September 23, 2005

The Tale of Goldilocks (a.k.a. I Might Be Going to Hell)

  • Shanshu's post about chain letters prompted me to write this post about something I did. I am at once ashamed and secretly delighted at what I did. I paid for it for a year.

  • Let me walk you through it...
  • I have a friend ... well, an ex-friend, for reasons that shall become apparent, named SBH (for "Screaming Bobble-Head" ; a story for another time, but this image should help set the tone), who always always always forwards emails. I hate the forward. I loathe it. My chic-nana friends like Leigh Yung Li and Quilting Girl at least clean up their jokes before they send them to me, and they never send me touchy-feely stuff.
  • I particularly loathe the forwards that say some queer shit like, "This angel loves you" or "This ___ wants to give you a hug of love and support!" (insert own word in the blank: puppy, kitten, homeless guy). I'm anyway not a fan of angels, fairies, crystals, etc.; when coupled with the insult of 11.5 million other email addresses on top and a million of these thingies >>>>>>> in front of the text, it's a sure thing that email's going in the recycle bin before some crusty old hobo can get his loving arms around me.
  • So, SBH was one of the top offenders. I did ask her a few times not to include me on her list, and she would comply, then forget. Then we had an incident in which she threatened to beat me up, which is comical, because she is 4'10", and I pushed her down on a tile floor, and she kicked her clog into a decorative ceramic bowl and broke it. All of this took place at a very classy teacher party, where obviously alcohol was being served. Oops, I promised I'd tell that story another time. But it's important you know that I was getting tired of her and her childish ways, which is why I did what I did.
  • One day a year or so ago, I received an email from SBH, and here is what it said.
  • To: Spinning Girl
    From: Screaming Bobble Head
    Re: FW:FWD:Fw:Fw:FW:Fwd:FW:FW: Help us find Goldy, PLEASE!!!! DO NOT DELETE!!!!
  • Inside, there were about 23.7 inches of email addresses (I measured) followed by SBH's two cents (seems far, but worth a try! :-) love, SBH) [p.s. I hate when people put noses on their emoticons. It's :) , dammit!] and this very touching notice:

  • Our cocker spaniel Goldilocks has been missing for 2 weeks. She was last seen on 8/22/04 in the Elm Street area. She is a 3-year old female who answers to her name and is very affectionate. If you find her, please call us! Forward this to all of your friends!!!

    Major Lee & Vera Upsetten
    Macomb, Illinois

  • Illinois.
  • Illi-fucki-NOIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Well, I had had it. With SBH, the stupid forwards, with all of it. Now comes the part where I did the thing.
  • I hit "reply all" and wrote:

    A coyote ate her.
  • This may have been a mistake. In hindsight, it was a bit cruel, because at its last point that email landed in the laps of the original owners, who were probably distraught enough, and probably have a cute little pig-tailed five-year-old at home, crying herself to sleep every night. In my heart of hearts, I hope that Goldilocks made it home from Connecticut to Illinois on her bloody little paws and crept into her dog bed someday soon thereafter. I hope the coyotes left her alone (even though I love the idea of coyotes, as I've mentioned in the past, death by canid gnawing just can't be pleasant). But what is wrong with all the people between Illinois & here who forwarded that email to their whole address book?!?!?!?!?

  • I feel somewhat justified in my angry reply, even though I realize that it was really just the final impetus for changing my name from pencil to ink on Satan-man's roster. If I believed in Hell, I suppose I'd be worried, but I don't, so I'll just worry that maybe a coyote will get a hold of my carcass before it's been properly tucked away in the soil.

  • The worst part of the story, at least for me, is that I paid the Piper. Boy, did I. I got mountains of hate-mail in my inbox from all of those people; people who were angry that I included them, as well as people who thought I was a terrible person. Even some animal lovers, if you can believe it! After a while, if I saw a name I didn't recognize, I'd just delete it, but in the beginning I would read them and then feel so bad about myself I would wear a hair shirt. Well, not so much wear it, as make an appointment for a half-day at the spa for highlights and deep conditioning; maybe even a pedicure.
  • The happy ending to the story is that it was the last time I ever heard from SBH. No great loss there, since she had threatened my life with her little golf-ball fists. I do wish I knew about the dog, though; I really do hope she made it.

  • Can you maybe forward this post to everyone you know and help me find out?


  • Disclaimer: Failure to mention Hurricane Rita, the Oxygen Bus, Sky Blue, or Kate Moss does not indicate lack of compassion on the part of this Blogger. Inflicting false death by coyote on an innocent made-up spaniel may, however.


Sis B said...

I'll be in your elevator on the way down because I thought your reply was hysterical. Even if Goldy were my dog, I'd laugh.

And at least you didn't say a dingo ate their baby.

Danius Maximus said...

yeah yeah thats great and all, down with forwards. but on to the important stuff; you erased my link!? I don't even warrant a line throught the link? what will it take to get back in your good graces? booze and roses on standby

Bobby said...

I had a vednor who accientally left everyone's email in the TO field, instead of the BLIND COPY field.

