August 03, 2007

Spinning Girl Deep Cuts: Lies in Personal Ads (not that I would know)

[I'm just like everyone else, with neurotic and unpredictable hang-ups]

[I'm just like everyone else]

"No baggage"
[I've had at least 4-5 good breakups, one of which involved crying for 5 hours]

"Work-hard, play-hard"
[I am lazier than shit]

[it takes a real effort to get out of the house some days]

[I lie most of the time]

[I am so bored with myself]

"42, but look 28"
[I look 42]

"I've never done this before, but it's worth a try! Here goes!"
[I've been cruising the 'net for love for 2.5 years, just not on this site.
But I want you to think I'm not a loser, so here goes!]

"Hoping there are a few nice guys / gals still left out there"
[I am still a raw, open wound and probably wouldn't be good for anyone right now, but I'm just so darn lonesome]

[Given to bouts of (a) alcoholism (b) passive aggression (c) verbal abuse (d) neurotic cleanliness (e) insert own dysfunction here: --- ]

"Close to my family"
[live with parents] or [15 years old]


BadGod said...

Funny and true. I am sooo "work hard, play hard" kinda guy.

Why 11.5? Just wondering.

midwest_hick said...

lol....Now this was amusing!!

Just Me said...

Your 11.5 list are funny, keep it up.

miss kendra said...

this is relevant to my interests.

t2ed said...

Husky = saving for gastric bypass surgery

Spontaneous = sociopathic

Looking for long term romance = desperate

Close to Mom = she will be interviewing you and coming on all of our dates

ajooja said...

Aw, man. I used to believe everything I read. ;)

Twirling Girl said...

Tall = freakish and lanky. People stare at me

Trim = not trim

Educated = don't ask me about anything because I will ramble on and on about subjects I know nothing about but think I am an expert

Financially secure = I only have a debit card and checking account and I live paycheck to paycheck

Dashing English Jewish Chap = too much there to even qualify to date

Kelsey Grammer look-alike = I am an alcoholic

Youthful = I act like I am 13 without my parents on a field trip

Share great friendship possibly more = I want to get into your pants as fast as I can, show me the most direct route to the candy store

Easy on the eyes = don't turn the lights on when we are in bed, and keep your eyes closed when we are kissing. This will keep your eyes from believing what they are seeing

Nature lover = I don't wear deodorant. Ever. I have dirt under my fingernails.

Beautiful inside and out = I am a mess emotionally and I have bunions, am overweight and have bad teeth.

Gourmet cook = PB&J, heated on a panini grill. Look at the grill marks! MMMmmmmm

Adventurous = I like to go to the 24 hour WalMart late at night when it is not so crowded

Plump = 300+ pounds. No less. Count on it.

Drug free = is there such a thing?

Dark/dark size 4 = is this a chocolate bar seeking love?

Funny = I laugh in a weird way so everyone looks at me when we are in public.

Good luck in the dating world!!

BeckEye said...

My favorite is when men say "I like a girl who takes care of herself." As if anyone would want a girl who has just let herself go, sitting around with unwashed hair and un-brushed teeth with a raging yeast infection. Really, all they mean is "I like skinny, vain girls."

J said...

When I prowled the personals there were a couple things that always prompted me to steer clear:

"NO DRAMA. It seems like every girl I get involved with ends up being into drama and games. I am not into that and if you are, you better look somewhere else."
[I am a subconscious drama addict and do not understand how my own behavior contributes to the breakup of my relationships.]

...come to think of it, any guy who referred to women as "girls" in an ad turned me off.

"I'm probably one of the last good guys left."
[I have an unrealistic view of myself and I hate other people too.]

Everything else that turned me off I could chalk up to poor personal-writing skills, which doesn't sound so bad, but it was why I eventually gave it up. When 99% of the male population is so bad at depicting themselves, you're forced to actually meet each one in person to decide whether you want to meet them, and then what's the point of online personals anyway?

B.E. Earl said...

You mean people *gasp* lie in their personals?

Shocked, I tell you...shocked!

Monkey said...

I chortled until I vomitted. Thank you for your always pithy insight into the human condition.

I'm relieved that I am... a monkey.

Spinning Girl said...

These comments are pleasing me immensely.

jiggs said...

I prefer when people use statistics to lie.