2. People whose smiles are 80% gums, 20% teeth (extra treat: add braces)
3. wRiTing lIkE tHiS iN yOuR bLoG sO i cAn hArDlY rEaD iT (sure way for a quick "next" click) (ps also screams "I am fourteen!")
3b. People who are fourteen.
3c. No "next blog" button available.
4. Decaf tea that has caffeine in it (it must--not sleepy yet)
5. Any cartoon characters with eyes like this... ENOUGH ALREADY!
6. People who try to finish your sentence for you, but they finish it wrong. Then you have to rewind & correct them. Example:
me: "You know, sometimes I wish my boss would just..."
interruptor: "...leave you alone?"
me: "umm nooooo, I was going to say 'tear my clothes off', but never mind."
7. Eclipse "Lemon Ice" gum -- tastes like lemon Pledge. Try it & see!
7B. Eclipse "Cherry Ice" gum -- tastes like a cough drop. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.
8. Clowns with normal names, like "Brad"
8b. Clowns in general.
9. People who say "irregardless" instead of "regardless." I looked it up, and Webster seems to feel that both ways are correct. How can this possibly be true?
10. The fact that my phone # is one digit off from the delivery number for the Chinese restaurant in my town. People call me at 11 pm because they are jonesin' for some Kung Pao. I won't change my number because I like to fuck with them...I ask if they want extra rice, then say OK, fi-teen minute! and hang up.
11. The fact that the Chinese restaurant gets my calls, but won't take a message.
12. Toothpaste that tastes like bubble gum, and/or contains glitter.
13. People who "count" to get their kids to do something, but then drag it out. As in this real-life example from today's trip to the market:
Billy, get in the car, it's time to go home. Billy, listen to mommy. Billy, I mean it. If you don't get in the car, then you won't get any candy today. OK Billy, I am going to count to five, and when I get to five, you'd better be in the car.
[insert loud, commanding, "see how parental I am" voice here]
One. (5 seconds)
Two. Billy, I mean it. get in the car. Billy, listen, mommy is counting to five.
Three. (10 seconds)
Three and a half. Billy, if I get to five, you are in big trouble, Mister. (10 seconds)
Four. Billy? (editorial comment: this child may not yet know his own name)
Four and a half. (10 seconds)
Four and three-quarters. Billy, stop touching that and get over here right now. Billy? Billy, if you come right now I will give you some candy! Yaaay, Billy, good boy, you got here before Mommy said "five!"