Bacon Pistachio Flatulence

I hardly knew what I should wear to Tits' Second Annual Bacon Party. Not to detract from last year's outfit, I decided instead to stay in my jammies and create a gastronomical masterpiece, whilst gorging myself on Uncle Oinker's Bacon Flavored Mints. While Tits and Kendra slather themselves in bacon-flavored vodka and frolic, I shall be creating my bacon meal for one:

Bacon Pistachio Greenery
Brussels Sprouts done Right

Ingredients:

Brussels Sprouts (as many as you want to eat)

Shallots (1)

Bacon (turkey bacon or pancetta cubes work nicely also)

Olive Oil (a hearty splash)

Pistachio Nut Meats (several handfuls) -- if you can't obtain these, pine nuts work nicely also.

1 lemon

Salt & Pepper

Mise en Place:

1. Gorge yourself on Uncle Oinker's Bacon Mints (that Tits sent you) throughout preparation.

2. Remove outer leaves of Brussels sprouts. These will be used for the recipe. Save the hearts for future use, perhaps in a lovely soup.

3. Partially cook bacon, using your favorite method (I prefer the microwave). Cut crosswise into 1/8" mini-strips.

4. Dice the shallot.

5. Juice the lemon.

Preparation:

Just before serving

1. Saute the shallots in olive oil.

2. When the shallots look about half browned, add the bacon.

3. After about 2 more minutes, toss in the Brussels sprouts leaves and the pistachios. Saute for 2-3 more minutes, turning over occasionally.

4. Turn off the heat and just before serving, douse the whole thing in the lemon juice. Season to taste with salt & pepper.

Enjoy! This meal combines my favorite things: the gassiness of cabbage, the greasiness of bacon, and the sinful calorie-packed nutrition of nuts. Bon apetit!