your students is a thing of wonder. Celebrate that.

2. I believe that places like BB&B are depressingly because of their brightly lit plastic wonderfulness. We need more wood dammit. More wood and more real fruit.

3. Let's play Laura Ingalls together, shall we? Churn butter! Beat rugs! Carry water!

4. I just got sick of Chasing Cars. But... fortunately Snow Patrol has many other songs filled with yummy goodness.

5. I lost my train of thought. But... nutmeg and eggnog can solve a number of evils in this world. I just know it.

JJ said...

Have you read Never Let Me Go? I haven't read a more subtle work on the little happinesses that make life so grand.

Sorry, you're sick. Glad you're teaching kids.

I had such rotten teachers for most of my life. Now my wife is a teacher and I meet all her friends and they're all very much into helping the kids, getting them right in the head.

Cheers.

Marisa said...

Mama said there'd be days like this. Hang in there. Allow the gloom to stoke your your passion and creativity.
(I'm still hooked on the Snow Patrol song.)

Ginamonster said...

As long as you are showing them that learning is fun, they'll want to keep on learning. I think you're doing a good job.
sorry to hear that the world is getting you down. I would like to prescribe a dose of "Love Actually" to make you warm and fuzzy.
Chai Lattes are the best I'll think of you while I make them at work tonight. And they are indeed marvelous ona sore throat.

miss kendra said...

I am completely sick of chasing cars, but that could be because kroq plays it 82375947695 times a day.

i do rather enjoy "run," though.

when i come live at your house, we will have chai all day long.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm having one of those weeks as well. But I will be saying "Merry Fucking Kwanzaa!" to myself and getting a little chuckle for the next several weeks now, thanks to you!

DaMasta said...

once again, you've inspired me to blog. (it's myspace, tho, and you've vowed never to go there)

<3 u.

BeckEye said...

Bed Bath & Beyond sucks. I never find anything for my bed or bath there, let alone "beyond."

Rich said...

I hope the cougar doesn't eat you.

jiggs said...

Sick days are rad if you're not too sick.

BadGod said...

Jesus Fuckin' Christ. So this is what a barrel of a gun tastes like.