April 12, 2008

... oh, and now you've made me late for my mani-pedi, too. Great.

Yesterday I was sitting outside at Starbucks, watching a woman on a cellphone trying to parallel park with her left hand on the wheel and the right hand holding a cell phone against her left ear. It was not going well, even though she had a Hummer-sized slot to slide her Corolla into. I realized she was probably going to bump the car behind her, which was, unfortunately, my car. Here's how it all went down:
Me: Holy crap you guys, I think this
lady's about to hit my car. Watch. Watch, you guys. Watch her hit my
car.
Cha Cha (my girlfriend): Oh, she is totally going to
hit.
*bump*
*bump*
*bump* (that's her, nudging my car
backwards with the ass of her car)
Me: Holy everliving crap!!! (walking over
to car)
Bimbo Mother (stepping out of car): So I
said to her, there's no way I can get my hair done in 45 minutes and get to the
party on time, there's just no way! (her 2 kids come tumbling out of the back seat) I know, right? So then I told her ...
Me: YOU TOTALLY JUST HIT MY
CAR!!!!
BM: ... that if she could change my appointment to three,
then I could ... excuse me, what?
Me: YOU TOTALLY JUST HIT, AND PUSHED, MY
CAR!!!!!
BM: ... listen I'll call you back in a
little while OK? OK, talk to you then. Kisses! *click* (snaps phone shut) ...
what?
Me: YOU JUST TOTALLY HIT, AND PUSHED, MY
CAR WITH YOUR HORRIBLE PARKING JOB!!!!!!!
BM: (Tossing hair and jutting out chin):
Oh yeah, well, that sometimes happens when you parallel park.
BM's Kids: *staring*
Me: NO IT DOESN'T!!!!
Cha Cha: Not if you hang up the phone.
BM (to Cha Cha) (tuns, flips hair, juts out chin): Oh yeah,
well, this is my nanny's car, and she doesn't have Bluetooth in it, and I
needed to use it and I needed to use my cell phone, OK? (walks
away).
Me: *blinks in disbelief* : You are ridiculous. Go ahead, I'm staying here to take pictures of your car and get your license plate number.
Are. you. kidding. me. BLUETOOTH?!?!?!? YOU ARE BLAMING LACK OF BLUETOOTH?!?!?!?
Unfortunately, my car had no damage, or I would have called the cops. Also, unfortunately, I work in this town, so I didn't let the air out of all 4 of her tires. Could you see it? (Kids in cars driving by: Mommy, why is my science teacher kneeling next to that car's tire?)
Oh. my. god. FUCKING BLUETOOTH?!?!?!?!?!?!?

13 comments:

jamwall said...

The reason I keep bumping into you repeatedly is because I don't have Bluetooth.

Yeah...that's the reason...

Madge said...

whatta hoochie!

Alex L said...

Hahahaha... she sounds like a classy lady. You should of slashed her tyres, if any of your students saw you, it could just serve as a warning to them as well.

Twirling Girl said...

Biotch!
I would have poured my Starbucks Venti Chai into her gas tank! Then watch her figure out how to get home after her mani-pedi when the Carolla doesn't start...it happens sometimes!

Freewheel said...

It's great that she blamed her nanny, given that she sounds just like the spoiled and self-absorbed mommy character from "The Nanny."

jamwall said...

Totally what Twirling said!!

Think Frustrated said...

You should've called the cops. The fact that she hit you and then left is a felony in my state. I'm pretty sure they don't have bluetooth (or nannies) in prison.

Scarlet Hip said...

Are you sure you don't live in Florida?

jiggs said...

it's too bad you can't pay some of your students to let the air out of her tires.

but what a total fucking bitch of a cunt.

Jeans Pants said...

WHAT A MONSTER!! Her not you =0). I hate people so much. Sorry I've been gone so long. In the last year I've lived in 5 different apartments and Im trying to get my life together. I think it's starting to happen.

Anyways enough about me, That woman, AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! That's why i quit IKEA. I cant handle people like that.

I like to think there's a special hell for people like that. It's a hell where they train manners for like a century

t2ed said...

I really, really advocate a law outlawing any driving while talking on any cellphone--even Bluetooth. I really the powerful phone lobby is going to have me hunted down and killed for expressing this opinion outloud.

The good news is that anything I screw up ever again is going to get blamed on my not having Bluetooth.

You should have said that flipping her hair like that make little wrinkles in her face. That would have ruined her decade.

FRITZ said...

i hate this world and all the people in it.

and I would have called the police.

Here's what I liked (because it's what I would say): "Watch! Watch! She's going to hit my car! Watch!"

DaMasta said...

I've been meaning to hook up my new phone to my car's bloootooth, but I keep forgetting and I keep swerving from lane to lane b/c i can't stop texting in my car. it's addicting. someone should chop off my thumb and index fingers.