August 07, 2006

Meditation: Errand Thoughts

It’s been pretty hard to meditate lately; my meditative moments come mostly in the form of loose thoughts on my drives in the car, to-from the realtor, lawyer, and mortgage office. Even so, I’ve been blessed with a few bursts of divine wisdom and self-knowledge, which I will now share with you. A confessional of sorts.

I have finally discovered the secret to dropping a few pounds. I’m hesitant to share it with you, because I am going to see if I can get a patent on it, and I don’t want you to steal my idea. But I feel that I can trust you, so I will tell you what I have discovered. The secret to losing weight is to ... EAT LESS FOOD. I know, mind-blowing, isn’t it? I’m surprised no one thought of it sooner.

Speaking of weight, I have a thing about carrying things. I have to carry everything all at once. A shopping-cartload of groceries gets carried into the house in one huge trip. I balance both sides, hanging bags upon bags off of each hand and wrist, then start walking. I crash into the rhododendron bush and the doorknob on the way. No matter, I am getting it all in one trip. People who ask if I need help are shunned with the magical phrase, “no thanks – I’m all balanced." I am delighted to see that my little 2.5-year-old niece has acquired the same gene, as she carries all of her toys from place to place. Only lesser people make multiple trips.

Lesser people also aren’t that efficient about laundry as I am. It is perfectly OK to wear the black tank top you slept in to work, as long as it is under another shirt.

I’m starting to worry that between that last comment, the DHF and DH discussion from the other day, and some other comments I have made, you people are starting to think I am gross. I’m really not, am I? I just dare to say the things that other people do, but don’t say. How many of you have sniffed a shirt you found on the floor to see if it is clean enough to wear? Huh? How about underwear? Yeah, you guys are gross. I am so much better than that. I would never sniff my own dirty laundry. Only other people’s, when I house-sit.

It’s like looking through other people’s medicine cabinets. Everyone acts all indignant and horrified at the prospect. I defy you to name one person who has never done that. How do you think I keep my Vicodin prescription up-to-date now that my name is on that statewide list the doctors all get? Yep, you betcha.

But I jest. Or do I?

Speaking of addictions, what about pasta? Yum. This past winter my comfort food of choice was the Boston Market Macaroni & Cheese. Nuke it, douse it in Tabasco sauce, and down the hatch. See paragraph 2 for how that worked out for me. But I must tell you that I think cooking pasta “al dente” is a bunch of bullshit made up by pretentious assholes at Conde Nast who just want you to think that you are an uncultured loser if you like your noodles soft. Al dente = chewy and strange. Cook the crap out of it, I say.

I’ve really been missing updating my iTunes since my stuff’s been living on the palette in White Plains; I keep listening to the same playlists over & over. That’s fine; three more weeks of the Dixie Chicks can’t be that bad for me. I have come to the conclusion --- or actually, finally developed the bravery to say --- I don’t like the Beatles, Rolling Stones, or Elvis (sorry BG). I’m really sorry. Will I go to hell for this?

Probably not; not to mention, I already have my ticket from all the times I got in people’s beds when I was babysitting their kids.


Kat said...

Eat less....or more of the good shit.
So you sound like a fellow perfectionist. Yes? How are your organizational skills. Me, I like categorically vs alphabetically. And boxes. I like everything to have a box. Or a bin or basket. Whatever. Just keep it IN something. Oh, and the loading the dishwasher or packing the trunk (oops...that came out wrong), must be done by me. Cause I will get EVERYTHING to fit (without cramming or breaking) really is a fine art.

Ps...don't ya love the heavy bag cuts and creases you get from carrying 100 lb of groceries. A real sense of accomplishment that.

DaMasta said...

I think carrying everything up all at once is a single gal living on her own thing. Yep. Cause I do it too.

And I live in tank tops, so yeah I work up Saturday morning in my silky pink tank and then wore it under a shirt that day. Sure did. And yes, it's perfectly fine if you do that. Who doesn't?

larry h. said...

To quote that Homer Simpson chap: "Tank tops ... mmmmm"

B.E. Earl said...

Boston Market Mac & Cheese smothered in tabasco! Mmmmmmm!

I prefer Frank's Red Hot sauce, but "yum" either way.

Naynayfazz said...

Hey, I just came across your blog and wanted you to know that I think you are hysterical! I loved the part about eating less. What a concept! Who would've thunk it? :) I am adding you to my blogroll. Come and check out my blog when you get a chance!

Freewheel said...

I think I saw a movie once about a couple who comes home and finds the babysitter in their bed. Hmmm... can't think of the title right now, but I can tell you that the movie didn't have much dialogue.

miss kendra said...

you're not gross. just honest. very honest.

jamwall said...


that pair of cheese underwear in my pantry is still fresh enough to wear!


BadGod said...

How the fuck could you not like Elvis?

I am not a man who is easly baffled, but I can not wrap my head around the fact that some people do not like Elvis.

Lee Ann said...

I am just like that...carrying all of my bags in from the grocery store at one time. It would make life so much easier if I had a remote on my key chain to close my trunk!

MadMeer said...

I think you are totally gross, but in that naughty stink-free sort of way, which is far superior to most humans who really do stink and who lack delicious naughtiness all together. How boring is that?

Mmmmm - Hard noodles. What are we talking about again?

Oh, grocery carrying. Yeah, I do that too, but I'm a little OCD and proud too. I think we are afflicted by a lot of the same conditions.

Madge said...

*carries groceries all in shot, too*

Dave Morris said...

Jesus, that Boston Market Mac-n-cheese w/ tobasco sounds so good right now.

I am on a weight-loss binge, I'm down 30 pounds from my heaviest, and it all came from (whispering) eating less food. Thanks for affirming that I'm on the right track.

Not to say it wasn't your original idea, I remember you slipping and blurting it out one time...