Yesterday I was sitting outside at Starbucks, watching a woman on a cellphone trying to parallel park with her left hand on the wheel and the right hand holding a cell phone against her left ear. It was not going well, even though she had a Hummer-sized slot to slide her Corolla into. I realized she was probably going to bump the car behind her, which was, unfortunately, my car. Here's how it all went down:
Me: Holy crap you guys, I think this
lady's about to hit my car. Watch. Watch, you guys. Watch her hit my
car.Cha Cha (my girlfriend): Oh, she is totally going to
hit.*bump**bump**bump* (that's her, nudging my car
backwards with the ass of her car)Me: Holy everliving crap!!! (walking over
to car)Bimbo Mother (stepping out of car): So I
said to her, there's no way I can get my hair done in 45 minutes and get to the
party on time, there's just no way! (her 2 kids come tumbling out of the back seat) I know, right? So then I told her ...Me: YOU TOTALLY JUST HIT MY
CAR!!!!BM: ... that if she could change my appointment to three,
then I could ... excuse me, what?Me: YOU TOTALLY JUST HIT, AND PUSHED, MY
CAR!!!!!BM: ... listen I'll call you back in a
little while OK? OK, talk to you then. Kisses! *click* (snaps phone shut) ...
what?Me: YOU JUST TOTALLY HIT, AND PUSHED, MY
CAR WITH YOUR HORRIBLE PARKING JOB!!!!!!!BM: (Tossing hair and jutting out chin):
Oh yeah, well, that sometimes happens when you parallel park.BM's Kids: *staring*Me: NO IT DOESN'T!!!!Cha Cha: Not if you hang up the phone.BM (to Cha Cha) (tuns, flips hair, juts out chin): Oh yeah,
well, this is my nanny's car, and she doesn't have Bluetooth in it, and I
needed to use it and I needed to use my cell phone, OK? (walks
away).Me: *blinks in disbelief* : You are ridiculous. Go ahead, I'm staying here to take pictures of your car and get your license plate number.
Are. you. kidding. me. BLUETOOTH?!?!?!? YOU ARE BLAMING LACK OF BLUETOOTH?!?!?!?
Unfortunately, my car had no damage, or I would have called the cops. Also, unfortunately, I work in this town, so I didn't let the air out of all 4 of her tires. Could you see it? (Kids in cars driving by: Mommy, why is my science teacher kneeling next to that car's tire?)
Oh. my. god. FUCKING BLUETOOTH?!?!?!?!?!?!?