November 07, 2005

Split Pea Meditations

Yesterday, I made split pea soup. While I was waiting for it to be done, I thought I would try to meditate. I still haven’t gotten that whole “clearing the mind” thing down yet. Intrusive thoughts are keeping me from reaching a state of bliss, goddam it!

When I eat salty food, I have a coughing fit. I have always done so, ever since babyhood. People try to pat me on the back, and I have to tell them no, it’s just the salt. You should hear me eat Tostitos. I hack & wheeze the whole time. But I put salt on everything, because I
love it. Now it’s so bad, even the thought of salt makes me cough. I’m coughing as I write this! I am a freak.

Friday at Starbucks I was given a Canadian nickel for change. I gave it back to the barista and asked for a US nickel (nothing against you
northerners, I just like my change to work in the soda machine, OK?). She took the Canadian nickel and threw it in the trash can. I stared at her, open-mouthed. She just stared back. The other barista was having a hissy fit over it, and yelling at her. I just stared, and then said, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before.” You’d think with such an important-sounding job, she’d be a little smarter.

As we walked on the streets in Boston, one of my students* poked me in the arm to get my attention. I said, “I see your arm poke, and raise you two jabs to the neck.” Joking back, he said, “I see your two jabs, and raise you an Indian twist.” This went back and forth a few times, until he said, “I see your thumb-wrestle, and raise you one hearty spanking!” Wow. Boy, did that conversation came to a screeching halt.

*This is the same young lad who had the beer-opener sandals; who said, in class, "it puts the lotion in the basket!**"; and who, last week, sang Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood (which, if I am not mistaken, is about sixty-nine) until I stopped him. So he is quite a character. Actually, he is me, only 14 and male.

**Click here for danceable version of "It Rubs the Lotion on its Skin"

One day on my drive I noticed a Quiznos, a Subway, and a Blimpie all within one quarter mile. What does that say about us?

Now I want a BLT. Soooooo badly, but noooo, I have to eat f***ing soup. Oh yeah, I made it. Mmmmm, yummy soup.

When I was in fourth grade, my mom and dad got called into school for a conference. It seems that I wasn’t taking school seriously enough. The proof? My friend Amy (not Amy Campbell. F*** you, Amy Campbell!) & I were writing “silly sentences” for our vocabulary. For example, “It is raining noses.” With accompanying picture of rain cloud, umbrella, and hundreds of noses falling from the sky. I think I was just on my way to being a creative writer. My parents laughed the whole way home.

Speaking of childhood, one of my mom’s favorite time-out spots for me & my twin sister was at the bottom of the basement stairs (one in each corner). We (well, I) discovered that if I clacked my teeth together it would resonate through the stairwell and make a really cool boooiiinnnng, boinnnng sound. I convinced my sister to join me, and we boiiiinnng boinnnnged until my mom came down and spanked our asses. It was still really cool, I think.

I don’t feel like doing any work, ever again. All I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom. Is that so wrong?


Sleep Goblin said...

Ah yes. I'm petitioning for no work as well. I'd like a year's vacation from life in general as well.

A Spoon said...

i cant meditate either! i always have too much going around in my head to clear it all out

HitManJ said...

Just shake your rump!

Juliabohemian said...

put the lotion in the basket!!

we used to say that to each other in high school as a joke. I guess we were pretty sick too...

Shanshu said...

Meditating is easy, as long as you are able to clear your mind. If you need help with this, just ask some of the morons I work with...I'm sure they could help you.

GOD I hate Mondays.

AndyT13 said...

So many revalations today! I have been wondering for months the significance of 11.5. Happy belated birthday! Also, it took me quite a while to remember where zooma zoom zoom and a boom boom came from. Yay Joe Cartoon! Anyway...uh...Happy Monday too!

Kay said...

The whole salt-cough thing's kinda weird. Not in a calling-you-a-freak kind of way, just in the, weird, wonder-why-that-happens kind of way.
Happy belated birthday.
Loved the randomness.

mr_g said...

Showing sparks of creativity at age 9 or 10? Good that school nipped THAT in the bud! Now let's get back to diagraming sentences...shall we? Ugh!

Seriously, when I taught, I looked for those students! They pulled me through!

FRITZ said...



I dated a high school teacher once. He was a flirt. He was also Big Red. (My Big Norwegian). We broke up shortly after he confessed to letting a student smack his ass during track practice. And the student was a gal.

A teacher failed on of my book reports in the fith grade. He said I copied the book jacket.

Meditation is too much work. I prefer sleeping.

Weary Hag said...

I've been zooma zoom zoom zooming and a boom booming for a couple of months now and it's simply delightful. Um. You WERE talking about staying home from work and just vegetating all day at home, weren't you? I mean, you weren't referring to the SONG or anything, right?


jiggs said...

Spinning Girl, are you a TILF?

Lee Ann said...

You must have all kinds of interesting school stories. Work must be fun for you.

oh yes, like the new color!

miss kendra said...

that student sounds awesome.

you should mary kay letourneau him.

i really did just say that.

this is why i am not a teacher.

Madge said...

I love that you pay attention to your nickels.

When you get that meditation thing down, please share your secret.

B.O.B.I. said...

I see your zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom and raise you giggity giggity goo and a OH!

Hmm, word ver: yprnhim

"You porn him."

Baby, how I wish you would...

Mad Munkey said...

I'm all for the hearty spanking mind you, but 14... lmao

babyjewels said...

Wow, what Starbucks was it? I want to go in and pay with all canadian nickels. (love the split pea link)

Steve said...

they train those starbucks employees to think their job is prestigious, hence the elitism. they're no better than mcdonalds employees.

LBseahag said...

Fuck Amy Campbell...I'd like to give her an Indian burn (regional name, i guess)
That kid in your class kicks ass. That's how Marilyn Manson started out...or maybe even David Bowie, when he was gay...

I wish we had cool names for money like the looney and tooney...dumb girl for throwing it out...hasnt she ever heard of swiss band accounts?

jamwall said...

hee hee...she said "lotion in the basket"

Ben O. said...

Yep - Subway next to a Quiznos next to a Blimpies is certainly cause to worry.

I always liked the Lowes across the street from the Home Depot.

Ben O.

Cap'n Marrrrk said...

It puts the lotion in the basket!...You can dance to it.

Hahahahah. That kid kills me.

Monkey said...

First I want to point out that I love Miss Kendra more than ever for her comment here.

Secondly... there are so many gems in this post, I don't know what to gush about the most. I love your student! The open mouth was priceless. I love you as a teacher. And Spinning Girl as a child drawing noses falling from the sky is just too wonderful.

And Jiggs is hot for teacher. Or perhaps he wants to "get jiggy with you". I just want to cuddle in your armpit.