FOr a year and a freaking half, there were replies to this email asking to be taken off of the list, TO the whole list, not the idiot who started it.

Then, another idiot would reply that they hadn't needed to email the whole list to tell just one person that they wanted off the list, but in doing so, THEY in turn emailed the whole list instead of just the person.

I participated, thinking my clear head would help clear things up, but I finally have up.

What made it great was, the people replying a year and a half later to a work related email. I wish I worked there, where that was acceptable.

This isn't anywhere near your going to hell email, but I thought it might make you chuckle and make your ride down more pleasant.

Bobby said...

I just realized how many typos were in my comment. Please forgive, and no, I am not retyping it.

FRITZ said...

Did you know that when coyotes are excessively hunted, their birth rate actually increases?
i hate forwards about as much as you do.
My mother sends them to me constantly. She forgets to delete these:

Re: Stupid fucking forward-------------

etc. etc.
Sorry I cussed. Sorry I just took up so much space.

Juliabohemian said...

A dog missing for that long was either stolen or eaten. I HATE those kinds of e-mails. I especially hate the ones that tell you that you will have good luck if you forward the mssg to 17 people. I hate the one's that try to actually guilt you into forwarding them.

Lee Ann said...

Reminds me of Meryl Streep..."The Dingo ate my baby"!

Have a good weekend.

babyjewels said...

Oh, Spinning Girl, you are funny. Some people don't have a sense of humor.

Jenny said...

I understand that there is a time for sympathy and a time to joke, but what you did was funny.

Oh, my apologies, too: I'm one of those "nose-in-the-smiley-face" kinda' people :o( Wait, I mean :(

BadGod said...

Am I a dick, because I could care less about a lost dog?

My reply would've been as follows:

"I hope it is dead. No one cares about the dog. I hate each and every one of you morons for wasting my time.

Have a good day!

See? That would have great.

Oh, the bitterness inside of me.........

Harry Yak said...

i think this is a great post but there is one thing i don't understand. how did you know a coyote ate that little dog?

badgod - it doesn't make you a dick but your picture makes you look like a ... well you know.

(my favorite part was the golfball sized fists)

Sleep Goblin said...

I laughed so hard that DS asked me if I was okay. I think I might have a crush on you too.

intrigant said...

so awesome- i wish i coulve seen the look on all their faces..and if the owners are anything like sbh then i would run away from home too...

Bobby said...

SG, totally unrelated to this post (I commented earlier), I can't believe you don't remember the monkey.

I found him, and he is now residing on my blog.

Have a great weekend.

Monkey said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha. I wet myself. I always love this side of you Spinning Girl. It's the Vendetta side!

bricotrout said...

i see where the untempered frustration came from. "sure, ill keep my eye out for him...way down HERE!" and that is something i would think to do and might even go so far as to type and rest my finger upon the send button.
you dont know HOW refreshing it is that someone else at least once in a while uses worse judgement than me. i dont mean that in a bad way. from one who has used terrible judgement more times than there are dead bodies floating in new orleans (see! right there! THAT was bad judgement!) i feel your torment. better judgement next time (to us both)

Freiya said...

SG, once again you've made me laugh till i cry :) or should that be :-)

LBseahag said...

Next time Jinx runs away, I at least know I can count on you to do your part...

With your help, Goldy is now happy at her new home in Clearwater, Florida...

B.O.B.I. said...

BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Dead babies may not be funny, but dead babies in odd situations are. And in a nit-picky response to your criticism, I don't think it's appropriate to end a sentence with a preposition.

Ooo, look, our first argument!

On a lighter note, fuck all those humorless bastards. Tell them to live a little or something.

Oh, yeah, I have this petition for AIDS/Cancer/End the War/Babies Eaten By Coyotes. Once it reaches 5000 signatures we'll print it out, make an effigy of George W. Bush out of it, and use it as really harsh toilet paper. Pass it on!

Used Hack said...

I'll never understand the humorless. Great, great job. :)

Maria said...

Major Lee & Vera Upsetten

"majorly and very upset?"

I think it's a sham. Don't feel guilty. Getting forwards is darn annoying. My Dad forwards me crap all the time and when I emailed him and asked him to stop he forwarded me another forward saying that getting forwards is an act of love because even though it's not a full email that person thought of you enough to send you that touching "angels love you" thingie. (now that's a sentence!!)
Man, I hate truisms.
Nice blog. fun!

Rowan said...

shame you felt bad about ti, but ya know, that's rpetty funny really....and it sounds like it did what it intended, so maybe I should follow your lead and send this type of thing to my MIL? Next time she sends me one of those "Where has Jesus gone?" things? Neat - a coyote ate him! haha.

I am ashamed to say, I got into the nasty habit of adding aesthetic appeal to my emoticons with a cutesy nose (:oP) my apologies, I must now stop! ;)

Great read, as good as Shan's I enjoyed.

Anonymous said...

You are an inspiration to all. I wish I had the courage to do the same with similar emails.

Fools Win said...

You rule!